When's right for family to visit newborn?

[York12345]

Hi all,

Got a bit of a family friction going on over when my parents (I am Dad) will meet our first baby. Would be grateful for your perspectives to gauge whether partner and I are being unreasonable.

Our beautiful baby girl was born 2 days ago. We've been quite keen to have just us 3 in a newborn bubble for a few days from birth to enjoy each other and recover physically + emotionally. Part of the reason for this is that we've had several miscarriages so savouring these few days by ourselves is valuable to us.

Unfortunately, my parents cannot understand this and we've fallen out because we think asking for space and a little time to ourselves is reasonable but they think they should be able to visit baby v. soon after birth. We've invited them tomorrow so they'll meet her when she's 3 days old. No other family or friends have met her. It will be their first grandchild and they live 20min drive away.

I can appreciate their perspective, but really struggling with how I feel they're putting themselves first. I feel like if there's a time to be selfish, it's in the immediate period after having your first child, but maybe my wife and I are taking that too far. All other friends and family have been so happy for us, so this contrast from my parents is difficult to take.

I know there's no right answer to this, but I'm keen to gauge if we need to adjust our perspective.

Thank you for your thoughts!

The right answer is whatever your wife wants. She’s the one who has given birth.

Same.

You've had a baby, not welcomed the son of god.

I don't understand the 'we need to recover' - aside from probably tiredness, it's only your wife that needs to recover surely?

The newborn phase is tiresome and a shock to the system. But that'll be the same in a week from now, so I don't see the harm in letting them come round for an hour. Give them an hour, tell them that when baby cries he / she goes back to mum and that's that.
Be assertive by all means and don't let anyone take the piss, but equally, you don't need to make grandparents 'wait'. What are they waiting for?

I'm all for waiting until home from hospital / next days. But the 'newborn bubble' is just a bit cringe for me.

Of course you didn't have to.

You're in your own home, you can refuse to make food or drink for anyone you like. Besides, where was dad in this?

I totally agree that birth and having a new baby is a huge experience and I’m a total advocate of a few weeks for the mother to rest and recover etc. However having given birth several times myself and talked to friends about their experiences plus cared for many new mothers, having close family visit after going through all that is even more appreciated, a bit like seeing your family at the end of running a marathon. If there is a difficult relationship then can understand they may be last people you want to see. Obviously no one wants a long visit as you want to enjoy the visit but then feel free to go back and rest etc and personally I absolutely wouldn’t want people to bring their children along, expect riveting conversation, entertaining, dinner or prolonged holding of baby.
I exclusively breastfeed all my babies for several years and didn’t feel the need to sit through the early days in a state of constant skin to skin undress. Hormones, yes but as long as everyone gentle and kind they wasn’t an issue. Of course bleeding (usually wearing some quite heavy duty maternity and breast pads) sore and hobbling (visitors should expect that) If the DW genuinely feels unable to see the parents in law then fair enough but where couples have made thus decision before the birth then they do tend to be the sort that are up themselves

Your baby your rules. What does mum want. I agree with the bubble as it’s your baby not anyone else’s. I get grandparents want to see the baby but they forget they didn’t give birth so don’t get a say. The first week or so after having a baby are the worst you don’t want a stampede of visitors while you are trying to bond with the baby and relax.

I think visiting people underestimate how much they are still visitors and put a pressure on new parents. Visitors want photos - and new parents want to look relatively ok on them and the house not to be a tip. Visitors want tea etc. some times they comment on how to do this and that . And in most cases it’s all fine . But very often new mum is physically exhausted and just want to be in her bed. Or breastfeeding is not established yet and you want to focus on it without comments. Or grandparents live 3 hours away so their assumption is that if you’ve done such a long distance you should stay for 3 days and then of course they have to wait as 3 days is a big ask.
So in a way there are no strict rules, it depends a lot on personalities, relationships, amount of space, difficulties involved. I would say as soon as possible but just to say hello , unless new parents are asking otherwise.

Congratulations 💐 This is the scenario where no one else's opinion matters. You have to do what feels right for you. Some posters will have had their extended family round the second they got home, which is fine because it felt right for them.

When my long wanted IVF baby was born (after several miscarriages) we saw MIL on day 4, my mum and sister on day 5, then my dad just after that. No one felt that was too long or begrudged us that time together. I was recovering from c section, learning to breastfeed, and we were getting used to having a baby after everything.

I suspect you knew that.

I bet your Dad can though, I bet he was beaming !
As previously mentioned, this new born bubble stuff is a relatively recent thing. I can’t imagine being told I can’t see my new grandchild for a few days, thankfully neither my son or daughter would do this to me. Also I am self aware enough not to overstay my welcome

Completely agree, there really shouldn’t be any expectations on the new mother (the father shouldn’t have any difficulty in making everyone cups of tea however!) it really should just be a quick visit at a convenient time for the parents and non close family should be happy to wait a couple of weeks. Definitely no unflattering comments or photos either!!

I think it has to be about mums recovery. Personally I would not have felt comfortable receiving visitors in my nightwear or in bed apart from maybe my own parents.

Given that it's not even been a week I think your parents are being ridiculous.

‘having close family visit after going through all that is even more appreciated’

But that is not how the OP’s DW feels. They don’t want to have visitors for the first few days and that’s ok.

