To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

Can you tell me the ‘cons’ for a man of a woman taking hormonal contraception?

Not really different are they. Both involve preventing one of the sex cells from being able to fuse with the other.

It’s the DHs body. His choice. End of.

I understand it is easier for men but men deserve the same rights as women.

Yes. This is really what we need to be fighting for right now.

It’s completely and utterly unreasonable and I think men who refuse as they don’t want the pain / feeling uncomfortable for a couple of days are a joke. I wouldn’t be having sex at all with him if he can’t do this. His body, his choice; but also your choice not to have sex with him.

If you can't see the difference then I don't know what to say.

Plus with all of OPs other health issues, that additional context is vital

He could freeze sperm if he was that concerned.

In my opinion OP is fully valid and I don't know any husbands that wouldn't do the best thing for their family and also the intimate lives of the couple.

He's not saying you haven't been through hell. He's saying he doesn't want an operation. It's not a competition who has it worst.

I don’t know…why don’t you try reading the OP and see if you can find the answer there?

I had a vasectomy in 1994, no probs with the procedure, I was actually less nervous than I would be if I was going to the dentist. Only issue I had was the next day I went for a longish walk (not recommended) and my left nut swelled up a bit but was fine within a couple of days. Perversely my wife initially refused to sign the consent form because she said she didn't want sex with a man that fired blanks. We already had 5 children (5 under 8 years old), twin daughters came along last. I think my wife wanted as many children as her mother, who'd had 9.

My niece was born three years after my brother's vasectomy. A vasectomy is 99.9% effective. A condom is 98% effective. A vasectomy is more effective, but not that much more.

All those implying the husband should be forced to have a vasectomy and and laughing off body autonomy...would you be saying a man who doesn't want a baby from say a 1 night stand should be able to force the woman into an abortion?

No. Didn't think so.

@PocketBattleship I am so sorry for your situation, and there are 2 people responsible for making sure you don't get pregnant again. But whilst his wording was probably knee keep and insensitive, you cannot force him to have a non reversable surgery.

Condoms, a cap, the femal condom, the copper coil are all non hormonal methods that you could both consider.

But ultimately one of you having surgery or 100% abstinence of intercourse are the only sure fire way you won't get pregnant.

You both need to calmly discuss this when things maybe aren't so raw.

My husband had a vasectomy willingly. Was really good about it.

However he unfortunately is one of those men for whom the procedure caused ongoing pain. He can go about three days before pain builds up in his balls. At that point he needs to take painkillers or clear out the pressure by ejaculation. Masturbation isn't as effective as having sex for easing the pain.

I really feel for him because he's such a decent bloke and it's awful to see him struggle along with this. There's nothing the drs can do for it.

On the other hand we make a real effort to keep sex regular now 😁

It is his body, and it is his choice.

And it doesn't matter whether his reasons are good, bad, selfish or whatever, they are his wishes and even when inconvenient they need to be respected.

Would you like it if your DH told you that you had to have surgery? That had no physical benefit to you, but would make a difference to him, so that should make you happy? And selfish/unloving if you didn't? Of course you wouldn't.

Also, OP needs to be aware that it is strongly recommended that surgery to remove fertility is not carried out within a year of certain significant life changes (because of this high levels of those seeking reversal). With a loss that OP describes as recent, it would be a significant departure from good practice to refer at this point (private or NHS)

So assuming it would take a year to be referred at all, then the waiting time, OP is looking at a significant period where other contraception will be needed. That needs sorting out completely separately from whether either of then ever opts to consent to a surgical procedure.

OP I just wanted to say however sorry I am to read about your recent loss 💐

He can also just freeze endless straws of his sperm in that scenario. It freezes rather well.

I personally can’t have a Mirena coil fitted without sedation as I have endometriosis. What works for you doesn’t translate to appropriate for everyone.

He literally shut down the discussion

My ex husband claims to have pain from his vasectomy however he didn't bother following his post operation instructions and he only had issues when his girlfriend decided she wanted children

H refuses to even think about a vasectomy and 'doesn't like' condoms, so we haven't had sex since 2020. For many reasons I cannot ever be pregnant and go through birth control/ abortion / miscarriage ever again.

There's a way to resolve it but he won't. So we'll divorce eventually.

2 operations later severe infection later talk off losing a testical and bouts of regular pain for what I was told for the rest off my life and so far there not wrong

please don’t just dismiss it as “not a big thing “

Just to say that my husband did follow all instructions to the letter. He was just one of the unlucky ones.

Is he happy to use condoms? Or is he expecting you to continue to be in charge of contraception?

I understand feeling surprised/upset by his refusal, but I do agree with posters saying his refusal is not unreasonable.

Presumably you wanted children, chose to try for a baby/go through IVF, chose to try again after miscarriages. It was not something that your partner imposed on you (I hope) but something that you actively wanted to do.

There's no equivalence to be had here - you've been through a lot, but that doesn't mean he's obliged to suffer equally (or at all).

Don't do anything that you don't want to do/feel will negatively impact your health, and don't expect him to either. 🤷🏻

I would lose respect for any man who had the barefaced cheek to present vasectomy as an ordeal after what OP has been through. I'd likely not want to have sex with him after his complete lack of acknowledgement of all I had been through. So there - contraception sorted.

So many people bleating on about 'his body, his choice'. Yes, technically and legally. But please let's not pretend they are not a couple and the decision does not affect them both - it very clearly does.

DH and I see this really differently to how so many of you are representing it - more in line with how @Garlickit has described. Contraception is an 'us' problem, not a 'me' problem with DH being a bit 'whatever' about it. We are a team.

Feel sorry for any of you whose DH's have watched you go through pregnancy and birth and then started howling at the thought of a lunchtime procedure with a couple of days' bruising - which is what it is for the majority of men. I mean honestly it is so pathetic of any man to react like that. It's so entitled to just expect the woman to deal with it.

I don't buy the argument that because pregnancy is risky to women, then men should be the ones to have surgery.

The person who doesn't want to have any more children has the responsibility to prevent that from happening regardless of their sex.

I never want children but I'd never even consider asking DH to have a vasectomy.

Who has suggested ‘forcing’ the husband?? How would that even happen? Of course he should be allowed to say no. Most sensible posters see that he should not have immediately shut down the discussion and that’s the upsetting thing for the OP.

But many servile doormats like you clearly think that she is wrong to mind about that.

OP asked if he would THINK about it, and he shut down the conversation before they could even discuss it.
I think that's pretty selfish.