To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

Any minute now the ‘what happens if their marriage fails’ brigade will be along to put you straight !!

Hence me stating the below:

Having to convince someone else to do what you'd like them to do with their body says a lot about those relationships.

They're already bigger issues at play if he doesn't feel for you.

Does it say a lot about those relationships or does it say a lot about men?

Is this how women get a “break” in 2024? A flipping GENERAL ANAESTHETIC?! 😂

That’s why the OP is upset in the first place. Given that you understand this much why are you not on her side?

It says a lot about those relationships. The man was chosen by the woman and vice versa. She chose to have kods with him.

A few have said their husbands volunteered without being asked.

So no, his reponse doesn't say a lot about men.
A relationship is between two people.
If she isn't happy I doubt that's the only or 'first red' flag.

Which is why I voted YANBU because her feelings are valid.

How he responded was Unreasonable.

What he does with his body is still up to him.

I'm not on anyone's side.

Feeling for OP doesn't take away his rights. Two different things.

Men and women do not have equal choices or freedoms. Why do men need "coercion" to make a selfless choice? A woman "choosing" him doesn't give him a green light to be a twat. It's a male pattern of behavior to absolve themselves of reproductive responsibility. Women are not responsible for improving male behavior.

Where have I said men need coercion?

If you marry a 'twat' then don't be surprised when you get twattish behaviour.

Again, she chose him.

Thats some nice victim blaming. Do you say the same when these men make babies and fuck off? How about violent men? Is domestic abuse also a woman's fault? All the same male patterns of behavior, symptoms of the same patriarchy.

Ha!

Refusing to have a vasectomy isn't abuse. Get a hold of yourself.

I didn't say it was abuse. I said it one of many male patterns of behavior that women have to tolerate.

But reproductive abuse is a very real thing.

Patterns in SOME men.

‘My sterilisation of course included a GA but in all honesty I enjoyed the break.’

Goodness. What kind of relationship do you have, that going into hospital to have a general anaesthetic was the way you managed to have a break? Why on earth does your husband not take an equal part in domestic life? What support do you have? That’s so sad to read.

Sorry to jump in. I've been on both sides of this.

My ex, dad to my older children ( 10 & 12) said no to a vasectomy, he said he would feel less of a man ( his choice, his opinion which was fine) but he was pushing me to be sterilised at 26! I couldn't have hormonal contraception so I opted for the copper coil which was horrendous for the few years I had it but I was too young to be sterilised. I did speak to my doctor because i was being coerced. And honestly I'm so glad the doctor said no. I thought I didn't want more children but actually I didn't want anymore with him. He was not a very nice partner.

We've both moved on and happy neither of us made those decisions.
I've been with my current partner for years and sadly we've had 4 miscarraiges and 2 ectopics In 2 years. I am currently 9 weeks ( praying all stays well). My partner surprisingly asked me how'd I feel if he were to have a vasectomy after we have a child. I said I was planning on being sterilised ( we'd spoke about this before). And that its his body and if he's sure then I'll support him but its fine if he changes his mind. He doesn't want to see me go through anything else which is very considerate. I feel very blessed.

We cannot push people into anything though. And im not saying " incase the relationship ends" its not about that. But I remember how sad, unheard and lonely I felt being pushed into making such a huge decision with my body. If my doctor didn't say no I don't know how things would have gone. I didnt resent him for not changing his body, I resented him for making me change mine, or trying to.

In situations like this there needs to be calm open discussions. Back and forth views. And ultimately a decision. If you are dead set that your mind is made up then I would speak to doctors and talk about other options with your body. I really hope you and your partner can calmly discuss all points and I hope you both feel heard and validated.

@Louise0808 ”In situations like this there needs to be calm open discussions. Back and forth views. And ultimately a decision.”

That’s exactly what OP was trying to do. The thread is about her upset that he refuses to discuss it. He cut the discussion off at the knees without even listening to her or offering any sense that he understands and wants to find a solution with her. It isn’t about pushing him into anything, though the thread has veered off that point a lot for a while now.

Why are you talking about anyone taking away his rights? There is no danger in this discussion, or in reality, of anyone taking away this man’s rights. The thread is about his reaction to her even bringing up the topic and immediately shutting it down without any show of regard for her or what she went through for their family, or how physically difficult a future procedure or pregnancy could be for her. It’s not about anyone taking a man’s rights away or forcing a vasectomy on him.

Because.....

the thread has veered off that point a lot for a while now.....

It was very difficult to keep up with so many comments, i do apologise.
I think I said at the end that she should discuss her options with a doctor.
If he point blank refuses to have a discussion about it then that is her only choice. In an ideal world our partners would converse back and forth and be open to discussions but sadly not all are like that. So it's her life and she is in control of her own body now. Even if her husband refuses to talk about it.

If you read my posts I said it was ME who didn't want him to have a vasectomy, he did offer. I'm as entitled to my feelings and opinions as those who think I must be some sort of handmaiden, or my DH must be selfish & inconsiderate. This is as far from reality as you could get and for the record I've no fear or issue with a GA so please don't find it sad. I'm grateful to have the most loving, considerate & attentive DH any woman could wish for.

@Seablue9 May I ask what your reasoning was behind this?

If a couple make a decision they're both happy with, what does it matter to anyone else what the reasoning was?

People frothing over a man's right to do as he chooses with his own body!!

All this my body my choice,
but if a man doesn't do as I ask with HIS body, then he's not a real man.

The irony!!

Name calling on anyone with opposing views says a lot about them and proves what kind of husbands they're married to.

Biggest laugh is the lists these men are given and told to read out loud to the wife so as to convince them to have a vasectomy.

Says a lot about the relationships and explains the anger on here.

OP's husband could have handled the conversation better, which is why people voted YANBU (to be flabbergasted by his reaction).......

OP has asked if she should give him time and try and see it from his point of view, which is another YANBU.

Conversation has taken a big turn since, which is different from the original post and still doesn't take away from the fact....

Regardless of what OP has been through, HE gets to decide what to do with/to his own body.
OP then has a right to do as she pleases with that decision.

Congratulations and good luck with the pregnancy.