Slept with a friend. Now I've got the massive ick. Help!

[cherylbarket]

Slept with my long-time male best friend.

Got the ick massively after sex.

Now he's messaging me incessantly, even after I told him I was too busy to chat (which is true). He's always been needy but I've been able to brush it off.

Now every time he texts me (about 1000 times a day whether I reply or not)....I basically want to hurl my phone into the sea.

Wth do I do??? If he was just a random person I'd be able to tell him I was no longer interested, but this guy is (was???) my friend and I know my coldness is hurtful.

It can be really hard to say no as in my case, we were drunk and I was talked into it. I knew when we were having sex it was a mistake, it felt like having sex with a brother, but of course he loved it.

It’s not just about consenting or saying no. I’ve slept with more than one friend; we knew the score, and we are still friends. I was very single, wanted sex and l wanted someone l could trust. I would do the same again. They were gentle, responsive and caring.

So called friends who betray that trust, are not true friends.

There isn't really another angle to a man repeatedly telling a woman what she likes in bed instead of asking her

Stop dragging another woman's bar down into the ground, this is a perfectly reasonable reason not to continue with a man and doesn't need a devil's advocate position or another angle examining on it

Women aren't here to put aside their feelings to make men happier

What’s the point in being nasty? It’s not really an ‘adult’ way to act, is it?

Gosh you've got yourself in a pickle there! Only thing you can so is just be straight - say it was a moment of madness, was fun at the time but was never meant to be anything/start of anything serious. Think you have to accept it might be the end of your friendship depending how he is but, bar throwing your phone into the sea, I can't see a way out of this 😶

I’m genuinely shocked that people expected the OP to outline in her OP exactly what happened during sex, to give her the ick…. 😳

Totally not necessary. All that was needed was to say she had ‘the ick’.

I’m on the other side of the planet from most of you, and I know what it means. It’s something that happens that kills any, ah, shall we say, ‘romantic’ feelings stone-cold dead.

It was the actual title of a Friends episode from thirty years ago! It’s a well-established phrase.

Anyway, it now looks as if there is more to this ‘friendship’ than meets the eye, so…..

You don’t have to be cruel, you don’t even have to say it was a mistake. Just tell him you had a good night but you don’t want to get romantically involved with him. Tell him you see him as a good friend and hope that can continue.

I’m genuinely shocked that people expected the OP to outline in her OP exactly what happened during sex, to give her the ick

I'm 'genuinely shocked' (no, I'm not really) that you weren't able to read properly, where she was not being asked to provide any prurient details but to describe the issue more clearly.

'The ick' isn't appropriate here, as this guy has been intrusive & harassing - that's not what 'the ick' typically means. Hence the initial replies OP got.

Im so sorry but this is going to sound a bit weird, but what you need to do is ' cold shoulder ' him .
Why should YOU spare his feelings????? He probably had the best three minutes of his life and was probably ' friends' living in hope one day you will give in. You probably feel objectified.
Now comes the weird bit: Dont give responses to messages, rather ( to make life interesting - and not annoying). Buy some graph paper and set about making a GRAPH on how many messages you get from him. This takes away the focus on the emotions of the situation. Try it. But dont respond to him.

You're right. The graph part is totally weird.

Now comes the weird bit: Dont give responses to messages, rather ( to make life interesting - and not annoying). Buy some graph paper and set about making a GRAPH on how many messages you get from him. This takes away the focus on the emotions of the situation. Try it. But dont respond to him.

seriously

You need to sit with him and tell him how you feel or he won't ever understand...

I have a male best friend nearly (12 years of friendship) we casually slept together around 3 months after meeting and I must admit I enjoyed it but it did cause complications in our friendship. Fast forward 12 years we occasionally meet up for a bit of fun but then it's weird afterwards and we don't usually speak for a few weeks but then it's back to normal chat flirting and banter.

Some friendships can mend after things like this but if you don't communicate how you feel then there's definitely no chance x

For god's sake, just block him. This "friendship" is dead, and needs to be buried. Needy, clingy bloke with a crush on you, and knowingly or not you fuelled it by giving him what he wanted. He's going to persist whatever his claims to the contrary. Cut him out of your life.

This sounds like we have the same friend!!

He must have felt like he'd won the lottery, convinced you'd be his forever and now he cant back down & admit it was him projecting😯
I cant help feeling sorry for the poor lamb, but it must be insufferable for you OP.

Well with hindsight it was a mistake due to the neediness in the first place, he obviously had issues as do you with boundaries.

If you wish to remain friends you outline that it will never happen again and it needs to go back to exactly what it was like before and never be mentioned. I reckon he always had a crush on you though and I reckon the friendship is over completely. You will then need to block him on everything and outline this and when you do this you need to send a message saying to never contact you in anyway ever again. This sounds like it has the potential to become a stalking case. He is obviously a bit of a weirdo but you have shown a level of naivety that is really for the very young and inexperienced.

How long have you been friends? And how did you end up sleeping together? I'm guessing drink involved. Have either of you had any other relationship since you've been friends? Intrigued as to how he reacted if you did have other relationship?
It's a tough one, generally once sex comes into the equation, no going back. I do feel that you are going to have to break it off, but also worry that he may not accept so easily looking at his behaviour already , was he a good friend or do you think it was really that he wanted a proper relationship all along. If he was a decent friend he would give you a bit of space and accept that you needed to remain just friends , Sooner you have this conversation though the better, All the best 🍀

Yikes. I'm sure I've missed updates further along in the thread but

For context, I had a busy day at work this week and after I told him I was too busy to text, he text me a further 9 times.

That's not being 'needy' - the guy is unhinged

Shut it down and add a 'best we don't talk/see each other for a while' for good measure and if he tramples over that boundary (which he will - unhinged) then block him telling him beforehand that you've been forced to do so because of his lack of respect for your boundaries and misogynistic behaviour (re the whole 'telling you you enjoyed it' watches too much porno shit). He needs the behaviour to consequences pipeline spelled out to him in letters 6 foot high, clearly.

You‘ve got no right to be so rude to me, get back in your box. I’m giving my opinion, I’m in no way telling anyone what to do. This is a place for people to give opinions, no one has to listen.

So you can give your opinion but I can get back in my box whatever that means?

I'm giving my opinion, you don't have to listen to me

I’m genuinely shocked that people expected the OP to outline in her OP exactly what happened during sex, to give her the ick…. 😳

I wouldn’t want those details, but I would be interested to know who initiated things, who first kissed who. I think that’s relevant. It must have felt right to OP at the time. If she initiated things he can’t really be blamed for thinking they are now a couple.

what’s his relationship history like?

When I had my experience with my best male friend I sort of knew there was an attraction there but in my case this had been when we first met at work and then about 2 years before we got together and he’d knocked me back. So I wondered why he’d suddenly changed his mind about me. He initiated our kiss and it was drunken.

why did you sleep your friend, was it that you felt lust for him, in that moment?

The way that he is now harassing you does not show that he loves you, it shows concerning behaviour. It is neither healthy or acceptable.

the friendship is clearly over and you should be very explicit about the distance you will take.

If you knew he was needy and you have had to brush him off and it was an “issue “ why would you sleep with him!