To feel sad my DD missed Christmas dinner

[UndertheCedartree]

My 11yo DD is autistic and she has recently started at a new school. The school have been great in supporting her.

Sadly, she went into a Science class for the first time yesterday and as they have set seats she asked the teacher where she should sit. The teacher snapped at her that she didn't know and she had to stand at the front of the class waiting for the others to sit down which really unsettled and upset her.

Today was their Christmas dinner day and they could go in wearing pyjamas. She was really looking forward to this. But as we got closer to school this morning she got more and more distressed. Once in school she had a full on meltdown that went on for ages. Eventually she calmed down enough for me to leave and they took her up to the Learning support centre where she promptly fell asleep exhausted after her melt down. She missed her Christmas dinner! After a while they asked me to come and pick her up. I feel so sad for her. I'd spent a lot of time preparing her for the Christmas dinner and it was going to be a nice way to introduce her to the canteen. And she was so looking forward to it. All spoilt because a teacher took her bad mood out on her.

I know! So many people on here insisting they know exactly what happened and people say those with ASD are rigid! It's hilarious! 😂

It’s not discreet if you heard it. And what they said was a criticism of a colleague, without asking her, in front of a pupil. Like I said, unforgivably unprofessional. And this is t(e head you think is well liked and gong. To provide a good experience for your DD?
Yes, I know a couple of your friends like him. Every crap head has a couple of suck up acolytes.

To a whole class. Which is what you said.
Bit this is pointless. You’ve decided it’s all the teachers fault and she’s a nasty piece of work based in some ‘look’ between people you now say we’re talking discreetly elsewhere in the office. And you want to totally ignore the y professionalism of the LSA in not helping your DD settle (her actual job) and then blaming it on a teacher in your hearing, to the head, and of the head in not shutting that shit down immediately.
YANBU to be sad your DD missed Christmas lunch.
YABVVVVU to blame a teacher when others did far, far worse than anything she has done.

Nobody has said secondary schools have class LSAs. They don’t. Some classes have an LSA who is trying to support multiple students, but they would typically be those with mild needs, not someone like your DD with serious issues and also new to the school.

You are missing that posters point, and haven’t replied to mine which was earlier. You want to forgive the LSA and Head for genuine unprofessionalism because ‘real life isn’t neat and tidy’ but absolutely can’t accept that’s the reason your DD was upset in class.

Fair enough.

Was it a criticism of a colleague or just confirming facts? I mean most teachers have said that snapping at a student is fine so why is it now a criticism?

She is well liked. I wonder why if she's so terrible? Makes more sense she's well liked as she's a good Head.

No, it's not just a couple of my friends like her, every teacher I've asked like her. She's really supportive of staff in so many ways. The students and parents also really like her. The school is really high achieving too. Think she must be doing something right!

You seem awful and blamey. Not teachers fault. Get over yourself there are other people in the world

Yes, it is completely pointless. You just seem to want to argue for the sake of it. I think I may have more of an idea of what was said than you. She said it to the class yes. Ok maybe she said '7A, I'm not in the mood for this. I'm in a really bad mood'. Honestly, could you really not work that out yourself!!

I've said nothing about her being a nasty piece of work. I've said the opposite. You're clearly projecting. Yes, it was discreet. I'm autistic this is the kind of thing we notice!! I get that might be hard for you to understand but it is what it is. I also made crystal clear that was just what it seemed to me but I could have been wrong.

It is the teachers job to tell her where to sit. The LSA did settle her so was doing her job.

Blaming what on the teacher? What did she blame on her?? I don't think you've really understood what happened. Have you had a run in with an LSA that your projecting about?

But thanks for finally answering my AIBU. I'm glad to hear I wasn't being unreasonable.

It’s not confirming facts. It’s giving an opinion. Just because it’s the same as your DD’s opinion doesn’t make it gospel (though that seems to be your standpoint).
Your friends may or may not be telling you the truth, and may or may not be the sort who stick with a shit head to save their careers. Other teachers will always say the head is good. I’ve said that about Heads I’ve had union disputes with. Because I’m professional and don’t take work disputes to the public. The evidence you have given us is emphatically NOT of a good head though, and that’s what I’m going on. That’s based on 35 years in a variety of settings - rural, urban, big, small, state, private - and in 2 of the U.K. countries.

