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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with a boy and upset

524 replies

Globenew · 04/12/2023 19:25

I know IABU but I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way! I need some home truths and some advice if anyone else has felt this way.

I have a daughter already and have recently found out that pregnant with a baby boy. I feel awful about feeling this way but I am really upset. I have only ever wanted girls and so decided to stop at 1 when I got pregnant with a girl frost time.

This pregnancy caught us by surprise. I know that logically I am very lucky. But I don’t feel this way. My sister in law (we are married to brothers) has 2 daughters and we saw them at in laws on Saturday and it brought all the feelings back up again. (I have been trying to think positively and get over myself but now can’t stop thinking about it again)

I feel short changed. And like she has had it fall perfectly for her. My nieces were talking about how they’re Elsa and Anna and I felt so jealous for my DD. I also feel embarrassed because I made no secret of how happy I was to have a girl and that I didn’t want boys. So now I look a fool.

No one seems as excited about my pregnancy and I feel like if it was a girl they would be.

I am not sure if I’m making much sense but it has helped to write it out.

How can I stop feeling this way.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 05/12/2023 06:57

My DB is my best friend. Your Dd is very lucky she will have a brother. I wouldn't change mine for anything.

Keepinmovin · 05/12/2023 06:58

Bernardmanning · 04/12/2023 23:10

I've not read all the responses, but it's actually really common and it's perfectly alright to feel this way. This is nothing to do with being ungrateful or selfish (because some people can't have children etc etc). This is simply because you have had some sort of image/picture in your mind, usually formed immaturely, where you had a fixed view of your future. And that view is usually within your comfort range and formed by prior experiences.

I felt the same as grew up with my grandmother and sister. Boys were outside of my comfort zone. I was also petrified of getting post natal depression and worried that I wouldn't bond with him. It was stupid because deep down I knew that I already loved him, but I was anxious and I don't cope with uncertainty well. I confided in a friend who had two sons and she had felt the same, but was able to reassure me that I would feel a complete and total idiot for doubting myself the moment that he was born.

And of course she was right. He was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen and I loved and still love having a boy. I find that boys toys and games tend to be more interesting too. Sometimes accepting change, including preconceived ideals, can be hard. But honestly, you will absolutely completely and totally adore him and his sex will be entirely irrelevant.

Can I ask a favour of you OP please? When you do have your beautiful boy and have settled into a routine, can you perhaps come on Mumsnet and reassure the next worrier who raises the issue of gender disappointment that they have absolutely nothing to worry about!

I guarantee you that this is an absolute none issue. Just give yourself a few days to get used to the idea, then go shopping and chose him a few nice clothes or toys or start thinking about names. Just be kind to yourself and give yourself a bit of time to process it. And please ignore any unhelpful negative posts/responses. This is an anxiety/low mood issue at a time of vulnerability. Those who haven't suffered a similar experience won't understand. Incidentally I know many who have struggled to conceive, had multiple miscarriages and IVF who have felt this way too (often I think because of the increased anxiety that they have been under at the time.)

Edited

This is the post to read. We all have preconceptions, conscious or unconscious, often based on our own experiences as kids.
I was a bit nervous about having a boy as my DH had told me stories about the arguments he had with his brother growing up etc. And I had stupid gender things in my head like boys are not affectionate and are boisterous etc.
I was wrong, because these stereotypes are wrong and because each baby is a human and different.
My boys are so lovely and thoughtful and caring and also sporty and boisterous and messy and a whole host of different things.

You know your boy will surprise and delight you and bring you joy. It will be different joy than your DD because he will be a different person with a different personality but that's all it is. You'll be fine OP!

Maray1967 · 05/12/2023 07:03

tabbymctwat · 04/12/2023 19:41

Why do boys get such a raw deal on MN?! You never get people on here moaning about having a girl. I think some women have this romanticised image of going on girly shopping days and having their nails done together, but you’re having a child with their own wants and needs, not a doll!! As you can probably tell, I’m a mum to boys and they are wonderful - they might never want to go shopping with me (or maybe they will, who knows?) but they are amazing, funny, loving boys and I wouldn’t change them for the world. I bet I’d have been equally happy had I been a mum to girls though, as I’d have loved that too - it might have been very different but I’m sure it would be just as wonderful. It may not match the image in your head but please stop thinking of a boy as some sort of failure, my family is every bit as perfect as those with girls.

Same here. But I would put it more strongly after failed IVFs and three mcs. Get your head in order and be grateful.

Holly60 · 05/12/2023 07:06

Globenew · 04/12/2023 21:56

For people pulling me up on the Elsa and Anna thing.

It’s not that I believed the relationship between 2 girls would be like that. But that seeing my nieces talk about how they are Sisters like them etc made me feel even more upset. I already was upset about having a boy but now seem to notice people with only girls etc more and feel e jealous. I am envious of my SIL having 2 girls. They seem to enjoy spending time with my DD but it’s not the same. They naturally side with each other, want to sit next to each other etc. so I feel like my DD will be like the spare one and odd one out. They’re a gang and I wanted that.

