When's right for family to visit newborn?

[York12345]

Hi all,

Got a bit of a family friction going on over when my parents (I am Dad) will meet our first baby. Would be grateful for your perspectives to gauge whether partner and I are being unreasonable.

Our beautiful baby girl was born 2 days ago. We've been quite keen to have just us 3 in a newborn bubble for a few days from birth to enjoy each other and recover physically + emotionally. Part of the reason for this is that we've had several miscarriages so savouring these few days by ourselves is valuable to us.

Unfortunately, my parents cannot understand this and we've fallen out because we think asking for space and a little time to ourselves is reasonable but they think they should be able to visit baby v. soon after birth. We've invited them tomorrow so they'll meet her when she's 3 days old. No other family or friends have met her. It will be their first grandchild and they live 20min drive away.

I can appreciate their perspective, but really struggling with how I feel they're putting themselves first. I feel like if there's a time to be selfish, it's in the immediate period after having your first child, but maybe my wife and I are taking that too far. All other friends and family have been so happy for us, so this contrast from my parents is difficult to take.

I know there's no right answer to this, but I'm keen to gauge if we need to adjust our perspective.

Thank you for your thoughts!

For example, I don't want to see my in-laws in my pjs, why should I have to make the effort of putting clothes on and receive "visitors" a day or 2 after giving birth?

My mum has seen me in pjs since I was born, 😂clearly not the same.

It's not about the GRAND-PARENTS, it's about the mother who has just given birth - who in most case is still leaking blood, struggling to use the loo, dealing with an exhausting experience and possibly working on breast feeding.

Why on earth would anyone intrude and demand to visit when new parents want peace? How bloody rude and inconsiderate.

Because they might be knackered and in bits after squeezing a human out of a very small hole. Hosting is likely not top of their list of priorities.

It’s completely up to your partner. I understand people are excited to see a new baby but a woman who’s just been through labour and is in recovery shouldn’t have to deal with visitors until she’s ready, and I say that as someone who has their whole family over a few hours after giving birth.

Well if being seen in your pjs by your in-laws having just been a hospital inpatient is a step too far, then you really are totally unfathomable.

My gosh, you might have not much self respect and need for privacy, but if you can't comprehend that others do, you must be a nightmare in-laws

Grandparents relationship is really hard to navigate. They do feel a sense of entitlement and it’s hard to keep the peace while keeping a boundary. In some ways it’s lovely they want to be such a part of baby’s life, however - You are totally right and need to be selfish in this case (your baby and you come first). Try to be assertive while explaining as gently and tactfully as possible that now and going forward it’s your baby, your rules. Otherwise there will be more overstepping the mark! Congratulations and good luck!

Grandparents like this rarely do things for the kid but for their selfish need. They seem overly dramatic and have caused chaos where it doesn't need to be because they don't respect your requests.

I was in hospital for 4 days after I think. My parents came the day after (DM was there for the birth) then his dad came the following day. We requested no visitors while he was on paternity leave so we could get a rhythm and routine. After that they came every week. They were 1.5 hours away.

You are the parent and it's your kid. As long as you and your wife agree, they don't have a say.

Your the parents, your wife needs recovery time.
I had visitors 27 days in a row after birth of DD1 it was ridiculous. Enjoy the bubble

Mean and unfathomable. A very weird new obsession, not to want the people who gave birth to and reared the parents, to meet the new baby and share the joy as soon as possible.

My perfectly lovely DILs encouraged me to visit the day after they were home, we called in and stayed about 30 mins. Long enough to meet the new babies, drop them their dinner , bits of shopping and cakes and biscuits.

After that I was calling in with their clean laundry, prescriptions for mum and walking their dog.

Thank god my kids and their other halves are reasonable adults.

DD1's last child was born 8 years ago. Have things really changed that much since then? Sad if so.

Several posters gave asked if the same rules apply to the maternal parents, please can you answer this?

People are so precious about stuff these days. "Bubble" 😁

Just let them come and visit. They've had babies, they know what it's like. They won't stay long.

And btw - it's your wife who needs to physically recover, not you.

Why is that particularly important?

Yes, it's his wife. So she gets to decide who visits.

Because equal grandparents! Waaaaaahhhh!

3 days post partum I was in pain from my C section, struggling with breastfeeding, exhausted, wearing a leg catheter and developing an agonising UTI. I wasn’t able to wash my hair for 10 days. Should I have forced myself to have visitors just so I didn’t upset anyone?

Of course! And thrown up a three course meal 😂

@DanielGault do you really consider the paternal grandparents somehow second best? Less interested? Less important? Less likely to love and cherish the child?

Yes of course mums are to be considered in every way.. any normal reasonable woman would agree and go out of their way to respect and support a new mum. But really. Your son's children's are just as precious as your daughters.

Totally up to you! She’s your baby. Three days is very soon!
We have a new nephew who lives 5 mins away. We do loads for them but they’ve still not let us meet him and he’s over two weeks old. There isn’t any other family which I find odd!!

I’ve never understood this “baby bubble” need.

Where I am everyone welcomes the new baby as soon as possible and offer their congratulations, close family sometimes visit in hospital. Quick visit, look at the little wrinkly bundle, say they are gorgeous (even if they look like Winston Churchill) then they piss off and let you get on with it.

Each to their own I guess and you are in control, but also understandable if close family who are excited their baby has had a baby, want that initial connection, to share your happiness and welcome the new baby feel pushed back.

I think it’s whenever the mother is ready- the whole thing is hardest on her by a country mile. If she needs a few days then so be it. Or longer.

I don’t think it’s fair to compare the maternal grandparents with the paternal ones though like some have on this thread. Sometimes you just need your mum with you when you’re feeling most vulnerable and it’s not personal against anyone else. And that’s coming from a person who has a lousy relationship with their own mother and won’t be wanting her round straight after I give birth later this year.

Congratulations and enjoy your new baby OP. Don’t be afraid to tell people to back off if they’re being too demanding.

Not unless it's actually the mum writing of course...

Of course not, would have been enough for your DP to just tell people you’re struggling and can’t face any visitors yet and they should understand. It’s the whole baby bubble ‘we just don’t want to share this precious time with even our closest family for half an hour’ trend that comes across as a bit strange to a generation that went through birth too but was more then happy for a short visit from the grandparents the day after the birth.

I wonder how many of these new parents that have their bubble and keep everyone away will be moaning in a few years that their parents/parents in law/siblings etc don't have a relationship with their kids and don't put them first.