Slept with a friend. Now I've got the massive ick. Help!

[cherylbarket]

Slept with my long-time male best friend.

Got the ick massively after sex.

Now he's messaging me incessantly, even after I told him I was too busy to chat (which is true). He's always been needy but I've been able to brush it off.

Now every time he texts me (about 1000 times a day whether I reply or not)....I basically want to hurl my phone into the sea.

Wth do I do??? If he was just a random person I'd be able to tell him I was no longer interested, but this guy is (was???) my friend and I know my coldness is hurtful.

Just tell him it was a once off and you'd like to remain friends, because you treasure his friendship more.

This is what's happening (and why I will talk to him later today).

I genuinely don't think he's a bad person. He's just really lacking in respect for my boundaries. He's otherwise actually a very kind and considerate person, which is how I ended up sleeping with him.

However, the neediness is a deal-breaker for me.

Perhaps you should have thought of his feelings before you slept with him? It’s not exactly rocket science that sleeping with a long term friend will change the dynamics and likely cause at least one party to end up hurt.

Even the Hallmark channel gets that…

I think sadly OP the friendship is over - sounds like he’s always carried a torch for you . Good luck in extricating yourself

I had a friend like this, without the sex part, and honestly I ended up having to cut off the friendship after he text me about 20 times when he knew I was in a funeral and was then trying to get me to leave the meal after the funeral to phone him about something unimportant

He didn't do it to men,but he'd cycled through multiple female friendships in this manner, there was an expectation that women would just give him time whenever he demanded it

I tried boundary setting but it wouldn't work and eventually I was just mentally exhausted from the level of contact he just kept demanding and had to drop the friendship

I think you just have to be straight with him. It won't be a comfortable conversation but if he's a friend whose feelings you care about, it's a conversation that needs to be had. I agree it sounds like he thinks the sex is going to turn into something more.

He's not your friend. He is into you and wants a proper relationship. You've shagged him and stoked that fire, all you can do now is let him down gently (but firmly) or let the friendship go. It'll drift anyway once he eventually gets the message that you'll never be his girlfriend. Do you even really want to be friends with him?

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Honestly, do you even want to continue a friendship with him? He's not a nice guy if he is ignoring what you say and telling you what you thought about sex with him. He is literally steamrolling over your boundaries and your feelings. There would be no coming back from this for me, nomatter the history or the length of your friendship.

I think you need to be honest with him.

"Hi Dave. I have asked for some space and told you I'm too busy right now to chat. Could you please respect that and stop ignoring what I've said? I'm sorry if I wasn't clear enough but I've felt that sleeping together was a mistake and it's not something that will happen again. Could you please be a friend and give me the space I've asked for."

@Mumoftwo1312 so true

@Nannyfannybanny

that’s your problem. Most of us knew exactly what op was meaning by it.

The guy is not your best friend. If he were, unless you have zero emotional intelligence, you'd have known enough about him to have guessed he had feelings, predicted this would happen, and cared enough about him not to have messed him around. He's basically just a guy you're friends with, slept with and don't want to sleep with again. Which is absolutely fine. Just tell him, and both move on. It may well mean he doesn't want to be friends with you, but that's for the best because you can't have a genuine friendship with someone who wants more from you. He will just be hanging around hoping you'll change your mind.

Not read many pps but perhaps you could tell him you were on a new medication/(drunk?) at the time that may have caused you to act irrationally. So you are very sorry but the event was an aberration and can he please forget it.

@BusyMummy001

nobody forced him to have sex with her 🤷‍♀️

and no one is obliged to have a relationship with someone just because they have sex one time

I'm going to assume you're quite young and therefore inexperienced with this sort of thing (given the word 'ick' being used) which is fine but I do think you need to try and be an adult about this. He clearly likes you a lot more than a friend and so you need to navigate this carefully but be direct so that he knows it won't go any further. You don't speak overly nice about him and it makes me wonder why you referred to him as your best friend?

@cherylbarket I would tell him that you think he is the kindest and most considerate person you know. While you love him as a friend the sex was a mistake. It made you realise that you will never be more than friends. And you view him more as a brother figure than lover. (Ouch)

Then NEVER have sex with him again.

If he’s irritating you that much then why not just tell him so, rather than allowing him to make any more of a fool of himself.

Just text … Sorry, that was a mistake last night to have sex and I really regret having spoilt our lovely friendship. Please just give me a bit of space and stop with all the texting, it’s a real irritation as I’m very busy for now. Thanks for that. See you as normal next week.

Urgh just tell him - STOP. Let’s be honest, the friendship is now ruined, so just tell him his neediness is shit, and he needs to stop. You were adults enough to have sex, now grow up and be adults enough to speak to each other, and you tell him to just stop. You don’t want anything else and that sex was just that - sex.

The ick came from his physical manner during sex and the fact he TOLD me (not asked!) over and over again (in person and via text) how much I enjoyed it.

WHAT a bloody drip feed! I'm fully with @JacquesHarlow on this one.

That's pretty revolting (though I really wonder what enticed OP to sleep with him at all, he sounded like he was never appealing) but was not covered by OP's initial post. For sure, we don't need specific details but this is far more than an 'ick' (which is as others said, a decent guy but with some mannerism or behaviour that one irrationally dislikes and cannot see past) - it's demeaning, harassing & lacking any respect for OP.

I can't understand why you (OP) didn't completely lose your shit at him the first time he said this - whether during or after sex, and why you'd even conceive of staying in touch with him, let alone worrying about his feelings.

Mad.

I stated my boundaries about 5 times over the last few days. He just ignored them.

He's ignored them. They aren't 'boundaries' if you don't enforce them. Make it clear that there is a consequence attached and follow through with it.

You need to stop being 'nice' to a guy who repeatedly oversteps your boundaries.

I can't work out why you want him in your life, it doesn't sound like much of a friendship. Do you feel sorry for him or are you keeping him around as a back up/ ego boost friend?

I think the neediness was your indicator that he wanted more. I have a couple of good male friends who I've been friends with for nearly 20 years. We're a mixed group and see each other every few months (partners/spouses always welcome), have a laugh then go about our lives with our families and kids and check on each other every so often via text. Even when we were all single we didn't hound each other via text.
You surely must've seen the signs.

Me too 😂

Oh, he's an avid porno watcher for sure, they always talk like that when they watch it frequently enough that they honestly think that this is how men should be talking to women during sex etc, urgh, vomit.

Just tell him to piss off.

@ChangeAgain2

he isn’t very kind and considerate though is he?

Or to look at it another way:

He made a decision to sleep with her. His decisions are not her responsibility. He should have thought about his feelings and the potential impact on their friendship.