Pregnant with a boy and upset

[Globenew]

I know IABU but I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way! I need some home truths and some advice if anyone else has felt this way.

I have a daughter already and have recently found out that pregnant with a baby boy. I feel awful about feeling this way but I am really upset. I have only ever wanted girls and so decided to stop at 1 when I got pregnant with a girl frost time.

This pregnancy caught us by surprise. I know that logically I am very lucky. But I don’t feel this way. My sister in law (we are married to brothers) has 2 daughters and we saw them at in laws on Saturday and it brought all the feelings back up again. (I have been trying to think positively and get over myself but now can’t stop thinking about it again)

I feel short changed. And like she has had it fall perfectly for her. My nieces were talking about how they’re Elsa and Anna and I felt so jealous for my DD. I also feel embarrassed because I made no secret of how happy I was to have a girl and that I didn’t want boys. So now I look a fool.

No one seems as excited about my pregnancy and I feel like if it was a girl they would be.

I am not sure if I’m making much sense but it has helped to write it out.

How can I stop feeling this way.

This has made me cry.
My friend growing up had a baby brother who died very young {days old} from a hole in his heart.
She often spoke of him.
So sorry for your loss, @TomatoSandwiches .

OP I have NC for this because I wanted to reply to you honestly. And I haven’t read the thread other than your posts.

I don’t really want to have girls, to the extent that it is putting me off having further children - hereditary gynae issues, enormous expense (make up, hair, nails, concerts, clothes, wedding etc etc), risk of pregnancy, higher risk of sexual assault and attack, and HUGE bucket loads of drama.

Now, I may be lucky and have a daughter who is none of the above/encounters no difficult circumstances, but out of all my family who’ve had girls the teenage - mid twenties period has been really tough. The boys, relatively chill, easy maintenance and comparatively less hassle.

Contrary to Elsa and Anna, my cousins and neices at times fought like cat and dog growing up… some don’t really have a relationship with their sisters in adulthood.

I have boys and they are fantastic, loving, exciting children. Yes there are the usual boy things like football class… but we enjoy music, theatre, coffee shops, shopping together… fair enough no face packs and manicures but I don’t feel any less bonded by the lack of stereotypically feminine experiences.

I guess the biggest piece of advice I can give to you, and myself, is to put preconceived notions about children of a certain sex out of your head. And don’t try and transplant scenarios between sisters in Disney films or real life into your ideas about potential offspring….. If you had two daughters they might be best friends, or they might hate each other, your second daughter may be a radical disappointment by comparison to her older sister or overshadow her to the extent that what you have with your current daughter is diminished from what it was…

You have no way of knowing. Female is not a guarantee of a delightful child, or that that child will conform to stereotypical expectations.

Your daughter, no doubt, will show you the way forward with affection for her brother.

The healthiest thing you can do is love your son and stop focusing on something that never even existed because you’re missing out on the wonderful son that does exist.

You’ve been super honest in your post on several fronts which suggests to me you will work through this really effectively as you are confronting the feelings. I think lots of pregnant women have a preference and that’s not too unusual so don’t beat yourself up. But almost everyone is besotted by the actual arrival. I think if there was a most common preference, it would be one of each and I so suspect the lack of excitement you detect is either projection of your own feelings or the fact that you have made it clear you preferred a girl so I guess it’s a bit awkward for them to respond now. I know after my first I believed them to be un-repeatedly perfect, so much so that I couldn’t imagine having a different gender and loving then just as much. But you will . And little boys can be completely delicious, promise!

I’ve got 2 grown up sons and they’re the absolute best. They’re completely different but are best friends and have never given us a minute’s trouble. We’re all very close and they treat me like the Queen. DS2, in particular, has been a mummy’s boy from the minute he was born. I honestly couldn’t imagine being disappointed in being the mum of my lovely boys.

I hate these threads, I have to admit. It’s always boys that people are disappointed about for some reason.

