Page 5 | Slept with a friend. Now I've got the massive ick. Help!

blacksocks33 · 15/03/2024 09:40

I fed you're getting a lot of push back on this OP and I feel for you!
Sometimes things just don't work out do they!
I think that regardless of how you do it, his feelings are going to be hurt.
If I was facing rejection I'd just want it as soon as possible and text would b preferable!
Just rip the plaster off and text him, it's the kindest thing to do.

Hope you're ok!

Original poster

cherylbarket · 15/03/2024 09:40

KimberleyClark · 15/03/2024 09:18

So if he has always been a bit needy and demanding, what on earth possessed you to sleep with him?

I'm questioning myself on this too.

We were really in a phase of our friendship where I was enjoying it and he wasn't annoying me. That's all really.

OP posts:

Jamesblema · 15/03/2024 09:41

text him.

’I need a bit of space please. I don’t think us having sex was a good idea and it’s really changed our friendship for me.’

Be blunt and unapologetic- sounds like the only thing that would get through. If you want to keep the friendship then you could add that you’ll be in touch in a couple of weeks but honestly do you want to? He sounds awful

Catsmere · 15/03/2024 09:46

No advice, I'm just completely baffled that you had sex with a man who was already irritating you with his over-the-top clinginess. He sounds like a schoolboy. (Now there's an image to give "the ick".)

OneTC · 15/03/2024 09:48

Ignoring everything else that's wrong with this situation the only bit that needs immediate change is him messaging you. Be blunt or rude depending on what's needed. Tell him he's being a pest and to back the fuck up.

Depending how sad/desperate/patient/happy with crumbs he is he'll go back to being your friend regardless of how you put it across.

I would caution you though against maintaining this even as a friendship because it sounds horribly uneven and he's shown a bit much of himself here

Hairspray123 · 15/03/2024 09:49

@cherylbarket

I think after your further posts he does sound either really needy or a very controlling. Its difficult to tell from the information you have given.

Based on the info now I would think your only option is to cut ties. I cant see that you have any other choice. The fact you slept with him and now got the ick is irrelevant as he does sound quite posessive, stalker-ish even and you need to address that.

But you should not in any way be cruel about it, be an adult and do it properly but be clear, firm but kind either over the phone (not text) or face to face. People say face to face but if I was on the receiving end with not clue Id rather not be face to face especially in public.

Im not really sure why you are such good friends at a mature age based on what you have said tbh.

spearmintmilkshake · 15/03/2024 09:50

silentassassin · 15/03/2024 09:39

Fuck me, how helpful is this? Pick, pick, pick. It's not OP's problem if you don't understand standard MN slang, used elsewhere widely also

I disagree- having the ick is fine to use as a phrase but it implies that he's generally a very decent guy but that the OP just doesnt fancy him for some trivial reason and thats all there is to it. Her updates however, portray a very different situation- eg him not respecting her boundaries, him contacting her in an almost stalker fashion AFTER she's already told him not to. My opinion of him changed massively after her updates. I now think he is the unreasonable one, not the OP

A decent guy doesn't behave like a needy psycho stalker.

It's all here in the OP:

Now he's messaging me incessantly, even after I told him I was too busy to chat (which is true). He's always been needy but I've been able to brush it off.

Now every time he texts me (about 1000 times a day whether I reply or not)....I basically want to hurl my phone into the sea.

JacquesHarlow · 15/03/2024 09:52

silentassassin · 15/03/2024 09:39

Fuck me, how helpful is this? Pick, pick, pick. It's not OP's problem if you don't understand standard MN slang, used elsewhere widely also

I disagree- having the ick is fine to use as a phrase but it implies that he's generally a very decent guy but that the OP just doesnt fancy him for some trivial reason and thats all there is to it. Her updates however, portray a very different situation- eg him not respecting her boundaries, him contacting her in an almost stalker fashion AFTER she's already told him not to. My opinion of him changed massively after her updates. I now think he is the unreasonable one, not the OP

Exactly this @silentassassin - thank you for expressing this far better than I did.

”the ick” is so generic it could just mean “nah, don’t fancy that anymore”. It sounds trivial because it’s childish, despite many Mumsnetters claiming it is a universally understood word that has exactly the same meaning every time, every context.

since I asked the question and the OP shared, we now have posters who are actually able to contextualise why the OP’s friend is unreasonable

Yet I’m getting turned on for asking details “because you are nosey”… give me strength.

language fucking matters people.

