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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with a boy and upset

524 replies

Globenew · 04/12/2023 19:25

I know IABU but I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way! I need some home truths and some advice if anyone else has felt this way.

I have a daughter already and have recently found out that pregnant with a baby boy. I feel awful about feeling this way but I am really upset. I have only ever wanted girls and so decided to stop at 1 when I got pregnant with a girl frost time.

This pregnancy caught us by surprise. I know that logically I am very lucky. But I don’t feel this way. My sister in law (we are married to brothers) has 2 daughters and we saw them at in laws on Saturday and it brought all the feelings back up again. (I have been trying to think positively and get over myself but now can’t stop thinking about it again)

I feel short changed. And like she has had it fall perfectly for her. My nieces were talking about how they’re Elsa and Anna and I felt so jealous for my DD. I also feel embarrassed because I made no secret of how happy I was to have a girl and that I didn’t want boys. So now I look a fool.

No one seems as excited about my pregnancy and I feel like if it was a girl they would be.

I am not sure if I’m making much sense but it has helped to write it out.

How can I stop feeling this way.

OP posts:
Anonymouslyposting · 04/12/2023 19:58

I have a 3 year old DD and a 10 month old DS. Obviously not counting my chickens but so far their bond is lovely. DD loves caring for DS and DS finds DD hilarious. If I’d been asked I’d probably have chosen to have a second DD but I wouldn’t change DS for anything.

Lisalalala · 04/12/2023 19:58

Precipice · 04/12/2023 19:54

Can't you abort still if you don't want a boy?

This is a disgusting thing to suggest

Rosiiee · 04/12/2023 19:59

Aw OP I feel for you! It’s ok to have gender disappointment! I was so disappointed when I found out I was pregnant with another boy! We so badly wanted a girl and had already picked her name out. It took me a few weeks to feel properly bonded with the baby when he was born (not sure if this has to do with gender disappointment though). One of each would’ve been ideal but I can’t imagine having a girl now. So happy with my boys :)

wineoclock90 · 04/12/2023 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No need for this. Her feelings are valid. I felt the same. Obviously changed so I imagine it will with her

SussexLass87 · 04/12/2023 19:59

Precipice · 04/12/2023 19:54

Can't you abort still if you don't want a boy?

What the fuck?!

Tacotortoise · 04/12/2023 20:00

How can I stop feeling this way?

You can find out there's something terribly wrong with your baby. Gender disappointment rarely survives that.

allgood3 · 04/12/2023 20:00

Moomoo75 seriously, go back and read that again and swap boy for girl and think of the outrage. Of course boys do not love their parents more than girls do, or are more special, what a terrible thing to say, and I hope you don't ever have a daughter. OP babies are babies/ children are children, we all have pre conceived ideas of our future family, but the vast majority end up grateful for the babies they have once they are here, and couldn't imagine any other .

Pottedpalm · 04/12/2023 20:00

Oh don’t worry, my ds is the most loving, kind, empathetic young man you could hope to meet. I still get a hug every time he sees me and even though he is newly married to my delightful DiL and they have a baby on the way, he still has time for me and his DF and is constantly thanking us for everything we have done for him.

caringcarer · 04/12/2023 20:00

Blueeyes13 · 04/12/2023 19:54

My son was born with a disability. On the day he was born I kept thinking that he couldn't really be my baby and that my real baby was somewhere else. I couldn't look at him or hold him for a few hours. It was then that I started feeling sorry for him and how awful it was that his own mother didn't want him. It really made me sit up and realise that this vulnerable little baby needed a mother and that like it or not, that was me. I found that I wanted to fight for him. Gradually, over a week or so we bonded and he became part of our family. He is 14 now and I can't imagine life without him. He is the funniest, most caring boy that loves his sister dearly and we adore him. I sometimes look back at those first few hours with him and feel so guilty that I felt that way about him. If I'd known how wonderful having him would be, I'd never have felt that way at first! Having a boy is every bit as wonderful as having a girl. Yes, it might take a little while to adjust your thinking, but your baby needs you to fight his corner and be his mum. He's going to love you and you will be his world.

💕

roseberrycherry · 04/12/2023 20:01

Having one of each is soo special!! I have one of each! But my second was a boy and it's he is so loving. You are very very blessed

theduchessofspork · 04/12/2023 20:01

You feel how you feel - it’ll change when you hold him, so don’t try and force it now.

