I’ve started throwing out whatever DH leaves on the floor

[Lollibert]

I’m at my wits end I don’t know how else to get through to My DH he leaves dirty socks on the floor, his dirty clothes, his leaves dirty dishes on the table leaves empty packets of his snacks everywhere now in the beginning I didn’t mind my DH works and I keep the home, I cook and clean and that was fine until I became a mum, and found out very quickly that cooking and cleaning childless vs cooking and cleaning when u have a child are too very different things, this all I ask of him,
one: put your dirty dishes in the sink you don’t have to wash it just please put it in the sink and pour a little water over the top until I can get to it (as I hate when he leaves it out and the food on the plate drys and becomes hard to get off)

two: put your dirty laundry in the washing basket

three: put your empty packets in the bin

four: take off your shoes at the door (he tracks mud in)

is that seriously too hard of a thing? We’ve had arguments where he said he works all day and I know he does he has a very physically demanding job and we ended up having so many arguments about it that he said fine he will do what I ask to save the arguments, that’s great except he still doesn’t do it says he forgot, if I remind him before he gets the chance to forget he says I nag him, so I think I had a mental break down tonight and threw out the dishes he left out on the table threw out the clothes he left on the floor threw out his muddy shoes that he was kind enough to take off IN THE LIVING ROOM after getting a trail of mud on the living room carpet which left me cleaning up a trail of mud and I swore to him from now on this is how it’s going to be I will throw out whatever he leaves out and I really don’t want to but I’m serious I can’t be the one in the wrong for this am I living in an alternate universe I don’t know how to get through to this man and he is so good in every other way except this I just can’t understand it

Just don’t do what I did. I was so tired of tripping over coat hangers on the floor that I started piling them up on his side of the bed, under the duvet and under his pillow.

I was quite gleeful but he was in quite a
bit of pain when he slept on coat hangers without realising.

@Calliopespa he is respectful in other contexts BUT I am entitled to be upset about the mess he makes anytime he’s ever spent a few days away for work the entire house stays exactly the way I left it, he is respectful in ways where he won’t do anything without asking if mind or without asking me how I feel about it that’s why it baffles me so much that he won’t listen it comes to mess and I do feel justified in my anger because I don’t ask him to do the washing I don’t ask him to do the dishes Because I know he works very hard for us, he works from 5 till 5 six days a week Sundays off, but I feel like I’ve been as understanding as I can be in this situation and now he should be understanding that I’m only asking him very simple things like put his dish in the sink put his clothes in the basket take his shoes off he says he genuinely forgot but u can’t forget nearly every time

Are we married to the same person ?? 😆
my dh is also messy and lazy and we end up having huge fights when I keep asking him to put his things away , pick his crap up ..
he says I’m nagging and his favourite phrase is in a minute.. which basically means he’ll do it never.
soooo annoying , maybe I’ll take a leaf out of your book and start throwing away things that shouldn’t be there too, sounds cathartic

Absolutely. And that’s why I agreed it was completely frustrating. I just honestly don’t really have any helpful advice and I don’t want to patronise you by saying airily “ oh you just need to lay down the rules” or similar, because I know what you are up against. It’s a battle fought and lost in countless homes once children are in the mix. One thing I have had success with is ironing his own shirts ( if your DH needs formal shirts for work. They tend to get motivated when there isn’t one!). But I’ve lived the same “ oh yes sorry, I forgot “ battle with leaving stuff about and after a few days it reverts. There are times it drives me nuts. But ultimately if you aren’t inclined towards the LTB response ( which posters raise because actually there just aren’t many solutions to a mess-blind partner) I find I just have to think we can live with things a bit less than perfect. We have the same sense of humour, the same taste in literature and film, like the same leisure activities, share the same values - except for household tasks! But I could be with someone who sees eye to eye on his often the hoover should go round the house and when we had finished our housework we might sit in our tidy little house-proud world and … blink at each other. But you AREN’T unreasonable for getting irritated. Esp when tired with a new LO.

