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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with a boy and upset

524 replies

Globenew · 04/12/2023 19:25

I know IABU but I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way! I need some home truths and some advice if anyone else has felt this way.

I have a daughter already and have recently found out that pregnant with a baby boy. I feel awful about feeling this way but I am really upset. I have only ever wanted girls and so decided to stop at 1 when I got pregnant with a girl frost time.

This pregnancy caught us by surprise. I know that logically I am very lucky. But I don’t feel this way. My sister in law (we are married to brothers) has 2 daughters and we saw them at in laws on Saturday and it brought all the feelings back up again. (I have been trying to think positively and get over myself but now can’t stop thinking about it again)

I feel short changed. And like she has had it fall perfectly for her. My nieces were talking about how they’re Elsa and Anna and I felt so jealous for my DD. I also feel embarrassed because I made no secret of how happy I was to have a girl and that I didn’t want boys. So now I look a fool.

No one seems as excited about my pregnancy and I feel like if it was a girl they would be.

I am not sure if I’m making much sense but it has helped to write it out.

How can I stop feeling this way.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 04/12/2023 19:51

What an awful post. Babies are a gift and there are 1000s of women the world over who would give a limb for a lovely healthy baby, boy or girl.

Yours sincerely,
The mother of several lovely sons

BMIwoes · 04/12/2023 19:52

Boys are lovely. My 10 year old saw that I had a burn on my arm yesterday ( baking tray accident) and immediately made me a cold compress and tied it on my arm then gave me a hug to make me feel better - no hinting on my part, he's just thoughtful and kind. He also likes to play dressing up and will happily paint my nails and massage my feet (for a price 🤣). I'm typing this waiting for him to finish his football training. Boys are all kinds of things a d your boy will be extra special to you when he arrives.

AIstolemylunch · 04/12/2023 19:52

You're being ridiculous. Not everyone thinks girls are superior princesses. Perhaps people are less excited because you're walking around looking miserable about having a healthy pregnancy.

caringcarer · 04/12/2023 19:52

Baby boys are ❤️❤️. My boys were so loving and affectionate when little kids, now they are adults and we are still close. I have a Foster Son and really enjoy taking him to play cricket. It takes hours and I love to see him take wickets or score runs. Picnic lunch, no better feeling. Focus on your baby is healthy. Once he's born you will melt.

Cackleandcluck · 04/12/2023 19:53

I understand, I do. I was the same when I found out my second was another boy. But when I thought about it, I worked out why. I lost my mum at a very young age. I never got the mum experience and I wanted a little girl to do that with. I wanted to go on spa days and get my nails done with my daughter. But I won’t and if it’s any consolation my boys adore me. I love having boys. They are funny, silly, loud and they make me so happy. I haven’t missed out on anything because it’s been replaced by something else.

ConsuelaHammock · 04/12/2023 19:53

Boys are wonderful. Honestly you will absolutely adore him when he’s here and wonder how you lived without him. I have one of each and I would have loved to have had another boy.
It’s funny how families are different. Both our families have a farming background. Boys are the preferred sex to carry on the family name and land ownership. My youngest brother has three girls and I know people have said things to him about trying for a boy. My sister in law had three girls and kept going until she got her boy.
The sex of a child won’t determine who they are or how they will behave, play, dress. My daughter is a real Tom boy. Never played with a doll in her life and a bigger gamer than her brother. Just because you have a girl doesn’t mean she’ll be girlie.

Mojodojocasahaus · 04/12/2023 19:54

Nah boys rock, so affectionate, you don’t have to faff around with hair and boys aren’t mean like girls. Honestly this is such a blessing.

Anna and Elsa! Honestly 🙈

Chardonnay73 · 04/12/2023 19:54

She’s not ‘down’ though is she? She has a healthy baby inside her. Not found out her baby has a life limiting illness and needs to decide if she should terminate the pregnancy or let the baby be born and live for however long its short life will be.
Sorry but this just sticks in my craw for so many reasons.
OP take a long hard look at yourself and what you’ve written here and be ashamed. And do some work on yourself to change your mindset before this lovely healthy boy arrives.

Blueeyes13 · 04/12/2023 19:54

My son was born with a disability. On the day he was born I kept thinking that he couldn't really be my baby and that my real baby was somewhere else. I couldn't look at him or hold him for a few hours. It was then that I started feeling sorry for him and how awful it was that his own mother didn't want him. It really made me sit up and realise that this vulnerable little baby needed a mother and that like it or not, that was me. I found that I wanted to fight for him. Gradually, over a week or so we bonded and he became part of our family. He is 14 now and I can't imagine life without him. He is the funniest, most caring boy that loves his sister dearly and we adore him. I sometimes look back at those first few hours with him and feel so guilty that I felt that way about him. If I'd known how wonderful having him would be, I'd never have felt that way at first! Having a boy is every bit as wonderful as having a girl. Yes, it might take a little while to adjust your thinking, but your baby needs you to fight his corner and be his mum. He's going to love you and you will be his world.

