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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with a boy and upset

524 replies

Globenew · 04/12/2023 19:25

I know IABU but I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way! I need some home truths and some advice if anyone else has felt this way.

I have a daughter already and have recently found out that pregnant with a baby boy. I feel awful about feeling this way but I am really upset. I have only ever wanted girls and so decided to stop at 1 when I got pregnant with a girl frost time.

This pregnancy caught us by surprise. I know that logically I am very lucky. But I don’t feel this way. My sister in law (we are married to brothers) has 2 daughters and we saw them at in laws on Saturday and it brought all the feelings back up again. (I have been trying to think positively and get over myself but now can’t stop thinking about it again)

I feel short changed. And like she has had it fall perfectly for her. My nieces were talking about how they’re Elsa and Anna and I felt so jealous for my DD. I also feel embarrassed because I made no secret of how happy I was to have a girl and that I didn’t want boys. So now I look a fool.

No one seems as excited about my pregnancy and I feel like if it was a girl they would be.

I am not sure if I’m making much sense but it has helped to write it out.

How can I stop feeling this way.

OP posts:
HelloOhHell · 05/12/2023 09:08

…These type of posts should be automatically deleted…

HarryOHayandBettyOBarley · 05/12/2023 09:10

blackfluffycat · 05/12/2023 07:33

This is turned into a daughter bashing thread.

It’s pretty transparent to see that the posters who are doing this don’t have girls and/or are raising ‘mummy’s boys’’ that will just make their son’s lives harder when they reach adulthood. Just ignore them.

ClassicStripe · 05/12/2023 09:13

So gross. I have one of each. My boy is an actual slice of heaven. So loving and is besotted with his big sister. They adore each other.

AIstolemylunch · 05/12/2023 09:14

HelloOhHell · 05/12/2023 09:08

…These type of posts should be automatically deleted…

Edited

I agree, they're just unnecessarily upsetting for everyone, not least the pregnant and hormonal OP. My children (all boys) are in their teens now and the trauma of infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy, childbirth is long behind me but UndertheSea's post just bought a tear to me eye in Costa and I'm hard as nails these days.

AIstolemylunch · 05/12/2023 09:14

My eye

ChanelNo19EDT · 05/12/2023 09:17

I have a girl and a boy, I was v disappointed at scan. However my son was so gorgeous he won me over as a child. Heartbreakingly he rejects me now. It's like all my concerns (before he was born) were based on fears that have come to fruition. He is hf autistic and seems to have decided relationships are not for him. My daughter and I have a good relationship. She constantly surprises me, but shows me her emotions too because I don't panic. I feel like I put all that love in to my son and for him the mother son relationship was over as soon as he hit puberty. It's not like he died or anything, I'm glad he's safe. But geez he makes me feel like a surrogate hired to raise him .

AngelAurora · 05/12/2023 09:21

Be grateful for what you have

JacklynBlue · 05/12/2023 09:21

Time to get a grip OP. For all the reasons others have said. Nobody should be trying to coax you into loving this baby boy. Luckily Mother Nature will do that for you.

I have a boy and a girl, both grown up. I couldn't be prouder of them. They are best friends and just perfectly right as the others sibling. Im so grateful they have each other.

Your 2 will be fine, as long as you drop these ridiculous thoughts. Draw a line now, and stop this.

NotExactlySuits · 05/12/2023 09:28

These posts always fill me with disgust. I cannot understand them. It is always, always boys and they pop up with depressing regularity.

I was holding my newborn son when he was a few hours old, he was the product of 5 years of IVF and an emergency section, and was the most perfect creature I'd ever laid eyes on. My friend told me she was soooo glad she didn't have boys and if she'd had a boy she would have been 'gutted'. She'd had a girl a few weeks before. Although we're still close friends that comment has never left me.

theprincessthepea · 05/12/2023 09:30

I know how you feel however I think that it is an issue that it has lasted this long. You sound like you are really ruminating in this.

I know women that only want boys. I also know women that raise their boys and girls differently and that can be damaging. I think it is better that you are honest with yourself than suppress it as it could affect your parenting which is unfair on both children.

Now that you feel this way, get help. Speak to your midwife and get a perspective from someone who is reasonable. They are your children, you need to protect them and their gender does not matter.

