Slept with a friend. Now I've got the massive ick. Help!

[cherylbarket]

Slept with my long-time male best friend.

Got the ick massively after sex.

Now he's messaging me incessantly, even after I told him I was too busy to chat (which is true). He's always been needy but I've been able to brush it off.

Now every time he texts me (about 1000 times a day whether I reply or not)....I basically want to hurl my phone into the sea.

Wth do I do??? If he was just a random person I'd be able to tell him I was no longer interested, but this guy is (was???) my friend and I know my coldness is hurtful.

Yes, go back in time and don't do it!

Sorry all. Busy few days.

On reflection I would say he probably talked me into sleeping with him. There was a lot of sweet talk. With the benefit of hindsight I'm very embarrassed to have fallen for it. A few people have since told me it's an age old tactic from male friends who are trying to sleep with you!

I have told him to back off entirely now and not to contact me.

You're so wrong for thus

Good, OP - make sure you block him, too. He has form for ignoring boundaries.

That was exactly what the man I was best friends with did, talked me into doing it but whilst I was drunk and at his place. Yes, I could’ve said no but as we were such good friends I felt I couldn’t. Would’ve been far easier and fairer if I’d been on the same page and not felt pressured.

Be blunt. Don’t leave any room for misunderstandings. Be kind, yes, but just tell him that you really value his friendship, but don’t see this as something you want to pursue.

I wrote yesterday's post in a hurry but, to expand, I told him that because he'd significantly ignored my boundaries after I'd told him many times not to, I really felt I couldn't be in contact with him at this time.

Unfortunately I woke up today to a text telling me to let him know when I'd stopped needing space and we could resume our friendship.

Sadly I know deep down that time probably won't come and I will likely need to communicate that at some point.

I some extent the sex part of this is a bit of a red herring because the neediness was always there, but for some reason it was the thing that made me realise how intrusive it was.

Why wait?

“You’ve done it again. I’m not doing this anymore. Our friendship is over. Don’t contact me again.”

@cherylbarket Unfortunately I woke up today to a text telling me to let him know when I'd stopped needing space and we could resume our friendship.

Man translator: "Hi, I'm really annoyed at the fact that I'm being put some boundaries and can't wait for you to lift them, please let me know when they will be lifted so I can go back to being my intrusive self".

This friend relationship doesn't have a leg to stand on in the future, he sounds too needy, intense or having a major crush on you, and yes you messed up by sleeping with said intrusive intense friend but we all have a moment of weakness when we might be horny/hormonal and it happens that the friend sitting next to us is feeling the same, been there done that. In my case my "friend" was not needy, was distracted by other women he was messing around with and he perfectly understood our friendship was more important than a "roll in the hay" so we remained friends. Your "friend" sounds too needy.

FFS, why haven't you blocked him? You have multiple, ongoing examples of him ignoring boundaries, what makes you think he would take any notice of this one? Don't keep giving him warnings, just cut him off NOW.

Agree.

I will have to. I just had another text from him saying he was just saying goodnight and hoped I was well and was thinking of me.

I do feel guilty though because they're innocuous messages and (now...) sporadic, when we used to text a ton every day and I didn't mind.

He hasn't changed his behaviour, my tolerance for it has just changed, which is why I feel so guilty.

You have zero cause for guilt! He knows you don't want him texting you, you've told him often enough. He's pushing boundaries quite deliberately.

Just because you used to enjoy messaging doesn't mean you consented to it forever more. You said stop, he refuses to stop. Remind you of other situations with men who won't take no for an answer?

Thank you. I really needed to hear (read...) this!

Just stop communicating with him, he used to be your girlfriend then the sex made you realise that he doesn"t have the traits of an attractive male so you are trying to process this slip up you have made while he just keeps taking the piss with his non-boundary behaviour, tell him to grow up or fuck off.

after I told him I was too busy to text, he text me a further 9 times

Don't feel guilty one bit. The above is really not OK.

Jesus, OP. He sounds mentally unwell.

Which is not your problem or responsibility, or a reason to feel guilty, or a reason to feel you need to flex your boundaries to the moon and back for him because of his bottomless emotional need.

But it does mean that being rational and reasonable and diplomatic isn’t going to work in the usual ways, and you can’t expect him to ‘get it’ and understand why what he’s doing is intrusive and oppressive rather than caring and lovely. You will need to block him.

Guilty? Why the hell should you feel guilty? You specifically told him NOT to text you and he’s still doing it. He’s obsessive and controlling and he doesn’t respect your boundaries - in fact, he never has. You’ve just put up with his awful clingy behaviour until now, but now he KNOWS you hate it and he doesn’t care because he’s a selfish prick who doesn’t respect you and considers himself entitled to your time. Get him out of your life. Stop being such a limp lettuce and cut him off. He’s a creepy little berk on every level.

No. He initiated everything. No drink involved at all. He talked me into it over the course of a couple of weeks.

I'm honestly not sure what I was thinking.

It must be so satisfying having sex with someone who has to be persuaded into it, over a matter of weeks.

Not.

Honestly - what is wrong with some men? I just don’t get it. Don’t they want to have sex with people who are really up for it, and genuinely want them….?

Conquest and orgasm. Not seeing women as anything other than recalcitrant recepticals.

And then they’re shocked when they get dumped … 🤷🏻‍♀️

Shocked and outraged!

Well he totally trampled over every single boundary you had until there were none. Then he further stamped his claim on you by repeatedly telling you that you enjoyed it. Now he refuses to stop texting you.

He's well on his way to being a rapist with his refusal to hear no, his self belief that he is awesome in bed and telling you, not asking, that you loved it. He's actually fucking scary.