To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

My DH had a vasectomy 15 years ago and still has pain from it. He can't even walk very far without sitting (he's in his 40s now) It really isn't risk free.

Nobody should be guilt-tripped into undergoing surgery they don't want.

I can understand your perspective op and think his reply was really clumsy considering your history, but I think you'd be very unreasonable to push this. His body, his choice.

I don't think his reply doesn't mean that he doesn't respect what OP went through. It sounds to me like a clumsy reply in a difficult conversation.

I think OP needs to take her previous experiences out of the equation. What she and her husband need to do is focus on what the best solution is NOW, while thinking about the risks and benefits on both sides. The unfortunate truth is that there are far more options open to OP than there are to her husband.

(Edited to remove uneeded sentence)

Dh said the same to me years ago and I also didn’t want hormones so I ended up having surgery to be sterilised. Which after pregnancy and lscs seemed unfair.

Why are you talking about women in such a passive way? It's not the 1920s - sex isn't something 'done' to women in consensual relationships.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I've been through a lot similar myself.

I think most men are wired differently and think that their manhood relies on their ability to reproduce.

That's a very difficult conversation to have; however, I would start with asking/ discussing the option of not trying to have more kids. Has he accepted that? Is he happy with the choice of one child? There are still other options for him/both, such as surrogate, if you don't want more IVF, DE and surrogate.

He may also want to keep his options open. Ultimately, man can reproduce until late in life.

Obviously, you can abstain from sex until you both agree on a solution.

Totally unreasonable of you. It's his body. What would you think if he asked you to have your tubes tied or have an abortion?

Completely different! Tubes tied is a major op with high risks and pain. The snip is a 15 minute in the drs surgery. Minimal pain and short recovery time

‘Op. Have you considered becoming sterilised?’

I imagine it’s never once crossed her mind and she will be very grateful for your idea.

Completely different scale of operation! Plus op has been through enough. He's selfish.

I think it goes the same for men as women. It is his body and his choice. There are methods of birth control like condom, spermacide, etc when used properly work well. If you are the one who feels this way, have your tubes tied. It stops it from being a problem for you ever again.

 I understand it is easier for men but men deserve the same rights as women. Its his body and his choice. Everyone here would defend you if he expected you to be sterilized. Someone should defend him as well. You can easily still get your way in this situation by having a tubal ligation. (I had one and it wasnt bad at all.) Now I can rest easy that I will have no more children and that is definitely worth it.

My DH won't have one either and it winds me up. Every time he complains about condoms (often), I tell him to get a vasectomy.

Don't be ridiculous. "Every time a man ejaculates into a woman, he makes a choice about her body." PIV sex causes pregnancy, regardless of consent.

"Everything that happens to the woman's body in relation to sex and conception is a joint responsibility." You cannot separate his & her bodily autonomy in this arena, because her body bears the consequences of his actions.

It is usual for a married couple to have sex, and OP wants to resume their sexual activity. She wants consensual, married sex, free of harmful consequences.

Hormonal contraception isn't safe for anybody, it absolutely destroys your hormones over years and causes women many health issues they don't seem to relate to the contraception, not to mention infertility. Barring condoms and vasectomy which most men don't like all other contraceptive is either damaging or invasive or both to women and has no consequence whatsoever for the man. What would actually be a fair solution.

laparoscopy (keyhole surgery) is the most common method of sterilisation. You can be awake and rarely experience any pain. The procedure takes about 30 minutes. Recovery is within 7 days.

Ugh at many of the posts on here. So many women berating the OP. And so many women whose partners have refused vasectomies so they have meekly gone on to get sterilised themselves. It’s gross.

Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much.

OP is not pinning him down and forcing surgery ffs. She wanted to have a discussion which he shut down immediately. He didn’t acknowledge how much she has been through. It’s selfish and disrespectful not to discuss it.

OP I would stop having sex. Not even as ‘revenge’ or even ‘safety’. More that my husband would become so damn unattractive to me if he behaved like this. Your body has gone through enough and your husband needs to ‘see’ this.

Your feelings are valid. Ignore the docile 1950s housewives on here. You deserve better.

ETA hell would freeze over before I would agree to a sterilisation myself in your situation OP. I would choose abstinence.

Getting her tubes tied is a major operation. And she’s done all the heavy lifting so far.

Having the snip is minor, and any man who won’t do it is pathetic.

My dh doesn't want a vasectomy. I haven't had the trauma you have op so I can accept his choice. I'm 46 and we use condoms.

If I were you I would do as someone else said and write the list of things down not so much in response to whether he gets a vasectomy but in response to his reason.

Then I would look at how I can protect my body in a way that suits me. If I were you I'd use a cap with spermicide and he wears a condom. Every time. And I'd probably avoid sex on the fertile days.

Let’s be fair, there’s 2 sides to every story and we have no way of knowing how the Op asked her DP to get a vasectomy.

It quite feasible that it was in the middle of a heated debate about pregnancy etc and the Op demanding he gets a vasectomy.

Gone are the days where you would let someone mull the idea over for a period and come to decision.

Instead, it’s trial by MN, telling the op to leave her DH.

People are giving misinformation on vasectomies here. They are not permanent nor irreversible. My DH had already had a vasectomy when we met but had it reversed so we could start a family. Our first child was IVF but I fell pregnant naturally for our second.

If he wants to refuse vasectomy then it’s an equally valid choice for her to refuse hormonal contraception. Her body, her choice.

He can wear condoms if he wants to continue to have sex.

I think anyone is allowed to shut down a conversation if they don’t want to have surgery. Although op’s DH could have said he would be happy to use condoms at that point. But i’m not sure that’s what Op is looking for.

However, it does sound like the conversation will need to be inevitably continued at some point, just to agree on what contraception to use moving to use moving forward.

I’m still not convinced what OP has been through should be directly related to their choice of contraception now. There may be an element of resentment towards DH for her having to go through everything, which i totally get because I am also struggling with that unhealthy mindset right now, but it still doesn’t mean DH is selfish to not want surgery. It also doesn’t mean the conversation can’t be picked up again.

A vasectomy and getting tubes tied are completely different and with all the additional context, it is the LEAST he can do.

@LameBorzoi, OP says I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. Hormonal contraceptives would probably make the fibroids worse, possibly the fluid if it's related to endometriosis or uterine rupture, and she also says she's still undergoing tests for further reproductive health issues. It really doesn't sound as though pumping herself with more hormones would be a great idea.

OP, I would be so shocked and disappointed in my husband and you had every right to bring up something that would be for the benefit of you and your relationship.

He is an arse.

A vasectomy is a minimal procedure that means you both can relax re birth control.

My husband would have no issue, nor did the husbands of my friends who have had them.

It makes sense.

If OP fell under a bus tomorrow he might want other children with a future partner. He doesn't have to be 'uncommitted' not to want to rule out that possibility.

This is the reason that I wouldn't let DH get a vasectomy years ago. Instead, I got a Mirena and haven't had a period for 20 years.