Don't be disappointed in him before he's even started his life OP. His sex is only one part of the person he will become, and there's unlimited potential there. That baby could turn out to be the joy of your life, his sisters best friend. He may have a character and personality that enriches your life so much you'll not be able to concieve of your world without him in it. Don't let some idealised notion of girlhood and sisterly bonding blind you to your good fortune and all you have to look forward to. You have a daughter and your bond with her, as your only daughter will be unique. Now you have the chance to have another unique bond with a son.

Surely he simply picked up on the fact that you're disappointed by his existence, and sensibly withdrew from you for the sake of his mental health? That seems far likelier than the supernatural explanation of you having a premonition!

I worried about having a daughter in case she liked pink and makeup and fashion and I couldn’t relate to those. Had 2 DSs, who liked different sports, different music, different books. They’re all their own people.

Maybe some things are best left in your head. For what it's worth I have a younger brother who is my favourite person in the world and never wanted a sister. Your attitude is pathetic quite frankly, like you want a pair of dollies to dress up, not actual human beings with their own personalities. I can only imagine how awful this is to read for women on here who would love to have a child.

They seem to enjoy spending time with my DD but it’s not the same. They naturally side with each other, want to sit next to each other etc. so I feel like my DD will be like the spare one and odd one out. They’re a gang and I wanted that.

But you're totally missing the point. Your DD is just as likely to be a "gang" with her brother as she is a sister. Why does the fact that she has a brother mean that she will be the spare one?

I have a 4 year old boy. He has friends who are boys and friends that are girls. My friends with boys and girls have kids that plauy together too. I don't understand why you think they won't play together.

Of course they call them "the girls". You will probably call yours "the kids" or something.

I was massively pissed off that my first child was a boy. My husbands 2 sons already lived with us and I really wanted a girl. The disappointment doesn't last beyond birth, you will adore him like I did my son (and adore my 3rs child, another son) my middle child is a girl and they are all wonderful

You're not a terrible person for being disappointed that your dream of a 'perfect' combination of children won't be realised, however irrational and ill-informed that ideal may be. We see good girls and naughty boys all the time in the media; is it any wonder we seem to favour girls in our society?

FWIW, I wanted another girl. I got a boy. He's 5 now, and absolutely perfect: my own disappointment has long been eclipsed by my love for my son.

My mum wanted a sister for me, to be close like her own sister was to her. A gang, the girls, etc. Anyway we can't stand each other. Didn't get on as kids, we don't speak or see each other at all outside of family events, and even then if she drinks too much she turns into a viscuous tirade against me. Our rift has in many ways ruined my experience of my adult relationship with my entire family.

I've not read all the responses, but it's actually really common and it's perfectly alright to feel this way. This is nothing to do with being ungrateful or selfish (because some people can't have children etc etc). This is simply because you have had some sort of image/picture in your mind, usually formed immaturely, where you had a fixed view of your future. And that view is usually within your comfort range and formed by prior experiences.

I felt the same as grew up with my grandmother and sister. Boys were outside of my comfort zone. I was also petrified of getting post natal depression and worried that I wouldn't bond with him. It was stupid because deep down I knew that I already loved him, but I was anxious and I don't cope with uncertainty well. I confided in a friend who had two sons and she had felt the same, but was able to reassure me that I would feel a complete and total idiot for doubting myself the moment that he was born.

And of course she was right. He was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen and I loved and still love having a boy. I find that boys toys and games tend to be more interesting too. Sometimes accepting change, including preconceived ideals, can be hard. But honestly, you will absolutely completely and totally adore him and his sex will be entirely irrelevant.

Can I ask a favour of you OP please? When you do have your beautiful boy and have settled into a routine, can you perhaps come on Mumsnet and reassure the next worrier who raises the issue of gender disappointment that they have absolutely nothing to worry about!

I guarantee you that this is an absolute none issue. Just give yourself a few days to get used to the idea, then go shopping and chose him a few nice clothes or toys or start thinking about names. Just be kind to yourself and give yourself a bit of time to process it. And please ignore any unhelpful negative posts/responses. This is an anxiety/low mood issue at a time of vulnerability. Those who haven't suffered a similar experience won't understand. Incidentally I know many who have struggled to conceive, had multiple miscarriages and IVF who have felt this way too (often I think because of the increased anxiety that they have been under at the time.)

