To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

She then should be able to refuse sex. And not be bullied into it.

If the result of sex is potential pregnancy and pregnancy has devastating implications for OP then she has the right to prevent that from occurring. She also has the right to say she has done her fair share with the multiple miscarriages and enduring IVF and having a traumatic birth. Its on him now

Absolutely this and of course all the trauma and injury OP has experienced so far.

Women can and do still die in childbirth.

So yea - if he's not prepared to take one for the team now then I guess sex is off the menu.

And once again women get shafted so he can feel like a man.

My DH could have begged me to let him have the procedure and I'd still have said no, regardless of how 'simple' it is.

Gosh, what a telling line that is. He COULD have begged you.

He clearly didn’t then!

So, we’re left with - he didn’t want one. And you obviously in the position of having to defend that.

My opinion absolutely stands - sub-standard and selfish.

Anyone might be forgiven for thinking that the majority of 'Mums' netters posting on this site these days are not women.

However, I suspect Germaine Greer got it wrong. That 'women have very little idea of how much men hate them', to quote her well-known phrase, is hardly in doubt. What I think she neglected to mention was that women also have very little idea how much some other women hate them.

The patriarchy's done a number on these types, for sure.

@Seablue9 May I ask what made you so vehemently against your husband having a vasectomy?

Him not wanting one, of course!

Since that’s his position, she’s forced into justifying it as a good idea.

Just a shout out to the caring men who willingly offer to have vasectomies, since on threads like this (I’ve been on many of them over the years), they do tend to get swallowed up by criticism of all the selfish ones.

Also, a shout out to the men who do have to be asked, but who consider it, and then are happy to do it.

They’re all good people - there are lots of them, and they really do show up the men who won’t do it for what they are.

This. Due understanding of your being flabbergasted by his response, OP, and like this poster, I am sorry for all you've been through. Nevertheless, you really do need to have a proper discussion re alternative contraception, e. g. condoms, but also of his feelings about the pregnancy losses and possibly of his longing/desire for another child. That may include discussion of fostering or adoption in the future. Many, many men regret vasectomy for multiple reasons, reversal has limited success. Neither procedure is risk free... a proper discussion needed with this good, caring man... OP's own words

My DH had a vasectomy about a month ago, we discovered just before Christmas we where pregnant again with DC4. I have had 6 pre-ops (incase a cancellation came up!) and im still waiting to have my tubes tided. This is our 17th pregnancy and we have 3 wonderful DCs, my DH made the decision himself that after 15 years of me asking he just casually said he was getting it done. We have had a terrible time with fertility and he didnt want us to go through it again, even if something happened to this pregnancy. He used to say it would make him less of a man 🙄 maybe thats where your DH is coming from? Regardless, he has clearly handled your request terribly. Its a 15mins in and out!! My DH was back in work the next day ffs!!!

Unless he is planning on leaving you or is so pathetic that he thinks he will no longer be a real man, then he really has no reason as to why he doesn't want one.
I can't believe any men could see someone he loved go through all that and still refuse to do one tiny thing to help them. Is he really that selfish he would risk both your physical and mental health just because he wants to?

I honestly think they don’t understand it. They think we want to pin men down and force them to have a vasectomy against their wishes. There is a startling lack of understanding of the subtleties around this issue.

Yep. It is an eye-opener to be sure. I really want better for my daughter’s generation, but I don’t see it happening if they’re being raised by the women on here.

That’s why I’m so glad it was my father - who’d be 84 this year, if still alive - who said to me as a young teenager, that it’s the least a man can do.

This has always framed my thinking, and it’s why I unapologetically have zero truck with sub-standard men and their women apologists.

Considering the 'subtleties' are:
Sex causes pregnancies;
Pregnancies can kill women;
Sex is part of a healthy marriage,

I'd say it's not so much lack of understanding as simply not bloody caring about the women in their lives.

It certainly has.

My opinion stands too.

I took the decision to not have more children. I also believed at the time should anything happen to me I wouldn't expect my DH to remain single which could possibly involve having another child. I understand the reason OP is annoyed but I also see the bigger picture and ultimately I would understand why this generally good father and husband has reservations. His reasons about not wanting to put his 'body through that' is understandably wrong in the eyes of OP but there is probably more to it than meets the eye.

Selfish and cowardly, the way he phrased it.

I stand by my view.

I never expected you to change it. I’m referring to the OP’s husband.

Lucky men, they can afford to have ‘reservations’!

Women can’t.

Good men recognise that and step up.

Your situation, giving your DH a free pass, is irrelevant to the OP’s situation, where she wants and needs him to do the decent thing.

But having multiple miscarriages, taking hormones, IVF are???

Always remember - men shouldn’t be expected to take on ANY risk!!

Risk, danger, pain, ongoing ill-health, inconvenience - that’s all for women to shoulder.

And if in any doubt about the ingrained misogyny in our patriarchal society - just watch the women pushing this narrative.

Yes he absolutely should, your body has been through the mill. So it is his turn to take one for the team. My DH was not keen, so I went to have my tubes tied which is GA compared to Local for the man. But when I came out of operation they said sorry it was not successful you are to thin! So he had no choice but to have it done. Hormonal contraceptives did not agree with me and he does not like condoms. It is a very minor op that is done under local and takes 10 mins xnd the recovery time is shorter than your tubes being tied. Men can be so selfish.

@ftp Quite. Undergoing emergency surgery for a ruptured ectopic is pretty scary (and I didn't even know/expect I was pregnant) 😢