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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with a boy and upset

524 replies

Globenew · 04/12/2023 19:25

I know IABU but I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way! I need some home truths and some advice if anyone else has felt this way.

I have a daughter already and have recently found out that pregnant with a baby boy. I feel awful about feeling this way but I am really upset. I have only ever wanted girls and so decided to stop at 1 when I got pregnant with a girl frost time.

This pregnancy caught us by surprise. I know that logically I am very lucky. But I don’t feel this way. My sister in law (we are married to brothers) has 2 daughters and we saw them at in laws on Saturday and it brought all the feelings back up again. (I have been trying to think positively and get over myself but now can’t stop thinking about it again)

I feel short changed. And like she has had it fall perfectly for her. My nieces were talking about how they’re Elsa and Anna and I felt so jealous for my DD. I also feel embarrassed because I made no secret of how happy I was to have a girl and that I didn’t want boys. So now I look a fool.

No one seems as excited about my pregnancy and I feel like if it was a girl they would be.

I am not sure if I’m making much sense but it has helped to write it out.

How can I stop feeling this way.

OP posts:
Ellamaelucyolivia · 04/12/2023 20:09

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, OP.

DoDoDoD · 04/12/2023 20:10

Goodornot · 04/12/2023 19:34

My sister and I hate each other if that helps. Childhood from hell with her constant bullying.

I'll have him if you don't want him. I can't have kids.

it must be tough to read these sorts of posts

MexicanDrinkingWorm · 04/12/2023 20:10

Firstly, allow yourself time to be disappointed, you had a preference but don’t let it become a bigger thing than it already is.
think of it as someone says they’re getting you a present, you’re hoping it’s a new necklace you’ve wanted for years, but turns out it’s earrings. The earrings are still lovely, and you’ll treasure them, but you’re allowed to be slightly disappointed they’re not what you’d hoped you were getting.

also, go “boy clothes” shopping. Get as many cute little outfits as you can afford/justify. allow yourself to get excited about it and imagine your little boy wearing them as he squeezes your fingers and looks into your eyes.

i have one of each, whilst I didn’t have a preference after my son I imagined myself having another boy Just as it was what I was used to, and I found it weird shifting that dynamic and assumed if I had another boy he would be exactly like my son (who I obviously adored). Now my daughter is here I am so glad fate gave me different to what I thought I’d have, the relationship they’ve got is amazing. (Side note, I’ve got multiple sisters and I only speak to one of them, we fought like mad growing up)

You’re probably dealing with all sorts of hormones, but you will definitely love your son so much when you meet him.

Minniliscious · 04/12/2023 20:11

I utterly adore my little boy, I’m dismayed at how dismissive you are of boys?

I couldn’t ever imagine being disappointed with a child’s sex? Bizarre.

olivialennox · 04/12/2023 20:11

i can tolerate most of the gender disappointment posts on here (even though I can’t relate) because they are usually a case of ‘I already have boys, I adore them but I’m sad that I won’t have a daughter as well’

OP already has a girl, her issue is that she just doesn’t want a boy at all

Doyouthinktheyknow · 04/12/2023 20:11

I think the op who said best not to know before birth is right! Once your baby is here, you will be overjoyed and hopefully worries about its sex will be long gone.

I’ve 2 boys, it’s been wonderful to watch them grow and I really have never had any sadness at not having a girl. I’ve had enough comments about it but having lost my fertility to cancer when ds2 had 15 months, I fed so lucky to have my 2 children, both young men now and no regrets.

I really hope you find peace once your baby boy is born. For most people, one of each is considered perfection🤷‍♀️ I don’t buy into that and have always just been happy and grateful to have 2 healthy children.

Peahen81 · 04/12/2023 20:11

I have photos of my son and daughter dressed up as ‘Elsa and Anna.’
Little boys are just as affectionate and lovely as little girls can be and just as hard work as little girls can be.
I could understand a brief disappointment that you’d have liked two girls but I think you will need to try and rationalise this- you will be a mum to two fabulous children, you know that if you get pregnant it’s a lottery. Baby might have been a surprise but equally if you’re in a relationship then a baby is a possibility!

Maireas · 04/12/2023 20:12

Another poster with the Elsa and Anna stuff - seriously? The Disney fantasy of parenting?.

aSpanielintheworks · 04/12/2023 20:12

Op, your feelings are valid and normal, and this should be a safe place to voice feelings that you perhaps wouldn't in real life.
I had DD first and really wanted a girl next as I didn't have a close relationship with my Mum at the time and I just wanted to do things differently and prove that history didn't have to repeat with my girls.
But DS arrived and now in his 20s is the apple of my eye - I adored the very bones of him from the second he was born.
I found it helped me accept things when I found I was having a boy at 20 weeks. By the time he was in my arms I was smitten.

EdgarsTale · 04/12/2023 20:12

You’re being so childish. Honestly, your poor baby boy.

Isthatarealname · 04/12/2023 20:12

If it helps noone cares about your second pregnancy, it's nothing to do with it being a boy or girl. And I have a girl then a boy, DD makes DS be Anna still, he just goes with whatever she says

Saggypants · 04/12/2023 20:14

theduchessofspork · 04/12/2023 20:08

Because nothing in her post indicates she isn’t containing the pregnancy, thus you are just being childish and bitchy, as you very well know. If this kind of thread bothers you, don’t read it.

