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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Love, darling, sweetheart etc.

335 replies

monsteraa · 12/12/2023 04:44

I hear these words regularly from men, day in, day out - bus drivers, tradesmen, shopkeepers, etc.

I don't like it when men I don't know call me these things, I find it patronising.

Sometimes I want to say 'I'm not your sweetheart' (but of course I don't, I'm too polite).

AIBU?

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 12/12/2023 12:00

🤣Reminds me of one of those tongue in cheek "Advice for Tourists" things. "When in Yorkshire, remember always to address the barman as "love". He will be offended if you don't."

Tittyfilarious81 · 12/12/2023 12:01

I'm in the NW and it's perfectly normal for people to use these terms I've no problem with it ☺️

Issummernearlyover · 12/12/2023 12:03

When my dad worked for a South London company everyone was addressed as cock. I guess that's disappeared now.

CurlewKate · 12/12/2023 12:03

"When my Mum was in a care home, it was always the case that the kindest and most caring staff were the ones who called her by a term of endearment rather than her Christian name."

Could be true. Could also be the ones who couldn't be arsed to give her the dignity of her name.

notacooldad · 12/12/2023 12:03

Right, but some of us also don't want to be someone's 'honey'
You seriously aren't their honey. Most people won't have given you another thought once the interaction is over.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 12/12/2023 12:05

notacooldad · 12/12/2023 12:03

Right, but some of us also don't want to be someone's 'honey'
You seriously aren't their honey. Most people won't have given you another thought once the interaction is over.

Don't call me 'honey' then.
I am not honey.
I am not a honey.
I am not their honey.

Desecratedcoconut · 12/12/2023 12:05

notacooldad · 12/12/2023 12:03

Right, but some of us also don't want to be someone's 'honey'
You seriously aren't their honey. Most people won't have given you another thought once the interaction is over.

You mean....we won't be added to the will? 😲

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 12/12/2023 12:06

CurlewKate · 12/12/2023 12:03

"When my Mum was in a care home, it was always the case that the kindest and most caring staff were the ones who called her by a term of endearment rather than her Christian name."

Could be true. Could also be the ones who couldn't be arsed to give her the dignity of her name.

Hence my reply about finding out what they are usually called/what they feel happy being called. I'd prefer my name, the lady next to me might prefer 'sweetheart' and the lady two beds along might not care two hoots as long as she gets her tea at 4pm on the dot! Asking helps, ideally the person, if not then the relative.

Desecratedcoconut · 12/12/2023 12:09

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 12/12/2023 12:06

Hence my reply about finding out what they are usually called/what they feel happy being called. I'd prefer my name, the lady next to me might prefer 'sweetheart' and the lady two beds along might not care two hoots as long as she gets her tea at 4pm on the dot! Asking helps, ideally the person, if not then the relative.

Show quote history

For someone who doesn't like to be called anything, you really seem to have over-complicated this a lot and fabricated rules that most people have managed fine without.

Original poster
monsteraa · 12/12/2023 12:12

Honestly, stop being such a bloody curmudgeon it is not a sinister way of referring to people, it is not being done to demean or patronise.

Yeah, this is the kind of response I was expecting and find really interesting.

I think terms of endearment are lovely if they are non-gendered. In some Northern towns for example, people call each other 'chuck', and that's lovely. It's used for a man or a woman in a friendly way.

What is patronising is that a man would think I want to be his 'sweetheart' or his 'darling'. That I like being a delicate little thing to be cherished and taken care of, because I'm female. It reinforces a kind of female vulnerability.

I know that this is not intentionally patronising on the part of every man who says it - it's often said without thinking as a friendly thing. But what's behind/ underneath the use of these words for women is actually quite patronising and demeaning.

Men are referred to as buddy or pal or mate - all much more equal.

OP posts:
Clarabellasingsthisbit · 12/12/2023 12:15

SOxon · 12/12/2023 10:23

Well thank you for this, memory, I had forgotten these, Queen, (he treats me like a Queeeeen!) and hey, Gurrl.

Now digging out my Lern yerself Scouse little book of wisdoms ha ha, favourite salutation, on attracting the attention of the waiter, being “Ey, you wid de ‘ead!”
perhaps this might catch on do you think?
I might attempt this in our local Waitrose later. Beats ‘mate’ hands down.

Show quote history

I'm dipping in and out of this thread while on a boring train journey,but I'm so glad I came across your comments @SOxon and @Fleamaker because I was going to comment about the use of "Queen" here in Liverpool😁
I was just thinking that I haven't heard it in ages and wonder if its use was prevalent amongst an older generation? I always remember the school dinner ladies calling us that!😁

Original poster
monsteraa · 12/12/2023 12:18

lollo8 · 12/12/2023 07:42

YABVVU.

It's friendly, and directed at both sexes and all ages. Not something to get fussy and prickly over. You are not literally someone's sweetheart.

I suspect the people who complain about this are often motivated by classist snobbery.

No man has ever called my husband sweetheart. It's not directed at both sexes.

