To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

That procedure is one of the simplest and nothing difficult compared to women typling thwir tubes!!! What a selfish git. Sorry but after all you mentioned that is just horrid. Such a typical backwards man what age is he living in 1940's!

I am a female out of my husband and I then I am the only that can get pregnant, I am responsible for my body if I don't want to get pregnant I am responsible for ensuring I don't

I know men are useful to women when they want to get pregnant but it is my body my choice

It's the OP that wants to get their sex life back. She actually hasn't said if he's bothered about sex or not (unless I've missed it) if he's happy to abstain and OP is unhappy with no sex, is it her right to demand he has a vasectomy?

Condoms are actually very reliable. Not sure why OP hasn't gone for a different form of contraception as well/instead though.

Has she demanded he have a vasectomy?

I read this more as her being upset by his immediate response and the way he put his point across.

Of course you can say no but when you've witnessed your wife go through what OP has for you (and herself if course but still I'm going to go ahead and assume the husband also wanted these children they've both had and been trying to have so it does hugely benefit him), there are more tactful ways of discussing it which show you do actually give a shit and appreciate someone else has done all of the heavy lifting so you could benefit.

Nope. My point is quite simply:

DH: I want something that involves you having surgery, or doing something to your body
Me: No

It’s the same, regardless of how many times someone has been through whatever before.

Unfortunately, I think the reality is that with biology, it’s not realistic to ‘share the load’.

I’m also not getting an impression from op that the subject of a vasectomy was brought up in a very sensible way either. Hence the snap response.

She is no more obligated than he is to do something to her body she doesn't want to.

I’m also not getting an impression from op that the subject of a vasectomy was brought up in a very sensible way either. Hence the snap response

How are you getting this impression? Literally all she said is she asked if he'd consider getting a vasectomy. Which is surely a perfectly reasonable thing for married couples to discuss, especially in this couples situation.

It’s the same, regardless of how many times someone has been through whatever before

Meh we'll agree to disagree then. I don't think the saying no is selfish, you're perfectly entitled to say no when it comes to anything about your own body, like OP is entitled to say no to anymore contraception she is required to put into her body (which PPs are so happy to keep suggesting to her mind). But I do think when your partner has been through what OP has, and you have benefitted from that by way of your child, it is selfish to not at least acknowledge that and make some suggestions yourself instead.

I’m not the only poster who has alluded to this.

Op hasn’t been very clear about how the discussion went really. Her post gives the impression that these were internal thoughts and then she just suddenly brought up the idea of a vasectomy. She does clarify that she didn’t get a chance to give her point of view. IMO, she should have started with her point of view, possibly a recap of where they currently are. Maybe asked about his feelings on the matter or condoms, but sounds to me like she went straight in for the surgery option. His response also gives me the impression he may not actually know much about the procedure and has maybe panicked a bit.

I also think this is something they should have talked about a while ago in terms of planning future contraception.

But either way, it’s his decision.

Again, it’s not tit for tat when it comes to people’s bodies.

Although horrible as the whole process was, and must have also been a total drain on mental health, OP made the active decision to continue putting her body through this despite knowing there would be risks. The Op could have chosen to stop this earlier. This doesn’t mean her husband owes her surgery.

I think it is likely that the op’s husband was a bit blindsided by the suggestion at the time and i’m sure they’ll go on to have further and more proactive conversations about it all.

But either way, it’s his decision

I agree.

I also think in order to be a decent partner or spouse it's good to acknowledge and be respectful of the fact men very very rarely do any of the work when it comes to things like contraception and certainly none of it when it comes to childbearing, miscarriages, IVF etc..

It's fine to say no. But just acknowledge what the other person has put their body through for you and take the lead for once by making some suggestions of your own.

This doesn’t mean her husband owes her surgery

I have, at no point whatsoever, suggested that it does mean this. In fact in pretty much every reply I have agreed that he does not have to and should not have to agree to a vasectomy he doesn't want.

It's not about that. It's about having respect and appreciation for what your partner has put her body through in order to gain something as precious as your child, which I assume he also wanted, and just handling the situation tactfully.

I am not saying he should agree if he doesn't want to.

Couldn't agree more.

How often do you have sex OP? Does your DH want more? Is he happy with condoms?

I haven’t been on bc since my early 20s and I’d never go back to hormonal contraception. Getting off it was the best thing I did for my body. I’ve told DH, condoms or no sex and if he wants to stop using condoms then he has to get the snip.

