Female friends on a stag night

[Sweetsweetgrass]

My fiance has asked if I'm OK with him inviting two female friends to his stag do. His plan is to do an activity i.e. paintballing, go-karting, during the day then rent a big house on Air BnB to do a bbq and everyone can stay over and drink. He said it won't be heavy drinking, whilst we're in our thirties some guys will be in 40s/50s. He has a list of 10 guys and 2 girls. I've briefly met each woman once during our relationship to say hello but otherwise I can't say I know them at all. He said they're friends so wants to invite them, it shouldn't matter that they're women.

Honestly, I have several issues with this.

1. I don't know these women and they aren't part of his day to day life so I'm confused why he wants to invite them now
2. I feel the group dynamics will change with women there and the other guys may not be happy with this
3. Why would a woman want to attend a stag do where she doesn't know all the guys? Personally I wouldn't want to be drinking and staying over in a house full of men when I don't know all of them (they may feel the same as he hasn't invited them yet).

I know I'm supposed to be totally cool with it and respect his friendships and show everyone how secure I am, but I'm not comfortable with it. Is this just me or would others have reservations?

I have suggested if it's a mixed group perhaps we just do a party with everyone rather than splitting into Hen/Stag but trouble is we want to do different things.

I must be very sheltered as I was not aware mixed group for these events was a thing, let alone common. Which is why I was surprised.

The best man does have a thing for one of the women and he is the one who suggested inviting them, and my Fiance then asked me if that was OK. I questioned why he would want women at his stag and said it seems strange and who are they? I've told him he can invite who he wants, it's up to him. I have not demanded he doesn't invite them but I am confused and feeling uncomfortable about it. I genuinely wasn't expecting women to be invited to the stag as I thought it was a boys gets together, otherwise surely it is simply a social gathering? I don't know.

It is clear my Fiance should heed the advice to immediately dump me and call off the wedding. The children will be devastated as will I, but I must suffer the consequences of my deeply unreasonable concern.

Well I would be OK with this if they were close friends of his and if they were going to the wedding.
As they are not I agree with OP that why chose his stag do to rekindle a friendship with 2 women he hasn't being particularly close to ?
I will declare a bias here: I'm not a fan of stag does anyway. Most people who are getting married have been in close committed relationships for a long time. So this Last night of Freedom is a load of nonsense.
All a stag do seems to do is cause upset to quite a lot of relationships, both of the bride to be and the groom to be and of the other invitees to the event.

If OP is not comfortable with this arrangement and he goes ahead with it anyway then it doesn't bode well for their marriage. If her fiancé doesn't invite the women he will possibly resent her and that won't bode well either. Things were much simpler when the stag party and the hen party meant going for a few drinks in the pub with your close friends the night before the wedding.

There’s something to this.

women who insist on being the only woman in the group, or men who are the only man in a group of woman, are usually hard work

Just read your latest update OP.
I think the fact the women are being invited because the best man fancies one of them actually makes them being there worse. That totally changes the dynamic if the stag do is actually to facilitate the best man "getting off" with a woman rather than about your fiancé enjoying himself

I think you are being very unreasonable. This sounds like a very grown-up approach to a stag do. It would be odd and narrow minded to exclude friends from a celebration just because they are female. None of your concerns sound particularly serious: it should be up to your partner to decide whether this will "spoil" the event for his other friends in some way, and up to these women to decide if they want to attend. Unless you have concerns about unfaithfulness etc (in which case, why are you marrying him??) this is really nothing to do with you!

It's the nuance here @Epicaricacy. Which OP neglected to mention in her first post.
As I mentioned it's extremely rude to invite people to an event celebrating a wedding, when they won't be invited to the latter! Especially if they're in the minority.

OP didn't answer my question about whether everyone else is being invited to the wedding but I presume so - as they see each other regularly.

As I expected, OP's latest update revealed a rat. @Sweetsweetgrass it looks like the best man (or whoever suggested inviting the women) has an ulterior motive. And your fiancé is easily led.

I repeat, if they're the only people not invited to the wedding it would be the height of rudeness to invite them, also if they're planning a full on lad's night. However the lack of manners is a bigger concern and applies whether the old friends are men, women or giraffes.

However the lack of manners is a bigger concern and applies whether the old friends are men, women or giraffes.

I get that, but manners are not what the OP is concerned about!

Exactly!
People on here won't believe it but my husband has friends who definitely try to do this. He nips it in the bud, but it does happen.

People on here just jump to conclusions about OP being against female friends without considering the actual situation. I bet most people won't bother to read all her updates either and we'll just get loads of posts calling her paranoid, controlling etc etc.

I think the root of the problem is that he has female friends close enough to be invited on his stag do, but whom you've never met.

I can see why the idea of 'unknown women' gives you pause, but you wouldn't think twice about male friends who he rarely saw (and who you therefore didn't know well).

Unless you don't trust him more broadly (which is a different problem) you ought to be fine with it. It's pretty clear from the event that he's getting married, so you're hardly a secret to these women! And like others say, this surely means no strippers/hookers etc (not that I'm suggesting your DH is the type in any case).

Can you talk to him about it? I know my other half would validate how I was feeling - however silly - and put me at ease.

Edited after reading update: so he's facilitating his best man's crush on his stag do? That's a bit lame. The night should be about him and his friends and your wedding. I'd think a bit less of my other half for having his stag do co-opted and manipulated like that.

people are not "jumping to conclusion", they are reading what the OP actually wrote....

Given her update I think she's right to be concerned about the lads thing.
And believe me, I'm far from erm a non-cool wife. I have more male than female friends.

As a woman, I've been to very laddish events and it wasn't a comfortable environment at all! Strippers, egging each other on, discussing women etc etc.

