I’ve started throwing out whatever DH leaves on the floor

[Lollibert]

I’m at my wits end I don’t know how else to get through to My DH he leaves dirty socks on the floor, his dirty clothes, his leaves dirty dishes on the table leaves empty packets of his snacks everywhere now in the beginning I didn’t mind my DH works and I keep the home, I cook and clean and that was fine until I became a mum, and found out very quickly that cooking and cleaning childless vs cooking and cleaning when u have a child are too very different things, this all I ask of him,
one: put your dirty dishes in the sink you don’t have to wash it just please put it in the sink and pour a little water over the top until I can get to it (as I hate when he leaves it out and the food on the plate drys and becomes hard to get off)

two: put your dirty laundry in the washing basket

three: put your empty packets in the bin

four: take off your shoes at the door (he tracks mud in)

is that seriously too hard of a thing? We’ve had arguments where he said he works all day and I know he does he has a very physically demanding job and we ended up having so many arguments about it that he said fine he will do what I ask to save the arguments, that’s great except he still doesn’t do it says he forgot, if I remind him before he gets the chance to forget he says I nag him, so I think I had a mental break down tonight and threw out the dishes he left out on the table threw out the clothes he left on the floor threw out his muddy shoes that he was kind enough to take off IN THE LIVING ROOM after getting a trail of mud on the living room carpet which left me cleaning up a trail of mud and I swore to him from now on this is how it’s going to be I will throw out whatever he leaves out and I really don’t want to but I’m serious I can’t be the one in the wrong for this am I living in an alternate universe I don’t know how to get through to this man and he is so good in every other way except this I just can’t understand it

To the posters who say that mud tracked all over the house etc is a 'minor inconvenience', that is only true if you aren't the one constantly cleaning it up!
It's soul destroying to have to keep repeatedly clearing up after another adult. He is perfectly capable of putting a dish in the sink or removing his shoes, he just doesn't care enough to make it a priority!
The OP shouldn't have to live in someone else's dirt! I bet at work he doesn't just leave his shit all over the place, because there would be consequences!

I think that not all couples are meant to live together. If he's unwilling to change, you might want to consider separate houses. You shouldn't have to treat your husband like a baby or a dog you are trying your train - that would kill any attraction for me, having to teach my grown arse husband how to behave like an adult. But I would be tempted to leave a big laminated sign on the front door telling him to remove his boots. If he's tracking in mud, eventually he'll track in dog poo!

Hi OP.

This was me too. My husband is incapable of putting anything in the bin - the plastic pull off tops off a milk carton, the ring pulls from 'his' flavoured milk, empty packets/packaging/envelopes/carrier bags, he'd just leave them all on the side. He never did any washing and left dirty clothes on the floor. He'd empty the dishwasher but leave it all in the counter top. I used to put in all either in his work bag, his coat pocket or his shoes. He still didn't do anything about it. Then I collected all the bits of shit up in a show box and wrap it for his birthday or Christmas. He got arsey about it naturally. I've tried everything. Don't get me wrong, I can be a bit untidy when things are busy, but will always have a blitz every couple of days, but things aren't dirty. No matter how much I asked nicely, pleaded, or lost my rag - NOTHING CHANGED. He won't change. He doesn't respect you or see your relationship as a partnership. If you are unhappy you need to make a step to make you happy. I now sleep in the spare bedroom, I don't do his washing and I don't cook for him. I can't see it improving, but can't leave/end things right now.

I think you should get back to work OP. This relationship doesn’t seem to be working out and you don’t want to be trapped. I’d get back to work and try and save a cushion of money whilst in the relationship. Start operating like a single parent and see what it’s like and whether it’s something that you’d like.

I would stop doing his washing, ironing and cooking him meals. Stop doing anything that’s just for him. De-centre him from your life and focus on you and your baby. Get your career started. Get your child their free hours in childcare.

He is likely to sense your change in attitude. Be careful if he has been violent or abusive in the past as things could escalate.

This is no way to treat an adult in their own home who, I assume, pays at least half the mortgage too. You are treating him more like a child which will have a bad effect on your adult relationship eventually. However, it cuts both ways and you aren’t responsible for cleaning up his mess, he is.

I agree.

I know someone who did this with her husband's pants. Threw them in the bin every time, it did work apparently but it was just the pants.

In all seriousness though if he still can't/won't change his habits can he entertain the baby/do bedtime every evening whilst you clean up? Or can he pay for a cleaner? I do think he should be tidying up after himself but sometimes a compromise is just easier.

If you split up, you will be expected to get a job. You either tolerate his mess and look on it as a trade off for not working and contributing to household finances, or you find a job. Having a job gives you proper options.
You are making yourself so vulnerable. You cannot depend on someone else to provide for you financially forever. Take a proper look at what you want your future to look like and work towards achieving this goal.

must be so frustrating because you can’t get why he doesn’t do simple things. And you want the relationship to work not leave him.

odd he can’t get it. And sounds like he has no answer.

you said he works 5-5 x6 days a week in.a physical job. That is a brutal schedule. Does he enjoy it?

Does he follow instructions all day or have to think for himself on his job? Can he drop a day?

not as excuse for not doing basic things but is work a contributing factor? Is he also more burnt out since baby came , he has stopped functioning properly? Easy way to know is he any different on Sundays or during time off?

I think I’d stand by the door when he came in and say boots off or put baby gate blocking hall with sign on it tk take boots off so he can’t get past.
because you said you don’t want to leave him, you need to change 1 behaviour at a time to avoid being stuck and frustration turning to hatred. Boots week 1 or till he does it .

How old is your baby?

