When's right for family to visit newborn?

[York12345]

Hi all,

Got a bit of a family friction going on over when my parents (I am Dad) will meet our first baby. Would be grateful for your perspectives to gauge whether partner and I are being unreasonable.

Our beautiful baby girl was born 2 days ago. We've been quite keen to have just us 3 in a newborn bubble for a few days from birth to enjoy each other and recover physically + emotionally. Part of the reason for this is that we've had several miscarriages so savouring these few days by ourselves is valuable to us.

Unfortunately, my parents cannot understand this and we've fallen out because we think asking for space and a little time to ourselves is reasonable but they think they should be able to visit baby v. soon after birth. We've invited them tomorrow so they'll meet her when she's 3 days old. No other family or friends have met her. It will be their first grandchild and they live 20min drive away.

I can appreciate their perspective, but really struggling with how I feel they're putting themselves first. I feel like if there's a time to be selfish, it's in the immediate period after having your first child, but maybe my wife and I are taking that too far. All other friends and family have been so happy for us, so this contrast from my parents is difficult to take.

I know there's no right answer to this, but I'm keen to gauge if we need to adjust our perspective.

Thank you for your thoughts!

Although this is nothing like how we handled things, it is completely ok for you as parents to want to settle into and enjoy the first few days with baby.

We had a long journey to parenthood, but mine was a short pregnancy. DC very early and delivered under general anaesthetic. Family came to see me the next day and met our DC at the exact same time as I did.

I think probably get far too precious about "?those first few days"
I was in hospital on a busy ward for 3 days and 4 days after mine. There was no privacy and OH could only be there for short periods. PIL came to visit the same day...before I had even showered.
Not saying any of that was ideal but that people should check their privilege at being at home and appreciate that they have family looking out for them.

My grandson was born on Boxing Day. DDIL’s parents met him on the 28th and we met him on the 30th/31st. We live 3hrs away, her parents live up the road from them, so we stayed in a hotel. I did the laundry, cooked some meals, and cleaned up a bit for them as well as having baby cuddles.

We didn’t miss anything by waiting a few days to go. DDIL had an emergency c-section, and DGS was 3 weeks early, so it was all a bit of a shock. It wasn’t like we waited months.

When I had DS1, he was born at half past midnight. By 11am, my parents and 2yr old niece were at the hospital and they stayed all day. Then at teatime, my sister, Nan, brother, sister-in-law and 13yo niece turned up for a couple of hours. DH was there too. It was too much and made me feel quite unwell tbh. I’d been in labour for over 24hrs, had had a ventouse and felt like shit. I could have done with some less visitors in the initial hours.

Of course it's up to you. My father came to meet my baby in the hospital (section so I stayed a couple days). I was surprised my mother didn't come (can't remember why she didn't). When we got home we had a stream of visitors and went out to a restaurant the second day. I don't get this 'bubble' thing - we had plenty of time just the three of us as well as the visitors! Babies are pretty dull and it was nice for a few days though have the buzz of people around (and this from someone who normally does not care to socialise much).
But three days is hardly anything and your parents should respect that. As long as your in laws did too.

It’s really sad that some people are dismissing and belittling the idea of a ‘baby bubble’ simply because they don’t understand it or wouldn’t have wanted it themselves.

I’m shocked at the complete lack of empathy for what the mother has gone through and the idea that she is ‘entitled’ ‘mean’ ‘pathetic’ etc for not putting the desires of her extended family, before her own needs to rest, recover, have privacy and enjoy her own baby as she sees fit.

The idea that anyone is completely desperate to see or hold a baby that is not their own, hours after it has come out of its mother is seriously weird. Any reasonable person would respect the parents’ wishes and be mindful that they could have gone through an exhausting and traumatising few days.

My guess is that most in-laws, if they live locally, just want a quick peek at the baby. Newborns are so amazing. There is, as usual, a sensible middle ground between banning everyone from seeing the baby and full on hosting.