@PerspiringElizabeth I thought this too. But when I mentioned it to MIL she just said “oh, they’re all just as special”. They all call my nieces “the girls”.

Look - I've got the exact same set up as your MIL, except that it's my DS who has two girls and my DD who has a boy and a girl.

My DD's children (B/G) are absolutely best of friends and are so close. They call each other 'my best brother' and 'my best sister'.

When all four are together (frequently 🤪) they all play together as a four, or break off into little groups- the groups change all the time and sometimes it's youngest (boy) with eldest (girl) or youngest with second niece etc. And sometimes it's DGD with my DS and the three girls together (my heart swells a bit when I see MY beautiful son with my DD's beautiful son but I don't tell anyone Grin).

I will say my DGS as the youngest has experienced a disproportionate amount of pampering and Beauty treatments - he often gets his nails and hair done by the girls and is given a tiara to wear with pride. They dote on him. They don't care he is boy he gets treated the same and spoilt as he is the youngest.

As the only boy he somehow becomes the centre of things quite a lot with the girls all vying for his attention.

Also my DD's girl is very much one of 'the girls' when they are all together so don't worry about that.

I know my DD is so happy to have one of each as I did and for her children to have an opposite sex sibling as she and my DS are very close. However she also encourages her girl's relationship with her nieces as she likes that she has female cousins as well as a little brother.

I can promise from experience too that one day your eldest niece will turn to the younger one and hiss at her with venom 'I am NOT Elsa' before flouncing off. So will start the teenage years and they will last for a while 😂😂😂.

Enjoy your gorgeous boy. He will fit in to the family and make it even better. My DGS is the apple of my eye.

clingon1012 · 05/12/2023 07:14

We had been TTC for a couple of years, so I'm sorry op, I simply cannot sympathise and feel like you're being slightly ridiculous. I never understood gender reveals where the parents are openly upset at the outcome. You're pregnant, its YOUR child, how can you be disappointed in the gender if you're lucky enough to be a mother to a (presumably) healthy child?!

I am finally a mother to a beautiful baby boy, and yes its tiring and hard work, as I expect all babies to be, but I wouldn't swap him for anything. I would have been equally happy if I had a little girl because nothing was more disappointing for me than when I kept getting negative pregnancy tests or the appearance of my period every month.

You are SO blessed and lucky, but I'm really sad for you and your little boy that you don't seem to know it.

LadyLeei · 05/12/2023 07:19

I see these types of post on MN weekly now. It’s really disturbing.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 05/12/2023 07:20

My brother is my best friend - had been for 50 years. I struggle to have a civil relationship with my sister. Have done for 50 years. Don't assume that same sex siblings are always the "best" combination. It's about personality rather than biological sex. I have a ds and a dd, both teens now. they do not conform to the sporty boys/Princess girls stereotype, but they are both wonderful people. DS is by far the more affectionate.

You have a healthy baby on the way. That is amazing! Don't reject him before he's born.

Camerasforinthehouse · 05/12/2023 07:29

LadyLeei · 05/12/2023 07:19

I see these types of post on MN weekly now. It’s really disturbing.

Why? Sorry. Not being rude. Genuinely why disturbing? I’m wondering if I am naively missing something.

I was really worried about having a boy. I am one of two girls and my sister had two girls so I wanted girls and was worried I couldn’t love a boy. My dad was sometimes physically abusive, an unpredictable alcoholic and disinterested in us and my mum divorced him and had her sisterhood around her. So my world view was that men are bad.

Id have never have said it out loud but might have asked for reassurance on a forum (it was a long time ago before I knew about mumsnet).

He came along and I fell in love immediately. I love the bones of him and now can’t imagine having a girl.

So to me, this is just normal doubts being shared on an anonymous forum because it’s not something you’d share in real life or if you do people generally just swat it away.

Am I missing something?

MojoJojo71 · 05/12/2023 07:32

You can’t help the way you feel but you can help the way you think and behave and in turn that will help your feelings change.

You are carrying a healthy baby, that’s a cause for celebration. All you know about him at this point is that he has male genitalia. No ultrasound scan or blood test can tell you about his personality. He could be boisterous and sporty, he could be gentle and caring, he could be sensitive and artistic or he could be all of these things and more. What he should never, ever be is a disappointment so you need to work on this before he arrives and see him for the blessing he is.

blackfluffycat · 05/12/2023 07:33

This is turned into a daughter bashing thread.

Camerasforinthehouse · 05/12/2023 07:42

Globenew · 04/12/2023 20:58

I am still here reading through the thread. Will reply to people once I’ve got to the end. Didn’t expect so many replies - thought maybe a couple of people might respond. I know I am awful for feeling this way. I am ashamed and that’s why I wanted to post to have support. I am sorry if it has upset people.

You are not awful for feeling this way. It’s normal to have all kinds of worries and doubts.

None of us can help how we feel and how we think. Thoughts and feelings come and go like the weather. We can’t control that weather and shouldn’t be judged for it.

