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Original poster

Partner had a lap dance on a stag do - 32 weeks pregnant

24 replies

lfac65789 · 09/06/2024 09:00

Hi, I’ve never posted on one of these before and can’t believe I’m about to. I need advice because I am too embarrassed to talk to my close friends and family about it.

I’m 32 weeks pregnant with our double rainbow baby. My partner went on a stag do last week for 5 nights, I was more than happy for him to go but my one boundary was no lap dances (happy for him to go in the strip club). I have since found out he in fact had 2 private dances which cost £200 (or so he says).

I am so hurt at the fact he lied about it to
begin with. He has spent the last month moaning about finances to the point I have bought almost everything for our baby. When questioned he said some horrible things about not wanting to be with me etc which I’m hoping is the guilt talking?

I’m not stupid, and I understand what happens on stag do’s. It’s the fact he initially lied and then got nasty because he had been caught out. I feel so stuck, I’m 8 weeks from giving birth, but I just don’t know how I can get past this.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 09/06/2024 09:07

I think what you understand to happen on stag dos might not be the same for all. When my DP went on stag dos they did kayaking or rock climbing, one of them is a iron man and crazy guy got up before all of them and ran a 26 miles before my DP got out of bed with a hangover.

You don’t have to be with a man that thinks it’s ok to pay a women to show him her nether regions.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/06/2024 09:11

Also, that is a lot of money if you’re on a budget and he is complaining about making out for baby equipment.

what did he say about not wanting to be with you? That is also important. It happens in relationships, people lash out and say things they don’t mean. But it’s very off when you’re pregnant.

MrsDTucker · 09/06/2024 09:11

Of course not all men go to strip clubs on a stag but also a lot of men lie about not doing so.

skelter83 · 09/06/2024 09:16

He is not committed: he has told you he doesn’t want to be with you, he hasn’t paid anything to prepare for the baby and he has paid for sexual activity with another woman.

This is definitely not going to improve. You have 8 weeks before baby arrives to rally your friends and family around you and get yourself set up without him.

SantasRubiksCube · 09/06/2024 11:02

Sorry but I can't see his behaviour improving, he went against you saying no lap dances, lied about it, spent money to perv over someone else which could of gone on buying baby stuff, and then rather then apologising and talking about it, he lashed out at you and said something horrible instead. I'm guessing he's said he doesn't want to be with you as a form of emotional blackmail (he says he doesn't want to be with you, you panic and say you forgive him, he doesn't have to listen to you complaining about him having a lap dance, he can happily get on with his life). I'd call his bluff and say you don't want to be with him either, he has no respect for you if he will lie about lap dances and he has no respect for his baby if that's what he'd rather spend his money on.

Apileofballyhoo · 09/06/2024 11:05

What are your living and financial arrangements? I'd leave this relationship to be honest. He doesn't sound like a nice person.

Comeoncar · 09/06/2024 11:08

fruitbrewhaha · 09/06/2024 09:07

I think what you understand to happen on stag dos might not be the same for all. When my DP went on stag dos they did kayaking or rock climbing, one of them is a iron man and crazy guy got up before all of them and ran a 26 miles before my DP got out of bed with a hangover.

You don’t have to be with a man that thinks it’s ok to pay a women to show him her nether regions.

I totally agree with this.

I can't quite get my head around someone who claims he cannot afford to provide for his child spending any money on a stag do, let alone on that.

Would he be happy with you spending £200 on sexual activities with other men?

I'd throw this one back, he isn't going to be a good dad.

GrazingSheep · 09/06/2024 11:15

He obviously knows your ‘boundary’ was just words and you didn’t mean it.

FirstBabySnnorer · 09/06/2024 11:57

Much easier to kick him out now than after you've had the baby.

ShowOfHands · 09/06/2024 12:05

I could not raise a child with a man who:

  1. Lies.
  2. Is horrible to me.
  3. Emotionally manipulates me.
  4. Spends unnecessary money when we are short and expecting a child in mere weeks.
  5. Pays for sexual gratification.

I'm so sorry op but this is who he is.

I have a feeling that you're grasping to make this right (hoping he's feeling guilty and that's why he's lashing out), but he has done all of the above. He has paid money for another woman to sexually gratify him. While you're at home pregnant. Come now. You can do better. Better, by the way, doesn't mean another man. It can absolutely mean single.

beergiggles · 09/06/2024 12:09

I'm so sorry OP, you're going to have to separate yourself and your child from this man.