It's the same with how new mums generally feel after giving birth. Mumsnet posters seem to think women are either ready to go out clubbing the day after having a baby or that they are near death and hanging on to life by a thread when in real life 'most' women feel a bit shite and tired but not too bad.

I'm wondering how the 'baby bubble works with baby number 2 and more. Or is it just a PFB thing.

If you've another kid does the whole household have to stay home in the precious 'baby bubble'

Baby bubble (although we definitely didn't call it that at the time) for baby number two was much like baby number one. I'd had a C-section with number two, and a post-partum haemorrhage again. DH still took first DC to nursery, and to baby groups or events.

It felt even more vital if I'm honest for us to have that settling in time, so not only could I rest and recover after the birth, but so that first DC could enjoy having a new baby at home without the bombardment of visitors first too.

Can't claim to know about 'most' women but lots have c sections and birth injuries. Lots. So they should be allowed to recover as they see fit. Childbirth can be traumatic for all sorts of reasons, there's no reason mum should be on show until she's ready. People can wait.

Completely agree. Each to their own and if you’re feeling well and looking forward to visitors have them at your hospital bed or as soon as you get home but depends on how Mum is feeling!

My dad came to visit the day after I got home from hospital and although I didn’t know it I was still very ill and would be readmitted a couple of days later. He took one look at me, sent me for a shower while DP held the baby, remade bed then told us all to go back to bed with DS. That kind of visit was exactly what we needed (help as new parents) not grandparents desperate to cuddle baby. He got plenty of grandad time when we were a little better. I hope when I have grandchildren, I remember to ask “what do YOU need,” not “I want”.

(Also for every lovely cuddly newborn there is also a 3 day old screaming bloody murder as they have realised they aren’t cosy inside mum anymore and are either crying or cluster feeding for hours on end)

People who throw a tantrum because they feel entitled to a "cuddle" are not there for support unfortunately, it's all about them and their right to brag they were among the first to see the baby. They obviously don't care about supporting the mother and her needs.

All the posters mocking the "bubble", in competition with the other grandparents to be there first, are exactly the reason why women need to put boundaries and see visitors when they are ready, however long it takes.

The support network is always welcome, the overbearing visitors are not.

By 11am, my parents and 2yr old niece were at the hospital and they stayed all day. Then at teatime, my sister, Nan, brother, sister-in-law and 13yo niece turned up for a couple of hours.

I sincerely hope you had a private room!

Have you put the same restrictions on the other side?

I agree, mums benefit from a good support network but people that ride roughshod over your boundaries don't tend to be the ones that support you do they?

As for the kids, the best grandparents and extended family members are those who spend time with you whilst also having their own lives and interests. They can really enrich the child's life. I've never been convinced the more needy ones "I have to make an appointment to see my own grandchild" or who expect very frequent contact to mums detriment are going to fill that role.

I think perhaps this is the key. I was born by C-section in the 1980s and I think my mum stayed in about a week. She had quite a few visits from family and friends during that time. But they would have been short visits, during visiting hours, while she stayed in bed.

These days most women in the UK go home the day they give birth or the day after, which means that people visiting in the first few days will be coming to their house and much more likely to stay for hours on end and expect to be hosted by the new mother.

I gave birth abroad and the first time I stayed in for four days. No visitors other than my husband were even allowed. Even when we went home, Covid travel restrictions were still in place so quite a few family including my parents had to wait a really long time to meet our baby. My in laws met him the day we came home but they live locally and only stayed half an hour with him in the living room while I had a nap. I was never expected to host them in any way.

The second time I had a very smooth birth experience and was feeling great. I was dying to get home because I missed my other child, but I still had to stay in for 48 hours which is the minimum here. I was in a private room (also quite standard here) and it was peaceful and relaxing. By the time I got home on day 3 I was more than ready for visits.

The OP has invited his parents to meet the new baby on day 3, and they'll be the first visitors, and they're still sulking. They need to wind their necks in! A 3 day old baby looks exactly the same as a 1 day old baby.

