I’ve started throwing out whatever DH leaves on the floor

[Lollibert]

I’m at my wits end I don’t know how else to get through to My DH he leaves dirty socks on the floor, his dirty clothes, his leaves dirty dishes on the table leaves empty packets of his snacks everywhere now in the beginning I didn’t mind my DH works and I keep the home, I cook and clean and that was fine until I became a mum, and found out very quickly that cooking and cleaning childless vs cooking and cleaning when u have a child are too very different things, this all I ask of him,
one: put your dirty dishes in the sink you don’t have to wash it just please put it in the sink and pour a little water over the top until I can get to it (as I hate when he leaves it out and the food on the plate drys and becomes hard to get off)

two: put your dirty laundry in the washing basket

three: put your empty packets in the bin

four: take off your shoes at the door (he tracks mud in)

is that seriously too hard of a thing? We’ve had arguments where he said he works all day and I know he does he has a very physically demanding job and we ended up having so many arguments about it that he said fine he will do what I ask to save the arguments, that’s great except he still doesn’t do it says he forgot, if I remind him before he gets the chance to forget he says I nag him, so I think I had a mental break down tonight and threw out the dishes he left out on the table threw out the clothes he left on the floor threw out his muddy shoes that he was kind enough to take off IN THE LIVING ROOM after getting a trail of mud on the living room carpet which left me cleaning up a trail of mud and I swore to him from now on this is how it’s going to be I will throw out whatever he leaves out and I really don’t want to but I’m serious I can’t be the one in the wrong for this am I living in an alternate universe I don’t know how to get through to this man and he is so good in every other way except this I just can’t understand it

I wouldn’t throw it all out per se, but I’d put all his crap in a bin bag and tell him he has to sort it. Once his clothes get put in a bag with his dirty dishes and wrappers etc that should give him the motivation to sort it. If not, I would leave anyone who genuinely couldn’t see the problem with being that unhygienic.

I suggested it because I wouldn't be putting up with it so it would be a way of making steps towards divorce but also because it seems to be part of the issue. He said himself ''I work'', ultimately he sees it as OP's job to clean up after him because he has a job outside of the home and she doesn't.

She is working: she’s looking after his baby. Childcare workers and teachers get paid.OP’s arrangement is simply cutting out a round robin of cash whereby she pays for childcare by going to work to earn money to pay for childcare. If DH hasn’t pulled his weight more after having the baby there is no reason to feel confident he’d change after she got a job. I suspect it’s more of a “ girls work/ boys work “ issue that some people were brought up with. I know lots of families where the mum works and comes home exhausted to do the housework. Not acceptable but it happens. Woman having a job hasnt reprogrammed the mindset.

I had an XH like this. He was absolutely fine, 50/50 with housework and everything else until our second child was born, when I gave up work as there was no childcare. The very second I was bringing no money into the house, suddenly absolutely everything was 'my job'. All he did was get up, go to work, come home and eat. I cooked, cleaned, shopped, looked after two little ones (the baby was very high needs), sorted the cars, booked holidays; basically he didn't think he had to lift a finger. Okay, I could cope. Just. Then he started making life harder - dropping dirty clothes on the floor by the bed. Leaving his dinner plate on the floor by the sofa where he'd eaten. Etc.

I tried asking. I tried begging. I tried leaving his dirty clothes where they fell (which just meant a HUGE argument when he ran out, and me having to spend two days catching up with all his washing and ironing simply to get him to speak to me again).

We had more children. He didn't even help with Christmas shopping, had no idea what I had bought, and then moved us 350 miles from any family help, so I was left alone, very rurally with five kids. So I kicked him out. And, believe me, raising five kids as a single mother was a breeze, compared to having an argumentative man who believed that he could swan around boasting about his family etc, while I worked myself to a shadow in the background.

I didn't say looking after a baby isn't work? Of course it is.

Like I said, it isn't behaviour I'd accept so part of the reason why I'd get a job would be to make plans to leave if nothing did change.

As for the empty packets/wrappers?
My kids do this so this year they are getting them for Xmas. Every unbinned discarded packet or wrapper is being wrapped up and gifted back. Sick of it. You have my sympathies OP!

I wouldn't throw it out.

If you have the stamina just ignore it. Leave the shoes, the socks, the dropped towel, the used dishes, all exactly where he left them. See how long it takes.

It might be a long haul of many many weeks as he'll not stop until it causes him discomfort. Probably at the stage he runs out of underpants.

Alternatively can you put everything, dishes, socks, wrappers, the whole lot in a black bin bag in the garage, just keep adding to it.

I probably would take his shoes and chuck them outside the door. As this he'll go looking for sooner.

The rest will slowly dawn on him.

It's lazy disrespect. I had one like this and now I don't!

I don't think that asking him to rinse plates in the sink (not even wash them up), not trek mud in the house and put his clothes into the washing basket constitutes high standards!

She's asking for the bare minimum!

I think the problem with this strategy (see my post) is that the men make it "your problem." The disgusting mess, the unwashed laundry, the dropped wrappers - it's all because YOU, as a wife, have failed. They literally don't see that if THEY didn't drop it/leave it in the first place, it wouldn't be there at all, all they can see is that YOU haven't cleaned up.

And they use this stick to beat you remorselessly. You're a filthy slut, you're a rubbish housewife, your kids will get dysentry and be taken away from you, you should be keeping the place clean and tidy... They genuinely don't see the problem as being theirs.