Nannyfannybanny · 15/03/2024 09:54

Im not the only one who can't stand people saying "the ick" then. It says "love Island Terminology".

JacquesHarlow · 15/03/2024 09:55

No, it’s not all there in the OP @spearmintmilkshake .

the OP states the guy is calling loads and texting. If that’s all we need to know, and it’s as simple as “friend is now harassing”, then why have a thread? It would just be 100s of people saying “block him. Boundaries”.

the key information came later in the thread when it turns out the OP’s friend had a typically male assumption that the OP liked everything that happened, and talked it up to her both during and after.

this explains the “ick”, but it also stops people questioning whether the OP was being a bit fickle in ignoring her friend after what could have been just an awkward situation.

I think context matters, but fine - if it doesn’t, then let’s just have a thread of “oh yeah that’s awful you should totally block him”.

silentassassin · 15/03/2024 10:00

Now he's messaging me incessantly, even after I told him I was too busy to chat (which is true). He's always been needy but I've been able to brush it off.

Now every time he texts me (about 1000 times a day whether I reply or not)....I basically want to hurl my phone into the sea.

Of course he's acting like a weirdo but OP also describes him as being a good friend, wanting to be kind to him and that he's always been needy. Therefore, I am presuming she wouldnt have slept with him in the first place if he had been acting THAT weird all along. She has now told him to cut it out and he hasn't. That wasn't clear initially as it seems like she had not talked to him about it at all and therefore it was vague and unclear as to what had actually been said or not said. I know many dating couples who text each other all day long- I wouldnt do it personally but for some people it's their normal when dating. Therefore, on the basis of this info I agree- he is acting like a stalker and I think she should cut him out as it's concerning.

moonfacer · 15/03/2024 10:01

silentassassin · 15/03/2024 09:39

Fuck me, how helpful is this? Pick, pick, pick. It's not OP's problem if you don't understand standard MN slang, used elsewhere widely also

I disagree- having the ick is fine to use as a phrase but it implies that he's generally a very decent guy but that the OP just doesnt fancy him for some trivial reason and thats all there is to it. Her updates however, portray a very different situation- eg him not respecting her boundaries, him contacting her in an almost stalker fashion AFTER she's already told him not to. My opinion of him changed massively after her updates. I now think he is the unreasonable one, not the OP

No, 'the ick' does not imply he's a very decent guy.

If you don't understand the terminology, google it.

It was clear he was unreasonable from the OP, we didn't need the updates to confirm it.

spearmintmilkshake · 15/03/2024 10:01

No, it’s not all there in the OP @spearmintmilkshake .

It doesn't matter why she got the ick - everyone's ick is slightly or completely different. She said she got the ick, and you and others are quibbling over the meaning of the word. FFS.

Mumoftwo1312 · 15/03/2024 10:01

I'm on page 5 of this thread and no one seems to be calling a spade a spade - this guy was terrible in bed. That's it, that's the main thing. He sounds like he was selfish, clumsy, and unaware in bed and that's one of the main things that's put off op.

Someone upthread suggest op say to the man "last night was lovely but..."

Don't say that. It wasn't lovely. You didn't enjoy it.

Also, why are you wasting so much headspace trying to be nice to his feelings? He doesn't waste any headspace genuinely thinking of your feelings. He does whatever he likes.

silentassassin · 15/03/2024 10:03

No, 'the ick' does not imply he's a very decent guy

LOL bollocks- the ick doesnt = stalker. Ive seen many threads on here where people get the ick about his choice of footwear or the way he eats or certain phrases that people use. Its more often than not trivial stuff that people cannot get past.

If someone was genuinely feeling stalked or harassed they wouldn't use the term "ick". It would be far more serious than that

moonfacer · 15/03/2024 10:04

JacquesHarlow · 15/03/2024 09:52

Exactly this @silentassassin - thank you for expressing this far better than I did.

”the ick” is so generic it could just mean “nah, don’t fancy that anymore”. It sounds trivial because it’s childish, despite many Mumsnetters claiming it is a universally understood word that has exactly the same meaning every time, every context.

since I asked the question and the OP shared, we now have posters who are actually able to contextualise why the OP’s friend is unreasonable

Yet I’m getting turned on for asking details “because you are nosey”… give me strength.

language fucking matters people.

