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Original poster

I’ve started throwing out whatever DH leaves on the floor

235 replies

Lollibert · 20/12/2023 21:11

I’m at my wits end I don’t know how else to get through to My DH he leaves dirty socks on the floor, his dirty clothes, his leaves dirty dishes on the table leaves empty packets of his snacks everywhere now in the beginning I didn’t mind my DH works and I keep the home, I cook and clean and that was fine until I became a mum, and found out very quickly that cooking and cleaning childless vs cooking and cleaning when u have a child are too very different things, this all I ask of him,
one: put your dirty dishes in the sink you don’t have to wash it just please put it in the sink and pour a little water over the top until I can get to it (as I hate when he leaves it out and the food on the plate drys and becomes hard to get off)

two: put your dirty laundry in the washing basket

three: put your empty packets in the bin

four: take off your shoes at the door (he tracks mud in)

is that seriously too hard of a thing? We’ve had arguments where he said he works all day and I know he does he has a very physically demanding job and we ended up having so many arguments about it that he said fine he will do what I ask to save the arguments, that’s great except he still doesn’t do it says he forgot, if I remind him before he gets the chance to forget he says I nag him, so I think I had a mental break down tonight and threw out the dishes he left out on the table threw out the clothes he left on the floor threw out his muddy shoes that he was kind enough to take off IN THE LIVING ROOM after getting a trail of mud on the living room carpet which left me cleaning up a trail of mud and I swore to him from now on this is how it’s going to be I will throw out whatever he leaves out and I really don’t want to but I’m serious I can’t be the one in the wrong for this am I living in an alternate universe I don’t know how to get through to this man and he is so good in every other way except this I just can’t understand it

OP posts:
Catsandcuddles · 20/12/2023 23:07

It sounds like you both have different standards of tidiness. My husband does some of these, he leaves plates at the side of the dishwasher and has a pile of dirty clothes next to the washing basket which annoys me, how difficult is it to put a plate in the dishwasher etc. However, I can be untidy in other ways which annoys him. We learn to live with these annoyances as nobody is perfect, however I would draw the line at the carpet. Walking mud all over it and expecting you to clean it is very disrespectful! I don't think throwing away stuff is the answer here, it's a case of if you can learn to live with this, or if its too much of a deal breaker for you.

Original poster
Lollibert · 20/12/2023 23:08

@Yetmorebeanstocount how can I do it with good humor tho? I completely lost my marbles tonight I can’t help but get triggered

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 20/12/2023 23:09

Mumof2teens79 · 20/12/2023 23:04

It works because OH recognises we are different and always will be, not because he likes cleaning or isn't stressed by the mess.

I feel for OPs DH, the things he does are exactly things I do without even realising.
My OH chooses to ignore some of it and wait for me to notice, or just to deal with it.

OP you can get through to him because it's part of him and is completely sub conscious

Show quote history

How can someone not realise that not taking shoes off at the door tracks mud in?
How can someone not realise that it is selfish and inconsiderate to leave that mud for someone else to clean up?

Over and over and over again.

Original poster
Lollibert · 20/12/2023 23:10

@Catsandcuddles and had the audacity to say “what my shoes are clean” after I lost it

OP posts:
Catsandcuddles · 20/12/2023 23:13

Even my 4 year old son knows that he must take off his shoes as he opens the door before walking into the front room.

Tigger1895 · 20/12/2023 23:14

The plate issue would piss me off. An easy starting point would be instead of washing his clothes or putting it into the hamper, put it in a bag in an obvious place. If he’s missing stuff tell him to check the bag. If he wants to behave like a teenager, treat him like 1.

Catsandcuddles · 20/12/2023 23:17

I second the above, pick up his clothes if you must and put them all in his own washing bag or carrier bag, don't throw them away but don't wash them. He will eventually run out of clean clothes and soon realise , let him do the work himself

Kitkat2065 · 20/12/2023 23:18

I wish I had your balls!!!! It's same in this house and packages. He's like a kid, opens a package oo new toy and the box/packaging/wrapping just stays on the floor where it lands. We have a recycling tub in the utility that I take out every other day but it's too difficult for him to put anything in there so it all stays on the kitchen side. My serious plan was to pack up everything he leaves around then dump it all on his desk on his precious computer!!

Mumof2teens79 · 20/12/2023 23:18

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/12/2023 23:09

How can someone not realise that not taking shoes off at the door tracks mud in?
How can someone not realise that it is selfish and inconsiderate to leave that mud for someone else to clean up?

Over and over and over again.

