Slept with a friend. Now I've got the massive ick. Help!

[cherylbarket]

Slept with my long-time male best friend.

Got the ick massively after sex.

Now he's messaging me incessantly, even after I told him I was too busy to chat (which is true). He's always been needy but I've been able to brush it off.

Now every time he texts me (about 1000 times a day whether I reply or not)....I basically want to hurl my phone into the sea.

Wth do I do??? If he was just a random person I'd be able to tell him I was no longer interested, but this guy is (was???) my friend and I know my coldness is hurtful.

The friendship is 100% over, so you might as well deal with this right now. He needs the cold, hard facts because he's verging on stalking/harassing you.

For a start, I’d guess he now thinks you’re in a romantic relationship and the kind thing to do would be to let him know it didn’t feel right and that you are just still friends.

Anyone who messages incessantly after you've told them you're busy and can't reply is manipulative and selfish. It's not you, it's him.

It doesn't seem like he was ever interested in a friendship, was just hoping to develop it into a relationship. Otherwise he too would need some time to figure out how he feels and respect your need for space. He's been waiting for this moment for years and that's why he's already at 'bf gf' mode when you're still processing.

Friendship is over and that's a good thing. I had a 'friend' like this once - in hindsight he had been angling for a hook up for all the time we'd known each other. And also got needy. The ick you're feeling is realising the friendship was a lie, and he's just a needy man who will never give you space because he doesn't want to risk you changing your mind (by thinking too much about it).

You think a man constantly harassing a woman with texts shows he loves her?

You are red flag central. Get some boundaries, stat.

The whole reason she posted is because she wants to know how to put a stop to it, not because she wants to lead him on for her own amusement.

OP, I think you’re going to have to be really blunt with him and if he still doesn’t back off, block him for a bit.

It’s not cruel chatting to people on the internet about this. And it’s not cruel being friends with a man who has a crush on you either. It will be hard but you will have to be very clear with him that this was a mistake and take it from there.
everyone makes mistakes and the OP is certainly not the first person who has slept with someone and immediately regretted it. He sounds super annoying and clingy tbh.

He kept telling you that you were enjoying it ?? Ugh.

@cherylbarket

when you say it was his “physical manners” during sex that give you the ick…what do you mean??

Eeeew I missed the bit where he keeps telling you how much you enjoyed the sex 🤯🤢. This man is utterly disrespectful and NOT your friend. You need to make that crystal clear, but I fear he might turn very nasty as he has a totally fabricated idea in his head that I fear he won't let go of easily, simply by being told your reality doesn't match. Please be careful, I think this is how stalkers may start off.

This⬆️

@Spinet

this! Up your standards girl! This guy sounds like a pest

You don't really need to babysit this guy's feelings. It happens. It's fine to have a moment with a friend and then not want it to go any further. It's fine for feelings to change. It sounds like his neediness is really offputting, and it's okay for you to be responding emotionally to that level of pressure he's putting you under.

I would just send a message saying 'hi, I wanted to let you know that the other day was nice but I don't want it to change our friendship. I'm doing fine, hope you are too. I might be off grid for a bit as I have a few things coming up but I'll be in touch when things quieten down. Take care'

or something. Basically saying that was a one off, and now I'm going to be unavailable for a while. Then if he keeps messaging relentlessly feel free to mute and archive him for a while. Then in a few weeks or whatever if you do think you can salvage the friendship, you can reach out and see how it goes. But his neediness and incessant contact seems like it's going to ruin the friendship regardless, and that's on him, not you.

Get the fucker told.

Listen Keith, just because we shagged doesn't give you free reign to bombard me with messages all day fucking long. I've told you I'm busy, no hard feelings but you're stressing me out now.

Also, be honest with yourself OP... do you want to be friends with him? Does he add value to your life? Do you feel happy when you think about him, or the idea of seeing or speaking to him? Or does it feel like an obligation because you're worried how he'll feel or respond if the friendship ends?

I don't honestly get the feeling this is a genuine friendship, more mates but he annoys you and you can't seem to find a balance where you're both happy with the level of contact.

If you imagine him no longer being in your life, how do you feel? Is it a great, big sigh of relief?

You don't owe anyone your time or your friendship. That doesn't change simply because you've slept together.

Sounds like he's been infatuated with you for a long time and you've just shown him that its working and you can be his.

What on earth made you sleep with him? It doesn't sound like you're the least bit attracted to him.

How often do you see him? Can you just block him? He's gonna be hurt no matter what you do becuase, in his mind, you've strung him along all this time

There is no need to agonise over this.

Tell him exactly what you want and don’t want and, if he can’t respect your wishes, end the friendship and block him.

Something like:

’The other night was lovely but I don’t want a repeat, although I value your friendship. Please don’t be too intense though and message all the time as it will ruin what we have and we won’t be able to still be friends’.

Was he all like “You’re loving this, aren’t you? You love it when I do this don’t you? Yeah baby you can’t get enough…” 🤮🤮🤮

Yep...

He never sounded like a friend in the first place tbh. What's done is done, but I think this is a good opportunity for you to examine what behaviour you tolerate in your relationships with others, and why.

And brace yourself for a fallout with this man; the way you've described him makes me think he won't take no for an answer.

I think that if you love your best friend and they sleep with you it is not unreasonable to think they love you too. So she needs to end the friendship because clearly she doesn't. Which - again - she doesn't have to.

He's not respecting her boundaries because she's not communicating her boundaries. They cannot be friends.

I have the ick now too.

Well he’s only got himself to blame

If he communicates better by text I would send a long text (make sure it’s all there) explaining that you don’t want to hurt his feelings or ruin your relationship but that you are finding his behaviour stifling and that sleeping with him was a mistake. Tell him that you need to be honest with him because his constant messages are pushing you away.
Then turn off your phone/put him on mute or whatever for a week or so.

@Spinet I stated my boundaries about 5 times over the last few days. He just ignored them.

You would have helped yourself massively if you’d indicated in your original post this was the reason you rejected him.

instead we get childish words like “the ick” making you sound a bit finicky

You probably need to learn a bit more about how to communicate. In here, and to him.