Most of us have at some point. My low point was saying to DCs in my “teachy ” voice ( with an undercurrent of hysteria ): “I want you to (do X) so you learn to clean up after yourself and DONT GROW UP TO BE A HOUSEHOLD BURDEN.” ( pointed look at DH). But brutal as that was, there is truth in the fact many males in previous generations just weren’t taught to notice mess or feel they needed to fix it. We have moved on as far as raising children, but lots of guys still have a foot in both worlds. Im

Oh be fair: no one loses their marbles because they decided it would be a good idea. OP just got overwhelmed. TBH I’ve tried quite a few training gently approaches and success has been limited. I think the trick is to let yourself off thd hook for not being able to keep up with it . Clean dishes is a total priority, and semi-clean clothes ( took me ages to accept I don’t have to wash an item every time I’ve had it on for a couple of hours if it passes the glance and sniff test), but lots of other stuff is nice-to-have but there’s always tomorrow.

Oh btw: it does get better as Dcs get older. You’re not as tired, they are less demanding if your attention and if you are lucky there’s sometimes even a dc who will help!

I cannot understand women who allow themselves to be in this position. OP, you need a job, even if it is part time. Don't be one of those Mumsnetters who forget to have a job and contribute to the financial running of the household. It is part of being a self respecting woman. I remember my grandmother moaning about her husband to her sister and saying virtually the same thing as the OP. My mother had a large family but always had a job. I am in my seventies and had four years off work to care for small children. I still work part time and do a lot of grandchild care. My husband started to properly pull his weight when I went back to work. He did not enjoy me as a SAHM. We then could afford a cleaner and stopped rowing about housework.
Find a paying job pronto
There are often threads about women who have husbands who stay at home parents and the novelty of paying for another adult wears off pretty quickly. Those women struggle to find their partners attractive.
Find a paying job pronto

so I think I had a mental break down tonight and threw out the dishes he left out on the table threw out the clothes he left on the floor threw out his muddy shoes

Good. If you want anything to change you have to stick with it.

Keep throwing out his clothes.

Don’t wash any of his clothes.

Put dishes on his bedside.

No more making his life easier u til he stops making your life harder.

My DH would have no clothes if I did this.
There are clothes on the floor in our bedroom . Every. Single. Day. It drives me bonkers but we've been married 20 years and I've given up hope that it will change. Some of the clothes are dirty - and I've no idea why they can not be put straight into the laundry basket, some "have been worn once so too dirty to put away but might be worn again" and from reading on MN it seems its acceptable to leave these out. (But here they are not folded or differentiated from dirty socks etc)

Does he have any issues with not 'seeing' mess at work? I'm assuming not because he knows his boss wouldn't put up with it. If he can manage to clean up after himself at work then he can surely manage it at home too.

Maybe it is time he starts doing more around the house and he'll start appreciating and respecting you more in the long run. Sit down with him at a time where he hasn't just left mud on the floor and tell him how disrespected and taken for granted you feel and that you want him to do more around the house.

He finishes work at 5. Many, many working people do housework as well as working full time. He needs to start seeing it as his responsibility too because that's part of the problem.

Honestly, this is nothing to do with other bing in a mess and everything to do with him deciding you're his dogsbody and maid.

I'd seriously be repulsed by a man that wanted to treat me like that!

Howis it gaslighting?

As it's got so bad, I can understand why you did that. In fact yesterday I gathered up all the bits of clutter DH had left scattered around the house for days/weeks and put them in a bag, which went in his car.

Leaving dirty stuff like plates and clothes lying around though to me would mean reconsidering my living situation. It's unhygienic and depressing to live around that. And any attraction would be gone!

It sounds like he has no respect for you or himself, and I agree with PP that this sort of behaviour is often passive aggressive.

I would stop wasting energy asking him to do basic life tasks (he knows to do them, it's a choice not to) but also stop doing anything for him at all, put his dirty stuff in a bag and leave him to sort it out.

Does he forget to do things asked of him at work? Or does he manage to follow simple instructions? If the answer is yes, then he's capable of it, but he doesn't respect you enough to do it. After being told so many times to do these simple things, I find it hard to believe that he continues to 'forget' to do them. He obviously chooses not to do them. I bet he doesn't leave wrappers, dirty cups, plates on his desk at work....

