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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with a boy and upset

524 replies

Globenew · 04/12/2023 19:25

I know IABU but I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way! I need some home truths and some advice if anyone else has felt this way.

I have a daughter already and have recently found out that pregnant with a baby boy. I feel awful about feeling this way but I am really upset. I have only ever wanted girls and so decided to stop at 1 when I got pregnant with a girl frost time.

This pregnancy caught us by surprise. I know that logically I am very lucky. But I don’t feel this way. My sister in law (we are married to brothers) has 2 daughters and we saw them at in laws on Saturday and it brought all the feelings back up again. (I have been trying to think positively and get over myself but now can’t stop thinking about it again)

I feel short changed. And like she has had it fall perfectly for her. My nieces were talking about how they’re Elsa and Anna and I felt so jealous for my DD. I also feel embarrassed because I made no secret of how happy I was to have a girl and that I didn’t want boys. So now I look a fool.

No one seems as excited about my pregnancy and I feel like if it was a girl they would be.

I am not sure if I’m making much sense but it has helped to write it out.

How can I stop feeling this way.

OP posts:
usererror99 · 04/12/2023 20:04

* I* need some home truths

Since you asked and this is AIBU I'm not going to sugar coat it. Go check out the infertility and miscarriage boards and then come back - perhaps you'll start to feel a bit more grateful for the incredible gift you've been given.

I could maybe maybe understand if you hadn't had a girl already and were worried you'd miss out on the mother daughter bond script that gets trooped out by those who are experiencing gender disappointment but you already have that. So honestly you just sound whiny and ungrateful that you didn't get what present you wanted on Xmas day

mrsjackrussell · 04/12/2023 20:04

That’s so sad you feel that way.
I think that knowing the gender before birth should be banned. Apart obviously for medical genetic reasons.

Lordofmyflies · 04/12/2023 20:04

You sound slightly nuts OP. Honestly, you're jealous on behalf of your daughter not having a relationship like in a Disney film?! Count your blessing for having a healthy pregnancy and then count them again that you are having a son who is not going to make your ears bleed with wingeing tales of school girly fall-outs for the next 12 years.

Fishlegs · 04/12/2023 20:04

You can’t help how you feel, so be kind to yourself. Once he’s born you’ll accept him as he is.

My eldest is a boy, I wanted a girl and although I loved him dearly from birth, I had dreams for months after he was born that he was a girl. However he’s brilliant and I wouldn’t change him for anything. He’s now 18, and such a lovely lad, I’m so proud of him.

wineoclock90 · 04/12/2023 20:04

Letsgotitans · 04/12/2023 20:03

Her feelings aren't valid though, they are ridiculous. She needs to get a grip.

Yes they are. She's allowed to feel how she feels.

OldTinHat · 04/12/2023 20:04

My first was a boy (didn't ask at the scan). My second was a boy (did ask at the scan - I wouldn't have known what to do with a girl!). I was so happy, boys are the best imo.

Saggypants · 04/12/2023 20:04

wineoclock90 · 04/12/2023 19:59

No need for this. Her feelings are valid. I felt the same. Obviously changed so I imagine it will with her

Show quote history

She doesn't want the baby. She didn't want ANY baby and now especially doesn't want this one. If you think that's a valid way for her to feel why isn't my suggestion a sensible one?

Maireas · 04/12/2023 20:04

narwhalsarereal · 04/12/2023 20:01

and there's me just desperately wanting to be pregnant & I would be happy with either.

I really can't stand these posts

They appear quite frequently, don't they? Depressing.

madeleine85 · 04/12/2023 20:05

I always wanted two girls, had my second one's name picked forever. We had a DD and then a DS who is an absolute delight, much easier than my daughter and a truly lovely baby in every which way. We had a stresful end to pregnancy, and by the time he got there I couldn't have cared less about his sex, only that he was healthy (and i'm blessed that he is). It is a change to get your head around, and compared to having a girl, there hasn't been much different tbh except a few clothes, and the occasional bout of being peed on when changing, which fortunately hasn't happened very often at all.

theduchessofspork · 04/12/2023 20:05

Moomoo75 · 04/12/2023 19:39

Believe me . Little boys love their mums in a way that little girls Don't. It will catch you by surprise and fill you with warmth. Girls are fabulous too but there is something special about boys. You have it all to look forward to.

This is as daft as the OP..

Artichoke88 · 04/12/2023 20:05

You are blessed with a daughter and have been blessed with a son on the way and you have already decided that he's not part of the picture you painted in your head. What makes you think that your daughter would get on better with a sister than with a brother? When it comes to conception, it's a case of you get what you get. Stop being immature and being jealous of your SIL, look forward with a positive mindset.

Gillypie23 · 04/12/2023 20:05

I cant even tell you how selfish you are.

