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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slept with a friend. Now I've got the massive ick. Help!

275 replies

cherylbarket · 15/03/2024 06:26

Slept with my long-time male best friend.

Got the ick massively after sex.

Now he's messaging me incessantly, even after I told him I was too busy to chat (which is true). He's always been needy but I've been able to brush it off.

Now every time he texts me (about 1000 times a day whether I reply or not)....I basically want to hurl my phone into the sea.

Wth do I do??? If he was just a random person I'd be able to tell him I was no longer interested, but this guy is (was???) my friend and I know my coldness is hurtful.

OP posts:
Overtheatlantic · 15/03/2024 07:33

Did you ever have any inkling that he wanted more than friendship? I agree with those who say there’s no going back from this. I feel sorry for him.

ChaToilLeam · 15/03/2024 07:35

You’ll have to tell him. That there won’t be a round 2, and while you want to remain friends; the constant messaging is too much.

But honestly, I think the friendship is dead now. He’s needy and clingy and wants more, and you are completely turned off by him. How did it come about anyway?

OfficerChurlish · 15/03/2024 07:38

Do the two of you have firm plans for when you'll next see each other face to face? If not, get that in place as soon as possible and tell him you're absolutely swamped with a work deadline and barely have time to sleep; you're fine but you won't be responding to non-emergency texts until (whatever date you're meeting). And then DON'T respond to texts.

Based on your follow-up, especially the "heard this song..." part, it does sound like he probably thinks that the two of you have entered into some kind of mutually attractive romantic relationship and if so you have to nip that in the bud ASAP. I'd be really hesitant to say too much over text. If it'll be a while until you can see him, it may need a phone call.

Don't feel guilty about being annoyed - you feel how you feel - but also don't necessarily blame him since the post-sex air hasn't been adequately cleared by either of you. I suspect you haven't been as honest as you should have about needing more space even in the friendship (before sex entered the picture), so learn the lesson and be crystal clear now. Personally I would not tell him you've "got the ick", just say the sex was a mistake and you're feeling really awkward with him since it happened and you'd 'd like to try to restore the platonic friendship. (And if you really do want to end that too, you can - don't stay "friends" out of obligation or guilt.)

Hairspray123 · 15/03/2024 07:44

It spunds based on what you have said that he has probably liked you for quite some time and for him was a strong factor for the friendship. If that is the case it isnt fair to stay close friends with him. Even if you tell him that it will never happen again if he likes you a lot and has done for some time he will still take your friendship as potential for something more.

Firstly you need time and space to think and get your head straight. You need to tell him this, be kind but importantly be firm. Make sure he is clear and that you need space. Tell him how you feel and that you do value his friendship but after being intimate you just cant see a way through it. State that how you feel at the moment you are not looking to continue to have a physical relationship and you need time to process.

If you doesnt then leave you alone you may have to be firmer and just say you are not ready for contact.

You will have to be prepared that your friendship is probably over but unless he feel the exact same as you you are going to need a lot of time and space.

JacquesHarlow · 15/03/2024 07:48

Firstly, imagine if the sexes were reversed.

What advice would the denizens of Mumsnet be giving then?

Secondly, @cherylbarket can you actually explain what in particular gave you “the ick” in your words?

What was it? The sex itself - was he selfish? Did you fail to connect after the initial lust? Was there alcohol involved, and then on becoming sober you are feeling awful about the concept of the act with a friend?

Until we understand this, how on earth can anyone give any good advice other than “you deserve your space and to ignore his incessant messaging”.

EarringsandLipstick · 15/03/2024 07:54

I think you sound pretty mean OP.

So, you slept together. Predictably, that's ruined the friendship. He wants more, and seems unable (or doesn't want to) read the signals. You find this claustrophobic & want nothing to do with him.

Neither of you are unreasonable but this was always a possibility when you moved from friends to something else.

There's nothing else to do - you need to meet him in person, explain you aren't interested and that it's not a good idea to be in touch.

GoodnightAdeline · 15/03/2024 07:58

Nothing for it but to send him a text saying you have no romantic feelings for him but as he does, you think it best to stay out of touch for now and wish him well.

I have to agree you sound a little teenager-ish so I expect you won’t take this advice, will enable a bit more chasing on his part and string out the drama because ‘he’s my frieeeeeeend’ but you might prove me wrong!

Spinet · 15/03/2024 07:58

Poor man. He's in love with you and you slept with him. He can't be blamed for thinking there's something romantic between you. You don't have to have a relationship with him obviously not you don't have to be contemptuous of him either.

You need to be very clear and you also need to accept that maybe you can't have a friendship with him unless you want to be cruel.