QueSyrahSyrah · 04/12/2023 19:54

My darling friend tried for years to have a child and eventually had to give up and accept she will never be a Mum. I'm sure she'd have him if you don't want him, poor love. FFS.

Thepossibility · 04/12/2023 19:54

I have a girl and two boys and honestly I wanted the girl more than I wanted the boys due to my preconceived notions of what girls and boys would be like.
But my boys are MINE. They are Mummy's boys through and through. They are much snugglier and cuddlier than their sister (even my 9 yo) and their eyes light up when they see ME. Their sister is the same with everyone and hates hugs.
Give the little boy a chance.

Precipice · 04/12/2023 19:54

Can't you abort still if you don't want a boy?

Nowherenew · 04/12/2023 19:55

I felt the same way when I heard I was having a girl.

It wasn’t even that I didn’t like girls, it was because I was convinced I was having a boy and couldn’t get my head around it not being what I thought.

But having a girl was the best thing ever and I can’t believe I was so upset over it.

I truly believe we get given the sex of the child we need, not what we initially want.

Most people would love one of each.

I promise you that once you’ve changed your mind set and thought about the positives you will love having a boy too.

Iam4eels · 04/12/2023 19:55

Really OP, speak to your midwife if these feelings don't go away. Negative feelings about your pregnancy are one of the key signs of antenatal depression. She isn't going to judge you and she'll be able to signpost you toward some support.

I was infertile for almost a decade, lost three babies, have two disabled children and was utterly stunned to learn the sex of my first DC but none of this is fucking relevant because it's not about me and my losses and struggles do not override your perfectly valid feelings.

Herefordeals · 04/12/2023 19:55

I haven't read the other comments but you asked for honesty...

I think you need to remember you're carrying a tiny little human. Isn't that a blessing? As someone who has had multiple losses and currently now recovering from ectopic surgery and worrying I might never conceive again I despair reading things like this. You really don't know how lucky you are.

Saggypants · 04/12/2023 19:56

This reply has been deleted

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SussexLass87 · 04/12/2023 19:56

Honestly? You sound so ungrateful.

I wish I could write something kinder, but the anti-boy threads on here really piss me off.

CharlotteRose90 · 04/12/2023 19:56

Some people can’t have one kid and yet you’re embarrassed about having a boy. You should be ashamed and grateful you can have a healthy baby boy. I hate threads like this. Girls aren’t the be all of the world.

Crimsonripple · 04/12/2023 19:56

You're allowed to feel the way you do but I think some perspective is needed for you to try and snap out of it quickly. You have a healthy baby. I've had three miscarriages in a row trying for our second baby. We may only be blessed with one....he's a boy. And the most beautiful boy ever! I love being a boy mum!

CountTessa · 04/12/2023 19:56

I wonder what you feel would be 'bad or 'wrong' with a boy? Some people might consider you lucky to have one of each and a 'perfect' family.

One of my colleagues once told me they missed having a teenage daughter to go shopping with (i didn't have the heart to tell her that I would have poked hot needles in my eyes rather than go shopping with my mum as a teen).

And there is no guarantee your daughter will want to do/like being the 'pink girl'. I imagine there are a lot of us here who are exceptionally proud of our football/rugby/cricket playing convention busting girls.

When you start to look at the advantages you may feel differently. Good luck with your journey.

CroccyWoccy · 04/12/2023 19:57

We had the Anna and Elsa phase. Let it Go was the most played song in our house for YEARS. I have two boys.

Every child is unique, and the things that make them unique are much much more than whether they are a boy or a girl. My boys are so different from each other in every way (but firm friends nevertheless). The fact they are both boys is quite incidental to the individual humans that they are.

wishing3 · 04/12/2023 19:57

I have a toddler girl and a baby boy and the way they look at each other just melts my heart. That sibling bond if you get it isn’t based on sex. I hope you start to feel excitement about your new baby.

MrsMarzetti · 04/12/2023 19:57

Be glad it is a boy, we have 2 girls and 4 boys and i thank the lord every day that we only have 2 girls. One girl is more than enough.

SkyTree · 04/12/2023 19:57

Your post makes it sound like everyone likes girls better, and everyone wants one. I assure you, they don’t!

When you say people aren’t excited because it’s a boy you are projecting. It means very little to anyone other than the parents what sex someone’s baby is.

littlestrawberryhat · 04/12/2023 19:58

Sorry you’re feeling sad about it and it’s very brave to come on here and tell your truth. Of course it’s ok to be disappointed and I’m sure it’s very very common. What I will say, is that my little boy is just the most wonderful, loving, affectionate, sweetest little thing in the world. Boys are very special and remember to think of the future not just the little girly fun bits. You will have a wonderful grown up man in your life who I’m sure will always look out for you. Im
sure once he is here you will feel very differently. Wishing you all the best x