Your hormones are probably mucking you about now anyway, so just focus on reminding yourself that your are having a small human - both he and your daughter will grow up to be individuals that probably don’t fit any of the expectations you have for them.

Perhaps you will always feel in the abstract you’d have liked another girl, but you will soon love him for being him

cbuew9 · 04/12/2023 20:01

And here's my neighbour who has tried 4 years of IVF just to have ONE child....😑

AllWeWantToDo · 04/12/2023 20:01

Well I lost my 4th boy at 20 weeks when my cervix failed , I did go on to have a 5th boy though after intervention . I feel very lucky that over 18 years and all the mc and the later loss I was able to have so many babies. Some people aren't as lucky

I have no idea why people have this big issue with the sex of their children . All 4 of my boys are different as they obviously have differentpersonalities

I can't think of one reason why having girls would have been better

Blev2022 · 04/12/2023 20:01

I felt a bit disappointed when I realised my second was a boy. I wanted a second girl because I assumed the closeness would be there and I was never close to my brother.

Boys are the absolute best. My son is so sweet, so affectionate and so polite. He absolutely adores his big sister and they are the best of friends (when they're not fighting, but they are only 2 and 4!)

You have no idea what having a boy is like, because you've never had one. I would remind yourself of all the amazing cuddles and love you have coming your way.

olivialennox · 04/12/2023 20:01

No one seems as excited about my pregnancy and I feel like if it was a girl they would be.

what makes you think that? Most people don’t have a preference for baby girls, that is your own feelings. The ‘excitement’ is often less for second pregnancies sadly, nothing to do with the baby not being a girl, what a weird way to think.

narwhalsarereal · 04/12/2023 20:01

and there's me just desperately wanting to be pregnant & I would be happy with either.

I really can't stand these posts

Bumcake · 04/12/2023 20:01

Gosh, this is a rough read. Poor kid.

tsmainsqueeze · 04/12/2023 20:02

Everydayimhuffling · 04/12/2023 19:30

You know it's a boy, so presumably you have had the anomaly scan and know that the baby is healthy. You remind yourself of that. You imagine all the fun lovely things you will do with your boy. You can think about how much your daughter will love her little brother.

You acknowledge the feelings but don't indulge them. You remind yourself to be grateful and practise gratitude. You don't share your hurtful attitude or allow it to colour your son's life.

This sums it up , you are having a gorgeous baby and you should thank your lucky stars.
I have 2 boys and a girl who i love equally , they are themselves, their sex is irrelevant , i love 'them' as they are my precious children that were once precious babies , same as yours.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 04/12/2023 20:02

You could've had a girl and they wouldn't have gotten on.
Your son and daughter may be best friends.
Their sex has nothing to do with how they will be together.

At the end of the day, this is your child, regardless of sex.

Fwiw, I have two boys. They are brilliant little lads. My eldest is sweet, sensitive and a huge mummy's boy. My youngest is still a baby but so cheeky and cheery.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 04/12/2023 20:02

Put the baby up for adoption then. Let him be brought up hy parents who really want him and will value him for who he is.

This kind of shit makes me so angry. You have been blessed with a baby. Be thankful ffs

Blev2022 · 04/12/2023 20:03

olivialennox · 04/12/2023 20:01

No one seems as excited about my pregnancy and I feel like if it was a girl they would be.

what makes you think that? Most people don’t have a preference for baby girls, that is your own feelings. The ‘excitement’ is often less for second pregnancies sadly, nothing to do with the baby not being a girl, what a weird way to think.

I 100% second this. My experience was people were just less excited the second time around, it' was gender irrelevant.

olivialennox · 04/12/2023 20:03

Lisalalala · 04/12/2023 19:58

This is a disgusting thing to suggest

Show quote history

I’m assuming the poster is trying to give OP some perspective rather than it being a serious suggestion

Maireas · 04/12/2023 20:03

Highlyflavouredgravy · 04/12/2023 20:02

Put the baby up for adoption then. Let him be brought up hy parents who really want him and will value him for who he is.

This kind of shit makes me so angry. You have been blessed with a baby. Be thankful ffs

Good idea. Someone would want him and give him a loving home.

theduchessofspork · 04/12/2023 20:03

Also the business about no one being as excited is because it’s your second pregnancy and grandchild number 4. The first ones always get more attention.

Letsgotitans · 04/12/2023 20:03

Her feelings aren't valid though, they are ridiculous. She needs to get a grip.