Sometimes people let everyone know beforehand to establish boundaries and avoid disappointment. This seems quite sensible and does not remotely make someone ‘up themselves’.

FWIW I came home a few hours after giving birth and had a take away with my PIL because they had been looking after our dog, and later our DD. However, I also exclusively breastfeed my babies and I was in a permanent state of undress in the first few weeks, so having to get dressed and make conversation with visitors was exhausting.

I think some people ought to remember that the baby can still feel like an extension of the mother’s body and not everyone will be comfortable passing them around like a doll, not to mention the lack of immunity in a baby so young. It’s pretty normal for new parents to feel overly protective; it’s a basic instinct.

Respectfully, you sound incredibly entitled there and completely inconsiderate of your dils recent experience .it's not up to you to decide when you you see your grandchild, and it's incredibly rude to dismiss the DIL's feelings. It might all be fine, but it might not. And it's not an insult, it's often just needing a bit of space there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

completely irrelevant.

Seeing your mum and a virtual stranger, even a MIL, are 2 different scenarios.

People having a strop because they can't cuddle a newborn can only mean they have no respect for boundaries and are a pain in the arse.

right for family to visit newborn? when the MOTHER - the one who has gone through physical labour and is dealing with all the physical and mental issues - is ready.

OP you sound lovely and caring to respect that. Meeting a newborn at 3 days is VERY early, they should be very grateful.

But not self aware enough to realise that the birth of your grandchild isn’t about you… 😂

This.

So I agree YABU.

I can see, that, in theory, of course the parents "have the right" to not allow grandparents to pop in for an hour, but know it will cause hurt and that you have now set the bar for making things difficult, going forwards.

We had visitors the day after birth, but u don’t see why 3 days space is too much, if that’s what you want.

Word of warning: make it clear to your parents that when they do come there must be no comments about having had to wait. That will not go down well with your DW and it’s your job to speak to your parents about this.

Yes I do totally agree that people shouldn’t necessarily expect to hold the baby (especially with my first I felt obligated to let everyone hold the baby while also feeling very uncomfortable about it) and I’m very nervous about people bringing infections to the new baby too. Agree long visits too can be exhausting and end up interfering with establishing feeding as you then feel twice as worse when your up all that night but haven’t had the opportunity to rest in the day or baby has slept longer than usual during the day rather than feed due to all the holding and humdrum of chatter. I’m very much just talking about grandparents popping in for half an hour to just see the baby, congratulate the parents etc.
I think sadly this new trend has come about due to a sledgehammer with a nut approach to visitors who haven’t behaved appropriately. I do think expectant new parents who jump on this trend without much consideration (just because they’ve been told in some class it’s a good idea) are too up themselves to realise the message it gives out when most people are happy to share that joy with their closest family. If however the DW has just been knocked for 6 and can’t bare even a short visit then absolutely fair enough but think DH should explain that reason to his parents

Nonsense

Just read the many MANY threads of women who didn't set boundaries, who had to suffer through the visit of unwanted In-Laws instead of recovering in peace when they were at their most fragile time and who really struggled because of all this nonsense.

It is a bad start indeed when grand-parents decide the birth is all about them, not about the woman who has just gone through it!

It’s up to the woman who’s birthed a baby when she’s ready for visitors really. Is she bleeding/sore/anxious/tired/worried/learning to BF? If she wants rest, let her rest. Everything else can wait.

Yes, I do agree with this. It is up to the new mum to decide when she is ready to see people. Grandparents should not kick off if they have to wait a few days.

Nobody needs to ‘explain’ their choices regarding their baby to anyone, not even to the grandparents.

I'm not a fan of the if you don't give us want we want as grandparents then it's all your fault if we aren't close to your baby attitude.

This absolutely, I think if it were a case of being worried about boundaries this could have been easily handled, the mother could retire to the bedroom after half an hour with the baby. The father could suggest taking grandparents on a walk etc. If the DW couldn’t handle a short visit, again could of been easily explained by the father that she’s very tired, in a lot of pain, send lots of pictures, maybe FaceTime with the baby and please can we see how she is tomorrow.
Just ‘ we want to be in our own little bubble for x number of days’ does sound a bit pathetic and self centred

A few days is fine. Any longer might cause upset. My in laws were very demanding. They visited the hospital before I left the room where I gave birth. It was too much for me. Unlike my mother, who was there for me (also a retired midwife!) they were there for themselves. The baby didn’t need them and I didn’t need them. However, once we were home, I was fine to have them round. They were still too demanding though. They wanted to visit every week. They insisted on holding the baby throughout each visit. They accused me of arranging for my newborn to be asleep then they visited so they could ‘play’. They expected to have the baby overnight from 3 weeks old…. I breastfed on demand (as does everyone in my family) so they never happened. Their behaviour was so demanding that they alienated themselves. It was worse than that actually. While I was pregnant, my mother in law told her colleagues she was pregnant (at almost 60)! As soon as each child could walk and talk she lost interest. She’s seriously unhinged. But we learnt after the first that no one gets invited to the hospital and we will invite them soon after we get home. You have already done that. Your parents probably aren’t batshit crazy, so be kind. Make them feel included. Have them sooner rather than later and invite them back a fortnight after that.