I’ve started throwing out whatever DH leaves on the floor

[Lollibert]

I’m at my wits end I don’t know how else to get through to My DH he leaves dirty socks on the floor, his dirty clothes, his leaves dirty dishes on the table leaves empty packets of his snacks everywhere now in the beginning I didn’t mind my DH works and I keep the home, I cook and clean and that was fine until I became a mum, and found out very quickly that cooking and cleaning childless vs cooking and cleaning when u have a child are too very different things, this all I ask of him,
one: put your dirty dishes in the sink you don’t have to wash it just please put it in the sink and pour a little water over the top until I can get to it (as I hate when he leaves it out and the food on the plate drys and becomes hard to get off)

two: put your dirty laundry in the washing basket

three: put your empty packets in the bin

four: take off your shoes at the door (he tracks mud in)

is that seriously too hard of a thing? We’ve had arguments where he said he works all day and I know he does he has a very physically demanding job and we ended up having so many arguments about it that he said fine he will do what I ask to save the arguments, that’s great except he still doesn’t do it says he forgot, if I remind him before he gets the chance to forget he says I nag him, so I think I had a mental break down tonight and threw out the dishes he left out on the table threw out the clothes he left on the floor threw out his muddy shoes that he was kind enough to take off IN THE LIVING ROOM after getting a trail of mud on the living room carpet which left me cleaning up a trail of mud and I swore to him from now on this is how it’s going to be I will throw out whatever he leaves out and I really don’t want to but I’m serious I can’t be the one in the wrong for this am I living in an alternate universe I don’t know how to get through to this man and he is so good in every other way except this I just can’t understand it

Paper plates, plastic cups and plastic cutlery.

He sees it as your duty to serve him. Your role is one of service, you're staff. In fact not even staff because staff get paid. He has an expectation that you will tidy and clean up after him because he does not see you as equal to himself. He does not value or respect you.

Does he treat his friends the way he treats you? No, of course not.

Get a job, grow a backbone and stand on your own two feet. Get rid of him and work on your self-esteem. One day you'll meet a man who treats you like a human being instead of like a worthless skivvy.

@Mumof2teens79 That's great that you've found a partnership that suits you both. But your situation sounds utterly irrelevant to OP's for exactly that reason.

OP, throwing out belongings is not ideal behavior from you, but I absolutely don't blame you for being at your wit's end. It sounds like your husband has zero respect for you or the work you're doing to take care of your (this is the plural your, here) child and home. He's not acting like a child, he's being a King Baby.

Be crystal clear in your communication that you are unwilling to continue like this and what you need for you to stay in the relationship. In the meantime, start making plans for financial independence so you can get out. Please, please don't have any more children with this man.

I can't think of a single plausible reason why an adult can't remove dirty shoes, can't put a dish in the sink etc. Your husband is choosing this behaviour and it's not acceptable. I couldn't stay with a man who had so little respect for his home and for me. I don't know whether throwing his stuff away is the answer, as it's still you effectively dealing with the issue. He really needs to pull his finger out though if you're set on staying with this guy.

Find a job. It is not healthy to be at home and financially dependent on your husband. Your daughter needs you to be independent. It will give you a way out

DH is good to live with in that he handles cooking, food shopping, bins, gardening, DIY and his share of the kids….but he had a serious issue with laundry. Used to take his socks etc off and just leave them on the floor. Early on in our cohabitation I one week simply washed only those items that made it into the laundry basket. He was baffled when he ran out of pants, but since then he’s not left things on the floor.

The approach could work, but bear in mind you have to have a DH who is willing to do his share.

@Ju1ieAndrews I can’t understand how someone so thoughtful in other ways can’t just put his plate in the sink or his laundry in the basket the same person randomly brings me flowers, will massage my feet if I say they hurt, in other ways he is so thoughtful and kind and makes me feel loved But then he is so messy and won’t put anything away I just don’t understand how he’s like this

I'm imagining him peeing in the corners too just to make sure you know who is boss.

If I were you I'd get a job and get as independent as possible so you don't have to deal with this disrespect.

Do you wipe his bum for him as well?

