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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stop friends turning up yo a party they aren't invited to?

397 replies

Yomuma · 07/11/2023 07:38

DH and I have a bunch of mutual friends, including a lovely chap (let's call him "Phil")

Phil's girlfriend (who we don't know well) is organising him a birthday party. It isn't a surprise party, as Phil has apparently given her the names and numbers of those he wants there.
It sounds like a posh event, we've been asked to make food choices from a fancy menu etc. It is my DH on the chat with the invite on, but she apparently said to invite partners (so I am confident I am invited too).

The problem is, another mutual friend ("Sophie") as started up a seperate chat which includes not only some of those that are invited, but 5 poeple who are not. In fact, I'm sure Phil barely knows these 5 people at all and hasn't seen them in maybe 15 years. On this chat, Sophie has given out the details of the party, and suggested we all get an air BnB and go together. Replies have been along the lines of "thanks for the invite!" and "sounds great".

I feel like I am watching a slow motion car crash. DH says not to get involved, (I suggested he check with Phil's girlfriend / give her a heads up but he refused). I can't cope with the thought of 5 people turning up to (and paying accommodation for / travelling quite a distance to) a party they aren't invited to. The awkwardness when there is no food for them! The awkwardness when Phil is confused as to why they are there!

I have contacted 2 other invitees about this who are on Sophie's chat and they agree it is really awkward and cringe but don't want to get involved either.

AIBU to want to stop this carnage?

And how could I do it anyway without it being reaaaaallllly awkward?

OP posts:
OhwhyOY · 07/11/2023 10:38

Message Sophie and just say you don't want to interfere but you're worried these people won't have food if their meals haven't been prearranged as they aren't invited. And ask if she's told Phil/his wife they're coming.

pontipinemum · 07/11/2023 10:42

So so awkward but you can't let this people arrive it's so unfair.

Get Phils girlfriends number and call her and tell her what Sophie has done then let them sort it out. Sophie may have made a mistake, or it may be that she felt these people should have been invited. Phils GF might just invite them now and never let them know they weren't not invited to begin with

Thegoodbadandugly · 07/11/2023 10:44

For those saying for op to not get involved if she doesn't say something it will come out in the wash that op was part of the chat group and she will get blamed even though she's innocent thinking about that op your probably best leaving that group chat because if they all do turn up then you will be asked why you didn't say anything.

Dogdaywoes · 07/11/2023 10:46

I'd message Sophie and say "are you sure X,y &z are invited for Phil's birthday?".

Then see what she says.

Whatdidtheromanseverdoforus · 07/11/2023 10:49

I hope this is a misunderstanding and there is prior agreement. There will be a lot of embarrassed people otherwise. My brother did this intentionally to me, he’s always tried to ruin everything for me, very jealous. I saved up a small fortune for a party, fancy outfit , hair , massive bar budget for my 18th birthday and we were headed to a local pub (about 12 of us) brother was invited as my mother insisted. Then I got wind of my brother inviting loads of his Dickhead friends including two girls which routinely bullied me at school. With just an hour to spare I phoned all of my friends and moved the venue to a pub the other side of town without telling my brother 🤣 so he turned up to the first pub with no sign of me or any money for booze.

Tiepolo · 07/11/2023 10:52

DNLove · 07/11/2023 10:22

Text Phils girlfriend "hi Mary, it's DH's wife here. Just wanted to double check he's gotten the details correct (men huh). Date is x and we've to be there for Y time. Is there a dress code? Saw Sophie extending invite to ABCDE, Phil will be so surprised to see those blasts from the past! Really looking forward to seeing you all!

This is deeply silly. Why on earth would you invent a completely imaginary scenario (that appears to be based on some notion you believe to be widespread that men are incapable of understanding and communicating the date and time of an event?) in order to slip in a faux-airy reference to people you want to flag up to the organiser as possibly uninvited, but whom you’re implying Phil will b delighted to see and in fact wants to be invited?

PepeLePugh · 07/11/2023 10:57

Contact the girlfriend and let her deal with it. For all you know, she is aware that the additional people are coming and they were invited all along. Cryptic messages on WhatsApp will make you look like a nutter.

10HailMarys · 07/11/2023 10:58

Tell Phil’s girlfriend privately what’s going on, and leave her and Sophie to sort it out between them. You don’t have to ‘get involved’ any more than that. You don’t have to have any awkward conversations with Sophie, or with the people she has randomly invited, or do anything at all other than let Phil’s girlfriend know what’s happened.

