Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad my DD missed Christmas dinner

811 replies

UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 17:25

My 11yo DD is autistic and she has recently started at a new school. The school have been great in supporting her.

Sadly, she went into a Science class for the first time yesterday and as they have set seats she asked the teacher where she should sit. The teacher snapped at her that she didn't know and she had to stand at the front of the class waiting for the others to sit down which really unsettled and upset her.

Today was their Christmas dinner day and they could go in wearing pyjamas. She was really looking forward to this. But as we got closer to school this morning she got more and more distressed. Once in school she had a full on meltdown that went on for ages. Eventually she calmed down enough for me to leave and they took her up to the Learning support centre where she promptly fell asleep exhausted after her melt down. She missed her Christmas dinner! After a while they asked me to come and pick her up. I feel so sad for her. I'd spent a lot of time preparing her for the Christmas dinner and it was going to be a nice way to introduce her to the canteen. And she was so looking forward to it. All spoilt because a teacher took her bad mood out on her.

OP posts:
Jacfrost · 19/12/2023 17:54

WASZPy · 19/12/2023 17:51

Are you sure the chaos and noise of Christmas dinner would have been a nice introduction to the canteen? I can't think of a more difficult day to go there for the first time.

I'm sure the OP knows better than you how her DD would cope with such an environment

penjil · 19/12/2023 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EnidSpyton · 19/12/2023 17:55

This is nothing to do with the teacher.

If it's the end of December and your daughter is going into the Science lesson for the first time, that's a very unusual situation. It sounds like the teacher may not have been given any warning or much warning that they were getting a new student, and clearly didn't have time to allocate her a seat in advance, so asked her to wait to see where a spare space would be free before allocating her somewhere to sit. You have no idea that she 'snapped'. That's your daughter's perception but may not have been the reality.

If the school is this shit at giving teachers a heads up about new starters, I doubt this teacher was given any information about your daughter's autism, either.

I would speak to the SENCO and find out what's going on regarding internal comms. Why is your daughter only going to this Science class for the first time right at the end of term? Why had the teacher not been briefed? It's not the teacher's fault the school doesn't communicate with their staff.

Please be mindful that this is a VERY long term for teachers, and teaching is a stressful and exhausting job. Sometimes we are snappy because we're human and can't be perfect all the time. Teachers are not going to be able to always ensure your daughter gets spoken to or treated in a way that won't cause her to have a meltdown, and expecting them to is unreasonable. If you choose to place your daughter in a mainstream school, you have to help her prepare for that reality.

Jacfrost · 19/12/2023 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What the fuck

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 17:56

Covidiokilledtheradiostar · 19/12/2023 17:31

@MiddleagedBeachbum @PastelHouses sounds like you’re pretty uneducated in autistic and SEN children

@UndertheCedartree im sorry your DD has that experience. Does the science teacher know about her autism and understand why it caused her to struggle. My DS, although my younger, won’t even consider eating Christmas dinner but he enjoyed all the fun around it so it’s a real shame your DD missed out. Hope you and DD are ok

She should have known, yes. They are going to reiterate so hopefully there won't be a repeat. And yes, many DC with SEN miss out on so much and it was such a shame as she was all prepared and ready for it!

OP posts:
Runoutofinkagain · 19/12/2023 17:57

PamelaParis · 19/12/2023 17:53

It was hardly a "trauma", come on.
OP I agree with others that you need to work on your DD's resilience.

Show quote history

I think it can be very challenging for NT people to understand that something that can look rather innocuous to us can most definitely be traumatising to a ND individual, I wouldn't have realised until my DD came along, she would hang onto this moment for the rest of her life. I realise that sounds incredibly dramatic but she has been traumatised by far less.

OP- you have my sympathies, can the chocolate provide a buddy for her when she goes to unfamiliar classes?
Edited: That is meant to say school not chocolate!!

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 19/12/2023 17:57

Would she be better suited to a special school for ASD students? I've worked in one and they are brilliant at dealing with meltdowns and all other issues- that's what they're there for. And tiny classes.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 17:58

TerrysChocolateOrange · 19/12/2023 17:31

Not the teachers fault, but hey let’s blame her anyway, they get blamed for most everything, anyway.

The teacher did not follow the plan for my autistic DD. She has set her back. Yes, it is her fault.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 19/12/2023 17:58

Prinnny · 19/12/2023 17:46

Hardly the teachers fault, YABU to put your child’s meltdown onto them.

This my Foster Son struggles with new places. That might on its own be enough to trigger a melt down.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 19/12/2023 18:00

UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 17:58

The teacher did not follow the plan for my autistic DD. She has set her back. Yes, it is her fault.

Show quote history

What plan would prevent your dd having to wait to see where the spare seats are?

It sounds like a bit of entitlement is going on here too.

