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AIBU?

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Original poster

Female friends on a stag night

249 replies

Sweetsweetgrass · 01/07/2024 08:33

My fiance has asked if I'm OK with him inviting two female friends to his stag do. His plan is to do an activity i.e. paintballing, go-karting, during the day then rent a big house on Air BnB to do a bbq and everyone can stay over and drink. He said it won't be heavy drinking, whilst we're in our thirties some guys will be in 40s/50s. He has a list of 10 guys and 2 girls. I've briefly met each woman once during our relationship to say hello but otherwise I can't say I know them at all. He said they're friends so wants to invite them, it shouldn't matter that they're women.

Honestly, I have several issues with this.

  1. I don't know these women and they aren't part of his day to day life so I'm confused why he wants to invite them now
  2. I feel the group dynamics will change with women there and the other guys may not be happy with this
  3. Why would a woman want to attend a stag do where she doesn't know all the guys? Personally I wouldn't want to be drinking and staying over in a house full of men when I don't know all of them (they may feel the same as he hasn't invited them yet).

I know I'm supposed to be totally cool with it and respect his friendships and show everyone how secure I am, but I'm not comfortable with it. Is this just me or would others have reservations?

OP posts:
Victoriancat · 03/07/2024 19:13

He's allowed friends with vaginas.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/07/2024 19:24

I've been to two stag dos in my time - I think it's increasingly common to have men at hen dos and women at stags.

It's just a celebration with your single life friends, isn't it? I have a mixed gender friendship group.

Thirstysue · 03/07/2024 19:27

I had guys on my hen night. You either trust him or you don't. If you do, leave them to it.

Peoplealwaysleavemespeechless · 03/07/2024 19:31

I think if there was anything for you to worry about, he wouldn't have told you he'd invited them. Would he be concerned if you invited me to your hen night? Maybe sit and talk to him and meet them properly to put your mind at rest

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/07/2024 19:42

Your wedding isnt happening in Cornwall is it?! I only ask because your best man sounds like a guy that is in a hobby group I go to and he is just like this, down to the on/off friends with benefits. Bit of a knob who would turn an entire event on its head if he thought it would mean he could get his leg over with someone he fancies.

Time your fiance stood up to best man and said "Mate, its MY stag not your pulling party. I will not be kicking out a good friend to accomodate a woman that you are trying to get off with. Men only" and leave it at that.

Againlosinghope · 03/07/2024 19:51

I had a male mate at Uni. We were best mates in many ways. Did a sport together (a male heavy sport and very few females and mostly just me) and met up regularly after uni for the sport and just socially as mates.
When he met his now wife we were still really good mates. But when he got married I was the only one from the uni group not invited, all the others (males) went.
I was very upset to be excluded and I often wonder why as after uni most of the group drifted but we still met regularly.
We are still in contact now but due to location change we have rarely met up for a couple of years.
The reality in my view is.... It is ok to have mates of a different gender. If someone is up to no good they will do it regardless but as he is open about it it is most likely all above board

TheSunnyShark · 03/07/2024 19:52

Gang bang

BlueSkyMoth · 03/07/2024 20:01

My husband had a couple of female friends at his stag do. Never crossed my mind to be concrete about it. Saw it as a positive thing, that he has female friends. I have friends who had a joint hen and stag do, or 'hag' if you will - I thought it was a nice idea.

Harps82 · 03/07/2024 20:41

I had a male friend at my hen do, he's one of my best mates and absolutely nothing ever sexually there between us. His fiance was perfectly happy for him to go and stay over at the cottage we hired. I also went to his stag do, along with our female best friend. Me and female friend only knew half of the males there. We also stayed in a cottage over night. Both our partners were completely fine with this. The reason is that all of our partners, love, trust and respect us. They had no reason to think anything untoward would happen. I would have no problem with my husband going to a hen do.

Sorry, I just don't get your problem. Do you think your fiance is going to try and fuck them as soon as he's got some 'freedom' or vice versa? It seems you think that no one is to be trusted. EVEN if the females aren't, do you not trust your fiance?