I have a girl, having a boy but I felt that because I hadn’t spent a lot of my life around men I was petrified I was not experienced enough to raise a boy.

However I raised a great daughter (so far) and I see them both as people who need to learn the same life lessons and my parenting will differ based on their personalities, sensitivities, triggers and not based on gender.

I also know so many men that are super over protective over their mums in a way that girls are not - mine isn’t here yet but I’ve turned my fear into excitement and I hope you can do this too x

DZbornak · 05/12/2023 09:35

HelloOhHell · 05/12/2023 09:08

…These type of posts should be automatically deleted…

Edited

Or maybe, just maybe, people could just scroll on by if they feel they have nothing constrictive or decent to say?

Justfinking · 05/12/2023 09:36

NotExactlySuits · 05/12/2023 09:28

These posts always fill me with disgust. I cannot understand them. It is always, always boys and they pop up with depressing regularity.

I was holding my newborn son when he was a few hours old, he was the product of 5 years of IVF and an emergency section, and was the most perfect creature I'd ever laid eyes on. My friend told me she was soooo glad she didn't have boys and if she'd had a boy she would have been 'gutted'. She'd had a girl a few weeks before. Although we're still close friends that comment has never left me.

You're right it does always seem to be boys which is interesting in terms of what the psyche is of people who feel this strongly. It does make me wonder, do they just want a mini-me or a best friend?

elm26 · 05/12/2023 09:36

Honestly, after 13 miscarriages, we finally had a beautiful baby girl in May and I cannot imagine being disappointed with either sex. You're having a healthy baby boy, millions of women pray for the blessings that you have.

NotExactlySuits · 05/12/2023 09:40

You're right it does always seem to be boys which is interesting in terms of what the psyche is of people who feel this strongly. It does make me wonder, do they just want a mini-me or a best friend?

I think it's down to the strong gender stereotypes that still prevail in our society. Boys are tough, like fighting, football etc. Girls like princesses and drawing and makeup etc. We might not want to accept these still exist but they do, and they are strong.

I read about a study once, not sure I can find it again but it basically said that from the age of 0-18 females are valued more highly in Western society, for being 'easier' children, gentle, pretty, then attractive. At 18 the tables begin to turn so that by adulthood men are valued (and therefore paid) much more highly. It never evens out again.

Goatymum · 05/12/2023 09:40

I have one of each. I had my dd first and I did want a girl, but obviously their health was the main concern.
My DCs are young adults now and have a lovely sibling relationship and get on well. The issues they’ve had growing up were nothing to do with their sex, but actually I think being the opposite sex meant less competitiveness. Plus cos of close age they had similar interests at the same time.

ssd · 05/12/2023 09:46

NotExactlySuits · 05/12/2023 09:28

These posts always fill me with disgust. I cannot understand them. It is always, always boys and they pop up with depressing regularity.

I was holding my newborn son when he was a few hours old, he was the product of 5 years of IVF and an emergency section, and was the most perfect creature I'd ever laid eyes on. My friend told me she was soooo glad she didn't have boys and if she'd had a boy she would have been 'gutted'. She'd had a girl a few weeks before. Although we're still close friends that comment has never left me.

The thing is, you'd never say anything like that to her. Thats such a downright mean thing to say to anyone. Much less another woman who has struggled. I couldn't be close to someone like this, i feel her bias will always be there and one day your son might hear it.

excusesallthetime · 05/12/2023 09:46

DZbornak · 05/12/2023 09:35

Or maybe, just maybe, people could just scroll on by if they feel they have nothing constrictive or decent to say?

Show quote history

you're so right there @DZbornak

HelloOhHell · 05/12/2023 09:56

DZbornak · 05/12/2023 09:35

Or maybe, just maybe, people could just scroll on by if they feel they have nothing constrictive or decent to say?

Show quote history

exactly, like you could have done xx

GreatGateauxsby · 05/12/2023 09:59

I can relate to this.
i just “knew” my second would be a girl. It is very much a boy.

what REALLY helped me was I went through my DD baby things and got rid of ALL the outgrown stuff that was girls on vinted.

