Female friends on a stag night

[Sweetsweetgrass]

My fiance has asked if I'm OK with him inviting two female friends to his stag do. His plan is to do an activity i.e. paintballing, go-karting, during the day then rent a big house on Air BnB to do a bbq and everyone can stay over and drink. He said it won't be heavy drinking, whilst we're in our thirties some guys will be in 40s/50s. He has a list of 10 guys and 2 girls. I've briefly met each woman once during our relationship to say hello but otherwise I can't say I know them at all. He said they're friends so wants to invite them, it shouldn't matter that they're women.

Honestly, I have several issues with this.

1. I don't know these women and they aren't part of his day to day life so I'm confused why he wants to invite them now
2. I feel the group dynamics will change with women there and the other guys may not be happy with this
3. Why would a woman want to attend a stag do where she doesn't know all the guys? Personally I wouldn't want to be drinking and staying over in a house full of men when I don't know all of them (they may feel the same as he hasn't invited them yet).

I know I'm supposed to be totally cool with it and respect his friendships and show everyone how secure I am, but I'm not comfortable with it. Is this just me or would others have reservations?

I've been on stag dos, I think I first went on one 30 years ago. The bride and groom worked at the same hospital but the groom was in our department and the bride was in another so both invited their department.

Completely different situation but my partner is having a woman at his stag do (although it's just a night out not staying over anywhere) it's his friends wife who he gets on really well with but her husband will also be there and she invited herself along. To be honest, he doesn't even want a stag do and couldn't care less about it all!

Are you worried something will happen between your DP and one of these women?

I appreciate things have changed a lot since my day, but I had a both-sex 'Hen' party (we actually called it a Duck Party instead).
I wanted to celebrate the occasion with ALL my friends, not just half of them.

This was in the day before massive/expensive weekends away, but I'm not sure that would have made any difference. I'd have still wanted them all there.

So, OP, I'm with your fiancee on this. It's his party. He should invite his mates, whoever they are.

Personally, I wouldn't like it if my DP had females on his stag do, although this seems like the unpopular opinion. But similarly, out of respect for DP, I would not invite male friends to the hen do, I would instead celebrate with them at the wedding.

If you can’t trust your partner to invite women to his stag do then you shouldn’t be marrying him.

Why would not inviting men to your hen party be ‘respecting’ your fiancé? Why would having a mixed-sex hen party be ‘disrespecting’ him?

Out of respect? Respect of what?

By 'out of respect,' I mean considering DPs feelings and our relationship. It's about maintaining trust and avoiding situations that might cause unnecessary worry or discomfort. For me, a stag or hen do is a celebration with same-gender friends before marriage. Including opposite-gender friends could blur lines or create misunderstandings. I'd rather keep those celebrations separate and enjoy time with all friends together at the wedding. It's not about restricting each other, but about finding a balance that works for both people in the relationship

As above

@MissMoan how can lines be blurred because a woman is present, it's really quite easy, don't have sexual relationship with them? They're a friend, not a partner.

I'm still unclear how this is respectful to your partner.

I'd also be very concerned if I had to restrict my DH "being" with a woman at an event I wasn't present at, because it might lead to some sort of "blurring of lines".

So I have to worry if my husband is in the same room as a woman? He is an adult can do what he likes

And has your partner expressed discomfort and worry at your opposite-sex friendships?

indeed, unless the DH is Robin Thicke…

I agree with you. It’s a bizarre attitude. If your husband needs controlling around women like a naughty dog on heat you’ve got more problems than women on a stag do

@Ratisshortforratthew you've said it so much better than me, and with a lot fewer words.

But from what I understand, the fiance doesnt really want or care if the women are there, its the Best Man wanting to invite them so he can try to cop off with one of them. So its not a Stag night at all, its a pulling op for the best man!! Iw ouldnt be happy about that either.

It IS about disrespect. Its the Best Man disrespecting an event that is supposed to be all about the Groom.

Update: I have discovered one of the women my fiance used to have feelings for and they've slept together before.

So what, though? I have lots of friends who are exes, or people I slept with years ago. I doesn’t mean I’m secretly simmering with unresolved sexual tension for any of them. I’m fond of them, but remembering sexually attracted to them is like remembering the haircuts I thought suited me in the 80s. I’d invite them to a special party because I still like them, in a completely straightforward way. DH’s girlfriend before me is still around — he had lunch with her last week!

I agree with @Vestigial, when me and DH met he was still very good friends with 2 ex’s. We went away with one of them twice! We don’t speak to either now, but for entirely separate reasons.

Agree with @Vestigial too.

I had drinks with three male friends two weeks ago. I’ve slept with two and had had feelings for a third. We got together because one was home from abroad. I’d no more sleep with them now than I would run off to join the circus.

My partner is friends with the three of them too, although he didn’t come. If you don’t trust your partner, what’s the point?

and......?

And.... for me sex means something. Once you have been intimate with someone you cannot say they are 'just a friend'. He's told me since it all happened - whereby there were several occasions - they didn't pursue anything and he made sure not put himself in a position of it being a possibility again i.e. both drunk and sleeping in the same place. So I am questioning why then create a situation where they will be both be drunk and under the same roof again? I am sure she also has a side to tell, but he says its mostly she gets drunk and naked but then doesn't want to know him in the morning. Why after years of being nothing more than acquaintances (I appreciate they were close friends once) would he now invite her?

The drip feed is annoying.

Sex means something to me as well, but it’s in the past. Either you trust him or you don’t. But I don’t think you should be marrying him, because you’ve too much of an issue with his past.

Of your three points, numbers two and three aren't your problems, are they? They're nothing to do with you.

So it's only number one. To which the answer is 'ask him'.

If his answer is 'they're my friends' - and you imply that is the answer - then the real problem here is 'AIBU to not like that my fiance's friendship group includes women?'

So do you think that your boyfriend is trying to line up one last shag before he gets married, and thinks the best way to do that is to invite her to a weekend away with loads of witnesses?