@WaitingForMojo said all schools in her area do.

Have you assessed my DD to know her needs?? My DD has mild needs. She does not have a 1:1. But due to her needs she was put in the class that has an LSA.

I’m arguing for the sake of it? But not you, right, because as with your DD’s opinion of the teacher, you are right about everything?
The teacher’s job is not JUST to seat your DD. She was doing other parts of it. The LSA should have helped.
You lamed your DD’s meltdown and subsequent missing if the dinner in the teacher. That’s what you’ve been banging in about for pages and pages. She’s unprofessional and all the other staff think so according to your own words.
No runs in with LSAs. They are generally fab and the only way I can do my job as well as I do. None of the ones I’ve worked with would have let the situation with your DD develop though, or have bitched to the head in your presence.

Getting so stressed by a normal interaction (even if a bit terse) that she had two meltdowns and had to miss dinner the next day is not mild needs. I’m basing my opinions on what you say.

Likely nothing to do with the Science lesson. Chn with autism are unfortunately having more meltdowns than usual this week due to changes in routine and extra sensory stimulation caused by all the Christmas activities and hyper-ness of NT children in school at the moment. I hope this young lady settles into the Science class after Christmas and enjoys being in the lesson. 🥰

Look we'll have to agree to disagree. I just find it strange that first teachers are tying themselves in knots justifying why it's ok to snap at a pupil and now it's the ultimate injustice and criticism if someone confirms the teacher did indeed snap. I just honestly don't think it's that deep. But if you do, fair enough.

Well, as I said one no longer works there so saving their career hardly matters and the other is quite new, but chose the school so has no reason to have chosen it if it was so terrible. The other teachers aren't my friends so what reason they'd have to lie, I don't know. Parents, students Ofstead all saying the same thing. Can they all really be lying and for what benefit? I've then found the school has lived up to these high expectations. I wonder why if everyone was lying about it being good? I wonder how it has such a good reputation?

So if a friend asked what your school was like as they were looking for a school for their DC you'd lie?? Blimey!

Oh, well. I suppose we're very different people. I must say based on my teaching experience I wouldn't claim to know all about what was going on in a school based on a few details on a MN post! 😂 I also know different schools can work in all sorts of different ways. I'd never lie to a friend about my workplace in order to make myself look better I suppose? (Not sure if that was what you meant) And if a school was given the thumbs up by teachers, parents, students, the local area and Ofstead but one rogue teacher had an issue with it - I'd probably assume it was good! 😂

Erm, well, yes, I know what happened as it's my actual life. I think it's funny you seem to think you know better. This is nothing to do with my AIBU. If I asked for an opinion on the teacher, fair enough, but I didn't!

Where did I say the teachers job was JUST to seat my DD. You keep claiming I said something. Then I point out I didn't so you then claim I said something else I didn't!

I have now told you countless times that the LSA helped. You keep claiming they didn't, I tell you did and round we go again! How can I say it clearer? The LSA helped. Yes, it was the teachers job to tell DD where to sit. All other teachers managed in a 100 minute lesson to tell DD where to sit AND to also teach the class. They managed to seat her even though it was not their ONLY job.

I've spoken about the issue because posters keep telling me they know better than me what happened. They know better what went on in a complete strangers life than said stranger does! Mumsnet is classic for it! I think it's hilarious! Probably due to my autism but when people try to invalidate me, I push back. It's one thing if I asked for an opinion on that matter but I didn't. It's just pure unsolicited 'advice'.

All the other staff? What one LSA who confirms she snapped is 'all the other staff'??

'Bitched to the head'?? Quietly confirming something a child said, something which most teachers say is completely fine to do, is bitching to the head? Wow 😂

OMG this thread is still going. OP, maybe you should just let this thread die, get off MN and try enjoying Christmas with your daughter?

The other teachers aren’t your friends so why would they risk their career criticising their boss to you? They are far less likely to tell you the truth than a fried. Though when I had friends with kids in school (or about to start) I didn’t share anything but positivity with them, because I’m a professional.
Ive started at lots of schools that look fab to find it’s not so.
I’ve worked at schools where ofsted (or estyn) have praised the most incompetent management.
Nobody has said it’s ‘ok’ for a teacher to snap. Just that it’s sometimes going to happen. Equally nobody has ‘confirmed’ anything to you. An LSA trying to shift the blame from the person who should have helped your add settle (her) to the teacher has - very unprofessionally - said she thought it was snappy.