We can control what we do. So I am assuming that you are having these thoughts and feelings, and you will process them. You will hear all the stories on here of other mums who felt the same but fell in love with their boy (like me) and all the stories of Close son/mum relationships and close sister/brother relationships and take comfort and challenge those thoughts that you are having.

Grieve and accept that the ideas and fantasies you have won’t be like that (it’s never wise for us to have fantasies about how our children will be). They will be themselves and our job is to nurture them to become the best version of themselves they can be. My friends daughter hates girly stuff and loves nothing more than getting covered in mud on a football field.

If you do find it difficult to bond, because you are clearly a fab mum already because you have noticed this feeling and you are challenging yourself, you will seek some counselling I am sure.

What you mustn't do is beat yourself up about normal doubts and feelings. Ignore the harsh judgements on here and listen to the reassurance. The most likely thing is you’ll fall in love with him.

Tacotortoise · 05/12/2023 07:43

In what way @blackfluffycat ?

Camerasforinthehouse · 05/12/2023 07:47

blackfluffycat · 05/12/2023 07:33

This is turned into a daughter bashing thread.

No it’s not. It’s just giving the OP some alternative perspectives of how it is to have a daughter as our fantasies about what it will be like to bring children into this world are not always how we imagine. If the OP was dreading having a girl it would be filled with examples of girks being wonderful and boys being more difficult I expect.

clingon1012 · 05/12/2023 07:53

@Camerasforinthehouse But posting for reassurance that it'll turn out okay is completely different to posting about your "disappointment" and how you feel "short changed and embarrassed" because you wanted a girl. I genuinely don't understand and makes me sad how expectant mothers who are blessed with a child can feel so upset about the gender (I mean, it can only be one or the other gender??!!! not like there are thousands of choices and your luck fell on the one you didn't want!) when there are so many ladies who cannot conceive would give anything to be in their place.

Tacotortoise · 05/12/2023 08:01

@Camerasforinthehouse I guess some if us find it disturbing that a person would embark on a pregnancy knowing there was a 50% chance they won't want the result. You chose to get pregnant (I'm guessing by AI) thinking "men are bad". That's one fuck of a belief to lay on an innocent baby. And if you hadn't changed your mind, what then?

Nannyfannybanny · 05/12/2023 08:09

Get your dictionary out,see the difference between sex and gender!!!

lemmein · 05/12/2023 08:09

I'm the only girl, with 4 brothers - I'm really close to them all. I went through a phase of wanting a sister when my mum was pregnant with my youngest brother, but it soon disappeared when he was born, I adored him (still do 30-odd years later!)

My best mate has a brother and a sister and is far closer to her brother, even though her sister is much closer in age.

It's about personalities, not sex - I'm sure your little girl (and you!) will be thrilled with her perfect little brother when he arrives.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 05/12/2023 08:11

Not another one of these "I don't like boy" threads.

Bernardmanning · 05/12/2023 08:19

@DC1888

You clearly have no experience of mental health issues, which this is, and no empathy whatsoever. What a thoroughly unpleasant and nasty comment. You do realise that there is a vulnerable pregnant lady on the other end of this thread?! Tbh, I would far rather have a parent like the OP who is just anxious and over thinking and worrying about whether she will bond with her baby (which is clearly already a sign that she loves him) than some nasty individual lacking in empathy.

Artichoke88 · 05/12/2023 08:53

I'd never realised how much male bashing goes on until I had my sons. It's not surprising that some women grow up with preconceived ideas of men. Even at school, girls often used to hit my little boys saying that "I can hit you but you can't hit me back!"
Little boys are fab (as are little girls) - just embrace the son that'll light up your life in a few months time.

sashh · 05/12/2023 08:55

OP

My parents had a boy and wanted a girl second. My Nana and Grandad had three boys so they were also excited to get a girl in the family.

I am not the girl any of them wanted. I'm not girly, I hate shopping, don't wear make up.

You are going to meet a wonderful baby that you will adore.

gamerchick · 05/12/2023 08:56

You'll probably find all those feelings go when he's here OP.

All of my kids have SEN. So just can't comprehend your boggle. Maybe thank yourself that this is all you have to focus on?

AIstolemylunch · 05/12/2023 09:05

Underthesea65 · 05/12/2023 04:11

Or for their son who died at birth to still be here

Show quote history

So, so sorry for your loss xx

CroccyWoccy · 05/12/2023 09:05

A thought experiment - make a list of all the qualities you would wish for in a child - whatever feels important to you. It might be kindness, intelligence, beauty, resilience, confidence, creativity, popularity, sportiness…

How many of those qualities are specific to one sex or the other. Probably none, right? And if you think they are, ask yourself again, are they really or are you stereotyping?

And, when it came down to it, how many of those qualities would you trade if you could guarantee your child was happy and healthy?

Naptrappedmummy · 05/12/2023 09:06

LadyLeei · 05/12/2023 07:19

I see these types of post on MN weekly now. It’s really disturbing.

Along with the ‘why are men so awful’ threads, I wonder if there is a connection…!

Swipe left for the next trending thread