I have a boy who is 8 and he is wonderful - funny, affectionate and just lovely! My heart swells for him.

Your boy will be equally as amazing

I lost our first daughter and so when I became pregnant again I was first of all secretly upset I was having a boy. Subconsciously I wanted to replace her and almost pretend it hadn’t happened. But he came along and we absolutely loved him. Then we had a daughter a few years later. We feel really lucky now to have one of each, we have the best of both worlds and now he’s a strapping teenager I never have to lug around a heavy sack of anything!

People will be envious you have one of each, it’s perfect really. And as my experience with our first demonstrates all that matters is that they are healthy.

My unexpected boy will be 35 tomorrow. He’s the love of my life. x

I had my 3 DC in the 1980s so didn’t know what I was having until they emerged and I honestly think that is better . I have 2DDs and 1DS and was thrilled with them all and was excited to meet them .
My DIL is expecting her first baby and is distraught that she is having a boy so having a miserable pregnancy.

There’s nothing magical about 2 girls. Anna and Elsa are a fairytale..

YABVU

I had a friend who cried for days when she found out she was pregnant with a boy. Turns out to be the best outcome in the world. He is the definition of a mummy’s boy and she’s never looked back.

Boys are fun, energetic, bold, loving. I have two and would love more of them - the more the merrier.

Also boys can be more full on in the early years but I’d much rather that than the shitshow that girls go through at puberty

My “explanation for this” as you put it, is my lived experience. I have two boys, now 22 and 19. Little boys absolutely adore their mothers and it is amazing to be on the receiving end of that love. It’s like being put on a pedestal. We have always had a wonderful relationship, they continue to be loving and caring and so funny. No mood swings or friend drama either. We’ve never had so much as a slammed door in our house.

So, no explanation for the reason that boys love their mums in a way that girls don't. As expected.

It's true one rarely sees posts about how cuddly and loving girls are.

Perhaps that's because there are no ' I'm so upset it's a girl ' threads to provoke such a response,

Do you have any daughters?

I always thought I wanted to have two girls. I have a sister myself and I had no experience of little boys growing up. I had this notion of them charging around roaring and hitting things with sticks. When I found out I was pregnant with a boy, I was initially pleased because I'd guessed the sex correctly from the 13 week scan. Then after the smugness of being right about the sex wore off, I had a phase of being plagued by doubt and disappointment. I don't know what made that go away, but I think that deciding on his name helped me to start thinking of him as a real person rather than this bizarre caricature I'd imagined. He's nearly 5 now and the most fascinating, loving and thoughtful person I've ever known. I also have an 18 month old daughter and I feel very lucky having one of each. I think if I'd had two boys or two girls I'd always have wondered what it would be like to have one of the other sex (although having a third child would not have been practical for us). Also, it might be nothing to do with their sex, but my two get on way better than my sister and I used to when we were little. We used to fight an awful lot - it definitely wasn't a Bluey and Bingo type relationship!

You're not in the wrong for feeling the way you do at the moment. You just need time to let go of your vision of how your family would be. As well as thinking of names, buying some new clothes that are specifically for a baby boy, like some cute dungarees, might help you get excited too. (That said, I was in floods of angry tears in Primark over the superhero and football themed clothes on offer for little boys. That only added more fuel to my fire! However, M&S delivered the classic cuteness I was yearning for.)

Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy xx

Your first mistake was thinking a baby boy wouldn’t be on the cards for you…you can’t really choose the gender from natural conception. Maybe IVF?

Your next mistake is assuming your son will be a stereotypically macho lad. Your son might like Disney. Your son might be your future best friend. Don’t assume he won’t share the same interests as your daughter

OP.

from the other perspective. I have 3 girls. With my 3rd, I desperately wanted a boy. I genuinely sat and cried when I found out I was having a 3rd girl...

My youngest girl has autism... but she's perfect to me. She's funny, loving and brings joy to every day. Its stressful sometimes but I'm so thankful for her, she was what I needed... not necessarily what I wanted, but no way would I ever be without her.

...Just as your boy will be to you when he's born. When he's here, you'll wonder how you ever could've thought that way.