When's right for family to visit newborn?

[York12345]

Hi all,

Got a bit of a family friction going on over when my parents (I am Dad) will meet our first baby. Would be grateful for your perspectives to gauge whether partner and I are being unreasonable.

Our beautiful baby girl was born 2 days ago. We've been quite keen to have just us 3 in a newborn bubble for a few days from birth to enjoy each other and recover physically + emotionally. Part of the reason for this is that we've had several miscarriages so savouring these few days by ourselves is valuable to us.

Unfortunately, my parents cannot understand this and we've fallen out because we think asking for space and a little time to ourselves is reasonable but they think they should be able to visit baby v. soon after birth. We've invited them tomorrow so they'll meet her when she's 3 days old. No other family or friends have met her. It will be their first grandchild and they live 20min drive away.

I can appreciate their perspective, but really struggling with how I feel they're putting themselves first. I feel like if there's a time to be selfish, it's in the immediate period after having your first child, but maybe my wife and I are taking that too far. All other friends and family have been so happy for us, so this contrast from my parents is difficult to take.

I know there's no right answer to this, but I'm keen to gauge if we need to adjust our perspective.

Thank you for your thoughts!

Congratulations on the birth of your little one.

See them when you're ready and not when other people say you should.

Whenever your wife and you feel comfortable to have anybody visit will be the right time. Life changes so much with the homecoming of your first child, and there's a steep learning curve re feeding the baby and all steps of baby care. Only have visitors who will be supportive/helpful...will they sweep/do laundry/cook/clean up a bit to facilitate your time with baby? Or bring the baby out for a walk if that's what YOU want, so you and your wife can rest? If they expect to be waited on, with parents of newborn expected to bring tea/food etc for visitors, don't bother having them over.

My in-laws had some really OTT moments when our first DC (their first grandchild) was an infant but things have really settled over time. Trying to shout over a screaming baby to tell us some distant acquaintance of theirs wished us congratulations, or when they heard baby crying in the background, demanding reassurance for them that the baby was alright. It was not what we needed when figuring out the early days with baby!

With my first I had a few days stay in hospital, so some visitors came there, stopped at my gran’s on the way home from hospital and also had visitors when I arrived home. With subsequent children most visitors came the day I arrived home or the following morning, depending on what time I was released. Had youngest on a Saturday evening and had to do school run on Monday as DH was working so saw half the village within 36 hours.

Congratulations! Unlike other posters I don’t think it’s at all “precious” or “self absorbed” to want a few days to yourself with a new baby after 9 whole months of waiting to meet them. I think 3 days is completely reasonable, i’ve heard of people wanting months to themselves! It really depends when mum is ready considering she has had go to go through labour/c section, is bleeding, sore and perhaps trying to breastfeed etc. Controversial but I also think it’s completely fine if mum wants her own mum there sooner after birth, mine helped me shower afterwards but I wouldn’t have asked my MIL to do the same!

I think it wouldn't have hurt to let them call in for half an hour before now. But what's done is done now, you say they are coming tomorrow.
They are desperate to meet her because they already love her so much. How much you adore your new baby is just the same as how much your mum and dad adore you, and her!
Parents get so protective around this, but try to remember she is not just your daughter, she is also a granddaughter, she might be a niece, a cousin, she will grow to have friends. Let all of the people who love her have the chance to bond. You'll (and she will) be glad of that as she grows up.
You can still have plenty of time in a bubble after the visitors leave.

My hospital had restrictions on visitors when I gave birth last year. Only 2 visitors during visiting hour. I only wanted my parents to visit as it was a difficult labour. MIL was angry but she cared about seeing the baby, not how I was.

Good to see a man standing up to his mother in this situation.

However, I echo PP queries about maternal grandparents visiting…

It really depends on what mum.wants. That may vary massively depending on how the delivery went, hormones etc. It also depends on the type of people the grandparents are. Some will pop in for half an hour (or however long is required), potetially be helpful and not overwhelm. Others will descend for hours and not pick up on the signals that the baby or parents have had enough. They may also expect to be looked after rather than help. It's just so personal. My MIL actually came to stay when I left hospital after one of my children was born. I felt secure as I knew she was sensible and wouldn't overwhelm me. She just took care of us and didn't insist on taking the baby. She just did everything else so I could concentrate on caring for my baby and toddler. It was a very lovely time that she wpuld.never have got if she had been the pushy type.

I’m a grandmother, I have two sons. I’ve seen all my grandchildren on the day they were born. One DIL said she didn’t want any visitors while in hospital which we would have respected but she changed her mind. ☺️
If I had been asked to wait until day 3 I would have been disappointed but equally I would have sucked it up and kept shtum.
Please try to understand that your parents are so full of joy at having a grandchild that it is painful to have to wait to meet her and that they are coming from a place of love. They have been a bit naughty but I really hope you can find it in your heart to forgive them.

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There’s no right answer here but if my ds ever has a child and stopped me even popping in for an hour I think I would be desperately upset. And I’m absolutely not angsting over him having children, it’s years away, but I’m sure he would be so happy he would want me to meet his child asap.