I think you're right about the hospital stay times being key.

The first time my mum met my own children, they were quick, brief visits, mostly to check on me whilst meeting the new baby. We saw the in-laws the same day. I mentioned in an earlier post that is had a large post-partum haemorrhage and tear. I was expected to go to in-laws, where extended family were waiting. My baby was passed around. I had to battle to get baby back when baby needed feeding, and trek from room to room to find somewhere quiet to breastfeed. FIL wouldn't have been happy for me to breastfeed openly. This was day six, so newborn was still cluster feeding - and I still hadn't recovered from my tear or haemorrhage. If I could have extended that newborn bubble for longer, I would have and should have. Grateful that the midwives advised that bubble in the first place.

At least they want to meet your little one, we have family on both sides who haven't even met DD and she's nearly 2 now, but it's their loss!

GM here. My first GC was born and while happy for the parents I was also happy to wait until invited to see the child. It happened fairly soon - a day - but I would have waited longer. I have ages to see the child since I don't live too far away, but it's entirely up to the parents and it doesn't bother me one iota. I'd say it's clearly different for everyone, but I don't know why people are so keen to see babies the moment they're born.

I personally would never stop grandparents visiting straight away. They are so keen to meet their new off spring. I would respect though if told I had to wait x amount of time

The right amount of time depends on when the new mom wants to have visitors- she’s the one recovering while figuring out breastfeeding etc. the dad’s opinion matters too but to a much lesser extend.

It’s not their offspring. They had theirs and made the decisions they wanted at the time. This time round they have to respect their child/ child’s family decision

I had what would now be described as a 'traumatic' birth. I was in hospital for 5 days afterwards.
I was delighted to see anyone who visited me - either in hospital or at home.
I found having dc1 overwhelming and was thrilled to be reminded that I had a strong support network and so many people there to love this new little being.
I was never 'on show'. I was in a hospital bed with a drip, not on a stage somewhere. People came because they loved me and wanted to support me.
Don't assume people want to be on their own because of a difficult birth - if was quite the opposite in my case. Once home, I needed people popping in for some time too, don't assume I only wanted visitors because I was in hospital.

I’ve personally never understood this baby bubble for x days teens, especially when most babies are born in a hospital so they’ve probably met medical staff going into double figures by the time they are 24 hours old! In so many cases it does seem to be a bit of power play by the parents rather than anything else. I think a quick 10 minute visit as soon as everyone has recovered is perfectly fine!

That said 3 days is not too bad (I heard someone suggest 2 weeks 😳) and in your case there were good reasons- all I would say is that unless your parents are batshit it’s good for the child and for you both (hello babysitting) to have an active relationship with their wider family, the foundations of which are laid now, so don’t over enforce boundaries if you don’t need to.

I had a traumatic first pregnancy and was in hospital for nearly a week. I didn't want to see anyone apart from DH but my PIL kept turning up at the hospital.

For the second pregnancy, I was in and out and one day so definitely welcomed visitors! My PIL saw the baby on day 1, my mum on day 2 and my brother and his wife on day 3. I was happy to have visitors then as I was feeling well.

They are excited to have a grandchild - that is allowed!

Unless you have a difficult relationship with them and feel they will be overbearing, a quick peep and receiving their congratulations seems in order.

If there are good reasons why you do not want them near the baby, then that is entirely different.

My parents did not see my babies for a few weeks - they lived 150 miles away. And my PIL saw them after even longer - but that was their choice.

I saw all my GC very soon after birth - indeed was there at the birth of one of them. This is what my DDs wanted, so I followed their lead. It was a mutual joy.

I think there is no need for this baby bubble, unless you do not get on with the grandparents. Babies are born into families - that is the context of all our lives. I would cut them a bit of slack.

Still their relative who they are keen to meet. Of course they should respect it but you can’t stop them feeling hurt and offended when most grandparents are straight to the delivery room (in the real world, not mumsnet world)