I then used that cash to buy some adorable boys stuff.

i am also using it as a way of avoid everything pink/ultra “girlie” which I actually think is fairly harmful for women. And try to buy things that are much more gender neutral so a bright aqua weather themed coloured snow/rain suit vs a blah flowery pink number.

also talking to mothers of boys I know they are SO effusive about how loving and delightful their sons are. I really focused on this and am now tentatively excited about the new baby…

Calliopespa · 05/12/2023 10:11

NotExactlySuits · 05/12/2023 09:28

These posts always fill me with disgust. I cannot understand them. It is always, always boys and they pop up with depressing regularity.

I was holding my newborn son when he was a few hours old, he was the product of 5 years of IVF and an emergency section, and was the most perfect creature I'd ever laid eyes on. My friend told me she was soooo glad she didn't have boys and if she'd had a boy she would have been 'gutted'. She'd had a girl a few weeks before. Although we're still close friends that comment has never left me.

Your friend sounds envious actually! I don’t think anyone could be that insensitive without something deeper at issue. Love mine immeasurably and equally: boy or girl, they are always a blessing. And I’m confident OP will realise that when she meets him. It can be hard to fathom how you will love the next one as much, but when they come, you do. Very occasionally, OP, that doesn’t happen. I think the honesty you have demonstrated in your post indicates you will seek counselling if you still feel the same a few weeks in.

seagull82 · 05/12/2023 10:38

I have a boy, adult now but cute as a button and a joy to bring up. As for the Elsa/Anya thing.. My son and his little best friend (a girl) would practice and play with each other for hours.. and every year they'd perform a pantomime they'd made up in his bedroom. Children don't care about gender and I'm sure your daughter will love and play with her brother.

GinBlossom94 · 05/12/2023 11:00

Me and my sister don't get on, my Brother is one of my best friends, stop watching Disney movies, life isn't like Frozen ffs

Camerasforinthehouse · 05/12/2023 11:01

Tacotortoise · 05/12/2023 08:01

@Camerasforinthehouse I guess some if us find it disturbing that a person would embark on a pregnancy knowing there was a 50% chance they won't want the result. You chose to get pregnant (I'm guessing by AI) thinking "men are bad". That's one fuck of a belief to lay on an innocent baby. And if you hadn't changed your mind, what then?

But it’s ok to have the thoughts. It’s very normal to have fantasies about how parenthood might be. I had all kinds. Then it’s a process of letting go of that as reality sets in. Here is a great space to share those thoughts that we wouldn’t share IRL and get support to challenge that. The OP has said she knows it’s unreasonable and wants to challenge herself. This is the great thing about a forum like this.

Human beings have all manner of horrific thoughts. We can’t help what our brain sends us. We can only choose what to do. The OP has noticed these thoughts and feelings and is trying to challenge herself which is brave and positive.

I think it’s really unhelpful to label it disturbing or any of the other judgemental words that PPs have used. It just shuts things down and then without airing these thoughts and feelings and processing them, there is more chance of them becoming unconscious and getting in the way of bonding.

The OP is doing a great job of examining her thoughts and feelings and challenging herself, IMO.

GinBlossom94 · 05/12/2023 11:03

tabbymctwat · 04/12/2023 19:41

Why do boys get such a raw deal on MN?! You never get people on here moaning about having a girl. I think some women have this romanticised image of going on girly shopping days and having their nails done together, but you’re having a child with their own wants and needs, not a doll!! As you can probably tell, I’m a mum to boys and they are wonderful - they might never want to go shopping with me (or maybe they will, who knows?) but they are amazing, funny, loving boys and I wouldn’t change them for the world. I bet I’d have been equally happy had I been a mum to girls though, as I’d have loved that too - it might have been very different but I’m sure it would be just as wonderful. It may not match the image in your head but please stop thinking of a boy as some sort of failure, my family is every bit as perfect as those with girls.

Totally agree with this! I have all boys, we all get along great. Also I'm avery close to my Dad but can go months without speaking to my Mum, we just aren't close at all

Tandora · 05/12/2023 11:07

Rockfordpeach · 04/12/2023 19:41

I felt the same way when pregnant with my DS (already had one DD) but couldn't love him more now he's here and would go as far as to say I would choose a boy over a girl if I ever had the choice

and would go as far as to say I would choose a boy over a girl if I ever had the choice

why??