Toastiecroissant · 09/06/2024 12:36

When questioned he said some horrible things about not wanting to be with me etc which I’m hoping is the guilt talking?
would that make it better?
he hasn’t bought anything for your baby because he can’t afford to support his family. But he can afford 2 lap dances.
he lied
then tried to hurt his pregnant partners feelings and break up with her.
im not sure guilt is a good enough excuse for any of that.

I’m not stupid, and I understand what happens on stag do’s.
Why do you feel you need to accept him having lap dances and going to strip clubs as just the way it is. It isn’t and it doesn’t have to be. Especially when he can’t afford to support his family and has a pregnant partner at home.

he’s shown you how committed he is, and how much he cares about your well-being whilst you’re heavily pregnant with his baby, as well as how much he’s willing to prioritise that baby. Obviously it’s not a good situation for you and I’m so sorry you’re in it, it’s going to be tough either way for you now, but this isn’t treatment I could accept

Bettedaviseyes111 · 09/06/2024 12:52

Is your relationship generally good and this is a blip? If the relationship is mostly solid I’d wait until you are both less angry and have a chat about it.

Things get said in arguments that can be hurtful.

Regarding the lap dance thing, I don’t particularly have an issue with it but it’s up to you what the boundaries of your relationship are.

Liv999 · 09/06/2024 12:57

ShowOfHands · 09/06/2024 12:05

I could not raise a child with a man who:

  1. Lies.
  2. Is horrible to me.
  3. Emotionally manipulates me.
  4. Spends unnecessary money when we are short and expecting a child in mere weeks.
  5. Pays for sexual gratification.

I'm so sorry op but this is who he is.

I have a feeling that you're grasping to make this right (hoping he's feeling guilty and that's why he's lashing out), but he has done all of the above. He has paid money for another woman to sexually gratify him. While you're at home pregnant. Come now. You can do better. Better, by the way, doesn't mean another man. It can absolutely mean single.

Absolutely this

GCAcademic · 09/06/2024 13:02

No money to spend on anything for his baby, but finds money to pay a woman to grind herself on him? He's shown you what his priorities are. I would kick him out and then make sure he pays for his child's upkeep through CMS.

GCAcademic · 09/06/2024 13:03

Oh, and he doesn't even have the decency to be contrite about it? That's a deal breaker.

escarg0t · 09/06/2024 13:04

Enforce your boundary and leave him. You and your unborn child deserve better.

Lillers · 09/06/2024 13:46

For me I think it’s his reaction that is the biggest red flag. If he had come to you immediately, grovelling, truly contrite and begging for forgiveness, it would be hard but potentially there’d be something you can work with there.

He hasn’t done that. He’s lied, and then doubled down by trying to hurt you.

I also wonder if you were already concerned about this happening, because you explicitly stated “no lap dances”. With my DH, I wouldn’t even need to set that boundary, it would be obvious. I appreciate every couple is different, but has he done something like this before, or given you reason to worry?

FakeMiddleton · 09/06/2024 14:00

GrazingSheep · 09/06/2024 11:15

He obviously knows your ‘boundary’ was just words and you didn’t mean it.

This.

Enforce your boundary otherwise it's not a boundary.

Bobbotgegrinch · 09/06/2024 14:10

I'm 40 and have probably been on around 15 stag dos. Not a single one of them has involved a stripper. This isn't "something that happens" on stag dos, it's something that happens on some stag dos.

ManilowBarry · 09/06/2024 14:31

Three issues.

  1. Spending money that should be allocated for his child/family.
  1. Lusting after a sex worker and paying her to gyrate provocatively in front of him, maybe even more...
  1. Immature behaviour and being horrible to you in the face of being caught out lying and doing unsavoury things.

He won't change. If anything he will resent you even further and will want to do stuff just to spite you.

whyhavetheygotsomany · 09/06/2024 14:46

Disgusting He clearly has no respect for you

uni0 · 09/06/2024 14:56

I just wouldn't find someone attractive if they even wanted to go in a strip club. Why would you want to, my DP thinks it's cringe and he'd be embarrassed in there

uni0 · 09/06/2024 14:56

Bobbotgegrinch · 09/06/2024 14:10

I'm 40 and have probably been on around 15 stag dos. Not a single one of them has involved a stripper. This isn't "something that happens" on stag dos, it's something that happens on some stag dos.

Agreed

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