Show quote history

Bitchy? Yes fair enough. But she deserves it. Go back and reread what she's writing about her own baby.

Childish? No. I'll tell you what's fucking childish - wanting Anna and Elsa babies.

hotpotlover · 04/12/2023 20:14

I have a 3 year old boy and a 21 month old girl.

I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd girl.

Honestly, it's so lovely having a boy. I bring him to bed every night, we do some painting, we read a book and listen to nursery rhymes.

He can be quite rough and boisterous, but he's very loving in his own way.

I wouldn't swop him for the world.

Snowonthebeachx · 04/12/2023 20:14

It's always boys isn't it!
It makes me so sad. I kind of maybe get it if you already have boys and want a girl because you have a idea of mother/daughter relationships. Not something I'm bothered about personally but I think a fleeting bit of disappointment can be understandable.

In OPs case I am struggling to feel any sympathy and just think they should grow up. To be charitable its probably hormones and they will look back in a few months and realise they were being very unreasonable.

Luxell934 · 04/12/2023 20:15

I can understand gender disappointment if you are only planning one baby or you already have one gender and find out your having the same again BUT you already have a daughter and now are blessed enough to have a son.

Ana & Elsa. WTF. Sorry but thats just so pathetic.

chesterlestreet · 04/12/2023 20:15

I was so worried when I found out that number 2 was a boy. Couldn't imagine loving a boy the way I loved my daughter. But I needn't have worried. He was a wonderful gift. Having one of each is the best. Both now 20+

Frazzledatfifty · 04/12/2023 20:15

Good to get that disappointment out of the way now. By the time your little chap arrives you will have sorted your feelings out and you’ll wonder why you were worried. Your daughter will undoubtedly adore her little brother. Having one of each is a joy, just you wait and see!

MammaTo · 04/12/2023 20:16

I fully get it.
I come from a family of girls and we spent my pregnancy saying things like “god imagine if I had a boy” “how would a boy fit it” - honestly it makes me cringeeeee internally.
But honestly them feelings will disappear as soon as the baby arrives, I’ve found on comparison my boy is so cuddly and loving compared to my friends little girls - it’ll all work itself out I promise.

Arosebyanyname · 04/12/2023 20:16

With my first I wanted a girl. I had a boy and he was the most fun, cuddliest, sweetest thing in the world. When I was pregnant with my second I thought it was a boy as the symptoms were the same and I was delighted. She was a girl, and that took a bit of getting used to. Now she is here she is absolutely fabulous! You will love them and enjoy them so much.

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 04/12/2023 20:17

tabbymctwat · 04/12/2023 19:41

Why do boys get such a raw deal on MN?! You never get people on here moaning about having a girl. I think some women have this romanticised image of going on girly shopping days and having their nails done together, but you’re having a child with their own wants and needs, not a doll!! As you can probably tell, I’m a mum to boys and they are wonderful - they might never want to go shopping with me (or maybe they will, who knows?) but they are amazing, funny, loving boys and I wouldn’t change them for the world. I bet I’d have been equally happy had I been a mum to girls though, as I’d have loved that too - it might have been very different but I’m sure it would be just as wonderful. It may not match the image in your head but please stop thinking of a boy as some sort of failure, my family is every bit as perfect as those with girls.

They really do get a raw deal in terms of gender disappointment on MN which is really odd bc irl all the boys and men I know are treated like little princes (think Gavin from G&S - his mum calling him ‘her little prince’ as an adult etc). One must assume that as soon as they are born they immediately become the no.1 fave child, and when they turn 30 no woman is ever good enough for them!

HowNice23 · 04/12/2023 20:17

I've two (now teenage) boys and they're lovely. I quite like the masculine energy. They look after me a bit these days, 2 6 foot tall lads, not that they have to look after anything, they have a certain resilience but still like their teddies, their hobbies, and our in jokes and we have fun together 😂 Children are just people in the making. It will be glorious don't worry x

kiwiaddict · 04/12/2023 20:17

tokesqueen · 04/12/2023 19:34

Statistically, men are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female.
Unpalatable but true.

Really? I'm not disputing it but could you put a couple of links of evidence?

Micsam89 · 04/12/2023 20:17

Your poor son will always know how much of a disappointment he is to you. You do realise it was a 50/50 chance right?! Maybe abort him or give him up for adoption if you're going to be so disappointed in him. Some people can't even have one baby, and you're blessed with one of each.

MayThe4th · 04/12/2023 20:17

Honestly all this “you’re so brave/your feelings are valid” crap is ridiculous.

If people want a certain sex and are going to be upset if they don’t get that sex then they shouldn’t be having babies at all.

Babies are humans. That’s all that matters. All this talk of Anna and Elsa - seriously <vom>.

FWIW someone who I know and who we all thought of as one of the most girly girls ever came out as trans three years ago. Nobody could believe it. We all wondered whether it was something they felt they had to go through. But he went through all the hormone treatments etc and has just had top surgery.

In this day and age of gender neutrality etc there are 0 guarantees any more. As unpalatable as some find that thought.

laclochette · 04/12/2023 20:17

Goodness, if you have a healthy baby you are already very lucky. It's sad that you can't see this. Perhaps you should seek counselling as I find this a very extreme state of mind.