When's right for family to visit newborn?

[York12345]

Hi all,

Got a bit of a family friction going on over when my parents (I am Dad) will meet our first baby. Would be grateful for your perspectives to gauge whether partner and I are being unreasonable.

Our beautiful baby girl was born 2 days ago. We've been quite keen to have just us 3 in a newborn bubble for a few days from birth to enjoy each other and recover physically + emotionally. Part of the reason for this is that we've had several miscarriages so savouring these few days by ourselves is valuable to us.

Unfortunately, my parents cannot understand this and we've fallen out because we think asking for space and a little time to ourselves is reasonable but they think they should be able to visit baby v. soon after birth. We've invited them tomorrow so they'll meet her when she's 3 days old. No other family or friends have met her. It will be their first grandchild and they live 20min drive away.

I can appreciate their perspective, but really struggling with how I feel they're putting themselves first. I feel like if there's a time to be selfish, it's in the immediate period after having your first child, but maybe my wife and I are taking that too far. All other friends and family have been so happy for us, so this contrast from my parents is difficult to take.

I know there's no right answer to this, but I'm keen to gauge if we need to adjust our perspective.

Thank you for your thoughts!

Maybe she's just sore? Not up to people yet? Sheesh 🙄

Thankfully the only time I see this is on here. There are some very strange ideas on here about family in general. It has not been my experience. I honestly don't know a single person from my family or wide group of friends that thinks like this. They all just had their babies and got on with life.

I wanted my parents and in laws to come to the hospital as soon as I got back from delivery room with the new baby. Couldn't wait to show him off. Had visitors at home every day for weeks when we went back home. We had cake and tea and champagne, it was the most wonderful and exciting time, sharing our joy with everyone. I really don't get why everyone isn't like us!
I feel a bit sorry for new parents who seem to want to hide away, my brain can't get understand that at all.

Everyone is different. There's no need to feel sorry for anyone.

Reverse this:

There’s no reason why they can’t wait a few days. I don’t see why PIL are causing so much stress.

The newborn bubble is about bonding, breastfeeding, sleep, recovery, protecting the new baby’s immunity and the mother’s mental health. By arguing against this PIL have shown how little they care, like or respect their DIL and DS.

I assume they will want to have an ongoing relationship with their DGC and won’t want their DIL to go NC..?

I'm asian so I don't know if my opinion on this is affected by tradition cultural norms. My mum saw my dd1 whilst I was in recovery after my csection, she came for the birth. My pil arrived by time I got to the ward. She was the first grandchild for my mum who burst into tears and the first granddaughter for inlaws. Fil thanked me for her as she was the first dd born in his family for 40 years. They were all concerned for me and I got lots of love too. My dad and siblings arrived later that evening. These memories are precious to both dh and I and I cherish them. I never felt that anything was taken away from our experience as first time parents by having them there. For us it was a tremendous joy to share with those that love us the most. That was very much how we felt though. You feel differently, and that absolutely should be respected. This is a special time for you and whilst I don't understand the way you feel (and neither do your parents by the sound of things) they ought to respect the boundaries you put in place. I wouldn't fall out with them over this but I do think being firm is sometimes very appropriate.

There isn't ever a wrong or right way of doing these things just whatever feels right for you as a couple. Congratulations.

My lovely mum and dad came up to the hospital to meet our new baby, my awesome mother in law also came.

we did go home together alone with the baby and friends and sister visited in the next couple of days.

Baby bubbles weren’t really a thing back in the 80s/90s well I hadn’t considered it personally and all was fine.

Anyway you should do what you want to do 👶🏻

My parents have always been with us ASAP after baby has been born, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. My in laws were always contacted immediately afterwards as well, but chose not to visit for weeks for most them. I don't subscribe to the post baby bubble though, and am all for sharing the love and joy as soon as I could.

Great. You do you.

Others don't have to follow your preferences. Your DAUGHTER-IN-LAW in the future will be entitled to want peace and quiet from you.

oh dear lord, can't you now

I think it depends massively on whether the visitors are likely to behave themselves and how the mum is feeling. You don't want visitors who expect to be waited on or who won't give the baby back when they need feeding.

I was happy to have visitors at home but I really didn't want visitors when we were in hospital. Most people respected that but some didn't and I hated that.

I absolutely think early visits should be brief, and by close family only, from both sides.

