To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

The irony is so off the scale it’s in orbit 😭

If you read the comment that comment is responding to you’ll see it is (in this instance and many others in the thread) about a “potential future wife”. OP didn’t mention any such thing, but many commenters expect women in this situation to take their husband’s potential future wives into account when sorting their own family planning, even above their own health and happiness. Several examples of that in this thread.

Clearly we've all got very different standards...

Holding the men who abdicate reproductive responsibility to account isn’t “hating men” ffs. Most men aren’t selfish. Most men are aware that their partner carries most of the reproductive burden because that’s how biology is. When they get a chance to ease their partner’s burden good men do that. Particularly in situations like the OP’s. Reasonable men at least have the conversation and discuss possibilities that aren’t just piling it all back on her. It’s only a tiny minority of selfish man babies who are being criticised here. Even they aren’t being “hated”.

So many here hate men? Oh my, get off it. Some of us are indeed not very fond of Neandertal type men- who think that rights are for men and men alone, and responsibility, pain, risks, damage, and so much more, are the joys of women alone. Some of us fell in love and chose men who are prepared to step up and take one for the team- and without being asked. Because it is the fair and safer thing to do- What real, strong men do.

Pick your own, selfish, irresponsible one if you wish. YOUR choice enterely, and he will make all the choices for your body on the way. Your pick!

@Residentevil I love my husband because he's a decent man who respects me. I dislike my ex because he is a controlling misogynist. So no, I don't hate all men.
I don't tolerate the idiotic and selfish ones though and feel it's a shame so many women still continue to set the bar so very low.

I don't hate men. I've married two of them, made 3 of them & adore many more of them.

However!!

I hate & resent the fact nature seems to hate women and that without the intervention of (our) belligerence & science we would be little more than cattle. That some women still choose to live like that blows my mind. I think it required effort on men's behalf (both actively & in upbringing) to not resort to the default nature appears to have intended & those are the good men who bear the weight that science and technology has provided - thank fuck!

I think in OPs situation the man refusing to even contemplate being part of removing risk to her is very much about defaulting to the privilege that men naturally have - they don't HAVE to do anything at all, absolutely nothing whatsoever. Good men realise that they SHOULD do something though.

@MariaVT65 You talk a lot about men causing pregnancy in women, but with the exception of rape of course, women have an equal part in that decision to have sex.
Well you have to accept that men are fundamental to the woman getting pregnant.
So at what point is any of this his responsibility. It sounds like as far as you are concerned, EVERYTHING is her responsibility. Pregnancy, childbirth (traumatic in this instance), all the medical issues post childbirth, IVF and contraception.

Is there ANYTHING you hold him responsible for at all?

@Residentevil has picked her man, decided what to do with her own body, is happy with her choices.
What does it matter what anyone else thinks if they are happy!

For anyone reading this who or whose partner is considering a vasectomy, to make you aware of the waiting times on the NHS (In West Yorkshire at least)

• had an appointment with GPin September 2023 to get referral
• first available appointment for a telephone consultation (unless willing to travel to London for a face to face) was July 2024…

I have nothing but contempt for shitty, selfish, sub-standard men.

Luckily for me, they’re relegated to MN, and no-one I know, or need to encounter, in real life!

I did a big shout out to all the good, decent, caring, thoughtful, considerate, loving men upthread!

You know, the ones who make the shitty ones look even worse than they already are. There are lots of them.

Interesting how it changes from place to place. GP doesn't refer here, they just give you a number to sort themselves.

I’m not in the UK, but the idea of needing a GP referral is pretty bizarre.

Here, you just search up a clinic and book.

I'm UK. Hubby got an appt through GP pretty quickly then just had to attend a meeting explaining small risks/permanency of it/post-sample requirements etc before he had it done. I was a bit uncertain of him going for it at first (he only has one child and would have liked more ideally) but he felt it was the right thing to do. Deep down we know it was the right decision.

My DH spoke to GP receptionist who organized a referral to Marie Stopes. He waited about 4 months in 2022. I think there was a phone consultation at some point. All very simple.

Some have said its his choice not to have the vasectomy, but it's the OP's choice not to put herself through all the plain, etc, of what she's already been through, again.

So my advice would be to write the list as suggested by others, make him read it out loud, then if he still doesn't change his mind, if tell him he has 3 choices :-

1. Vasectomy
2. Condoms
3. No sex (at all)

Condoms is such a shit suggestion, though.

They are far from fail safe.

They’re a massive faff.

And they make sex much less enjoyable.

OP has already said she doesn’t want to trust it to condoms as the consequences of any further pregnancy could be serious and they are too unreliable. I think, as a few on here have suggested, he needs to contemplate no sex at all for a while to concentrate his mind on how damaging a further pregnancy would be for his wife.

Anyone else noticed the OP hasn’t been back for two days ?

Not sure I'd come back TBH. We've gone a little aggressively off topic.

Yeah. It’s been one of the more interesting threads though - diverse, if, as you say, a little aggressive. The voting is overwhelmingly in favour of OP though, which is something.

What the actual fuck are you wittering on about? I literally said none of that. I was only objecting to the statement that ‘men cause pregnancy’ when actually, it’s equal.

I think you are being unfair. You asked, he said no - end of. Bringing your past health issues into it isn't fair I'm assuming he didn't force you to have ivf he didn't cause all the miscarriages etc. you chose to go on that journey to grow your family together as a unit and whilst the physical toll fell to you I'm sure he was also negatively impacted by seeing his wife go through all thst trauma as well. Just chill out and use condoms. And don't listen to the crazy people on here advising you to stop having sex with him unless you want to kill your marriage.

@terfinthewild She can't risk falling pregnant again.
Are you saying she HAS to have sex with him?!!

Yes, poor man shouldn’t be expected to do anything, right?

Just when you think the klaxon has alerted all numpties, another one pops in drop a new 💩!