He might change his mind in time OP. I think it’s just common reaction from men to say no like we’re taking their ‘manhood’ away or whatever.

I haven’t been on bc since my early 20s and I’d never go back to hormonal contraception. Getting off it was the best thing I did for my body

I stopped bc about 4 years ago now and I'd never go back. I didn't realise what it was doing to me until i stopped. I have had these conversations with my own husband before. He doesn't want the snip, no worries. But it's condoms then or nothing.

He did moan at first when I said I wouldn't be taking contraception anymore (call it tit for tat if you want really don't care, my body has been through hell for us so I'm not doing it anymore now we have DC). Refused the snip, fine. Didn't want to use condoms either, fine. Didn't want to abstain though either. Not fine. Funnily he now happily uses condoms...

DH isn't a bad man. But I do just think men in general are not brought up to consider contraception their issue. It's for women to deal with and always has been. And I'm very happy to see more women putting the onus onto their male partners for a change to sort it out instead.

As someone, who’s been through ivf a few times, was left with life changing chronic pain during and post pregnancy and had a lot of issues before my hysterectomy I’d be pissed off with that response. My answer for now would be complete abstention.

He’s absolutely pathetic and I make no bones about it.

Sorry OP. Full sympathy from me.

I’ve said this before on here, but I remember as a young teenager, my father saying it was the least a man could do for the woman he loved, after everything a woman goes through.

My own DH offered, when we knew our family was complete.

It’s what decent men do.

And ‘my body, my choice’?! There aren’t enough eye rolls on the world, for this pathetic get-out excuse - piggy-backing on something that actually means something for women.

By saying ‘my body, my choice’, as a man, you’re forcing a woman to ONCE AGAIN take the full physical load and risk. You’re not letting her say ‘my body, my choice’.

It’s honestly so pathetic, and I’m sorry for any woman who’s forced into the position of apologising and excusing these sub-standard men, because they’re lumbered with them.

I know this post is going to anger some people. So be it.

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

If he doesn’t want to undergo a surgical procedure then he doesn’t have to.

It is terribly unfair that women have the biological burden when it comes to babies. I’ve had a stillbirth and miscarriage myself and needed mental health support to get me through pregnancies. One pregnancy nearly killed me. I asked my dp about vasectomy and he said he couldn’t do it. He looked a bit spooked in fact when we talked about it. So I accepted it and left it there. Condoms it is.

His body, his choice though he should be wearing a condom every encounter.

It sounds like you need to concentrate all your energy on getting your body as repaired and as comfortable as possible. Do you have a good physiotherapist and gynecologist?

Right now, understandably, you do not want another child but will you feel this way in two years?
You both might opt for legal surrogacy.
You might want to have an operation yourself.
You might break up and marry a new man who has had the snip already.

*And ‘my body, my choice’?! There aren’t enough eye rolls on the world, for this pathetic get-out excuse - piggy-backing on something that actually means something for women.

By saying ‘my body, my choice’, as a man, you’re forcing a woman to ONCE AGAIN take the full physical load and risk. You’re not letting her say ‘my body, my choice’.*

Exactly, @SlumberDearMaid. Thank you for putting it so clearly.

Another option for @Mumsgotaheadache01 might be a full hysterectomy. Could also relieve the other problems, even if not totally. But it's a major surgery, more physical trauma, with risks and a long recovery. Having a young child with additional needs, she'd need to be very sure she could rely on her husband's full support ...

My.previous partner was all up for a vasectomy so we could ditch condoms-his choice not mine. A few days later he started back tracking. I asked why , he was concerned that it might affect his ability to get an erection. Could this be a reason?. I can understand you feeling hurt by his response. If he he'd said it in a less clumsy way and suggested condoms, that would have been better. It may have been a clumsy knee jerk reaction .

Of course you can’t make someone undergo a surgical procedure so ultimately it is his choice.But @Mumsgotaheadache01 you do say he is a decent man and generally a good husband. To give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was just startled by your suggestion and his immediate reaction was No. After all, you may have been pondering the idea for a while whereas it sounds like he had not considered it before.
Keep talking to him and trying to get your feelings across. The best thing is to communicate & hopefully he will eventually be able to see things from your point of view and thus agree it is his time to suffer some short term pain for the overall benefit of you both.