Female friends on a stag night

[Sweetsweetgrass]

My fiance has asked if I'm OK with him inviting two female friends to his stag do. His plan is to do an activity i.e. paintballing, go-karting, during the day then rent a big house on Air BnB to do a bbq and everyone can stay over and drink. He said it won't be heavy drinking, whilst we're in our thirties some guys will be in 40s/50s. He has a list of 10 guys and 2 girls. I've briefly met each woman once during our relationship to say hello but otherwise I can't say I know them at all. He said they're friends so wants to invite them, it shouldn't matter that they're women.

Honestly, I have several issues with this.

1. I don't know these women and they aren't part of his day to day life so I'm confused why he wants to invite them now
2. I feel the group dynamics will change with women there and the other guys may not be happy with this
3. Why would a woman want to attend a stag do where she doesn't know all the guys? Personally I wouldn't want to be drinking and staying over in a house full of men when I don't know all of them (they may feel the same as he hasn't invited them yet).

I know I'm supposed to be totally cool with it and respect his friendships and show everyone how secure I am, but I'm not comfortable with it. Is this just me or would others have reservations?

I've said if he wants to meet up with them and catch up, that's fine.

The implication here is that it’s not fine if he wants to invite them to his stag do.

And yet it absolutely is fine, because it’s his stag do and his choice. You don’t get to try and control his stag do.

Insecurity is so off putting, and it’s nobody else’s issue but your own. You need to deal with it rather than trying to get others to change their behaviour or their plans.

I agree it’s strange that he’s not seen them for years and they’re not invited to the wedding!!

Id say to fiancé, if you want them there, invite them round for dinner and invite them to the wedding, otherwise it’s a bit rude to them.

Agree with others, if you don’t trust him then don’t marry him.

Stat do's are for... stags! All these cool wives on this thread are unreasonable.

I've said if he wants to meet up with them and catch up, that's fine. But why after years of not seeing them is it the stag night he chooses to see them again? I'm aware this is coming from my insecurity.

This makes no sense. So you’ve no problem with him being friends and hanging out with these women, you just don’t approve of them going to his stag? Whats the difference?
Its not exactly uncommon to include childhood friends, family you aren’t super close to on the daily etc in your wedding and wedding events.

If you don't trust him, don't marry him! If you do, what's the issue? He should be allowed to invite whoever he wants to his own party. You can invite whoever you want to yours.

I literally met someone in person for the first time on my hen. We'd been online friends for a while but on paper we weren't "close friends" - still had so much fun. My childhood friend also attended despite us not having seen each other in a while due to life stuff. Some of the people that attended weren't coming to the wedding either but it was a nice way to include them in the celebration. It's a party and the invite list is down to the stag/hen. Your DFs relationship with them is really irrelevant unless, again, you suspect he wants them there for different reasons to friendship.

I think it's weird if they're not invited to the wedding, unless it's a tiny wedding, that is. Otherwise I wouldn't mind.

My husband had 1 girl on his stag. I had absolutely no problem with it, the guest list for his party was no concern of mine and the same for my hen.
Nothing cool girl about it. I

I would much rather my partner had a relaxed mixed gendered pre wedding party than some ridiculous boys club of strip bars in the name of stag stag stag. Some posters seem to suggest the former is somehow worse than the latter.

Exactly this

Accusations of being ‘cool wives’ seems to be a way of trying to shut down women who aren’t insecure, paranoid and controlling in relation to opposite-sex friendships.

I agree it's strange to invite someone to a stag do but not the wedding. I doubt he wants to shag them, wouldn't do that in front of others. Perhaps he is trying to hook them up with his other male friends? Are any of them single?

Not your stag, not your problem. You're marrying him, so presumably you trust him? In which case, all good. If you don't trust, you have bigger issues than the stag

Cool story!

I have been the only woman on a stag night but it was a load of mainly farmers and in a small village in Yorkshire. The guy is a close friend and also friends with DH but was my work colleague for many years at work. Christened ourselves the evil twins at work He is the brother I would have liked and he only has brothers.

You're about to marry this man. I presume that you wouldn't be doing that if you didn't trust him?

In which case why do you have a problem with this? You're being deeply unreasonable.

And yes, to echo previous posters, every stag do I've been on that had women present has been far tamer than the ones without,

Honestly, I just feel sorry for people who seriously think that men can only be friends with men, and women can only be friends with women. It's a bizarre way of thinking to me. All of my social circles are mixed when it comes to gender and sexuality, and the idea of segregating them seems backwards.

I think most stag/hen dos I've been on have been mixed-gender. If I got married mine certainly would be. I'd also invite some people I haven't seen for years and who DP doesn't know - life and location have taken us apart geographically but we're still friends and we still go back very far!

I don’t think it’s the best etiquette to invite them to the stag and not to the wedding!!

Absolute rubbish.

‘Cool wives’ is a lazy trope, used by some people to undermine people who don’t have the same fixed ideas on male / female friendships. It’s passive aggressive and indicative of someone who doesn’t actually have any rational points to make. Likewise ‘cool story’.

I reject the idea that women will make the stag do "tamer" though. The biggest party animals and hellraisers I know are my female friends and they have often led male friends astray (in a non-sexual sense). Probably no strip clubs though.

I had male friends at my hen do and my husband had female friends at his stag do, at no point did this seem anything other than completely natural and it wouldn't have occured to us to ask the other if they were 'ok' with it. Some of them were old friends we hadn't seen for a while, not sure this matters at all. I find the whole 'woman only' or 'men only' dyanmic a bit weird and am happier than my husband has a mixed group of friends that he's close to.

I’m not a “cool wife” (wtf is that and I agree with PP that it’s thrown about to shut down alternative opinions) but I had male friends on my hen, and wouldn’t have cared if my husband had women at his stag (his was tiny so only him and three best mates). I’ve also been on plenty of stag parties- this is because I am a human who has friends, regardless of their genitalia. We don’t flirt.

you need to really think about why you feel uncomfortable- is there something real there that is bothering you or is it “just” your insecurity. If the latter, you need to work on that. Is it insecurity because you don’t trust your fiancé or is it something about being suspicious or unnerved about women who are friends with men? Either way, unless you think your f is inviting them to shag them then it’s really not your business, but figuring out why it’s bothering you might be key to getting over your discomfort.

Nah, that tends to be a hen do thing. I've been to a whole bunch of stag do's where I've not had an invite to the wedding. It's not seen as an etiquette breach at all, whereas it is with a hen do.

So they're not even in invited to the wedding? Too weird.

I always say in dating threads that a man who has female friends is a huge green flag. Never seems to be a popular opinion but I stand by it. A man who only enjoys women's company if he's shagging them is not someone I'd want to be in a relationship with.