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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Love, darling, sweetheart etc.

335 replies

monsteraa · 12/12/2023 04:44

I hear these words regularly from men, day in, day out - bus drivers, tradesmen, shopkeepers, etc.

I don't like it when men I don't know call me these things, I find it patronising.

Sometimes I want to say 'I'm not your sweetheart' (but of course I don't, I'm too polite).

AIBU?

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 12/12/2023 12:58

I like it, providing the man is older than me.

Circularargument · 12/12/2023 12:59

WhatNoSauce · 12/12/2023 04:55

I don't mind being called any of those.
i like it, I don't find it offensive or patronising or anything else that people these days go into one over.

What do you want, a medal?

Verv · 12/12/2023 13:04

Circularargument · 12/12/2023 12:59

What do you want, a medal?

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What do you want, a saucer of milk?

VioletSkies12 · 12/12/2023 13:12

I don’t mind it but can sound fake and patronising by some

DejaVoodoo · 12/12/2023 13:47

CurlewKate · 12/12/2023 12:03

"When my Mum was in a care home, it was always the case that the kindest and most caring staff were the ones who called her by a term of endearment rather than her Christian name."

Could be true. Could also be the ones who couldn't be arsed to give her the dignity of her name.

But it's not either/or... I've seen carers, and indeed all manner people use both. It's not a replacement for a name, just an extra little endearment, often used to soften or lighten a situation:

OK, Harold, it's time for your tablets... there you go, love.

DejaVoodoo · 12/12/2023 13:51

DejaVoodoo · 12/12/2023 13:47

But it's not either/or... I've seen carers, and indeed all manner people use both. It's not a replacement for a name, just an extra little endearment, often used to soften or lighten a situation:

OK, Harold, it's time for your tablets... there you go, love.

Show quote history

It also shows a potentially confused person that the person is regarding them kindly, is trying to help, and means them no harm.

Original poster
monsteraa · 12/12/2023 14:10

PlacidPenelope · 12/12/2023 12:51

In my experience, it's unusual that men use those words for other men.

In other people's experience as detailed on this thread it isn't unusual, you either don't believe them or don't want to believe them as that undermines your stance.

You haven't answered whether you think women using darling or sweetheart to you are : patronising you and think you want to be her 'sweetheart' or her 'darling'. That they think you a delicate little thing to be cherished and taken care of, because you are female.

How about when women refer to men using those terms of endearment are they saying they want the man to be their sweetheart or darling too?

My OP clearly states that I am talking about about men using these words to women.

OP posts:
Alargeoneplease89 · 12/12/2023 16:01

monsteraa · 12/12/2023 12:18

No man has ever called my husband sweetheart. It's not directed at both sexes.

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Women have called my husband, sweetheart, love, darling? It's been all over the country- I don't understand why you see it as offensive/ demeaning. I would rather be called sweetheart then pal as pal is usually passive aggressive and not friendly

fetchacloth · 12/12/2023 16:01

RedheadRedBed · 12/12/2023 06:45

In Birmingham women are called Bab . When I got on a bus and paid the driver said Cheers Bab .

I moved to Birmingham in the early 1980s and was mortified when I first heard women being called Bab, but I've got used to it over the years and it's certainly not offensive.
It beats being called Dear 😊

BMWM340 · 12/12/2023 16:04

<eye roll>

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 12/12/2023 16:06

I work in a shop and I get various names from customers. Honey, sweetie, love, sweetheart... and I love it. I live alone, no significant other, so there's nobody else to call me love or sweetheart. It's nice to hear it from someone.

KvotheTheBloodless · 12/12/2023 16:14

I like it - it's not meant in a demeaning way, it's an expression of warmth. Women use the same words in most places.

I'm in Derbyshire, and people use 'flower' and 'love' here which is nice. Over in Sheffield though it's 'duck' which my DS finds hilarious and starts quacking when he hears it!

FreshWinterMorning · 12/12/2023 16:16

I really like it. I find it endearing. From men - and women.

By women I get called hun, luvvie, duck, bab, and babe.

By men I get called sweetie, sweetheart, luv, duck, and darlin'

No harm at all in it. In my world, if someone complained officially about it, they'd be laughed into the middle of next week.

roombaclean · 12/12/2023 16:22

SW men and women are called babber, lover, love. Whilst the affectionate terms differ, it's a thing pretty much everywhere in the UK. I like it, especially when coming from another woman. I get why you might find it off-putting though, like how some women despise 'girls'.

roombaclean · 12/12/2023 16:24

My fave is poppet but I haven't been called that in decades! 🙁

VioletSkies12 · 12/12/2023 16:27

I used to work with an Indian woman and she called people “dear”. I hated it but I guess it was a cultural thing. She did also use darling , sweetie and sweetheart and “bubba” one time which was a bit odd.. I think she forgot who I was for a second !

Week54 · 12/12/2023 16:29

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Week54 · 12/12/2023 16:29

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LeakyPipes · 12/12/2023 16:33

YANBU at all! Every since I was a very small child I hated to be called 'love'. I'd not have been able to explain why, so it was a profoundly visceral reaction. Ugh! :-)

I don't mind 'duck', though - somehow that feels friendly and quirky. I'd prolly just laugh if anyone other than an elderly person called me 'dear'.

bellac11 · 12/12/2023 17:38

CurlewKate · 12/12/2023 10:27

So. Can I offer a couple of scenarios?

Do you think it's fine for care workers to use terms of endearment rather than names for older people in their care?

Do you think it's fine for male managers to use terms of endearment for women staff? (You can bet your life they wouldn't use them for male staff!)

I dont have a problem with either of those.

I find the previous posters story about the care home and one complaint changing how people talk to others completely heartbreaking. Where is the warmth and soul of people these days.

As others have said, is there anything people dont manage to get offended by? Its like people go out of their way to get annoyed/offended/hurt/triggered/'uncomfortable'.

Jesus.

Escaperoom · 12/12/2023 17:43

I use these terms to my DH, DC's and DGC's but not anyone else unless they are under about 5.

If anyone uses them to me it doesn't bother me, but I am too old now to remotely take it seriously.

bellac11 · 12/12/2023 17:46

CurlewKate · 12/12/2023 11:00

@buffyajp "How on earth do you know they are making things up?"

Well, for a start, men do not call other men "love" in "the North" So, when anyone says they do, I know they are making things up.

Ive heard it in Yorkshire between men (not gay men) and Ive heard it between Yorkshiremen in London

CurlewKate · 12/12/2023 18:37

@bellac11 You can have warmth and soul and still give older people the dignity of their individuality and their name. Not an anonymous endearment. Some people in care homes have nobody using their names.

Rachaelrachael · 12/12/2023 18:59

bellac11 · 12/12/2023 17:46

Ive heard it in Yorkshire between men (not gay men) and Ive heard it between Yorkshiremen in London

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Absolutely! In my friendship group (Sheffield) the men all call each other and the girls love

bellac11 · 12/12/2023 19:06

I should add I dont live in Yorkshire and Im not from there, so the fact that Ive heard it enough times in my life not to be surprised by it shows it happens quite a lot.