I like the replies which suggest strategies. Less so the ones that urge you to leave which is the default position on MN. Isn't there a thread somewhere talking of the reality and colossal expense of breaking up with a young child?

Plus - in every other way, he's a good partner and you love him. I like blocking his entrance until he takes his boots off and work on one thing at a time

99% of the strategies involve treating a grown man like a child. Not very attractive.

If OP wants to continue with the marriage, of course that's up to her. It isn't something I'd be willing to do because being disrespectful doesn't make someone a good partner and ultimately, the resentment of cleaning up after a man child would bubble over.

The trouble is she is financially dependent on her husband. It becomes a trade off. He works hard at a physical job five or six days a week and the OP looks after the home. If the OP contributed financially she could stand tall and say I won't be treated like this. But she doesn't have a job.
You can't have it both ways. My advice to the OP is find a proper job even if it is just two days a week. The pressure will be off her husband and he could perhaps drop a day to allow more time to for childcare and housework.
The ideal is to be equal and mutually respectful partners who both pull their weight financially and domestically.
Think about long term goals and find a job no matter how part time

And I totally get how unattractive a man child is who wants his wife to look after him. Equally unattractive is the woman who claims not to be able to find a job because she is a woman child and only men are capable of working to provide financially for the family.
Equals in all things

There's a difference between looking after the home and cleaning up after an inconsiderate adult. No one deserves to be disrespected, no matter if they work outside of the home or not.

Are you his Mum???

Is that where your bar is, 'train them'?

Yes exactly, being a sahm doesn’t mean your spouse can treat you like sh!t

So the OP decides she hates waiting on a man but she cannot leave because she is financially dependent on him. Or he hates her nagging him after a long day at work so he leaves her. Where does that leave the OP?
The only way to achieve equality is to be equal partners. That means the woman contributing financially and the man contributing to domestic arrangements.

To be fair , the OP isn't coming back. Having had a vent, she did not like suggestions she find a job to give herself real options. Last seen she was defending him and describing him as a lovely man. Things won't change

Oh dear. I think you need to compromise here a bit. You said in the beginning you didn't mind, but now you do mind. I take this as meaning your husband has been able to form habits you now wish to change suddenly. This takes time, and compromise and patience. It's not worth getting soo upset over imo. Marriage is hard, don't divorce over dirty socks sweetie. You sound tired. Tell him. Lower your standards, set some new habits with hubby. At least he has a job. I'm sure you can work it out. Take care .

I also think the boots entry block is a good tactic. I do think some people genuinely have not been taught to think of these things when they were growing up. He needs jolting into remembering until it becomes automatic. The boots is also where I’d start as it’s the most unreasonable of the behaviour you have mentioned.

I love it when a SAHM posts about a problem, any problem at all, and the solution is “go back to work”. It’s as predictable as the day is long.

Yep, I’m sure that will stop her husband’s bone idleness.

I know!

But he isn't bone idle as he does a hard, physically demanding job 5 or even 6 days a week. It's his way of thinking about his own domestic responsibilities which needs retraining

Don’t shame OP for defending DH if the rest of the relationship is fine. She hasn’t defended the household aspect of his behaviour. What she has done is not allowed herself to get blinded by that one issue to tip the baby ( pun intended) out with the bath water. Some people seem determined to view life as though they are in one of those domino cars at a fairground with an accelerator pedal that’s either down ( and pelting at full pace) or up ( and the car won’t budge). You have reduced life and relationships to two
options, only one of which is acceptable in your view.

I had one of these and it ended up being just one of the many many reasons I eventually left. It was everything: open a letter and leave it and the envelope on the table, get scissors out, leave them out, clothes next to the laundry bin, dirty dishes on the counter above the dishwasher. The piece de resistance was taking off his boxers and socks in one movement and leaving them like an art installation on the bedroom floor.

I tried everything but if I said anything it was nagging.

When he retired he voluntarily started doing the dishwasher (I actually wanted him to share the cooking) and then I noticed that he started automatically putting his stuff in the dishwasher.

There were a couple of things about my ex that I think came into play. He hated, hated being told what to do. He had that perverse streak and would do the opposite in certain situations. He would buy me flowers too, but it was because he had decided to do it. He was only really happy in his work when he finally became the boss, and then went self employed so he could stay that way.

Secondly, he was one of those people that always had a million plans in his head. He was very goal orientated, always thinking about the next thing, the next hour, day, week.

He needed novelty and excitement. He got very bored by the mundane, the boring and the repetitive. He also got distracted very very easily. He would go upstairs for a shower and an hour later I would find him asleep on the bed. Oh yeah, he was lazy as well if it didn’t directly benefit him.

So if he was opening a letter, the letter would remind him he needed to send an email, so he’d send the email and leave the letter and envelope wherever. If he was getting dressed, he’d be thinking about what he was doing next, so clothes left on the floor, because his mind was already on the next (very important) activity. DIY jobs got started but never finished - especially if the task took longer than anticipated or was more difficult, or just became boring.

It felt like he had a butterfly mind., but also he didn’t really think I was his equal. He would have said I was, but he actually didn’t think anyone was his equal I suspect. He could pay attention and focus, but it was only if he was doing something he liked.

Funny enough when I go back to my old house where he is still living, it looks neat and tidy.

If I had a solution, I would offer it up, but you said you wanted to understand why he does it.

How long are his dirty dishes out of sink (from end of him eating until you put item in sink),

How long are dirty socks or cloths on floor (from moment they are deposited until moment OP picks them up),

How long are the snack packets left lying around until OP picks them up & puts them somewhere else?

I ask because I'm betting the time gap averages 2 minutes. I'm wondering if 2 minutes is an intolerable amount of time for other PP too.