Female friends on a stag night

[Sweetsweetgrass]

My fiance has asked if I'm OK with him inviting two female friends to his stag do. His plan is to do an activity i.e. paintballing, go-karting, during the day then rent a big house on Air BnB to do a bbq and everyone can stay over and drink. He said it won't be heavy drinking, whilst we're in our thirties some guys will be in 40s/50s. He has a list of 10 guys and 2 girls. I've briefly met each woman once during our relationship to say hello but otherwise I can't say I know them at all. He said they're friends so wants to invite them, it shouldn't matter that they're women.

Honestly, I have several issues with this.

1. I don't know these women and they aren't part of his day to day life so I'm confused why he wants to invite them now
2. I feel the group dynamics will change with women there and the other guys may not be happy with this
3. Why would a woman want to attend a stag do where she doesn't know all the guys? Personally I wouldn't want to be drinking and staying over in a house full of men when I don't know all of them (they may feel the same as he hasn't invited them yet).

I know I'm supposed to be totally cool with it and respect his friendships and show everyone how secure I am, but I'm not comfortable with it. Is this just me or would others have reservations?

Either you trust him, or you don't.

If you don't, it will make a very painful and claustrophobic marriage. He could be shagging someone at work, he could have a guys-only stag and shag a random as a dare, he could be shagging someone from the gym... I mean the possibilities of what could happen are endless.

You cannot seriously live like that.

And frankly, what I have noticed over the years is that it's usually the most insecure and jealous people who end up cheating eventually.

Well I think it’s odd. Not particularly close friends, not even going to the wedding why are they going in the stag. I’d think that about men as well tbh. Maybe he setting his mates up with them.

Cool wives, Are you 12?

If you can't understand the difference between having male and female friends, and having a male-only stag going to strip clubs or having a "last" one-night stand for example... then you are the one with a problem.

“A man who only enjoys women's company if he's shagging them is not someone I'd want to be in a relationship with.”

It really is the height of misogyny and suggests these types of men think women have only one thing to offer…

Yes, exactly. One of the things I liked about my now-DH when I first met him was his capacity for having longtime friendships with women. And yes, I’d go so far as to consider a man with no female friends as something of a red flag, as someone who discounts half the human race unless he’s shagging one of them.

This.

Why are you marrying him?

If this is how you feel you shouldn't marry him.

I think it’s far more odd that there will be people attending the Stag that aren’t invited to the wedding! Surely that’s very poor etiquette?

Fundamentally, you think he’s invited these women because he wants to use the opportunity to have sex with them or, alternatively, he’s invited them for valid reasons but when alcohol and “last night of freedom” vibes hit, there’s a risk he might sleep with them.

It shows a pretty low opinion of your fiancé, and of the two women.

If you don’t trust him, fair enough, but you really need to consider whether you want to start a marriage on that footing.

What?! It’s a night out with old friends who don’t know the bride so didn’t make the cut to the wedding.

Is it really such an alien concept to you that men and women can be friends that you are scrabbling around for some kind of nefarious intent?

What if some of the stags were gay?

What’s your thoughts on men attending hen do’s?

But again, that’s the OP’s fiancé call. She gets to co-decide who gets invited to their joint wedding. Her fiancé gets to decide who he invites to his individual stag party, just as the OP does her hen. He clearly sees the stag as a good opportunity to catch up with friends he’s not that close to while doing something fun that might work better with more people. If the women are offended they’re invited to the stag and not the wedding, they can obviously decline.

It would be one thing if they were close friends of his that you knew quite well. It’s another if they are virtual strangers to you.

You’re a walking red flag op, full of jealousy and insecurity, quite frankly if my spouse said no to this, I’d call it off, I can’t cope with someone behaving in such a manner.

please don’t make your issues his issues.

Sorry I think you’ve misread, he wants to invite them on the stag not have her invite them on the hen.

Op, you’re getting a hard time on this thread.

however, I expect the girlfriends/wives of the stags will agree with you, and some if the stags may be disappointed, but won’t say anything. You are right to question why those women want to be there.

if women are allowed why not have a joint celebration for everyone ?

I haven’t seen anyone being “cool wives” at all. Out of my fiancé having a stag do with a couple of female friends on it, or going with an all-male group to a strip club etc, I know which one I would choose and it doesn’t make me “cool” at all.

How depressing that some people have said women will “reign in” the men on a stag do and stop them going astray - seriously, what kind of men do you hang out with?

Another one here saying it’s fine. And I agree if a man thinks women are only to shag and not be friends with, he isn’t a man I’d want anything to do with.

This. I would be wondering why such close friends do not get an invitation. It seems rude to invite them to the stags but then - no follow up invitation.??

There were three of us on a friends stag do. Didn’t change dynamic, similar situation. I had limited contact with the groom for a few years before, due to life getting in the way. But I would truly count him as one of my best friends who dropped everything when we were young to support me through the worst 48 hours of my life. I know he would still do the same and I would for him.

WHY would other girlfriends/ wives have a problem?

Do you think everyone must live in a same-sex bubble, and you are only allowed to go away or see friends if they are the same sex as you are, unless you have your partner to chaperon?

Or do you honestly believe every stag-do is an actual orgie?

Such a weird way of thinking.

Why would it? I had long term friends attend my hen who were mostly abroad while I was dating my husband so in a way they were virtual strangers to him. They were important to me and my life though, why would my husband get a say in the guest list?

I mean you don’t trust him, that’s a simple answer.
my husband had four women on his stag, didn’t even cross my mind, and I’ve only met two of them. (At that time) since then we have been to one of the other woman’s wedding. If he says they are close friends, they are close friends, and out of the 30 people at his stag on a four day trip I’ve only met half the men too. Also none of the 30 people attended our wedding we had 12 people at our wedding.
There must be a reason why you don’t trust him. We are only getting part of it here

*Op, you’re getting a hard time on this thread.

however, I expect the girlfriends/wives of the stags will agree with you, and some if the stags may be disappointed, but won’t say anything.*

Why would the opinions of other people attending the stags or their partners trump the actual stag and what he wants?

She’s said she knows all the guys.it is a bit odd to add women friends to a stag do who haven’t been in the picture anything like the guy friends invited so the op doesn’t really know them. It would be totally normal if they were close friends, but understandable the op thinks it’s odd. I think all you can do though is say I hope none of the blokes think it’s strange, and have a good night.

No I haven’t.