Palmtreechacha · 15/03/2024 08:02

There's nothing else to do - you need to meet him in person, explain you aren't interested and that it's not a good idea to be in touch

Agree with this. You will probably have to end the friendship, or he will. Unfortunately this is why it's never a good idea to sleep with your friends unless you are 100% sure you want more, it can absolutely ruin the friendship.

BobbyBiscuits · 15/03/2024 08:09

I'd say 'i feel bad we slept together and I really don't want it to spoil our friendship. So let's just forget about it and move on. It was a mistake so I don't want you to think Im into you romantically.'

If he never speaks to you again then you'll know he only wanted sex or a relationship all along rather than platonic.

Original poster
cherylbarket · 15/03/2024 08:12

OfficerChurlish · 15/03/2024 07:38

Do the two of you have firm plans for when you'll next see each other face to face? If not, get that in place as soon as possible and tell him you're absolutely swamped with a work deadline and barely have time to sleep; you're fine but you won't be responding to non-emergency texts until (whatever date you're meeting). And then DON'T respond to texts.

Based on your follow-up, especially the "heard this song..." part, it does sound like he probably thinks that the two of you have entered into some kind of mutually attractive romantic relationship and if so you have to nip that in the bud ASAP. I'd be really hesitant to say too much over text. If it'll be a while until you can see him, it may need a phone call.

Don't feel guilty about being annoyed - you feel how you feel - but also don't necessarily blame him since the post-sex air hasn't been adequately cleared by either of you. I suspect you haven't been as honest as you should have about needing more space even in the friendship (before sex entered the picture), so learn the lesson and be crystal clear now. Personally I would not tell him you've "got the ick", just say the sex was a mistake and you're feeling really awkward with him since it happened and you'd 'd like to try to restore the platonic friendship. (And if you really do want to end that too, you can - don't stay "friends" out of obligation or guilt.)

On the contrary, I've told him perhaps 6 or 7 times over the course of our friendship that I find the fact he chases me up very very stressful.

He tends to text to say hi and then, if no reply after 30 mins or so, will send another text "Cheryl? Are you there?"

For some reason though, it stopped bothering me as much for the last couple of years, but the sex reignited the irritation levels for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
cherylbarket · 15/03/2024 08:13

Spinet · 15/03/2024 07:58

Poor man. He's in love with you and you slept with him. He can't be blamed for thinking there's something romantic between you. You don't have to have a relationship with him obviously not you don't have to be contemptuous of him either.

You need to be very clear and you also need to accept that maybe you can't have a friendship with him unless you want to be cruel.

Even if I had reciprocating feelings for him (I don't....), the boundary crossing would still drive me bonkers.

OP posts:
Original poster
cherylbarket · 15/03/2024 08:15

JacquesHarlow · 15/03/2024 07:48

Firstly, imagine if the sexes were reversed.

What advice would the denizens of Mumsnet be giving then?

Secondly, @cherylbarket can you actually explain what in particular gave you “the ick” in your words?

What was it? The sex itself - was he selfish? Did you fail to connect after the initial lust? Was there alcohol involved, and then on becoming sober you are feeling awful about the concept of the act with a friend?

Until we understand this, how on earth can anyone give any good advice other than “you deserve your space and to ignore his incessant messaging”.

I would think if the roles were reversed, MN would tell the woman in question to respect the man's boundaries and not chase him up if he says he's busy at work?

The ick came from his physical manner during sex and the fact he TOLD me (not asked!) over and over again (in person and via text) how much I enjoyed it.

OP posts:
ChampagneGold · 15/03/2024 08:15

It sounds like he's fallen hard for you!

You need to be very firm now and tell him that you regret sleeping with him as it has now ruined your friendship (which it has) and that he needs to back off as the constant messaging is upsetting you. You feel like he wants more and you definitely don't.

There really is no coming back from this. You just need to move on completely. He sounded annoying before you had sex with him tbh so is the friendship such a great loss after all?

moonfacer · 15/03/2024 08:20

cherylbarket · 15/03/2024 06:40

Just to clarify. It's not even so much that I'm worried about whether he expects there to be a round 2.

It's more that I feel massively guilty that the "ick" I got after sex has changed my tolerance levels for his neediness so much.

I am finding it unbearable whereas before it was just a slightly annoying feature of our friendship.

But it’s a good think your tolerance has dived! Replace neediness with entitlement. He feels entitled to your time and attention and that should make you angry not guilty!

Text him and get it out of the way:

Hi Ned, I feel we made a mistake changing our friendship into a sexual encounter. I don’t want to be more than friends and we need some time apart to let things settle so we can go back to just being friends.