Show quote history

But she hasn't expressed it any better than you. If she thinks 'the ick' means he's otherwise a very decent guy then she has no clue what it means, just like you.

Language does matter and the problem here is you don't get it.

https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/the-ick-meaning

Why 'the ick' isn't a superficial phrase used by 'picky women', but is actually a way of protecting ourselves from men who can't handle rejection

We use 'the ick' to soften the blow; to blame it on a psychological phenomenon we have no control over.

https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/the-ick-meaning

VickyEadieofThigh · 15/03/2024 10:05

Mumoftwo1312 · 15/03/2024 10:01

I'm on page 5 of this thread and no one seems to be calling a spade a spade - this guy was terrible in bed. That's it, that's the main thing. He sounds like he was selfish, clumsy, and unaware in bed and that's one of the main things that's put off op.

Someone upthread suggest op say to the man "last night was lovely but..."

Don't say that. It wasn't lovely. You didn't enjoy it.

Also, why are you wasting so much headspace trying to be nice to his feelings? He doesn't waste any headspace genuinely thinking of your feelings. He does whatever he likes.

Absolutely agree. NEVER say "It was lovely" if it wasn't/you don't want to repeat it - because a lot of people just won't understand why, in that case, you don't want to repeat it.

Mumoftwo1312 · 15/03/2024 10:05

Someone else upthread used the old chestnut "what if the sexes were reversed". Firstly, the sexes are so asymmetrical in many ways particularly regarding sex and stalking danger, that this is usually a meaningless exercise. Secondly, I can't imagine any woman going at it during sex, declaring that the man is enjoying it, while he is not enjoying it. That doesn't really happen. It's mechanically unviable

moonfacer · 15/03/2024 10:07

silentassassin · 15/03/2024 10:03

No, 'the ick' does not imply he's a very decent guy

LOL bollocks- the ick doesnt = stalker. Ive seen many threads on here where people get the ick about his choice of footwear or the way he eats or certain phrases that people use. Its more often than not trivial stuff that people cannot get past.

If someone was genuinely feeling stalked or harassed they wouldn't use the term "ick". It would be far more serious than that

Edited

The ick is shorthand for any reason why a woman doesn't want to date a man.

It can be trivial, it can be sinister.

Seriously, read up on it and learn and stop expecting women to define exactly why they don't want to date a man.

Universalsnail · 15/03/2024 10:07

Just talk to him. You ignoring him is probably making him feel insecure which is why he is messaging so much. It's less harsh to just tell him how you feel then keep ignoring him.

Like I'd probably just be completely honest. That you didn't really enjoy the sex. That you now feel uncomfortable. He's texting you to much and your sorry but he needs to back off.

I can't see the friendship is salvageable. I'd let the friendship go.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/03/2024 10:11

and this is the end of that friendship.

waterrat · 15/03/2024 10:12

Op - you are allowed to have whatever boundaries you want!

I am surprised at some of the responses here.

I think he sounds also extremely selfish and thoughtless goign on about how much YOU loved it! gross!!! set some boundaries and do not feel bad!!

You do not owe this man anything other than a bit of polite honesty - If I was you I would send a message saying - look - Im feeling uncomfortable at this conversation, it was a one off, we are friends and I really want you to stop the countless messages.

then ignore him for a while.

waterrat · 15/03/2024 10:13

I would also not worry for now about this friendship - you can't tiptoe about feeling horrible just to salvage it. If it's worth saving it will come back in the long run - and maybe it won't.

SheepAndSword · 15/03/2024 10:13

Text him that the sex felt really wrong and it won't be happening again and you need some space

Mumoftwo1312 · 15/03/2024 10:19

waterrat · 15/03/2024 10:12

Op - you are allowed to have whatever boundaries you want!

I am surprised at some of the responses here.

I think he sounds also extremely selfish and thoughtless goign on about how much YOU loved it! gross!!! set some boundaries and do not feel bad!!

You do not owe this man anything other than a bit of polite honesty - If I was you I would send a message saying - look - Im feeling uncomfortable at this conversation, it was a one off, we are friends and I really want you to stop the countless messages.

then ignore him for a while.

Don't be surprised at the responses. Women are so conditioned not to offend men, not to be "harsh", even when they have very little consideration for our feelings (or sexual pleasure). This is partly through fear of the man blowing up and becoming aggressive.

I think this man deserves very little compassion from op. He certainly wastes no time worrying about what she needs or wants