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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with a boy and upset

524 replies

Globenew · 04/12/2023 19:25

I know IABU but I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way! I need some home truths and some advice if anyone else has felt this way.

I have a daughter already and have recently found out that pregnant with a baby boy. I feel awful about feeling this way but I am really upset. I have only ever wanted girls and so decided to stop at 1 when I got pregnant with a girl frost time.

This pregnancy caught us by surprise. I know that logically I am very lucky. But I don’t feel this way. My sister in law (we are married to brothers) has 2 daughters and we saw them at in laws on Saturday and it brought all the feelings back up again. (I have been trying to think positively and get over myself but now can’t stop thinking about it again)

I feel short changed. And like she has had it fall perfectly for her. My nieces were talking about how they’re Elsa and Anna and I felt so jealous for my DD. I also feel embarrassed because I made no secret of how happy I was to have a girl and that I didn’t want boys. So now I look a fool.

No one seems as excited about my pregnancy and I feel like if it was a girl they would be.

I am not sure if I’m making much sense but it has helped to write it out.

How can I stop feeling this way.

OP posts:
Everydayimhuffling · 04/12/2023 19:30

You know it's a boy, so presumably you have had the anomaly scan and know that the baby is healthy. You remind yourself of that. You imagine all the fun lovely things you will do with your boy. You can think about how much your daughter will love her little brother.

You acknowledge the feelings but don't indulge them. You remind yourself to be grateful and practise gratitude. You don't share your hurtful attitude or allow it to colour your son's life.

LadyChilli · 04/12/2023 19:31

You're pregnant with a human! I felt like you for a while and honestly I'm glad I did because it meant so many things caught me by delightful surprise. Parenting a boy is wonderful in as many ways as parenting a girl must be, it was just that I hadn't imagined them in advance. It's true that some people seem to think a boy is some kind of booby prize but from the moment I laid eyes on mine I wouldn't swap him for a million girls.

Janedoe82 · 04/12/2023 19:32

You need to just basically wise up. You have a girl. Now you will have one of each. Hopefully he will bond well with your husband and maybe he sporty and you will have loads of fun going to watch him play sports! Just a different kind of experience but still a good one!

bakewellbride · 04/12/2023 19:32

One of each is the best.

honeyandfizz · 04/12/2023 19:33

Wow.

Goodornot · 04/12/2023 19:34

My sister and I hate each other if that helps. Childhood from hell with her constant bullying.

I'll have him if you don't want him. I can't have kids.

tokesqueen · 04/12/2023 19:34

Statistically, men are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female.
Unpalatable but true.

aliceinanwonderland · 04/12/2023 19:34

Boys are wonderful ! Really affectionate as babies/toddlers/small children, stay sweet until the age of about 14 and then can be very close to their Mums in late teenage years. Please don’t be sad. You’ll be so pleasantly surprised

AngeloMysterioso · 04/12/2023 19:35

Some people would love to have a daughter and get only boys. You wanted a daughter and got what you wanted the very first time and you’re still moaning?!

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/12/2023 19:35

I honestly think that not knowing is the best way forward, you get what you're given and you are very grateful.

CaineRaine · 04/12/2023 19:35

I am certain that if you read back this post when your son is here, you will be mortified and unable to imagine what you were worried about.

LindorDoubleChoc · 04/12/2023 19:36

Yabu. Really very bu indeed.

I had a girl then boy. What are you so afraid of? It's ridiculous to indulge yourself in these negative thoughts. Presumably you know men that you like and get on with?

RunningFromInsanity · 04/12/2023 19:36

My best friend and her brother are absolutely solid, best friends.
My other friend and her sister don’t talk. Actually makes life quite awkward for their mum and dad.

Sex is no guarantee of closeness.

EvilElsa · 04/12/2023 19:37

My DD (18) and DS (16) are the best of friends. They've argued once that I can recall and that was when they were primary school age.
I found DS the more affectionate and easy by far (although both are very easy going really).

