To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

Why do most posters here appear like they are all about making this topic intent on OP hating her DH when ultimately they don't know the whole story. 🤔

The OP can make whatever judgments she likes about her own DH.

As for the rest of us, we’re free to judge him exactly as harshly as we see fit, having been invited by the OP to comment on the situation.

I don't think there's any story that would make his response acceptable.

@Mumsgotaheadache01 I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. There's a lot of physical and mental pain encompassed in that OP and I'm not at all surprised you feel hurt by your DH's response. His dismissal of a vasectomy must feel like a dismissal of everything you've been through.

Some men (and women) can equate fertility with masculinity (or femininity) and value as a person and can be a bit funny about this sort of thing. While I may think it's daft myself, I understand it and ultimately it's his decision about his body.

However - and it is a HUGE however - if he wants his bodily autonomy respected, then he MUST also respect yours. Unlike him you've already suffered significant physical impact. Your need to protect yourself from future pregnancy in a way that is not going to have an impact that further ravages your poor body is the priority here. If he's not willing to have a vasectomy then he simply has to refrain from penis-in-vagina sex. It really is that simple.

There are other ways for both of you to achieve climax, many of which are often more pleasurable for women that endless thrusting in a vagina that has been stretched, stitched and prodded by health professionals. If able, you could combine it with only having PIV sex, with condoms, at a time of the month where your risk is minimal (assuming you can track yours reliably - not a given with POCS I know).

I'd tell your DH that his refusal feels like a dismissal of the trauma your body has been through. He may just have been a thoughtless arse who didn't think about how it might make you feel because he was only thinking about it in terms of what it meant for him. He may be mortified that his response made you feel as you do (I hope so anyway - if not, you've got bigger problems). Then I'd calmly spell out how non-negotiable further stress on your body is and the options for ensuring that doesn't happen, i.e. no PIV sex. Hopefully, you'll find a mutually agreeable way forward and rediscover how much you really do value each other. 💐

You either haven’t read, or haven’t understood the OP. Its not about how he feels about having another child. The OP is done with it after four miscarriages and a live birth of a child with a birth defect. Do you even know why they had IVF ? And what good caring man watches his wife go through all of this and then dismisses any responsibility for contraception out of hand ?

So sick of hearing 'his body, his choice'. Obviously that's true, but when the partner he's supposed to love has been to hell and back through miscarriages/pregnancy/side effects from birth control etc it makes me so mad. The onus is nearly always on the woman to just grin and bear it all, literally all men have to do is wear condoms (which theyll still moan about more often than not) or a minor op which heals quickly and isnt comparable to any of the shit that women have to go through..its like really? wanna swap places, mate?

Why not - lots of female posters (although I have my doubts) here are advocating exactly that. Evidently he has decades in front of him in which he could potentially be in a new relationship and want more children. And OP is supposed to consider that above her own needs. It’s utterly batshit.

Why do I get the feeling here the majority of women resent what they've gone through simply because they are female. I'm proud of my gender and would never dream of resenting my DH because he's not had my female issues to deal with. As far as I'm concerned I'm happy for him

That’s a stretch.

I don't think I could ask mine to do that in case something happened and he wanted children with someone else. I've only carried one baby full term so I do understand where you're coming from.

A solution may be to get your insides sorted rather than his perhaps?

I get that feeling from some posts. I had the usual, pregnancy, birth, complications etc. It wasn’t something that was ‘done to me’ - I wanted children. I don’t deserve a medal, half the world’s population do it.

It does come with some risk of permanent pain and other issues. I think a lot of us would not go under the knife unless essential, and he may also be afraid of surgery. I understand that you have been through a lot and I would expect him to be open to a discussion and be very understanding - hopefully he will be able to do that and fully hear you once he’s had a few days to think about it.

I work in the area of fertility and men do see their fertility as part of their manlihood in a very rigid way. Give him time.

Have you thought about trying something like the Caya cap?

That attitude there is part of the problem. Yes I wanted my children, but so did my DH. I did it just as much for him as myself. And frankly, I think woken do deserve medals for everything that we alone can achieve.

Do you believe your dh owed you a vasectomy for the fact you gave birth though? I find some of the posts on this thread so strange.
A Maximum of 20% of men have had a vasectomy, leaving 80% who have not. As usual, mn has demonstrated that it is not representative of the general population.

Age played a factor for us too! Hubby 48 and I'm 43 now. We have a 3 yo daughter together (his only bio child) but he's since had a vasectomy as we both feel we're too old for any more children.

This is such a pathetic excuse.

He hasn’t dismissed responsibility for contraception out of hand. He just doesn’t want a vasectomy.

No, I don't think he "owed" me a vasectomy. However once our family was complete I don't think he could have provided a reasonable excuse not to have one. "I don't want to" doesn't fly in my house. You don't want to take a risk, fine, present me with a solution that doesn't place more risk on me. Thankfully we are a team so he volunteered. Conception is not a women's problem, unless of course you are Mary herself.

And I think everyone is very well aware that most men don't have a vasectomy, that's exactly what we're discussing.

OP wasn't forced to get pregnant. He may have wanted kids too but she knew the potential risks.

Doesn't change the fact that he gets to decide what to do with his own body.

What on earth is all of this "You're not a proper man if you've had a vasectomy?"
How absolutely immature and pathetic!
In fact, it's quite the opposite.

He shouldn't be pressurised into an op. Plenty of other means of birth control without surgery or hormones eg condoms, cap

@Lindyloomillion1 But in the case of a woman very much needing/wanting to avoid pregnancy, these options are not as effective.

Why would people feel resentful, of all bizarre emotions, when they have DH’s who’ve offered to get vasectomies off their own bat?

Their own choice.

Their own willingness.

I strongly suspect there is resentment amongst women for not have such basically decent men - and for having to faff with mirenas / coils / pills / condoms.

Sadly, I am well aware!

Use contraception