If it's no, why are you marrying him?

Jutemat · 03/07/2024 20:42

Victoriancat · 03/07/2024 19:13

He's allowed friends with vaginas.

Just not on stag nights.

Harps82 · 03/07/2024 20:49

It's completely your insecurity.

Friends don't have to be in your life every single day. I have friends that I only see every few years in person. Not because they're not good friends, but because of life/ distance etc etc. Those friends were still at my hen do and wedding even though I hadn't seen them for 2 years!!!

I think you need to have a good think about what's really bothering you here.

Harps82 · 03/07/2024 20:50

Also, he actually asked you if you were OK with that. He's being upfront and not hiding anything from you!

Harps82 · 03/07/2024 20:54

Yes exactly this!!! It really upsets me that there's still people who think that opposite genders can't just be friends. I'm sorry you got left out, that sucks

Harps82 · 03/07/2024 21:03

You need to grow up OP

Vonesk · 03/07/2024 21:43

T. B. H..... ( Im thinking) How would this stand up in court if something terrible occurred..????????? One of the women accuses All men of something ..?????? How would ANYONE be sober or sensible enough to explain??????? Its a disaster waiting to happen and theyre ALL PLAYING with FIRE!!!!!!!!

FunIsland · 03/07/2024 21:46

Vonesk · 03/07/2024 21:43

T. B. H..... ( Im thinking) How would this stand up in court if something terrible occurred..????????? One of the women accuses All men of something ..?????? How would ANYONE be sober or sensible enough to explain??????? Its a disaster waiting to happen and theyre ALL PLAYING with FIRE!!!!!!!!

What are you trying to say here?

Notamum12345577 · 03/07/2024 22:10

Sweetsweetgrass · 01/07/2024 13:08

Hot tub? 🤔

Show quote history

I get what you are saying in all your other posts, apart from this one. What is wrong with men and women being in a hot tub together? Does it automatically turn into an orgy?

TiredMummma · 03/07/2024 23:07

Honestly stag and hen dos are so archaic and give me the ick. I have lots of make and female friends and just think it's weird to do separate things,

I find it weird randomly inviting anyone who are not coming to the actual wedding, doesn't matter they are two women or two men, that should be the argument? Seems it's for his best man though rather than your partner!

IMBananas666 · 04/07/2024 00:03

Ugh, it's weird. Stag nights are stag nights. Women have no place. My husband didn't have a Stag Night/Bachelor party. He didn't care and didn't want one. He stayed alone in our cottage the night before our wedding. I was in a hotel with my parents. We had been living together, but it felt right to have a day of separation before we met at temple for shabbat services the morning of our wedding, and then again in the evening after sunset for our wedding.

coupebaby · 04/07/2024 01:16

NameChangeCass · 01/07/2024 18:58

I wouldn't want to do the stag events, and whilst some women may enjoy it, it is a typical lads event and drinking rum with a bbq. Which is why I am questioning why invite them, would they enjoy it? Fiance has said one of them is very girly girl and probably wouldn't stay anyway. She's quite reserved and wouldn't want bad language and boy banter, which is why I am questioning why change his event to accommodate women?

uggghhh this is one of the most nauseatingly sexist things I have read. Women are allowed to drink rum and enjoy “banter”. ( “boy banter” on the other hand is typically code for misogyny and shouldn’t be enjoyed by anyone). We don’t all have to be “reserved”.

I can’t tell if you don’t trust your fiancée or you are just regressive and sexist and like to compete/ compare yourself constantly to other women.

YABU.

Show quote history

Perhaps reading her posts would benefit you, these 2 women weren’t even attending the wedding and she’s met them once in all the years she’s been with her partner, so that’s NOT close friends, also it was best man encouraged him to invite them as he’s single and has a thing for one of the women so just wanted to get his bit that night by sounds of it. OP’s male friend is pretty close with her partner now and invited to stag but best man wanted him uninvited (sounds to be like he didn’t want stories carried back to OP of what he was actually planning for the groom to get up to.) Best man caused all this unnecessary BS IMO

Bluebirdover · 04/07/2024 01:26

Vonesk · 03/07/2024 21:43

T. B. H..... ( Im thinking) How would this stand up in court if something terrible occurred..????????? One of the women accuses All men of something ..?????? How would ANYONE be sober or sensible enough to explain??????? Its a disaster waiting to happen and theyre ALL PLAYING with FIRE!!!!!!!!

