To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

He has every right to refuse to go through a medical procedure he doesn't want to. You then have the same right to decide what you want to do regarding sex and if this means you don't want to anymore. I don't think it's fair to trivialise any medical procedure, but you have the right to no longer get have sex because you're concerned with the risks to you.

She's the one making body-altering demands of her DH and coming here flabbergasted at his reaction.

rubyredknowsitall · Today 01:46

If he doesn't want a vasectomy that's his choice. He shouldn't be bullied into it

Bollocks. Why should the woman always be the one to take contraceptive responsibility? The OP has already been through the mill!

I think he is not ready to end the possibility of having children potentially with a different future partner. For now use condoms.

With kindness, YABU @Mumsgotaheadache01.

It sounds like you both wanted and tried really hard to have children. While I understand where you're coming from, your suggestion of vasectomy has come out of the blue to him. You are asking him to give up on any hopes and dreams of another child and undergo life changing surgery.

It's a bit U to expect him to agree immediately without further discussion.

I think any man who is a committed partner to a woman who has decided not to have any more children, and won't have a vasectomy, is a total dick, my DH included!!

Actually, how much more is the OP meant to put her body through? Yet her husband won't do this simple procedure to prevent her from going through hell again? Seriously?!

You conceived via IVF which is quite expensive/a last resort. I assume you went this route because you have trouble conceiving naturally?

if so, I can imagine why he’s hesitant to have a vasectomy if you have previously struggled with conception. He will go from potentially not having more kids to definitely not having more kids? Is he definitely accepting of not having another child?

how are you sure that you won’t have problems conceiving naturally again?

I’m not taking sides or having a go, it’s just that going from wanting children to the extent of IVF to preventing children completely seems like a complete 180

I think his wording was poor but that’s about it. As others have said, it’s his body, his choice. He shouldn’t have to get something done when he doesn’t want too especially when you already don’t have sex much.

Have you considered getting your tubes tied or will a condom be enough? I think you should consider other options as opposed to being flabbergasted

Do the people suggesting condoms not realise that they give nowhere near 100% protection?

The OP obviously can't afford to take even the slightest risk.

My DH has refused the snip, not that I’m massively bothered tbh. I’m also more than happy to continue with the pill.

I have had 2 c sections and even though I hated pregnancy and knew I’d have another section, I actively chose and agreed to put myself through that. If I’d have said no, my DH would have respected that.

I don’t believe that because I opted to put my body through something, that my DH should as well. No one should be bullied into doing something with their own bodies, regardless of the reason.

So sorry, I think YABU.

Men carry on like it's castration, I swear.

And yet there are (maybe) women here blithely saying OP, who's been through hell with miscarriages, pcos, fibroids, a difficult birth, etc, etc, should have a far more invasive and risky operation because he doesn't want to "put himself through that".

The mind boggles.

Why is he selfish?
He's entitled to not do something drastic and permanent to his own body

Op. Have you considered becoming sterilised?

98% effective (source: NHS) is apparently nowhere near 100%.

If the OP’s DH doesn’t want a vasectomy and assuming that the OP doesn’t want to get her tubes tied, then what are the other options? OP has already said that she doesn’t want to be on contraception so there has to be some sort of middle ground?

I’d be horrified too OP if he’s seen you go through IVF, miscarriages and childbirth. I’d talk about it again in a week or two - calmly - to find out what’s driving it.

Those suggesting “get your tubes tied” - it’s another a surgery under general anaesthetic! Plus, far more expensive privately.

My husband had one and it was absolutely nothing at all. Hope he comes around - being upset is very valid.

My dad wouldn't ever have one either-he was against messing with things like that and anything "unnatural" in his view-and before anyone asks, he was very against my mother going on the pill too for that very reason. I'm sure that probably makes him a controlling prick in most mumsnetters eyes and they'd be up in arms about being told by a man that he DOESN'T want them to go on the pill!

It's his body at the end of the day-you went through all those things to try and have a much wanted baby (and I'm very sorry about all your miscarriages) it's not really the same as having surgery to PREVENT something from happening. If getting your tubes tied was an easier op would it be ok for men to just expect women to do that?

Seriously? The best thing she can do is just refuse to have sex. Why should she put herself at risk?

This!

Mine had done nothing about it but didn’t want more kids, he doesn’t like condoms so I told him I’d had my implanon removed. And he got it done, but it’s months longer on condoms than he would have needed.

id be furious op. I’d take a few weeks opting out of a lot. I’d be texting him: you’ll have to do the washing, I’m not putting myself through that this week.

It might be his body, but at the same time he is shouting I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR BODY AND YOUR HEALTH to his wife. He never cared or objected or thought it just too much when it was her body, never crossed his mind. Compared to all that, he is being asked to take a Sunday stroll in the park. He might trip and break an ankle, but like most men he won’t even need more than a day off work. My Dhs was seamless, I had to did zero extra to cover for him recovering because he didn’t need recovery.

Getting pregnant would put her at even greater risk, from what she's told us. Why should she require that someone else does something to prevent that when she has full agency of her own body? It's possible she may not be with this partner forever, and then what? Demand that another man get himself sterilised?

FWIW, my misogynistic bully of a dad had a vasectomy once they'd had enough children. One factor was my mother's health - the other was that she'd have to stay faithful!!

He hurt when he came back from hospital, was sore for a few days after. This was in the 1970s, I'm sure techniques are even better now.