Please don’t message anymore, it’s not helping right now.

Thanks. Cheryl.

Spinet · 15/03/2024 08:30

cherylbarket · 15/03/2024 08:13

Even if I had reciprocating feelings for him (I don't....), the boundary crossing would still drive me bonkers.

Show quote history

To clarify, I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to feel like that. But you need to be very clear with him because he obviously loves you. Shagging him and then talking about how clingy he is afterwards is cruel, and not behaving much like a friend either.

Naunet · 15/03/2024 08:31

MyFirstLittlePony · 15/03/2024 07:15

Aw poor guy

be kinder to be straight with him

i guess you are still fairly young (20s)? As clearly this friendship in his eyes always was partly a crush for him too

Just tell him

Poor guy my arse! He’s a grown adult man and he’s harassing OP Ffs. This level of texting is not normal.

silentassassin · 15/03/2024 08:31

The ick came from his physical manner during sex and the fact he TOLD me (not asked!) over and over again (in person and via text) how much I enjoyed it

Ok, this is sounding more and more odd and I think you need to cut this person off completely after your updates. You've already told him to stop messaging you and he still does it. Thats out of order and really intrusive and wrong, not to mention he isnt respecting the word no.

Are you sure you even want to still be friends with him? his behaviour is out of line and really crossing a boundary here. Thats a red flag for both a romantic relationship AND a platonic friendship

notthatkindofFatCat · 15/03/2024 08:33

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 15/03/2024 06:58

He’s not your friend. He’s a man who has a crush on you and is desperate for some of your attention. Now you’ve slept with him things have pivoted. Listen to your instincts.

I do think men and women can be friends without sex. But he just wants a relationship with you.

This.

candycane222 · 15/03/2024 08:35

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 15/03/2024 06:58

He’s not your friend. He’s a man who has a crush on you and is desperate for some of your attention. Now you’ve slept with him things have pivoted. Listen to your instincts.

I do think men and women can be friends without sex. But he just wants a relationship with you.

Was just going to post exactly this. Sadly he now thinks you have agreed to what he's been wanting for ages - to be the love of his life.

Unfortunate but I fear this friendship is over, if indeed that is what it was. But that's not your fault. It was doomed anyway,, as it does sound as though hes been holding a candle for you for a while, unbeknownst to you.

Naunet · 15/03/2024 08:35

Spinet · 15/03/2024 08:30

To clarify, I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to feel like that. But you need to be very clear with him because he obviously loves you. Shagging him and then talking about how clingy he is afterwards is cruel, and not behaving much like a friend either.

Show quote history

Well then he shouldn’t be so fucking clingy! He’s a grown adult man behaving completely inappropriately, OP isn’t cruel to be aware of that and vocalise it.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 15/03/2024 08:36

From bitter experience I slept with my best platonic male friend of 7 years and had a 3 month relationship with him, the friendship was over after that. He kept on pushing for me to sleep with and though there was an attraction on my side at one point but the time something happened I felt we were more like brother and sister so it felt icky.

This friendship is definitely over though OP.

LittleGreenDragons · 15/03/2024 08:37

The ick came from his physical manner during sex and the fact he TOLD me (not asked!) over and over again (in person and via text) how much I enjoyed it.
😳

You do realise this man doesn't respect your boundaries in any way, he doesn't respect you as a person, or even see you as a person in their own right. You are his possession. He tells you to jump and you ask how high. You need to accept your friendship is over (and yes, he did have a massive crush on you).

Tell him that as he repeatedly doesn't listen to you, you feel you have no option but to ask him to leave you alone, permanently. Let's hope he listens to that particular message otherwise he will fall into stalker territory. Then work on why your boundaries were so low even with a friendship.

Spinet · 15/03/2024 08:38

Naunet · 15/03/2024 08:35

Well then he shouldn’t be so fucking clingy! He’s a grown adult man behaving completely inappropriately, OP isn’t cruel to be aware of that and vocalise it.

Show quote history

It is cruel if she continues to pretend they can be friends on any equal footing.

PoochiesPinkEars · 15/03/2024 08:41

Bit the reason you're not being space from him is because he doesn't know where he stands and thinks there is a spark.
The longer this goes on the less space you'll have and the more awkward it will be!!!

Just message/call him and say you want to respect him and be honest, and you don't feel that moving your relationship into a romantic one is the right thing and he deserves to know. Your hope that once feelings have calmed you can return to a nice friendship. Out of consideration for the fact that this could take a bit of working through you will give him some grace and space for a while.