Christmas has descended into chaos

[Ladyritacircumference]

I need to find out if I am unreasonable, I am diagnosed autistic with ADHD. I often struggle with these things.

So I said to DS in the summer that this year I won’t be doing Christmas presents for adults in families with DC, just DC. I did get a gift for my other sister because she has no DC or OH.

I am 100% sure that I communicated this. I recall her reaction which was ‘err, um ok.’ And I can visualise the place where the conversation happened. We don’t do big presents among adults in the family, they are always along the lines of a bottle of bubble bath, or a box of biscuits. A bit like a crap secret Santa. All the DS and their partners have good jobs and get themselves the things they want. For me the decision not to give to adults was that I find the cognitive load of Christmas totally overwhelming. I struggle with SAD and anxiety. I also have very little money and to me the extra cost does make a difference. I was able to get her children something better.

I dropped off the gifts for her kids on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Day, she gave me a gift when we met at my mothers. She said she was ‘very upset’. That there wasn’t gifts for her and her husband. I reminded her that I said I was only doing gifts for adults and told her that months ago when we started discussing Christmas arrangements.

She will never accept that I did tell her months ago that I wasn’t doing gifts for adults. So, I apologised to diffuse the situation. If I had forgotten to tell her, (which I really don’t think is the case) I didn’t do this with malice. Why would I seek to cause offence and bring problems on myself. I have occasionally forgotten people’s gifts in the past, I really struggle with this time of year, and organising life generally. I went home as I have covid, and woke up this morning to my mother on my doorstep.

She made me come outside. She was screeching at me in the street. She said she wanted all my neighbours to hear. My mother returned the gift I had given her, and then told me I was a totally horrible person for not having given gifts and for missing out younger sisters gift one year in the past.

She said I should have gone and wrapped something up for them. I don’t have anything suitable in the house. I didn’t buy in any Christmas stuff, I don’t drink, so no bottles of booze and no one has given me anything I could re-gift. Between 2pm on Christmas Day and 10am today I had been in bed with covid.

she also said I was horrible for cancelling younger sister coming round to visit me 20 and my kids years ago. I cancelled that visit as I was suffering from anxiety and had a panic attack because I can’t cope with people being in my house. I had called my crisis team worker who had told me to address the problem by taking control of the situation and cancel the visit. My mother said this was a horrible thing to do to my little sister.

The reason I can’t cope with people coming in to my house over the last 20 years is because it is a mess and my mother tells me this to my face, how disgusting and lazy I am. I was a single parent working full time so I figured the house would never be sparkling tidy.

I don’t invite her round because she makes negative comments about what a mess things are. In fact, every time she ever can round she has a go at me for things being messy or dirty… so to prevent this I don’t invite her.

She stood in the street screeching at me telling me I am a horrible person and dumped the present I got her on my doorstep. I obviously couldn’t say anything, just waited until she had finished.

How can I try and make things better? Do I return the gift that my sister gave me? I haven’t gone and got her anything because I worried that it wouldn’t be received and it would be an afterthought. I haven’t done any of these things to cause hurt. I think what my mother did was directly calculated to cause hurt, which is the thing that bothers me the most.

Your family is horrible. You are not at fault here, they are. Don’t apologise, you did nothing wrong. Don’t buy them presents now, they will still be horrible to you because it’s only due to their whinging that you want to get them anything and their attitude won’t change.

💯 this. You do not feed a fire, you starve it of oxygen.

Screeching abuse at you in the street, is it? Classy lady.

Echoing everyone else (except the person who seems to believe that buying shite from the pound shop fixes this level of dysfunction): it's not surprising that you struggle with people like that around you.

Absolutely not.

Im sorry this is your family and I’m sure you love them but they are arseholes. They should not be speaking to you like that, nothing sound good or healthy in the way your mother speaks to you. You deserve better and no wonder you are having issues with anxiety with them around. I wouldn’t speak to them again but then I’m like that and it wouldn’t affect me. You really need to think about this but one thing you don’t do is DO NOT apologise.

I’d be thinking WhatsApp to family chat or letter stating as I discussed with… in (whatever month) I wouldn’t be giving adults gifts this year just their children. I’m disappointed at how you have chosen to deal with your feelings on the matter, I am unwilling to put up with being spoken to like that.

Not sure what else but then I’d be blocking them and it would be the end from me.

Let her have her tantrum. Just ignore it.

You've done nothing wrong, OP. Enjoy some time with your kids.x.