This frustrates me majorly with my dp leaving his laundry on the floor of the bedroom but tells me not to put it in wash because he might wear it again. Put it somewhere else if you're going to wear it again!!!

He wakes up before me and brings his tea and breakfast upstairs to the bedroom whilst he gets properly dressed and every morning without fail when I wake up the plate will be on the bed, and any wrappers from crossiants and brioches etc will be on the floor or on the dressing table. Infuriating much!

When DH did this with dirty clothes I would fold them neatly and put them in the drawer/wardrobe dirty. It took a couple of weeks for the penny to drop that he'd been wearing dirty socks/shirts/underpants to work but it certainly helped him find his way to the washing basket.

When children were teenagers anything left lying around went into a box in the shed. They hated going in there to retrieve them because it's cold and dark and full of spiders (and the occasional mouse) so they definitely became tidier.

Has he always been like this?

I’m a house husband, and I’m afraid your other half is a misogynistic slob. My wife is very untidy and leaves things lying around, it drives me up the wall, but she isn’t anywhere near as slovenly as you describe your husband to be. If you let him carry on as he is, your children will likely follow his lead. I’m not sure i hold with throwing his stuff away, but i would just dump in in a “bin box” of some sort until he runs out of what he needs

Bravo! I think that it’s a great idea.

Hi
i don’t you if you are still interested in more opinions.
I think you are exhausted and his attitude drives you nuts but mostly because of your tiredness. Maybe he can understand that if you have a talk with him. Being angry will only make you sadder. Try to make him understand your point of view. But do t talk or yell about it when it is actually happening, wait for a good moment, when you are having a good time with him.
from what you said, he’s a good guy, so you just need to help him see where you need his help.
I hope you can work it out.

my husband is/was similar. I no longer wash his clothes. If they get left somewhere and I want to tidy up I put them in a black sack out of the way. The other month he was all confused because he had no clean socks and couldn’t find a clean hoody. I asked if he had washed any. The answer was no. I’m like well I guess they are mucky.
he isn’t bad for washing up any more but early on he was. I put up with mess and didn’t wash up for a week.
it’s been a big issue with us in general. I pointed out that he doesn’t ask me to hoover, doesn’t ask me to clean the bathroom ….. a long list of things. He has been a lot better even though not doing what he should be.

This isn’t a fair partnership and he’s taking the piss out of you. I’d carry on doing what you’re doing. Bag up everything he leaves around the house, if he can’t find what he needs, play dumb. Pile everything up outside in bags. Refuse to wash his clothes so he has to go to a laundrette and buy the beggar paper plates to eat off. If he doesn’t put them in the bin, pop them in the bin bags with the rest of his shite. I’d even take photos of everything and send them to his mother as a last resort or even his work colleagues! Slobby twat

I had the same I read a brilliant article by a man who's wife left him for leaving his tea cup on the side, I'm sure you can Google it. His wife got sick off the 1,000 indignities, all tiny but added up to her feeling unappreciated. The man was devastated and thought his marriage was great, he just didn't listen, it's a good read. It woke my husband up.
My husband really likes one of my friends who's husband is just the same, my husband is outraged on her behalf! She pulled him up about being as bad. He now picks up after himself. Early days he had a big storage footstool, everything left out, went in there, a long with dirty dishes, his laptop, mess, snacks etc I would stomp it in. He got the message.

I wouldn’t Chuck stuff out. He might go and buy more plates etc and then it’s going to cost you as a household to throw plates away needelessly.
I would be tempted to pile it all up in a box and put it down his side of the bed for example but throwing his pants away seems silly as he will need to buy more and that will cost you more as a married (or divorced) couple

I work ft as does DH, I don't have a problem doing everyone's washing (me, DH, 2 teens) provided they use the laundry basket. Its not a difficult system- If it's in the basket, I sort into light/dark and wash accordingly. What I'm not prepared to do (and feel like a skivvy) is hunt out dirty socks under sofa cushions, on the kitchen bench, retrieve dirty or wet pe kit from a bag or go through the assortment of clothes on the bedroom floor to ascertain which are definitely dirty and which could potentially be worn again.

Occassionally DH will make a big deal of asking me "please would you wash eg my golf jacket" --as if this is a rare favour. I've done all the washing for 20 years and never refused to wash anything - the request is that's it's put in the laundry bin, I've no idea why he finds it so complicated!

He sounds like my 16 year old son. Do some not get any better as they grow up?

I do it. I’m a serial thrower. My husband leaves his shoes on the floor in the middle of the kitchen. Not in the shoe cupboard 1 metre away… right in the middle of the kitchen. If I Am in the right mood, I open the door to the garden and lob them out. Good luck finding them out there.

Mostly I am
compliant and move them, but if I have had a bad day or he’s annoyed me..out they go. It’s not unusual on our house to find a shoe outside as we have dogs but it’s a guilty pleasure.

Stop nagging as it doesn't work. He may be very physically tired when he gets back from work and simply needs to rest for a bit. It's annoying but you can't change him but you can change how you react to him.

I wouldn’t throw it out, I’d put it all in a black bin bag everyday and put it in a cupboard/shed. Then when he misses something he will have to go and find it.

This made me smile. Kindred spirit. We have the same issue too here I have just left it to accumulate… he has a pile of clothes on the chair in his study for the last week most of which he needs for skiing next week. If they don’t end up in the basket by tomorrow it won’t get washed and he will just have to pack dirty socks, jumpers, base layers for his holiday… will let you know how my mini strike pans out…ps: I work full time