Show quote history

Because your mind isn't thinking about what you are doing. It's an automatic and subconscious action. I could not tell you where I took my shoes off or when or if they were muddy.
As I walked through the door 20 other things were higher in my thoughts.

Added to that I can imagine that tracking mud in is a minor inconvenience and not a major issue if you tend to be muddy a lot. He probably doesn't see what the problem is.
And its also possible to have no expectation that someone else cleans it up....but it's just not a priority for you to, or you haven't noticed.

Do people really notbrelise these are all part of the differences between neuro diverse people?
So much for being kind

Yetmorebeanstocount · 20/12/2023 23:23

Lollibert · 20/12/2023 23:08

@Yetmorebeanstocount how can I do it with good humor tho? I completely lost my marbles tonight I can’t help but get triggered

That is something no-one else can help you with. You have to find the love inside you first, then find the humour, or at least quiet and calm tolerance and acceptance.

You have to love him enough, with all his faults, to make it work.

If the triggering is too bad, you have a hard choice to make about leaving.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 20/12/2023 23:25

Keep binning it!

Helenahandkart · 20/12/2023 23:26

My husband is like this as well. For years and years I argued with him and fell out with him and lost my temper with him. It made no difference.
Two things helped. The first was him being diagnosed with ADHD and me realising that he wasn’t deliberately being useless. I changed my mindset so that I was less angry.
The second was that I started being creative. If he pissed on the floor and didn’t check to see whether he’d done that, then I used his favourite t-shirt to clean it up. And told him so.
If he left dirty plates and cups lying around, or didn’t put things away after cooking, then I piled them up on his computer keyboard.
If he left dirty clothes on the floor, or wet towels in the bed, then I put them on his car seat.
Once he had to deal with the consequences of his inattention he started to be more aware.
He still does it but it isn’t so bad as it was. The things he does now are only ADHD things, not ADHD plus entitled laziness things.

Yetmorebeanstocount · 20/12/2023 23:26

Would you train a dog or a toddler by 'losing your marbles'? No, you would find other methods.
Training your DH will be similar, if you go down that route.

Fullofxmascbeer · 20/12/2023 23:27

I like the front seat of the car idea.

I did this with my teenagers belongings. All piled in a black bag in the garage. Still didn’t get sorted but at least I didn’t have to look at it.

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 20/12/2023 23:28

Grammarnut · 20/12/2023 22:50

I am not sure what your problem is. You are at home with a small child and your DH works. Put a waste paper basket in the living room (I know, child will be in it, put it up high) and give it him if he eats a snack (seriously,though, why is he snacking round the house?). Put a washing basket in your bedroom. Stick everything in it in the morning that needs washing. Don't get uptight about mud on the carpet, get a hand vacuum cleaner if it bothers you. Men tend to be untidy and not notice it. Women tend to be tidy and get upset about things being untidy. Your DC will not get ill from a bit of mud, nor from clothes left around the living room (my DH does this all the time, and doesn't shut drawers etc. he also annoys me by tidying up my books as he finds them untidy - I ignore this to the point of leaving books on tables). Relax. You cannot have a perfectly tidy house if you have children. Marriage is compromise.

Edited

Funny post, wrong conclusion.
"You cannot have a perfectly tidy house if you have a husband", according to your logic.

idontlikealdi · 20/12/2023 23:28

Our deal is whoever cooks, doesn't do the dishes. H will leave it until he gets home from work the next day. Drives me insane but I refuse to do it. On the rare occasion he cooks, I deal with it the nigh after dinner.

I've stopped doing his laundry, it seems petty but particularly at this time of year he doesnt hang it properly (most of our stuff is not dryer suitable), he hangs on random bars. doesnt shake it out or hang so it has a chance of drying so I spend more time sorting it out.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/12/2023 23:28

Mumof2teens79 · 20/12/2023 23:18

Because your mind isn't thinking about what you are doing. It's an automatic and subconscious action. I could not tell you where I took my shoes off or when or if they were muddy.
As I walked through the door 20 other things were higher in my thoughts.

Added to that I can imagine that tracking mud in is a minor inconvenience and not a major issue if you tend to be muddy a lot. He probably doesn't see what the problem is.
And its also possible to have no expectation that someone else cleans it up....but it's just not a priority for you to, or you haven't noticed.

Do people really notbrelise these are all part of the differences between neuro diverse people?
So much for being kind

Show quote history

I understand that it can be something someone can struggle with if they are neurodiverse, ADHD comes to mind. It is important to understand if they are neurodiverse but at the same time, if it is possible I do think some effort needs to be made as an adult to find something that helps manage it so it isn't always left for the other person to pick up the pieces. Of course, this will largely depend on the individual.