Can't understand why woman put up with this stuff. It's not very attractive to clean up after another adult

These type of comments are ridiculous. She’s not cleaning FOR him, she’s cleaning for the family of which he is part. If he doesn’t clean up after himself it doesn’t affect him, it affects the OP. He won’t wash up after himself. He’ll leave it until OP has no plates left to eat off and will have to wash them herself. It just makes more work for her in the end or she has to lower her standards and live in a sh*thole. I had one like this. I wasn’t able to lower my standards. I just became depressed, resentful and withdrawn and eventually left him. This approach doesn’t work for women who want higher standards, clean homes and happy relationships.

sorry OP, I did all the begging, pleading, crying, and ranting. Nothing worked and I hated who I became so I had to end it. Not helpful for you, Sorry!

You've got a young baby and this is how he's behaving? I'd throw him out with his mess!

You can’t throw out other people’s things and why do you have more rights over him on where things go.

My DM did this to my DB and I when we were teenagers, everything we left hanging around or didn't clean up would be thrown in the Garden. Not kidding. We learnt VERY quickly to start picking up after ourselves!

I feel your pain. Mines the same. Leaves his shit all over the dining room table, shoes in the living room. Coat, fleece and jumper decorating 3 different chairs. I pointed it out. He said “well you left a cup in the side table”. I’d finished a cup of tea, went out to pick DS2 up and then went straight to bed. I put a notepad on the table and said ok. Every time something gets left where it shouldn’t be we write it down. The one with the most on the list cooks Sunday roast! He soon upped his game. 😂

This is another thing I hate! He’ll say I put a wash on for you! Like it’s solely my job and he’s done me a favour! Fuck that mate you live here too!!

If a husband or partner complains that you are nagging, the response is ‘nagging is simply the necessary repetition of unpalatable truths’.

Next time he tries to initiate sex tell him you feeling like his mum is doing nothing for your libido and you can’t see you wanting to have sex with him ever again at this rate.

I once gathered up all DHs shit that I’d been asking him to move and he hadn’t, took it upstairs, pulled back the bedclothes on his side and put the lot there, tucking it back in before I left.

Nothing was ever said about this but everything was put away and he was a lot more considerate after that.

My husband (married 43 years) used to be like that, so I started -

leaving his apple cores/banana skin/crisps packet in his shoe - shoved right down to the toe (I used to laugh to myself whilst doing it)

putting his dirty socks and pants in the bin (he ran out and had to buy more)

leaving his used cups and plates in his box of Weetabix.

Yes, it was all petty, and time-consuming, but it worked (and it made me laugh)

This is the exact thing my husband and teen DD do.
I've resorted to telling his mother 🤣
But more effective is the shit they leave around now makes its way to the areas they sleep in. Neither are a fan of finding dirty mugs under their pillows.

Still, I am the only one who isn't blind in our house it seems.

On other days, I throw stuff in the bin, or create WhatsApp groups.
Funnily, they both realise the other is grim, don't understand they're just as grim themselves.

Yabu, you can not throw away someone else's stuff.

The issue here is that you have a problem and he doesn't. His way of living bothers you, your nagging him to change doesn't bother him. You can't change someone unless they want to change.

You could try to see what motivates him, throwing everything in a box might make him more self aware. Talking to him in a way that gets through to him might work. I think you need to be prepared to leave if you want him to change. You have no cards here really, you can't make him do it and if he doesn't mind if you leave then you know.

Go back to work and start making plans to leave.

He clearly has no respect for you.

I would start off by just putting one useless item in the bin. Your husband.

Nailed it.
This is the only way to train him now.

@Mumof2NDers tbh I think people are getting the wrong idea of him on here he’s not controlling etc in every other way he’s amazing but he’s just the messiest man to ever Grace this earth and looks genuinely confused when I argue about it like he can’t see the problem no matter how much I argue, but that’s only when it comes to mess he listens when it comes to anything else I just understand why this is the one thing I can’t get through to him on. And it’s also the one thing I refuse to accept. It drives me mad But I wouldn’t leave him over as people are suggesting.