Torganer · 04/12/2023 19:37

People aren’t as bothered about second pregnancies regardless of sex. Don’t let your gender ideals affect your children, let them just be children. My brother and I get on brilliantly, he’s one of my best friends.

For what it’s worth, my brother loved dress up, dolls, drama and going for afternoon tea with my mum. I liked sport, construction toys and playing cricket with my dad.

Radiatorvalves · 04/12/2023 19:38

I’ve got 2 boys and they are wonderful. Late teenage now and in my experience a bit less tricky than teenage girls. Wouldn’t change them. The only downside is that sport does dominate in the house… and I am not into football. With one of each you’ll have potentially a good balance.

Hardbackwriter · 04/12/2023 19:38

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Mcemmabell · 04/12/2023 19:38

I could have been like you. I only ever wanted a girl. But my first was actually a boy. Then I had another boy. I don't think we'll have any more, so I'm never going to have a girl now. Not ever.

It's okay to feel disappointed that things aren't the way you wanted. But it sounds like you feel quite down in general. Could it be prenatal depression? Talk to your midwife because there are things that can help. Prenatal mental health is super important for you and baby.

I love having my two little boys even though they fight like cats and dogs and only ever want to play Superheroes or do wrestling. Don't forgot that the little boy you're carrying isn't just any boy, he's your baby boy. And to him you'll be everything. Hope things get better soon.

Moomoo75 · 04/12/2023 19:39

Believe me . Little boys love their mums in a way that little girls Don't. It will catch you by surprise and fill you with warmth. Girls are fabulous too but there is something special about boys. You have it all to look forward to.

Fiftyvines · 04/12/2023 19:39

Wow! Some people can't even have one and you're complaining about having a boy. Be grateful and thankful for what you have.
If it makes any difference my sister and I don't get along, never did growing up.

Mumoftwo2022 · 04/12/2023 19:40

I always pictured 2 girls when I found out it was a boy I was like ahh ok life is gonna be different to what I pictured I wouldn’t say I was disappointed as healthy baby is most important but I did see 2 girls in my life. However my little boy is 1 now and an absolute joy I cannot imagine life without him and you will feel the same. He’s amazing and so loving. X

tabbymctwat · 04/12/2023 19:41

Why do boys get such a raw deal on MN?! You never get people on here moaning about having a girl. I think some women have this romanticised image of going on girly shopping days and having their nails done together, but you’re having a child with their own wants and needs, not a doll!! As you can probably tell, I’m a mum to boys and they are wonderful - they might never want to go shopping with me (or maybe they will, who knows?) but they are amazing, funny, loving boys and I wouldn’t change them for the world. I bet I’d have been equally happy had I been a mum to girls though, as I’d have loved that too - it might have been very different but I’m sure it would be just as wonderful. It may not match the image in your head but please stop thinking of a boy as some sort of failure, my family is every bit as perfect as those with girls.

Rockfordpeach · 04/12/2023 19:41

I felt the same way when pregnant with my DS (already had one DD) but couldn't love him more now he's here and would go as far as to say I would choose a boy over a girl if I ever had the choice

Horriblewoman · 04/12/2023 19:43

Some of us would just like to have a child….

Katela18 · 04/12/2023 19:44

Tbh you need to sort yourself out. And especially don't let others know you feel this way, especially your daughter. They are humans regardless of their sex. You're saying others don't seem excited but you aren't either?

I have a girl then boy. I love them both equally but they are totally different and I get different qualities, features, emotions, interests through each of them. My girl is strong willed, independent, outgoing but so thoughtful. My boy is loving, cuddly, playful and so empathic.

Stop focusing on his sex, focus on the fact you're having a human child who will grow into his own person.

Also fussing over your nieces being "Anna and Elsa" is a bit childish, you have no guarantee they'd even be interested in this stuff, or each other! My two both love playing all sorts together, mums and dads, schools, Toy Story, trucks and cars.

Added to this, I have 3 brothers and we are all super close. I have two sets of cousins both all girls and both sets don't get on!

Sorry to be harsh but you need to sort this out way before baby arrives, you can't have your daughter being aware you were happier about her arrival than her brothers or she's more important than him.