I need to find out if I am unreasonable, I am diagnosed autistic with ADHD. I often struggle with these things.
So I said to DS in the summer that this year I won’t be doing Christmas presents for adults in families with DC, just DC. I did get a gift for my other sister because she has no DC or OH.
I am 100% sure that I communicated this. I recall her reaction which was ‘err, um ok.’ And I can visualise the place where the conversation happened. We don’t do big presents among adults in the family, they are always along the lines of a bottle of bubble bath, or a box of biscuits. A bit like a crap secret Santa. All the DS and their partners have good jobs and get themselves the things they want. For me the decision not to give to adults was that I find the cognitive load of Christmas totally overwhelming. I struggle with SAD and anxiety. I also have very little money and to me the extra cost does make a difference. I was able to get her children something better.
I dropped off the gifts for her kids on Christmas Eve.
Christmas Day, she gave me a gift when we met at my mothers. She said she was ‘very upset’. That there wasn’t gifts for her and her husband. I reminded her that I said I was only doing gifts for adults and told her that months ago when we started discussing Christmas arrangements.
She will never accept that I did tell her months ago that I wasn’t doing gifts for adults. So, I apologised to diffuse the situation. If I had forgotten to tell her, (which I really don’t think is the case) I didn’t do this with malice. Why would I seek to cause offence and bring problems on myself. I have occasionally forgotten people’s gifts in the past, I really struggle with this time of year, and organising life generally. I went home as I have covid, and woke up this morning to my mother on my doorstep.
She made me come outside. She was screeching at me in the street. She said she wanted all my neighbours to hear. My mother returned the gift I had given her, and then told me I was a totally horrible person for not having given gifts and for missing out younger sisters gift one year in the past.
She said I should have gone and wrapped something up for them. I don’t have anything suitable in the house. I didn’t buy in any Christmas stuff, I don’t drink, so no bottles of booze and no one has given me anything I could re-gift. Between 2pm on Christmas Day and 10am today I had been in bed with covid.
she also said I was horrible for cancelling younger sister coming round to visit me 20 and my kids years ago. I cancelled that visit as I was suffering from anxiety and had a panic attack because I can’t cope with people being in my house. I had called my crisis team worker who had told me to address the problem by taking control of the situation and cancel the visit. My mother said this was a horrible thing to do to my little sister.
The reason I can’t cope with people coming in to my house over the last 20 years is because it is a mess and my mother tells me this to my face, how disgusting and lazy I am. I was a single parent working full time so I figured the house would never be sparkling tidy.
I don’t invite her round because she makes negative comments about what a mess things are. In fact, every time she ever can round she has a go at me for things being messy or dirty… so to prevent this I don’t invite her.
She stood in the street screeching at me telling me I am a horrible person and dumped the present I got her on my doorstep. I obviously couldn’t say anything, just waited until she had finished.
How can I try and make things better? Do I return the gift that my sister gave me? I haven’t gone and got her anything because I worried that it wouldn’t be received and it would be an afterthought. I haven’t done any of these things to cause hurt. I think what my mother did was directly calculated to cause hurt, which is the thing that bothers me the most.