Witsend101 · 19/12/2023 18:00

This is 100% the schools fault. Your daughter should have a pupil profile which makes all her teachers aware of your daughters needs and a plan should have been in place prior to her going into the science lesson. However, I do think the school Christmas Dinner might have been a nightmare and imagine it would have been quite overwhelming for someone's first visit to the school canteen.

Jacfrost · 19/12/2023 18:00

OP you might be better off asking MNHQ to move this to the SN board. I'm disgusted by the replies on here.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 18:00

Alargeoneplease89 · 19/12/2023 17:31

As you've said she's been to science for the first time, maybe the teacher wasn't aware and is pretty reasonable to ask her to wait until everyone is seated before finding her seat. How do you know she snapped?

All teachers have been made aware. She didn't ask her anything. All other teachers have had a plan so DD is seated straight away. I know she snapped because my DD told me backed up by the LSA

OP posts:
GodDammitCecil · 19/12/2023 18:01

@UndertheCedartree do you really think coming onto Mumsnet is the best way to feel better about this………?

CommonOrNot · 19/12/2023 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

carolsandchristmas · 19/12/2023 18:04

Disgusting responses here OP.
Sorry this happened.

I'm glad she had a safe space to go.

Do you feel like the school supporting her in the correct way?

Your DD did amazingly just going into school after a set back.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 19/12/2023 18:04

UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 17:58

The teacher did not follow the plan for my autistic DD. She has set her back. Yes, it is her fault.

Show quote history

You know the teacher has 29 other kids to deal with as well as about 16 other classes? And its the end of a very, very long term.

EnidSpyton · 19/12/2023 18:05

UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 17:58

The teacher did not follow the plan for my autistic DD. She has set her back. Yes, it is her fault.

Show quote history

It is no one's fault that your daughter behaves in a particular way to certain triggers.

Please don't start this narrative with your daughter that the minute a teacher doesn't do something exactly as she wants, they are responsible for how she feels and responds. That's unhelpful for everyone, including your daughter.

Teachers can't always control their classrooms to be 100% friendly for an autistic child. Expecting them to always be able to follow a specific plan, always be able to respond like x to a situation and so on is unreasonable and unrealistic. Teachers are humans. Sometimes we will speak a little too harshly, sometimes we will make a joke that will be taken the wrong way, sometimes we will misjudge a situation or forget that X doesn't like sitting next to Y. Have you ever taught? Do you understand how frenetic a teaching day is and how many students a teacher will see on any given day? You do have to have realistic expectations, here. We do our best but we can't provide a truly 1-1 service in our current schooling environment, and if you expect that, you will be disappointed.

Witsend101 · 19/12/2023 18:06

The ignorance on this thread is disgusting. The basic lack of any empathy for a ND child who struggles with something a NT wouldn't is depressing but unfortunately not surprising.

pinkdelight · 19/12/2023 18:07

My DS is autistic so I understand how hard it is. I also understand how stressful it is for teachers at the end of term with a new student to deal amidst the busyness. She shouldn't have snapped but people do, I'm sure you do, we all do. It sounds like the head is receptive and steps will be taken to avoid this in future. But it will happen and it will be hard, but as she deals with it, hopefully she'll realise she coped and her resilience will build up.

For now, rather than this teacher becoming the focus, it's more likely the bigger issue of starting a new school, which is incredibly tough for any kid, let along an 11yo with autism joining just before Christmas. It must be stressful for you and her and a Christmas lunch wouldn't have made all the difference, so try to keep it in perspective if possible. Hopefully a reset and fresh start in January will help. Good luck.

gooddayruby · 19/12/2023 18:07

Lol at the people saying it will teach her 'resilience'. No experience with SEN at all clearly

Ladyj84 · 19/12/2023 18:08

Eh I'm really sorry but I come from an autistic family and the teacher did absolutely nothing wrong and stress can affect the dinner tantrum nothing to do with the teacher

carolsandchristmas · 19/12/2023 18:08

If you're diagnosed autistic and you get up and go to school everyday and manage life. Then they already have a ton of resilience. The replies on here are absolutely disgusting.
Educate yourself on autism. Also, it's not a race to the bottom about whose child is more autistic and has it worse.

ASD is all rooted around anxiety. Find ways to manage the anxiety and then the person will hopefully have a successful day.
Do something that's not the norm and very unsettling and that can trigger them.

Compassion is key.

EdgarsTale · 19/12/2023 18:09

Teachers are humans and therefore not perfect. Even SEN Pupils have to develop strategies to deal with issues like this. Life will be very hard for her if she gets upset so easily.

carolsandchristmas · 19/12/2023 18:11

Teachers ARE human. But if a new 11 year old girl who I knew was autistic came into my classroom, no matter how stressed or tired I was, I would ensure she felt comfortable and supported. This is not what happened. The opposite in fact.

The ignorance and downright ableism on this thread is disgusting