What on earth are you going on about?

This is bizarre!

savethatkitty · 04/07/2024 01:27

It's weird. Plus, why would 2 chick's want to go to a mainly bloke oriented stag do. Are the 2 friends the "entertainment "?

coupebaby · 04/07/2024 01:29

Sweetsweetgrass · 01/07/2024 17:50

Funny thing is I don't consider myself a girly girl. I rarely hang out with just girls, but there are occasions where it's nice to be girls only and the talk is different. Before the wedding, I decided I wanted to chill and relax and book a spa afternoon with a massage - there has been a lot of family trauma this year I won't go into and I wanted to treat myself. For me. I invited some female relatives and two females friends primarily cos no boys were interested in doing this! In the evening I've invited some more friends one of whom is non binary. I extended the invite on the premise I would not be offended if they decline but they should know it's only women attending if that matters to them. They took no offence and said they'd love to attend. All good. I have male friends and almost all our social gatherings are in mixed groups. I am OK with this.

The fact is, my Fiance made a list initially of guys. His best man then suggested removing my male friend, and adding the women, so I am questioning this and why they are now invited when they weren't originally. He says they are close friends but it doesn't add up for me. I am not sure why we have to do everything in mixed groups all of the time. Why is it wrong on this one occasion for girls/boys to do different things? Why does that make me misogynistic? I feel if we are doing mixed events perhaps it should be one mixed party rather than separate hen/stag dos but my Fiance wanted to do his thing, which is fair enough. I have not put an ultimatum to him or dictated who he should invite, if anything, it's his best man who is dictating who should come and who shouldn't and placing people into events they do not want to attend.

Processing all of this, I have come to the conclusion that the best man has not considered my Fiance nor me in his plans, but what really gets me is he hasn't checked what my Fiance wants. We've spoken this afternoon and my Fiance has said our male friend (yes who I knew first but is now his friend too) is coming to the stag do and he has told his best man that women are invited to the wedding only, it's men only at the stag do. His best mans response was 'that's rubbish'. Not, 'OK whatever you want mate', but that he thinks it's rubbish and he doesn't like that. My Fiance doesn't get to hang out with the boys all that much especially since we have children. He said if there's any issues, he's very happy to keep it with boys only which was what he originally planned. Sorry to report we haven't cancelled the wedding nor has he left me.

Glad to see your fiancé didn’t allow his best man walk all over him, it’s a pity loads of people here chose not to bother reading the facts of the story but tbf you probably should have mentioned the arsehole best man from the start because nobody’s bothering to focus on that major detail that changes the whole perspective of the story 😏 He wanted to dip the wick act the big man in front of everyone on the stag, he would have degraded that poor girl by the sounds of it so fuk him and his petty ego, sounds like a proper sap in fairness and making demands of who should and shouldn’t go on the stag. Is he a mouthy git in general because he sounds like he is, centre of attention type of dose of a man 😏

Thisisntme1 · 04/07/2024 03:25

I'd feel the same as you OP. I guess even the most trustworthy person when put in a situation where there's drinking and sleeping over then things could happen. I know that's not a popular opinion but oh well. I wouldn't like it either and my husband and I have the same boundaries regarding this.

Bluebirdover · 04/07/2024 03:53

Thisisntme1 · 04/07/2024 03:25

I'd feel the same as you OP. I guess even the most trustworthy person when put in a situation where there's drinking and sleeping over then things could happen. I know that's not a popular opinion but oh well. I wouldn't like it either and my husband and I have the same boundaries regarding this.

Luckily I married a man that is trustworthy, no matter how much drink is consumed or wether "sleeping over" happens.

Really cannot understand marrying someone you say you a trust but then don't.

You shouldn't have to "remove temptation" IMO!