The fact here is you want to blame the teacher for something you have zero proof happened instead of blaming the real issue - a poor LSA, an unprofessional head making things worse, and your DD’s ND making everything difficult. And let’s remember that despite you claiming nobody blamed anything on the teacher, you did - in your OP: ’All spoilt because a teacher took her bad mood out on her’
Thats why I and others are talking about the teacher so much. Because you sought to blame her for the whole situation on zero evidence except your DD’s subjective view and the ‘discreet’ comments of an LSA trying to protect her own arse.

2 meltdowns? When did the 2nd one happen?

It's not mild needs you say? Oh well, I better tell her paediatrician, ed psych and therapist. I'm sure they must all be wrong. I'm sure her previous and current schools must have no idea either.

I'm also sure her Ed psych parent hasn't a clue either!

Yes, @cardibach - what a professional! You assess needs over MN! 😂

Thank you, very much. I suppose schools up and down the country are having extra meltdowns! That does make me feel better, thanks.

I’m not dealing with your long contradictory post this time.
You blamed the teacher.
You think the head is great because a few people with no option say so.
You believe the unprofessional and lax LSA because she agrees with your DD.
Your DD missed dinner because she had a meltdown. The fact she says it was The interaction with the teacher means little - as others have said, we don’t always recognise underlying issues. Even if it was as a result of the exchange, you have no evidence the teacher did anything wrong.

You’ll soon be in a situation where there is nobody much to teach your DD at all. Teachers (including me, as it happens) are leaving in droves not least because parents are so ready to believe anyone and everyone but them when things go off track.

I’m out now. I hope your DD recovers and you both enjoy Christmas. I also hope you can move into next term without seeking to blame people for things which aren’t their fault and can’t be helped.

She may be 'mild' needs but she sounds quite high needs in mainstream classroom if this interaction led to the meltdown you describe.

The head and LSA sound unprofessional imo. I bet no one says anything bad about the head publicly because they're scared of her. I've worked for that kind of head, not a good atmosphere.

She's gone to bed! 😂

and they wonder why autistic kids have such a high rate of EBSA. It’s not unusual to be tired at the end of term and have a meltdown over a situation where you’re new to a school. Were shouted at by teacher for asking a perfectly reasonable question when you have a diagnosed communication disorder and had to stand in front of a load of kids you hardly know. How humiliating. There’s a campaign to make all teachers so the Oliver McGowan autism training and let’s hope it gets signed off seeing some of the replies here. If you’re a grumpy got who can’t be polite just don’t become a teacher, talking to a colleague like that wouldn’t be acceptable. And there’s plenty of adults who have meltdowns when stressed, take time off work for stress but we somehow expect children to put up with it. Autistic people have significantly hotter lives due to cardiovascular disease caused by stress. Maybe bear the consequences in mind and get educated about how to reduce their stress. Kindness costs nothing

Risk their career? How would they risk their career? So you'd make up positive stories because you'd be risking your career otherwise?

You'd make up positive stories about your school so people would send their DC there? Why?

Well, plenty of people said they thought it was perfectly understandable and happens all the time. Certainly not something you could be criticised for.

I think you've clearly worked in a lot of terrible schools and that's why your projecting. I have to say I was lucky to work in wonderful schools but maybe I'm better at picking them than you?

What on earth could the LSA have been shifting blame for?? The LSA settled my DD. So what blame was she shifting?

I want to blame the teacher? Really? Why didn't I make a complaint then? A poor LSA - the one who settled my DD. The one who has been really helpful to DD and been a part of her settling at the school. An unprofessional Head - who wasn't anywhere near this classroom 😂 You're really having me on now?! And yes, you hit the nail on the head! I did! You're quite right I did! On Mumsnet!! 😂😂😂 Do you think her career's over now?

I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences in schools. I hope you are in a good one now?

Who made you boss?

OP posted for discussion - why you deciding it's time to stop