To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

If you’ve already had to use IVF to conceive, and don’t even have sex very often, aren’t your chances of becoming pregnant very very low?

She’s had three previous miscarriages?

Why would you urge her not to worry about pregnancy, with all she has been through?

And yes, I’m sure pretty much any desire she might once have had for her husband ha been killed stone dead.

This has been revisited several times way upthread so probably worth restating. The OP didn’t have IVF because of conception difficulties. Getting pregnant wasn’t the problem - it her body’s ability to distinguish viable embryos from unviable ones. Hence four miscarriages and one child with a birth defect. Lots of interventions, surgery snd hormone treatment. She asked her DH to consider a vasectomy because she didn’t want any more surgery or hormonal contraception, and didn’t trust condoms alone to prevent any further pregnancy.

Have you bothered to read the thread, or even OP’s updates ? She doesn’t want to ‘chill out and use condoms’ because another pregnancy would be damaging, with a high chance of having a disabled child if the pregnancy went to term. Would you trust condoms with such high stakes ?

And her health issues are entirely connected and relevant. They’re also ongoing - not ‘past’ or did it escape your notice that she’s only just had another miscarriage? If her DH was ‘negatively impacted’ by seeing her go through all of this he would have given more thought to actually stepping up and supporting her, not dismissing it out of hand because he doesn’t want to ‘put himself through it’. And that’s what will kill the marriage. I have a strong suspicion there’s a lot of male input on the thread.

Yes, a klaxon’s gone off in someone’s parents’ basement, and a load of fellow sub-standard males have been alerted.

I know. My eyes rolled all through that post!

He has every right to say no to a vasectomy, his body, his choice as the saying goes.

But his choices don't just impact him, actually the choice has very little impact on him in the grand scheme of things. An unplanned pregnancy is about as bad as it gets for him, but that's all. I say 'that's all' because it's not him that gets pregnant, or has to go through a high risk pregnancy, it's not him who potentially puts his life in danger giving birth and it's not him that is born with a disability and everything that comes with it.

Tbh if he's not going to get a vasectomy then there's no way I'd have sex with him again, and I'd be seriously thinking if I was happy to stay with a man who will willingly put his own wants and desires before my health and that of a child.

I think the most disturbing factor here is the way he dismissed the suggestion out of hand without any kind of discussion - and the words he used. It’s an indicator that in any given situation his first thought will be for himself. Not exactly what you’d expect from a committed family man. And that’s the point here isn’t it ? As a family unit you make decisions together - you don’t expect one person to shoulder the burden until they’re at breaking point, and it sounds as though the OP has reached her limit. Wonder if/when that will dawn on him, because IMO it’s a deal breaker.

I can’t believe someone on here voluntarily had a ‘simple sterilisation procedure’ (what was this? Don’t recall this being widely available on the NHS like, say, vasectomies) to avoid her husband suffering from psychological effects of a vasectomy. I’ve read it all now. I am assuming this thread has been taken over by men.

Google Allo health 10 reasons not to have a vasectomy. This will answer your questions.

I never once said I disagreed with vasectomies in general. It wasn't right for my feelings about it and again this article explains why. My sterilisation of course included a GA but in all honesty I enjoyed the break. It was quick &,easy. Hats off to couples who do decide on vasectomy but because of my personal feelings I can't agree with the majority of posters who think all men should have the procedure if the couple decide to have no more children and if they don't they are selfish etc.

Simple easy operation, which many men have no side effects. And much simpler than tubes being tied, and quicker recovery than tubes being tied.

That "article" is a joke. Honestly.
One of the 10 reasons, is "your woman can get an IUD instead". 5 are wishy washy "feelings/psychological" excuses. One is cost (erm NHS). And lo and behold - the future wife gets a mention.
Misogynistic nonsense.

Your bias towards prioritising male comfort is astonishing. You are quite blasé about suggesting that OP should either go through yet another traumatic procedure or risk a failed condom and the trauma that this means for her because her DH was more traumatised than she was for witnessing what she actually had to live through, physically, mentally, emotionally? Sure, I bet it wasn’t easy for him either but prioritising him here is like giving a life jacket to someone watching a drowning from dry land.

You don't need a reason or an excuse to not have a surgical procedure or indeed any medical treatment.

Are you going to give him a 100% guarantee there won't be side effects? If you can't then accept that he is the one who has the right to make the decision as he will be the one living with it if something goes wrong.

Do women get 100% guarantee of no side effects from pregnancy, abortions, birth control, the morning after pill, tubal ligation, miscarriage? Give over. Even if we do nothing the female reproductive system isn't much fun. And men need a 100% guarantee that nothing at all can ever go wrong? 😂

Some of these posts make me even prouder to be an outspoken feminist!!
Are they for real?!!

👏🏻
@Iwasafool presumably would acknowledge that Women should refuse to bear children or use contraception unless they receive similar guarantees!

Women are free to choose what they do with their bodies.
Not give birth, not go on contraception not have sex etc.

Whatever each individual chooses is ultimately up to them.
You weigh up the risks and make a decision based on those.

Having to convince someone else to do what you'd like them to do with their body says a lot about those relationships.

They're already bigger issues at play if he doesn't feel for you.

If a man chooses to, fine, if he doesn't want to, that's fine too. His choice.

“My sterilisation of course included a GA but in all honesty I enjoyed the break”

Glad you enjoyed the ‘break’. A vasectomy is a procedure that can be done in 30 minutes at a GP surgery.

The ‘simple’ sterilisation preferred by some posters also carries small risks - of internal bleeding, infection and damage to other organs so neither procedure is without any risk. There is also an increased risk of ectopic pregnancy if a pregnancy does occur. Not to mention it needs to be done under general anaesthetic.

And his ‘choice’ should take account of the circumstances and the likely impact on the person he’s supposed to care about - his wife. As a couple you make choices that benefit both of you - having a family, contraception, and in the OP and her DH’s case IVF. And when the consequences of the choices you’ve made together adversely affect the one partner who has borne the physical toll, you don’t get to make a unilateral decision based solely on what’s best for you, when you’ve benefited equally from the choices they made willingly, regardless of the cost to themselves. That’s utterly selfish.

And given the fact that OP has had surgery and other interventions, as well as having fibroids, a laparoscopic procedure is unlikely - so major open surgery is the only alternative, which carries much more risk.

And given that his refusal doesn’t give the OP much option other than tubal ligation, she will be in a similar position won’t she ? Stalemate.

Reading back, I think men have been here from the start !!