To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

If OP fell under a bus tomorrow he might want other children with a future partner. He doesn't have to be 'uncommitted' not to want to rule out that possibility.

I decided not to get my tubes tied even though I definitely don't want more kids and am too old. It just felt upsetting in some way.

His body his choice.

Pocketbattle, don't you think OP has been through enough. It is a simple procedure that he can undertake to help both of them have a happier more relaxed sex life and help keep his wife safe from such future trauma. He didn't even want to discuss it. Just shut her down straight away. Suggesting op have her tubes tied after such trauma is awful.

No sex

@adriftinadenofvipers

No, I never said she should footfall the responsibility either.

I certainly wouldn't (actually I'm 37 and never taken the pill).

She can decide not to take anything, forever, same as me and a lot of other women. And.... he can also reject having surgery.

That leaves them, in this situation, with no sex - which is an option!

Where are you reading he doesn't give a shit? I assume they both mutually agreed to try for the last child-and I'll bet if her husband had said "I can't possibly let you get pregnant again because it's too much for you" even though she WANTED to try for another baby at that point, that'd be controlling and wrong of him too. It's not his body and he has no say in what she's willing to put herself through-obviously OP has decided no more, so they'll have to come up with something else contraception-wise. How do you know what crosses his mind? Lol you don't even know him.

I have bad eyesight and complain endlessly about it-I'm sure laser is super safe and effective, still doesn't mean I'm gonna get it nytime soon tho-I'm certainly not going to be bullied into it. Every surgery has risks.

Firstly U am so sorry for your losses. You've had a really tough time.

YANBU for your reaction however while his answer wording was insensitive, the refusal is his fundamental right. I think it's wrong to pressurise and emotionally blackmail him into giving up his fertility, this should be entirely his decision. Making him read out a list of consequences to you is cruel and treating him like a naughty school boy. It's guilting him into agreeing which will result in resentment if the decision isn't entirely his.

On a personal level of course i'd be upset because he isn't physically sacrificing for me and because he is leaving his options open to maybe have another child with another woman.

Maybe this is one symptom of many in your relarionship that it isn't going well and that even if he had a vasectomy your sex life might not improve.

And who knows, maybe OPs hubby is fine having no sex (it's apparently rare as it is) but it's OP who wants to get their sex life back, even though it's painful for her. If he's fine being abstinent is that wrong too if OP wants a sex life? The goalposts are always changing-it's always "wear a condom" which he might be fine with but in this case there's still a small risk of pregnancy which OP can't risk, so it's "ok well then he should be abstinent forever then" which again he might actually be fine with, but OP wants to have sex so that's not an option either. Clearly he must get a vasectomy then or else he's a completely selfish bastard...

@adriftinadenofvipers Because biology is unfair, and that's just how it is. There are many good contraceptive options for women, but for men, it's condoms or irreversible surgery.

Yes, OP has had some awful experiences. Making OP's husband have a procedure he does wsnt does not undo that. And yes, OP has had to do all the pregnancy stuff, but as a couple, the best contraception choice is often a mirena or implant.

No one should have to have an operation because their baby making services are no longer required, it is not a competition.

Sure each person should use contraception if they don't want a baby

I think context wise it really shows how little regard he has for you. He'd rather continue to put you through hell than have a quick procedure that doesn't even involve an overnight stay.

That's not love.

Yes, he's body his choice. But if the person I loved had suffered half as much as you for our relationship and your health I'd take one for the team. He's a selfish bastard and has had an empathy bypass.

He's not partnership material.

Get out whilst you can.

That being said, ypu should take a leaf from his book. I wouldn't be having sex anymore in your position. At least, certainly not without condoms.
I'd probably also get my tubes tied tbh because you might not want to be with him forever and the next guy may not have a vasectomy.

Hope he likes condoms then.

Sorry I think this response is ridiculous and so OTT. Telling someone to leave their partner because they won’t have surgery is insane.

Suffering? Having children is a choice no one should endlessly put their body through suffering then blame someone else for it

No one is forced to try for a child

@Pinkbonbon Having a mirena is putting OP through hell? What rubbish.

