When's right for family to visit newborn?

[York12345]

Hi all,

Got a bit of a family friction going on over when my parents (I am Dad) will meet our first baby. Would be grateful for your perspectives to gauge whether partner and I are being unreasonable.

Our beautiful baby girl was born 2 days ago. We've been quite keen to have just us 3 in a newborn bubble for a few days from birth to enjoy each other and recover physically + emotionally. Part of the reason for this is that we've had several miscarriages so savouring these few days by ourselves is valuable to us.

Unfortunately, my parents cannot understand this and we've fallen out because we think asking for space and a little time to ourselves is reasonable but they think they should be able to visit baby v. soon after birth. We've invited them tomorrow so they'll meet her when she's 3 days old. No other family or friends have met her. It will be their first grandchild and they live 20min drive away.

I can appreciate their perspective, but really struggling with how I feel they're putting themselves first. I feel like if there's a time to be selfish, it's in the immediate period after having your first child, but maybe my wife and I are taking that too far. All other friends and family have been so happy for us, so this contrast from my parents is difficult to take.

I know there's no right answer to this, but I'm keen to gauge if we need to adjust our perspective.

Thank you for your thoughts!

Crikey I'm probably in the minority here but you have plenty of time in your new parent bubble when you take your baby home! I'm a grandparent and DD1 wanted me to meet her two babies within 48 hours not three days. Think YABVU asking your DP to wait so long to meet their first grandchild.

Fair enough but the grandparents have the right to feel as they have also and if they end up being closer to the son/daughters family who haven’t behaved like this them that’s up to them too.

That’s just silly . I wouldn’t over step but I also know they want me there. Because they said so. Doesn’t mean I’ll stay for ages, they’re just excited to show me their new baby.

I don't think I it's divisive as such, just that there's no right or wrong answer and you should do you. It doesn't matter what any other couple did, you wouldn't change your mind based on a random sample of posters who happen to reply to this thread would you?

I would have a word for warning though, your mother sounds overbearing, you could be in for a years of conflict between her and your wife if that hasn't happened already

We spoke about it and both my son and my daughter- it’s both of them- said we could visit straight away, and I know not to stay for hours .
Didn’t explain myself very well !

My dad and dhs mum visited the next morning in hospital for an hour. We had to stay in 3 nights as dd was early so when we left drove straight to dhs grandma where his mum and stepdad where. Visited friends across the road straight after.
That way everyone who needed to see dd had, and they then voluntarily left it a week before visiting without us saying anything.

Day three is the worst for hormones going max, would HIGHLY recommend waiting to day five if you can x

There doesn't seem to be a suggestion that the wife thinks differently. Why does 24 hours in what will hopefully be a long my life if the baby make the blindest bit of differnce?

If my parents had been so close I wouldn’t have minded them popping round for a limited time (eg an hour) in the hospital or when we were home, they actually visited at a similar time to yours.

Yours are out of order but they’re probably just desperately excited, I’d try to let the whole thing blow over - this is a new chapter of your lives and you’ll need them (assuming a good relationship usually).

But we don't know what the OPs wife has said do we (haven't read the whole thread). As pp said day 3 can be when new mum gets a hormone overload and won't want any visitor. I hope when DD2s baby arrives soon I will be welcomed to meeting my new grandchild sooner rather than later but obv I will go with her choice.
Incidentally how do you know if a grandparent has a long life left? I'm already 76 so time is against me!

It is a new thing, and it is understandable that grandparents don't 'get it'.
In the past some grandparents used to be at the hospital waiting for the birth, and they and other relatives would have been stunned to hear they couldn't see the newborn for days.
I am not saying this new tradition of keeping 'a bubble' is wrong for you but it is hard for older relatives to understand.

Fair enough!

Gosh, your partner was in labour 3 days ago and she's now navigating breastfeeding and sleep deprivation as well as soreness etc.

3 days to host visitors is awful. Try 3 months.

That's reasonable for other cultures too. Japanese is 40 days, Asia is similar. Unless they're aiming to come round cook etc.

Our families met both our babies within a few hours of birth. It was lovely to see them and see how happy they were to be grandparents. My sister also visited at the same time as my parents. Once we got home there was never really an invitation to visit. I would pop into mums or mum in laws with baby or meet them for a coffee, lunch etc. When the second came along we had to stay in a couple of nights and again people visited. Once we were home we were out and about dropping older child to nursery etc so everyone met them within a few days.

We don't know what she's said but why would we think that the OP is lying? A generalisation I know but how likely is it that a woman has just given birth wants her MIL to come round and her husband says no 😀

I can't imagine keeping any of our parents away from a brand new grandchild. The whole newborn bubble thing feels ridiculously precious to me, unless there is a bad relationship. Most grandparents just want a cuddle with their new grandchild and to check that their own child is ok. I have such lovely memories from our parents meeting our babies (in the hospital for our first and the day after we got home on our second as they weren't allowed in the hospital thanks to covid).

Remember, these are people who love your little baby just as much as you do. That's a good thing.

As soon as the person who has had a human being exit her body feels ready to see people outside her immediate support system

Literally says in the OP no other family or friends have met her.

These periods are for the recovery of the mother, not for them to have no visitors!! Quite the opposite, I found most grandparents and close family members from these cultures popped into see mum and baby as soon as we’d got the delivery room all cleaned up and mother comfortable and in clean sheets, back at home the mother would be very well cared for and wouldn’t be expected to do anything except care for her baby for several weeks.

Your baby , your decision . When I had ours everyone was welcome from the start and that worked for us .

It’s so important that you stick to your guns and advocate for your wife. I still remember my husband’s father and stepmother coming and staying with us when our son was tiny. I could still get pissed off about it now if I really thought about it and our son is 25 now 🙈

He might, but the rights of his wife who has just delivered a baby trumps his wishes in that scenario

Theres a world of difference between people coming to stay and popping in for half an hour, hell I would have been livid at that too!! This is absolutely a special time and him allowing guests overnight is beyond ridiculous

Agreed. People are just completely wacko these days.

They live 20 mins away. There's no reason they couldn't pop round to meet new baby. I don't see why you caused such hurt.

I don't even know where newborn bubble has come from. Where do you get such silly ideas? I'd understand if your parents were horrible but by doing this you've told them how little you care, like or respect them.

I assume you won't want any help from them with your dc? No babysitting or school collections.