To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

@SlumberDearMaid Agreed! Actually, in our case, it was my husband who was keener to have one that I was for him to! Ultimately deep down though I know it was the right decision.

No resentment from me. The question of DH having a vasectomy never arose. I’m infertile. We never used any contraception during the first 20 years of our married life pre menopause. In theory I suppose could have got pregnant very late, which I would not have wanted. But it was a theoretical possibility. Not worth my husband having a vasectomy just in case.

Well, of course not, if you’re infertile?

Unexplained. So In theory could have happened naturally just didn’t. I figured that having failed to get pregnant on fertility drugs in my early 30s and several failed IVFs, I didn’t any think preventative measures were necessary even though by 45 I was really past wanting a baby.

Right, but really different situation from the OP and others on here………

If a husband asked his wife to have her tubes tied, you would or be accusing him of being controlling and she should divorce him as it is her body.

@zombie0037 Well, to begin with, you can't compare vasectomy to female sterilisation from a risk/recovery/surgical involvement pov...

Come back to life @zombie0037 - how is that in any way comparable?

Hint - it’s not.

The husband wouldn’t be coming at that request having been the one to take on the ENTIRE contraceptive and reproductive load thus far.

🙄

Bless you! Hope you are recovered now

@ftp Aw thank you. Yes, I am (well, minus a fallopian tube but no longer needed fortunately). Incredibly scary because I had no idea whatsoever I could have been pregnant until I collapsed and then advised to test. Found out about the pregnancy at 11am, in theatre 8pm same day so emotionally it was pretty tough.
Very relieved there is definitely no further risk of pregnancy for me again!

How he responded was inconsiderate but him not wanting a vasectomy is fine as it is his choice and his body, everyone would be up in arms on here if a man told a women to get her tubes tied etc
but Op not wanting to be on hormonal birth control is also ok , so therefor condoms etc are going to have to be the choice. Both are responsible for birth control and nit just the women.
no one should force anyone to do anything they do not want to do

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You haven’t bothered your arse to read the thread at all, have you?

The (weak) points you make have been raised and rebutted multiple times - even just a couple of posts about yours.

It's not about a "potential future wife".

It's about the fact that they are currently (due to recent life changes) in a situation in which permanent contraception is not advisable.

I appreciate the circumstances but I’m sorry OP, I disagree with you as you have talked a lot about what you want but no mention of what DH wants. I don’t blame him for reacting in that way.

I love this idea that mid-life men are pining for more children…

Yes, absolutely! Men love the idea of going back into the nappy, midday naps, toddler tantrums, high-dependency age! They can’t get enough of it.

The first thing they want, when they get a hot new model is to want to curtail the nights out, the restaurants, the city breaks and weekends away, the sex on tap - with a baby!

It’s kind of sweet that so many first wives are so keen to push their current husbands into further domesticity with their next lady… 😉

There are not enough 🙄 in the world for this comment.

You’re either a man, or the High Priestess of Handmaidens.

Contraception is viewed as a joint responsibility by DH and me. I asked him to have a vasectomy as my anti-cancer medication causes birth defects, I was done with hormonal contraception and didn’t want to risk a coil slipping (I know 2 “coil babies”). He had it done without a quibble.

Your post demonstrates anything but an appreciation of the circumstances. Either you haven’t read the OP properly or you haven’t understood the nature of the problem have you ? OP has had multiple miscarriages and a child with a birth defect, been poked, prodded, had surgery, and hormones pumped into her until she’s exhausted by it all. If she hadn’t given this information for context you’d be accusing her of drip feeding, but because she has you think it’s all about her ? After watching his wife go through hell and knowing that another pregnancy could be disastrous, he’s abdicated responsibility for contraception back to the OP and shut down the discussion. And you don’t blame him ? The handmaidens are out in force on this thread today aren’t they. Or are you a bloke ?

Yes. I know. I was being sarcastic. If you read the thread a lot of posters are advocating for her DH saying that if their marriage failed after he had a vasectomy, he wouldn’t be able to have more children in any future relationship. And evidently they really believe that OP should consider that above her own needs in the here and now. As I said. Batshit.

Depressing isn’t it ? The thread has evolved into an interesting and diverse debate around a subject which has lots of implications for women, and yet some posters are making the same points over and over again in ignorance because they can’t be arsed to familiarise themselves with what’s gone before. I found her point about tube tying particularly interesting, because some posters have advocated exactly that, framed as her taking responsibility for her own body - god forbid that her DH should be expected to do the same.

His refusal to have a vasectomy is essentially him asking the OP to do exactly that. She needs a permanent and reliable means of contraception because any more pregnancies would have serious consequences.

This wins the thread for possibly the worst comment here. No wonder men feel entitled to behave in shitty ways towards their partners when they have this kind of attitude enabling them.

Urgh my partner said the same after 2 traumatic births. Floored me as usually so reasonable. Said he presumed I’d just go on the pill 😳 I told him I’m not pumping my body full of hormones any longer, and increasing my risk of cancer, it’s his turn to take some responsibility for contraception. We rarely have sex now. Maybe he’ll come round to the idea but it’s affected how I feel towards him a little bit

Well that makes zero sense, 25 years and my dp has never behaved in a shitty way. I am however amazed that so many relationships on mn remain intact, the majority of posters hate men.