It's not fair that OP has been through what she has, but that's just bad luck. It's a separate issue to future contraception choice

I'm bewildered by the sheer weight of "his body his choice" arguments here. I've reached the conclusion it must be necessary to state the obvious:

• Women get pregnant. This is always a life-threatening enterprise; in some cases like OP's, the risks are severe.
• Men don't get pregnant. Pregnancy never puts a man's health at risk.
• Men cause pregnancy in women.

Therefore, the "body - choice" situation is shared by a man and woman who have sex without contraception. Every time a man ejaculates into a woman, he makes a choice about her body.

I feel like I'm talking to a class of nine-year-olds, but I'll soldier on. When we're considering a committed couple, everything that happens to the woman's body in relation to sex and conception is a joint responsibility.

If pregnancy is dangerous (or even undesirable, tbh) to the woman, it's the man's responsibility not to impregnate her. How he chooses to do this may be up for discussion but, if she can't safely use hormonal contraception or be surgically sterilised, he's only got two choices: vasectomy or abstention until her menopause is complete.

He in no way needs to have the procedure and she doesn't have to have sex.

Why won't the op answer about getting her tubes tied as ultimately she has the problem.

If they split up is she going to demand every man she sleeps with has a vasectomy?

Yeah sorry I don’t agree with you. Plus you are incredibly patronising.

You talk a lot about men causing pregnancy in women, but with the exception of rape of course, women have an equal part in that decision to have sex.

I don’t really agree that the automatic solution for all contraception after people are done having kids is for men to get surgery. Regardless of the reason for not wanting more kids. Use contraception (on both sides) or don’t have sex.

@Garlickit But she hasn't said that it's not safe for her to use hormonal contraception. If that were the case, it would be different.

I think she's fallen into the trap of thinking that she wants to "even things up".

Of course contraception is a joint responsibility. Which means it doesn't mean that it's the husband's turn just because it's "fair". Biology isn't fair. They need to make a contraceptive decision that takes into account pros and cons for both of them.

Surely he can say no whilst acknowledging that OP has been the one to do all of the very heavy lifting during their relationship in this department so far!

I felt the same when my husbands response initially was that he didn't want someone touching his 'parts'. After I'd been through years of very similar things to OP and felt like I had a doctors hand constantly up mine! It is selfish. Not the saying no but the reasons why. And honestly it's just another way in which some men just lack a complete understanding of what women have to go through and how I think just as a society in general it is absolutely not viewed as a joint responsibility when it comes to contraception.

You do understand what "abstention" means?

Of course I'm being patronising. I'm sick of reading comments like "ultimately she has the problem". She doesn't make herself pregnant. Most married couples like to have sex. So THEY have the problem.

Possibly all these unbelievably dismissive replies are from men with no experience of traumatic childbirth and sweeping ignorance of female reproductive health, because they really seem to have no idea of what OP's describing and why their offhand suggestions are so grim.

That's exactly what I meant.
2% is a huge risk when you can't afford ANY risk.

Saying ‘she has the problem’ is totally different from your earlier issue with ‘his body, his choice’.

And no, I don’t think the posters on here on men. I myself literally posted earlier that I knew I would have a second c section and I chose to knowingly put my body through that. If I had said to my DH that I don’t want a second child because I don’t want to put my body through that, he would have respected that. We respect decisions people make for their own bodies.

My DH and I actually had a thorough discussion and agreement before trying to have children that if we couldn’t conceive naturally, then we would not have any children, as I had no desire to put my body through IVF. The op chose differently.

It’s not a competition or ‘tit for tat’ when it comes to our own bodies.

I would have opened the conversation with condoms rather than immediately suggesting vasectomy

YABU.

Get a coil. Wear condoms… you CANNOT dictate that another person get a vasectomy. That’s insane!

If I had said to my DH that I don’t want a second child because I don’t want to put my body through that, he would have respected that

Surely the only way it's a comparable situation is if your husband had previously had several c sections and then your only response to being asked to share the load a bit by having one yourself was "god I'm not putting my body through that".

Of course its fine to say no, it is his body his choice and he shouldn't agree if he doesn't want to. But the reasoning and the way it's said tells you a lot. He could have said, I'm not comfortable with that but I know you've really been through it so how about we try condoms (or insert another suggestion here).