I wouldn't attend any stags that I think sre likely to go down that route, I've attended many a tame one.
My husband's stag involved board games...

Ok this does change things a bit, his mate’s stag do isn’t the event to try and crack onto someone he fancies. That said, I don’t think mixed hen/stags are a weird/suspicious/bad thing in general. In fact they’re a positive, I personally find the idea of “lads” and “girls” occasions just encourages adherence to negative gender stereotypes. I don’t think it matters if it’s “a thing” or not, people should just do what they want! But yeah, the best man sounds a bit of a sleaze trying to turn the stag do into a date for himself.

Well exactly. In her very first post, it's quite clear that the stag seems to be a very laddish activity.
Not because it's a 'stag'. Because that's kind of activities her husband wants, and she knows the kind of men he and his friends are.
Like I said, this wouldn't be a concern for my husband, or some of my male friends the idea of drinking, racousness etc etc is alien to them. Id happily attend any of their stags.
But not this one!

It would be the exact same if I had a hen involving facials, doing our nails for example and I invited men who had no interest in any of those things.

Yes, I could invite them - but WHY?

If I actually want a group of people present at an event, of course I'd make sure the event was appropriate. There are plenty of stags and hens organised as mix activities. And plenty that aren't.

The word 'stag' and 'hen' is meaningless.

Interesting that no one has picked up on the fact that my close male friend who has become friends with my Fiance has been suggested to be 'bumped off' the stag do and the women invited instead. I have no issue with male/female friendships. My concern is why are these women being invited as I didn't feel this was common for stag dos? If they were close friends he was in contact regularly with or being invited to the wedding I wouldn't mind at all. My issue is that they are not part of the usual group and seem to be coming out of the woodwork to attend a stag do. It seems random and I have already asked him that perhaps he should meet up with them properly for a have a good catch up rather than the first event seeing them for years being at the stag.

The situation makes me uncomfortable because I don't understand it. He's saying they are close friends of his so now want to invite them (of which he is free to do so if that is what he wants). I am not against women.

OP you didn't make that part clear. From what you posted it looked like it was part of making a point about mixed sex do's.
Have they already rented a house with a fixed number of people?

This is starting to sound more and more ridiculous. Can you speak to the best man about it..?

Also you haven't confirmed that everyone else at the stag will be invited to the wedding?

I’m with you OP. It seems the only reason they’re invited is because his mate wants to get off with one of them. Plus, ditching your friend so they can come is a shit move.
Your fella needs to get some balls and tell his horny mate that it’s lads only.

This OP!
Also if it was sold as 'i don't want a mixed party cuz this is for the boys' it's very odd that he suddenly wants to invite women.
Is Your fiancé week and easily led? Tell him to grow a spine and get the best man to keep it in his pants.

If the women had any sense they wouldn't accept this invite.

It's disgusting actually and I wouldn't really be able to look at fiance or best man the same way after this.

Unless of course you tell us the stag is actually just going to them hiking and seeing the local sites + other wholesome activities

Yes, the other guys are invited to the wedding.

I am not inviting my male friend to my hen as I going to a spa with family and two friends and and then having dinner with other friends in the evening. There is no scenario where he would want to do that. Even the dinner with 10 women is not something he would want to do. He wants to do the stag do and the activities. Plus, my Fiance knows him really well now but the best man feels he's my friend so should be at my event. I wouldn't want to do the stag events, and whilst some women may enjoy it, it is a typical lads event and drinking rum with a bbq. Which is why I am questioning why invite them, would they enjoy it? Fiance has said one of them is very girly girl and probably wouldn't stay anyway. She's quite reserved and wouldn't want bad language and boy banter, which is why I am questioning why change his event to accommodate women? I said originally I know I'm supposed to be totally OK with it all to show how cool and secure I am but I just don't understand.

Perhaps your husband needs better friends - his best man using the stag do to get his end away is childish, and shit to your fiancé too. If your fiancé is covering for/enabling his best friend, that's a bit pathetic too.

What's your fiancé like usually? Is he in thrall to this guy? A people pleaser generally, easily led and happy to be used? Do you trust him or do you think he could be using his best mate as an excuse to have these women there?

What's the best man like? Is he a good guy and this is a one-off blip, or is it in character for him to make everything about chasing women?

Only you know your if your fiancé is more likely to be being used/easily swayed, or hiding something.

OK well I get why the best man is heavily involved after all he's supposed to be leading the planning. But he seems to be overstepping and turning it into something HE wants. Kicking your mate out is just wrong.
Also, he knows the invitees won't enjoy the event and wants to invite them anyway?

It's difficult because anything you say can be used against you , but you are the future wife. You must at least explain your reasoning to your fiancé
If he can't see why this is wrong what kind of man is he??

Wow that's a good point the best man might just be a cover.
Is the best man single OP..?
Also who are they expecting to deliver the bad news of uninviting your friend? It's not going to be you make that clear

that's a good point the best man might just be a cover.

good grief, get a life.

Best man is single with an on/off friend with benefits. My Fiance probably could be described as a people pleaser and wanting to avoid conflict but he wouldn't do anything he doesn't want to. I do feel the best man is being a knob head and causing conflict. I have also pointed out my male friend will need to be told if he's uninvited an who is doing that? Plus it will really piss me off.

I think you're being unreasonable. It's his stag do! Times have changed women can go on stags and men can go on hens. I went to a stag do last year actually; we stayed in a cabin in the woods did some activities and bbq/hot tub etc, sounds pretty similar to your fiances plans - I didnt know all the guys there at the start of the weekend and it didn't make me feel uncomfortable. For context: I've been friends with the groom for about 8 years and only known his now wife for two and not very close.

@Epicaricacy it's you that needs to get a life - why are you still here? You've made your position clear