Don't feel guilty and remove his stuff from the bin. In future double lock the door when he comes in from work and make him take his shoes off before letting him in. Stop doing his laundry. Don't buy food with wrappers for him. Give him disposable plates and cutlery like someone else said. Actually maybe don't even cook for him anymore either. If he asks why tell him you forgot. Hopefully he will realise you are serious soon enough and start acting like an adult

Why on earth did you give up work?

You need to think about where your line in the sand is with this one. I would - and have - end a relationship over this. No self-respecting, fully abled adult should expect another human being to pick up after them unless they are being paid for professional services. Household division of labour (e.g. doing all the laundry by agreement) is completely different to picking up after someone. It is beyond disrespectful IMO. It's also a massive passion killer. No one feels turned on by picking up skiddy underpants, wiping up piss off the toilet seat/bathroom floor, or vacuuming the tracked in mud. They feel like a maid and full of resentment. Studies have shown that men who contribute more equally around the house have more sex.

Personally, I think this story still fails to really grasp the point, but it's a good introduction to how actions like this kill relationships: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sinkbb_9055288/amp

I saw one poster who tackled this effectively by leaving stick it notes on everything her DH left lying around for her to sort. She wrote "Fuck <her name>" on them to make the point that this was what she felt her DH was saying to her every time he did this.

Ultimately though, will you leave if he doesn't change? It's worth thinking about now. I've seen so many women think "I can't break up the family over something as petty as housework". Most of them find that the disrespect underlying it becomes worse as the pattern becomes more entrenched, which ends up killing the relationship anyway. Sometimes they muddle on in an unequal unfulfilling relationship, sometimes they split up just later.

I say this as someone who has a muddly DH who leaves his stuff everywhere. What he doesn't do though is leave me dirty clothes/plates to clear up or actively generate mess for me to deal with. I tolerate his muddliness because it's his home too and we share housework 50/50 (he may actually do more than me tbh).

Good luck!

I'm sorry you're married to a disgusting pig who has no respect for you. Would you like our help to leave?

I would bet a million pounds he’s not messy at work, it’s a choice

I have one a bit like this. The most amazing partner and father but SO fucking messy! I didn't have the balls to throw his stuff in the bin, but I did gather everything up and shove it at the back of his wardrobe in a big pile. He didn't notice until he realised he'd run out of clean work clothes and couldn't find his keys and wallet. I told him where everything was, and he's been much better, even hoovering up the mud from.his work boots whilst I sit and enjoy my coffee. Lovely.

@Picklewicklepickle he has a very messy job, it’s why he comes home muddy a lot of the time

@DinkyDonkey2018 thats what I mean in other ways he’s great and a great dad just terrible when it comes to the household

If you say to him that is what you will do, you must go through with it.

I think there's a big difference to general household mess to clean as a sahp, and someone who just leaves stuff everywhere because they know they don't have to be tidy or clean. There's no excuse for an adult not to remember to take off muddy shoes before walking on a carpet.

I'd always tidy the house before the cleaner came, not because I didn't want her thinking we were a scruffy bunch, because it's not her job to put away our shit. It's to clean.

I would find your dh behaviour disrespectful, it's almost like saying FU, I'm not listening to you and carrying on as I please, with no regards to what you've asked me previously.

I'd definite just bag up his stuff and chuck outside, not sore I'd consider as to chick plates out tho

@Lollibert
Your child will go to nursery and school. You either set yourself up for a life that is straight out of the post war period or you recover some self respect and find a job. The threads you read on here from female posters who somehow have ended up with husbands and partners who don't work, shows how women dislike cock lodgers. Everyone needs a job and to be contributing to a pension. It is part of being a grown up. Many men find it hard to be the sole breadwinner.
Having a job gives you so many more options. It is good for you self respect and mental health.
Vow to yourself that 2924 is going to be the year you either find a job or retrain. You may find it does wonders for your marriage and hopefully it will teach your husband to treat you with more respect and to pull his weight.