OP posts:
Desecratedcoconut · 12/12/2023 12:18

Obviously if someone refers to you as pet during a board meeting then it diminishes your seniority and it's inappropriate but if you are out and about and someone adds it as they thank you for keeping a door open, then it's a kindness.

If it's ambiguous then reply in kind, "All fixed, darling", "Brill, how much do I owe you, petal?"

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 12/12/2023 12:19

Desecratedcoconut · 12/12/2023 12:09

For someone who doesn't like to be called anything, you really seem to have over-complicated this a lot and fabricated rules that most people have managed fine without.

Show quote history

How is asking someone/their relative what they like to be called remotely complicated though? It's basic respect.

Catza · 12/12/2023 12:25

monsteraa · 12/12/2023 12:18

No man has ever called my husband sweetheart. It's not directed at both sexes.

Show quote history

My partner gets called "love" and "darling" on a regular basis. Maybe your husband is just not a darling...

PlacidPenelope · 12/12/2023 12:28

monsteraa · 12/12/2023 12:12

Honestly, stop being such a bloody curmudgeon it is not a sinister way of referring to people, it is not being done to demean or patronise.

Yeah, this is the kind of response I was expecting and find really interesting.

I think terms of endearment are lovely if they are non-gendered. In some Northern towns for example, people call each other 'chuck', and that's lovely. It's used for a man or a woman in a friendly way.

What is patronising is that a man would think I want to be his 'sweetheart' or his 'darling'. That I like being a delicate little thing to be cherished and taken care of, because I'm female. It reinforces a kind of female vulnerability.

I know that this is not intentionally patronising on the part of every man who says it - it's often said without thinking as a friendly thing. But what's behind/ underneath the use of these words for women is actually quite patronising and demeaning.

Men are referred to as buddy or pal or mate - all much more equal.

Edited

As people have pointed out on here in some northern areas men are referred to as 'love' just as much as women are, do you think the men being referred to as such think that the person saying it actually thinks they want to be his 'love'? Or that they are a delicate little thing to be cherished? And do you apply the same level of searching for deep hidden meaning if/when a woman refers to you by sweetheart or darling?

It is just pleasantries fgs.

Should my husband think that my relatives that refer to him as pet actually think he is a pet and be most offended?

Avacardo2023 · 12/12/2023 12:32

I don't mind it, I don't care what people call me as long as it's not rude. I like going to different places and hearing different terms like hen and duck.

I'm not surprised that people use these general terms of endearment as it's an absolute minefield calling anyone sir or madam nowadays and best avoided.

Original poster
monsteraa · 12/12/2023 12:33

Catza · 12/12/2023 12:25

My partner gets called "love" and "darling" on a regular basis. Maybe your husband is just not a darling...

Show quote history

Men call your husband 'darling'?

OP posts:
PlacidPenelope · 12/12/2023 12:34

I'm not surprised that people use these general terms of endearment as it's an absolute minefield calling anyone sir or madam nowadays and best avoided.

Indeed.

Catza · 12/12/2023 12:36

monsteraa · 12/12/2023 12:33

Men call your husband 'darling'?

Show quote history

Both men and women. Women more so, admittedly. But unless you are suggesting women are undermining my husband by calling him darling....
My former FIL also called his plumber "darling".

Original poster
monsteraa · 12/12/2023 12:41

Catza · 12/12/2023 12:36

Both men and women. Women more so, admittedly. But unless you are suggesting women are undermining my husband by calling him darling....
My former FIL also called his plumber "darling".

Show quote history

I'm talking about specifically men using terms like 'darling', 'love' and 'sweetheart' towards women.

In my experience, it's unusual that men use those words for other men.

Other men are usually 'buddy' 'pal' 'mate' etc. - much more equal.

OP posts:
fetchacloth · 12/12/2023 12:46

It doesn't bother me one bit. In fact sometimes it's nice to hear the odd endearment, it adds a bit of warmth to a conversation.
Very rarely do I call anyone out on it only when I feel I'm being patronised. I don't hold back then 😁

Scorchio84 · 12/12/2023 12:51

I don't mind these expressions at all & I agree they add a bit of warmth to an otherwise run-of-the-mill interation, I love when my friends from the north of England call me "Duck" it's so specific to them & it sounds lovely to my Irish ears, I pepper my conversations/interactions with "Chief" & so far no one has been mortally offended

PlacidPenelope · 12/12/2023 12:51

In my experience, it's unusual that men use those words for other men.

In other people's experience as detailed on this thread it isn't unusual, you either don't believe them or don't want to believe them as that undermines your stance.

You haven't answered whether you think women using darling or sweetheart to you are : patronising you and think you want to be her 'sweetheart' or her 'darling'. That they think you a delicate little thing to be cherished and taken care of, because you are female.

How about when women refer to men using those terms of endearment are they saying they want the man to be their sweetheart or darling too?

Pewpewbarneymcgrew · 12/12/2023 12:56

Whereabouts in the country are you op ?