But this 'bubble' and only wanting your own mummy is a bit precious, never mind thoroughly selfish.

Your husbands job is to show them the door after half an hour or so, and to hold the fort if you need to be in bed resting.

3 days old is more than reasonable.

Both sets of parents met my daughter when she was 5 days old, we also wanted the first few days to ourselves and thankfully they totally respected that.
Congratulations on your beautiful new baby. Enjoy this time.

Let them meet the baby for half hour have a cuddle then they will back off, it's not worth falling out over

If an 8lb lump had just exited his body via exhausting squeezing and tearing or major surgery; then I think op would feel more comfortable having a chat with his own family than his in laws. Men get two days bed rest after getting the snip for goodness sake

Well done for standing up to your parents, DH didn't and we spent my first night at home after the birth arguing because I was so exhausted and couldn't face visitors and he was insistent that his parents and his siblings and their families come down the next day to stay for a few days. Our eldest is 16 and it still upsets me when I think about it. Funnily enough they showed no interest in coming to visit after DC2 or DC3 were born, in comparison my Mum came to help me every time.

Apart from my Mum (who was with us to look after me and did all our cooking and housework for the first 2 weeks of DC1's life) we had no visitors for a week after DC1. That was my brother, who I love dearly, and I was still crying the night before he visited because I was so exhausted I had no idea what I was going to be able to say to him. I'm quite jealous of people who felt well enough to entertain visitors at home in the immediate aftermath of having their first DC, that wasn't my experience at all.

In the past women had much longer in hospital after the birth and visitors were carefully restricted (in number and time) so the experience of today's grandmothers is very different from that of their DILs. Having two visitors in hospital for under an hour is very different to being expected to host at home. It's no wonder young Mums want a few days to recover from the birth without visitors.

My family came to hospital so met my DS1 before he was a day old. Much easier to ‘host’ for an hour during visiting time than have to make cups of tea at home! My in-laws visited for half an hour after a week. I found that quite odd, they couldn’t be persuaded to stay any longer. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I get what you're saying but I still don't agree tbh. A new mum, who is recovering from something quite life changing, shouldn't have to suffer through stuff she doesn't want to/isn't able to. They can wait a few days. Pictures can be sent, and phonecalls will be made. Imo, mum should be the priority after nine long months and the difficulty of birth.

any messages

thanks for your opinion on the matter, but we have decided this is what’s best for our family. Once again your opinion is valid and we hope you’re able to validate our opinion on this matter.

keep sending the same shit sandwich text message, which basically says our opinion is as valid as yours

Suffer? Doesn't want to?

Unless there's a huge backstory of physical or emotional abuse how much is a quick visit from the child's grandparents going to cause anyone to 'suffer'?!

I welcomed family the same day baby was born.

It's perfectly reasonable for couples to stay as a nuclear family 'bubble' if that is what they want to do. It's fine to ask relations to wait a few days or even a few weeks to meet your baby if that's what you want. There is no 'rule' to follow or break no matter how much your family or friends or people on the internet try to say there is. There's no entitlement to access to your child if you're not the parents. It's also fine and natural for a new mother (and even moreso a first time mother) to want to see her mother and introduce her child to her mother, or both her parents depending on the closeness of her relationship with her father, before the in-laws. You are doing the right thing to attend to what your partner needs and what you as a couple want, not what pushy relations want. Set your boundaries, prioritise your family unit, and you won't go far wrong! 🙂

Also any entitled grannies reading this.. I am a boy mum and my plan for future grandkids is to cement my good relationship with my future DIL long before they have kids so she seems me as someone who doesn't judge her, cares about her wellbeing, nurtures and can take hints without being offended. If all that groundwork is there then I expect she'd be more likely to feel comfortable with me popping by when she is postpartum but even if she isn't I know that 2-3 weeks makes no difference in the grand scheme of things. And I would still offer to drop round food and take away laundry for cleaning even if I wasn't allowed in (for those first couple of weeks) as THAT is what sets the tone for how you relationship will be.
My ex MIL asked to come to hospital (wasn't allowed as covid anyway) and then expected me to come and visit her a week post c section when I couldn't drive - felt really put out she was meant to visit me and she just held baby while I made her coffees. (See my post aibu to reduce contact with ex MIL)

I understand not wanting people to come and stay for hours and hours or even stay overnight but it's seems really unkind not to let people who live so close pop over to see the baby when they are just born.
I think it's mean.