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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming about parters behaviour at stag do?

117 replies

NHRN · 20/07/2023 21:27

DP and I both out of long marriages. Relaxed arrangement in that we don't live together, have own lives but spend time together often. Main reason is I don't want to look after another man. We both happy in arrangement. We are monogamous in our relationship and admit that we don't like the idea of the other one with another person. We can both be a little jealous, but laugh about our silliness.

Partner goes abroad on a stag do. Has a history of being a boozer and being a wally. I ask him to please not get hammered and do anything silly....

Totally forgetting that he is on 360 app, I find out he spent whole evening in lap dancing club. He says was just a laugh and means nothing. Say one of the others had a lap dance... The groom to be perhaps? Or did they all. It's a strip club and lap dance club after all...

Had he not left the 360 app on he would have never told me, he says.
These men are 40s and up to 60s. Presumably the women are the age of their kids in many cases.

Abu to be absolutely fuming about this or should I just get over myself? Can't bear to speak to him and am very close to ending it after 5yrs together.

Yes. I have a right to be utterly outraged and he deserves everything he gets
No. I should get over myself and ignore it as harmless fun

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 20/07/2023 21:28

To be expected on a stag unfortunately. Only you know if you trust him or not.

Lefteyetwitch · 20/07/2023 21:32

It's a personal preference. So I don't see it as a big deal.
He doesn't either.
So you can get over it or break up with him.

MXVIT · 20/07/2023 21:32

What do you actually have here? A committed relationship or a casual one? Your opening makes it sound casual - have you ever actually defined it with one another?

If not then the expectations are blurred hence why there's a discord on whether this is ok or not

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 20/07/2023 21:32

I wouldn’t be angry if Dh went to a lap dancing place but he wouldn’t have tried to conceal it.

I don’t know what the 360 app is.

Do you trust him? That’s what it boils down to. And if you don’t trust him then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him in the first place.

MXVIT · 20/07/2023 21:34

Also - you "have your own lives" but ask him not to drink on his mates stag and chastise him for something he did out there?

Sorry, this isn't a relaxed arrangement and you don't have your own lives

RoseslnTheHospital · 20/07/2023 21:37

It is, of course, entirely possible to have a stag do without using lap dancing clubs.

Is your objection to it down to how you feel about the attitudes to women that it involves? Is it about feeling that it is an infidelity at some level? Or both?

If he has incompatible views about women and/or you view this incident as an infidelity then you would not be unreasonable to consider whether you want to continue in this relationship.

Bb234 · 20/07/2023 21:38

I wouldn’t put up with this, the fact your not living together he has freedom to behave how he wants as your relationship is lax by the sounds of it

PimpMyFridge · 20/07/2023 21:39

I think it's sleazy whether he personally had any services or not. So I wouldn't be impressed these are the kind of friends he has and this is the sort of person he is.
I also know loads of people would find that view unrealistic, but I just think that tells you what low standards we accept from men often.

Original poster

NHRN · 20/07/2023 21:42

Thank you. Already it has cleared my mind. You are right. Time to get over myself!

OP posts:

Lefteyetwitch · 20/07/2023 21:44

Honestly I find your stalking him the problematic issue and would be expecting him to be the one angry here.

AnyFucker · 20/07/2023 21:45

I wouldn’t knowingly associate with a loser like this so no way have a relationship with one

You can do better

ReachForTheMars · 20/07/2023 21:46

Its gross and a turn off.

Tbh though, if you're also in your 40s+ I wouldnt want a relationship where I feel like I have to say silly things reminding my partner to behave on holiday or dealing with jealousy. Both turn offs.

Porageeater · 20/07/2023 21:47

I would probably have let dh off with this when younger but now in late 40s it would give me the ick.

fetchacloth · 20/07/2023 21:52

I'd say that's totally to be expected at a stag do 😊

Original poster

NHRN · 20/07/2023 21:54

It does give me the ick. The other men's wives too. All 40 to 60. Only I know, I've not told the other wives/partners. I guess I'm just so disappointed that I thought they grow out of it. Maybe it's just the sad realisation that they don't

OP posts:

PureLife89 · 20/07/2023 21:57

Stag do go to a strip club, big no

Hen do have a stripper, absolutely fine

MN is a weird place

DustyLee123 · 20/07/2023 21:57

They don’t seem to grow out of it. My DF is 76 and thinks he can still pull a 30 year old 🤣🤣🤣 I wouldn’t mind but we’ve recently been discussing getting him some incontinence pads for his leakage .

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 20/07/2023 21:57

Your relationship sounds a bit strange given you’ve been together so long yet have separate lives and don’t live together. Also sad you said you don’t want to look after him? Well why not find a man who doesn’t expect you to?!

The strip club thing is only an issue if you don’t want him looking at other women naked basically! You told him not to get too drunk and do anything silly, if you specified not to go to strip clubs then there would be an issue.

suburbophobe · 20/07/2023 22:00

I wouldn't want to be with such an immature man really.

40 - 60-year-olds acting like pathetic teenagers.

No thanks.

So disrespectful. Of ALL women.
Tells you all you need to know.

Life is great without these assholes around.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 20/07/2023 22:03

The sort of man who visits strip clubs (stag do or not) isn't for me.

BMrs · 20/07/2023 22:06

I wouldn't like it but honestly it's to be expected on a stag do. And I don't think you'd expect him to be the only one to say he can't go because of a committed, relaxed relationship he has with you?? I would draw the line at a lap dance though!

FanFanFanFanYam · 20/07/2023 22:06

Totally a question for you, there’s no objectively “correct” view on it. You know what’s acceptable to you in a relationship. If this isn’t, and it’s a red line, then you know what you need to do.

NoNonsensePotato · 20/07/2023 22:11

Strip clubs are a bit grim but chances are he just went with the flow. Plenty of women have male strippers at hen parties, like in the recent thread where OP had licked squirty cream off the strippers cock and ended up getting carried away and giving him a drunken blowjob.

JudgeRudy · 20/07/2023 22:13

I'd get in touch with the parent who organised the collection/presentation and politely tell them why present is unsuitable and suggest someone else might benefit/ it could be used as a school prize....of course I'd secretly hope that if the took it back 'because you'd hate it to go to waste' that a replacement gift would materialise. I wouldn't expect that at all and I definitely wouldn't expect the same value.
If you say nothing, you've essentially got a jar of jam, so donate it.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 20/07/2023 22:15

Wrong thread JudgeRudy!

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