Angelsrolltheireyes2 · 04/12/2023 20:06

I felt a bit like this when I found out my second (due next month!) is a boy. There was no logic to it at all. I had the exact same thought about an Elsa and Anna princess sister friendship that my daughter would not get but it truly was inexplicable. I have gotten used to it now and am so excited to have a boy on the way - I dreamt the other night that he came out a girl and was disappointed then too so I can't win against my own brain!!

Something that has helped is knowing that I will get to have a wonderful mother/daughter relationship and a wonderful mother/son relationship with each of my children and if I'd had two girls, would their relationship become so close that I'd be pushed out? I only have brothers and so am very close to my mum - we got for coffee together and to the theatre and it's lovely. My sisters-in-law are very close to each other and less so to their mum because if they are going out they go with each other not their mum.

Regardless, there are never any guarantees of any kind of relationship between or with your kids and you will make the best relationships with both your kids regardless of sex/gender. Accept and acknowledge the way that you feel for now but know that it will pass and in a few months you'll find some gorgeous boy clothes (they do exist!) and you'll be so excited to meet your son ❤️

wineoclock90 · 04/12/2023 20:06

Saggypants · 04/12/2023 20:04

She doesn't want the baby. She didn't want ANY baby and now especially doesn't want this one. If you think that's a valid way for her to feel why isn't my suggestion a sensible one?

Show quote history

Her feelings will change. Mine did. I always wanted a girl got a boy and was so disappointed but my feelings changed as my pregnancy progressed and when he was born

Nochocolateuntilchristmas · 04/12/2023 20:07

Wow. Honestly you don't know how lucky you are! I have a boy and they are the best (imo), they are so funny and cheeky.

Meowandthen · 04/12/2023 20:07

narwhalsarereal · 04/12/2023 20:01

and there's me just desperately wanting to be pregnant & I would be happy with either.

I really can't stand these posts

💐 Some people don’t realise how lucky they are.

Zooeyzo · 04/12/2023 20:07

You're very silly OP. You have a girl and still complain.

Tacotortoise · 04/12/2023 20:07

Lisalalala · 04/12/2023 19:58

This is a disgusting thing to suggest

Show quote history

Tbf it's no more disgusting than getting pregnant when you know you've got a 50% chance of not wanting the outcome. And far better than bringing an unwanted child into the world (not all mothers get over having a child of the "wrong" sex).

theduchessofspork · 04/12/2023 20:08

Saggypants · 04/12/2023 20:04

She doesn't want the baby. She didn't want ANY baby and now especially doesn't want this one. If you think that's a valid way for her to feel why isn't my suggestion a sensible one?

Show quote history

Because nothing in her post indicates she isn’t containing the pregnancy, thus you are just being childish and bitchy, as you very well know. If this kind of thread bothers you, don’t read it.

LuckyOrMaybe · 04/12/2023 20:08

I had a daughter then a son. In some ways they are complementary, in other ways very similar. If we'd been in a position to have a third I might well have ended up hoping for another boy, it has been my son who I seemed to have most in common with - but that's almost certainly just the chance of it. Like several other posters, he's been the most affectionate caring child and I am so incredibly proud of the young man he has become, just as I am incredibly proud of the young woman his sister is.

I hope that with time you will become comfortable with your new reality and then be ready to love your baby just as much as you always were going to. Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy.

catsanddogsandrabbits · 04/12/2023 20:08

I was the same. I was so shocked that my second was going to be a boy. I'd always thought I'd have two girls. I suddenly wanted not to be pregnant. But I got used to the idea - and when he was born I loved him. I loved him so much. And he is completely different from his sister - but we are very close. And I'm SO glad I have one of each.
I had brothers - and that was great. And my DD loves having a brother. It's been good for her.

So that's my experience. You're not evil for feeling how you feel - and it's not that uncommon. But there are no guarantees with children and nothing to say that it won't be your boy who makes you happiest. Who knows.

Just love him - because as a PPs have said - you will be his whole world and he needs you.

Meowandthen · 04/12/2023 20:08

OldTinHat · 04/12/2023 20:04

My first was a boy (didn't ask at the scan). My second was a boy (did ask at the scan - I wouldn't have known what to do with a girl!). I was so happy, boys are the best imo.

No. One sex is not better than the other. 🙄

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/12/2023 20:08

You need to try and let go of the gender stereotypes because children are children and often don’t end up exactly how you may imagine them.

Not all sisters are best friends
Plenty of brothers and sisters are close
Personality matters more.

Mistymist · 04/12/2023 20:09

Great advice!
OP, there are women who would give anything to hold their babies in their arms. Many of them never do.

Exasperatednow · 04/12/2023 20:09

I have one of each. I come from a family of girls and wasn't sure I'd know what to do with a boy. I discovered he's just a person like my dd is just a person. They are both delightful and annoying. Now both young adults.
Ds and I just booked to go out to dinner next week. It will be fine.

P.s. one of my sisters is difficult so there is no guarantees...and my dd and ds get on brilliantly.