It's also very possible that OP's DH isn't neurodiverse and just expects OP to clean up after him because he has a big, important job and OP is a SAHM. He doesn't ''see'' it because as far as he's concerned, it's OP's responsibility.

Zanina · 20/12/2023 23:30

If he wants you to mummy him by cleaning up after him, he can get used to being bollocked and reprimanded when he talks back.

My husband has a habit of leaving all his shoes at the door to a point we can't open the door. When that happens I throw his shoes around the hallway and leave them there until he is forced to collect his 3 pairs of fucking shoes and put them in the shoe cupboard that I purchased. I think he gets a bit worried as well because our two year old loves putting shoes in the bin. No arguments or acknowledgement. I used to pick up his laundry until I realised he was leaving it for me. So I said nothing and stopped picking them up. He then started to ask if his clothes have been washed, I'd reply "did you put them in the laundry basket?" He would say no. So I'd say then no they didn't get washed. He leaves rubbish from online orders so I leave it for weeks then pile it up on his work desk. Arguments about these things gets you nowhere. I think their laziness is borderline passive aggressive (lacking respect) so I say do it back to them in a way that they learn. If my husband did what yours does and argued about it, I'd have Binned his shit as well.

Greenpolkadot · 20/12/2023 23:32

He sounds a right dirty slob.
I'd chuck his mucky clothes back in the drawer and the wardrobe.
Id wash the plates though but I'd shove his snack packets in his knicker drawer

Reugny · 20/12/2023 23:34

Onabench · 20/12/2023 21:35

I am tempted to try this with my 11 year old, let me know how it goes

An 11 year old is not a grown adult and you are expected as that 11 year old's parent to teach them how to look after themselves including the basics of running a house.

backtowinter · 20/12/2023 23:36

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 20/12/2023 22:18

You can’t throw out other people’s things and why do you have more rights over him on where things go.

Another thread about a make up bag being hidden

Interesting different responses

Pancakefam · 20/12/2023 23:39

Lollibert · 20/12/2023 23:08

@Yetmorebeanstocount how can I do it with good humor tho? I completely lost my marbles tonight I can’t help but get triggered

That triggered feeling is your self respect calling! Don't try and push it away.

Calliopespa · 20/12/2023 23:44

Grammarnut · 20/12/2023 22:50

I am not sure what your problem is. You are at home with a small child and your DH works. Put a waste paper basket in the living room (I know, child will be in it, put it up high) and give it him if he eats a snack (seriously,though, why is he snacking round the house?). Put a washing basket in your bedroom. Stick everything in it in the morning that needs washing. Don't get uptight about mud on the carpet, get a hand vacuum cleaner if it bothers you. Men tend to be untidy and not notice it. Women tend to be tidy and get upset about things being untidy. Your DC will not get ill from a bit of mud, nor from clothes left around the living room (my DH does this all the time, and doesn't shut drawers etc. he also annoys me by tidying up my books as he finds them untidy - I ignore this to the point of leaving books on tables). Relax. You cannot have a perfectly tidy house if you have children. Marriage is compromise.

Edited

I agree. It’s utterly frustrating but at the end of the day there are far bigger issues. If he’s respectful in other contexts it is just that he doesn’t see it as a problem in the way that you do and I do think many men are like this ( though in some cases it is reversed). What is it though with leaving drawers and cupboards open? I can kind of grasp leaving stuff lying round, but not closing a drawer!? Words fail me … But so many of my friends say their DH does it. If you deployed the LTB solution you’d get through a whole lot of men. I wonder what houses of two women look like …

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 20/12/2023 23:57

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · Today 22:18

You can’t throw out other people’s things and why do you have more rights over him on where things go.

Because she's a wife and mother not a servant, she needs to be respected, and she does not want to raise their child in a pigsty because the husband is lazy and disrespectful. The things she's demanding are just simple courtesy, how long does it take to pick up after yourself? It's not like he has to clean or do housework, just not cause extra work by being inconsiderate.

OP, carry on with the binning his stuff. I'd wash the plates but stick the snack packets in his clothes drawers and bin the dirty clothes.

user1492757084 · 21/12/2023 00:05

Good on you.

Also write signs with large black letters ..

Shoes OFF at the door please. On the door
Dirty plates in the sink please. On the fridge
Dirty clothes in washing basket, DH In the bathroom
Rubbish in the bin please. On top of the TV

If he doesn't improve add his name to all signs and you continue your binning exercise.

Surely when all his clothes are in the bin and dirty he will become an adult.

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