Hey OP’s mum @peakygold - what would actually have avoided all of this is respecting boundaries and not being a bully. People who push ‘family is family’ as an excuse for bad behaviour are generally the ones who don’t deserve to have family around them. HtH.

@peakygold how vile are you? Encouraging a vulnerable person to continue to be abused by their scumbag relatives because..genes?

You very sadly have a toxic family, as do I. They probably cause the majority of your MH problems, as do mine. You need to limit or stop your contact with them and give yourself a chance to breathe.

Please come over to the stately homes thread we will all understand.

Your mother yelled at you in the street because she wanted your neighbours to hear? Absolutely deranged.

It doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong. Christmas is busy, overwhelming and can be difficult for a lot of people especially nuerodivergent people. My eldest child is nuerodiverse and struggles immensely with Christmas as it's to overwhelming. My job as a parent is to make it easier for him not more difficulties. He is only 11 but I can't see me ever not trying to help him if he needs it. You communicated you couldn't do it months ago that should have been the end of it.

Your mother is horrible, sorry. It's your prerogative not to do adult gifts.

I'd block, not respond at all and focus on your family life with your children. Do you have good friends?

I am so sorry you are related to these awful people OP. You have done nothing wrong.
You do not have to make it better. They should, but probably won’t., apologise to you.
You never have to step out into the street to be berated by your mother or anyone else. She does not have that right.
Mute them on social media; block their calls; take some time away from these unkind people.

I'd never speak to someone again if they shouted at me in the street to "shame me". Don't apologise, don't return presents. Just cut them off.

Bloody hell, you poor thing. Your family are horrible and abusive and you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. You sound lovely.

Honestly, I would want nothing to do with your mother and sister if I were you.

@peakygold , I don't think 'tat' from the poundshop would have made a difference. They would have found another stick to beat the OP with. I'm guessing they have been doing the same thing for most of her life. They have turned a simple misunderstanding (OP told them in July and they forgot) into a major drama because of their own issues, and because they clearly thrive on drama. The OP doesn't have to enable their toxic behaviours.

This is awful op. It's drastic, but you need to go no contact with your family. No one has any right to treat someone this way, you deserve so much better.

BTW we do this in my family - gifts only for DC. It works really well and none of the adults have ever had a problem with it. We all have enough stuff.

I'm sorry that your family have been so awful to you.

No wonder you have anxiety! We did the same this year in our family. We just gave nice gifts to the kids and not the adults. It was much better and meant all the children got nice gifts and we adults just enjoyed each others company. No one should be rude to you about not buying a gift even if they bought you one. They are bullying you and it wrong!

Thank you so much everyone who has commented.

I agree that in hindsight a few bits of tat from the pound shop would have prevented all this. The irony is that I was trying to improve my life admin and manage my condition by simplifying things.

I don’t have anyone to talk to about this in real life. Everyone I have knows the whole family so it would be unfair.

Thank you once again everyone. I really struggled with this.

Your family are horrible, deeply unpleasant people.

I know it is easier said than done, but you need to remove them from your life. Your mental health will improve because I guarantee that they are the root of your MH issues.

These people are adults? Sound like spoiled brats. Whether they forgot what you said or whatever, who the heck gets angry about this sort of thing? As soon as my adult stepkids had children I stopped giving them gifts and just got stuff fir their kids - they never said a word - why would they? They were always grateful when I did buy them gifts and certainly didn't expect it.
Even my own kids know how to behave better than this.

No, please stop that - you're still trying to find things that you could've done to make everyone happy enough that they weren't angry at you, AKA "reasons that this is my fault".

The fault is not yours. Your family are toxic, and they're taking advantage of your disability (I don't like calling it that, but it's a useful way to look at it) in order to make themselves feel right and superior. There is absolutely nothing you could've done to avoid this, because - as evidenced by the way they dragged up petty issues from the distant past to further beat you down - that kind of person will always find something.

Jeezo @Ladyritacircumference I'm so sorry you're going through this. You have done nothing wrong.

Take care of yourself, you don't deserve these awful people in your life.

‘I agree that in hindsight a few bits of tat from the pound shop would have prevented all this.’
NO. Please disregard what @peakygold wrote. Notice how everyone else is saying the same thing- your relatives are abusing you.

Take comfort in the fact that your mum screeching at you in the street makes her look unhinged. She will have emarrassed herself.

You need to disengage from your toxic family. Your mental health will improve in leaps and bounds if you cut them out of your life.