I couldn't wait for our family and friends to meet the baby!!

My mum was there when dd was born, dad and my aunt and uncle came in the afternoon and inlaws popped in that evening.

Everyone was very excited and nobody stayed too long! We had a lot of visitors in the first week and loved it! They all brought food, made tea and washed up.

But everyone is different!

I agree if the DW genuinely isn’t up for any visitors because feeling especially ill or traumatised but this is the exception rather than the norm. Most new mothers are well enough to be sitting up in bed and well enough to receive a short visit the day after the birth. We always visited immediate family members new babies in hospital within a day or 2. I can’t see what is undignified for the mother unless they are barging in before she’s even had chance to shower and get into a clean bed after the birth. Why would it be undignified for her? Surely if at home can just pop to the bedroom to feed baby or in hospital the DH can suggest popping out for coffee if baby needs feeding. Of course it’s hugely different to visiting a 1 day old baby compared to a one month old, they change hugely in that time
I do think new parents who have this kind of attitude seem to be sending a message that they want there to be that distance between the new family unit and the rest of the family and can’t blame family for taking that message to heart and getting a bit upset about it. Absolutely if a new mother is spewing up, an emotional wreck or in a lot of pain then family would usually understand but otherwise the parents do come across as a bit up themselves

You are absolutely allowed to take some for yourselves.

Ignore everyone who tells you they had all grandparents in first day, other peoples choices and experiences are irrelevant. The point is everyone gets to decide what is right for them.

YANBU

I agree with others who have said it's the mum's choice. Depends entirely on how she's feeling. I don't think mothers are truly given time and space to recover from birth. If you've had a traumatic birth, zero sleep, raging hormones and struggling to establish feeding then adding visitors to the mix is stressful. On the other hand, if you're feeling well, rested and excited to introduce your baby you'll be glad of well-wishers. It can go either way in those early days.

YANBU, do what's best for you and your wife, take the time you need. As for your wife, this next week may be really hard for her, her hormones will be all over the place, added with lack of sleep etc. I think day 5 for me with our second I was an absolute wreck and turned down meeting family, I honestly couldnt face it.
Enjoy your time as a family, look after each other and stick to your guns. Congratulations btw 😀

I didn't set any restrictions on who could visit or when. In fact, I found myself very quickly actually craving adult company so I was happy to have visitors.

My parents lived over three hours away when I had my first baby and I was only in hospital for one night. It meant they saw DD when she was two days old. DH's parents were at their apartment in Majorca so even further to come and they had to go out and book flights. So it took them a few days longer.

Do whatever is right for you, but don't keep them out for too long. For the record, them visiting when baby is three days old is certainly not restricting them for too long. We are all different though.

They sound very excited and eager. I'd accept that and when they visit I'd also accept any help they are able and willing to offer.

Newborn bubble? In my family visitors are welcomed as soon as baby is home. I think you’re both being a bit precious tbh

Precious and self-absorbed, imo.

Our families and friends were welcome as soon as our babies were born. We wouldn’t have dreamt of keeping excited grandparents away.

I was rather like that.

I wanted the company, support and assurance of normality and the continued existence of the outside world that visitors could offer.

Thanks all. Seems an incredibly divisive topic.

Congratulations! Your baby, your decision.

Gransnet is full of entitled women who think they are as important as the new parents, causing all sorts of grief for the families .
Start as you mean to go on.

I would argue that most births are traumatising to some extent. The mother will still look pregnant, be bleeding, sore, bruised, potentially have stitches, exhausted, hormonally all over the place, trying to establish breastfeeding and having skin to skin contact so mostly in a state of undress. That is undignified, particularly when infront of non blood relatives.

Another person’s desire to see a ‘smaller’ baby is a bit ridiculous. It doesn’t matter if the baby is different/ older/ bigger.

It is a very diverse topic! People's opinions are always going to be split on it, it also depends on relationships with the grandparents.

Hopefully everyone remembers there's a chance they'll be grandparents one day, so just do what you'd be happy with done to you. And if that's a few days, a month, immediately, then so be it.

The concept of not allowing close family (particularly grandparents) to visit soon afterwards is a very modern thing. I've read on Mumsnet of new mums who won't let anyone in the house for at least a fortnight and who get quite hysterical about it. It really would be quite alien to many older (I don't even mean old) people.

I really do understand that neither of you want them to spend hours and hours at your place but you could make this clear from the start. Invite them round for a cup of tea and then make noises about your wife being exhausted (which is true).

Ultimately it's your home, your baby and your rules but you don't really want to start off on the wrong foot with grandparents who can be an absolute lifeline at times.

Fwiw, I'd be more on your side of the fence. I had my daughter at approx 11pm and walked a very short distance home with her at approx 7pm the next evening. I was definitely not up for visitors. I had to get my head together before seeing anyone else. And my undercarriage was in ribbons! Sometimes you just need a bit of space, it's a completely life changing event after all.