XiCi · 07/11/2023 11:02

Don't get involved with any stupid games like posting menu choices. Just message Sophie privately. Can't understand why you haven't done this already

Blanketpolicy · 07/11/2023 11:09

Why can't you just ask/message Sophie privately and ask if she has checked with Phil or his gf if she can invite extra people because as far as you knew it was people invited by them only?

Not sure why you are making this into such a big deal, it is just a question/giving Sophie the heads up she might has misunderstood something, perhaps she has checked. It really is no big deal to ask.

AtomicPumpkin · 07/11/2023 11:10

It's not your problem, but if you think it is, pick up the phone and speak to Sophie.

Whatdidtheromanseverdoforus · 07/11/2023 11:10

Why can’t you just message Sophie and ask innocently ‘how come there’s a second WhatsApp? Why aren’t Colin and Steve etc in the original Claire started?
then if she says she took the initiative to invite them you can say ‘ that’s sweet of you but might it cause a problem because the restaurant numbers?….
no games, no underhanded stuff just direct but non confrontational.

Ellie1015 · 07/11/2023 11:11

Unless Sophie is known to overstep i would assume GF knows what Sophie is doing and stay out of it as dh wants me to. (If my own friends i would confirm but we are very close)

Eskimal · 07/11/2023 11:13

This is a no-brainier. You pick up the phone to Sophie immediately and politely check if she’s got the wrong end of the stick. I can’t believe you’re even asking this.
please let us know the update.

ThinWomansBrain · 07/11/2023 11:14

I'd call the GF - why do you need your partners permission to do that?

Daphnis156 · 07/11/2023 11:18

It's natural to be concerned, but you may not know all the facts, and interfering is going to rebound on you, it's certain!

mezlou84 · 07/11/2023 11:19

You need to speak to 'sophie' who started the chat. She may have already spoken to 'phils' gf and she has ok'd it. If not she can at least undo the mess she's made and at least ask if there's room for them as she made a mistake thinking they'd been invited.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 07/11/2023 11:23

message Sophie's group with .....

.......oh are there 2 parties? We're going to the one on (date). Where and when is the 2nd party?

hotcandle · 07/11/2023 11:27

BalletBob · 07/11/2023 09:20

I think given that you haven't actually had an invitation directly and haven't seen any evidence that you are invited (only that "apparently" the girlfriend told the actual invitees via Whatsapp to feel free to bring partners), you probably aren't privy to enough details to be wading in. You don't know for sure whether Sophie was asked by the girlfriend to start this extra WhatsApp and invite the extra 5. It also doesn't sound like these are your friends, more your DH's group. So without close friendships or the full facts, it's really not something you need to involve yourself in.

I agree with this. You're essentially an add on guest yourself. Don't get involved.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/11/2023 11:27

If I were you, @Yomuma, I'd message Sophie to tell her that these people are not invited to the party, and it's not a 'Come one, come all' party, and she needs to sort this mess out pronto. I'd say that, if she doesn't sort this out pronto - within a day, say - that you will contact the woman who is organising the party to tell her what Sophie has done.

If no-one says anything, these people will end up turning up at a posh party they aren't invited to, and it will cause a lot of upset and embarrassment. It needs to be sorted out ahead of time, so your dh is absolutely wrong to tell you to do nothing.

MrsHarrisAParis · 07/11/2023 11:34

It's odd that you'd assume you know the details of everyone who is invited considering you are your DH's plus one and you're not on the original chat. If it bothers you, leave the group.
But starting threads, messaging other people to bitch about Sophie behind her back - none of that reflects well on you. It makes you seem like a drama queen rather than an adult who is genuinely concerned.

MojoDaysxx · 07/11/2023 11:40

Just cancel and then discreatly invite only the people you want to come.

reclaimmyboobs · 07/11/2023 11:41

MojoDaysxx · 07/11/2023 11:40

Just cancel and then discreatly invite only the people you want to come.

Perhaps read the OP then try again.

northernbeee · 07/11/2023 11:42

I'd just tell the GF that there's another chat going on with 5 people that you aren't sure if are invited - and leave it at that.

Original poster
Yomuma · 07/11/2023 11:43

Thank you everyone for your advice!! This morning, one of the "extra invitees" living abroad said they were booking flights and hotel (!) So I contacted Sophie to ask if there were "crossed wires" over who was invited. She said those people haven't actually been formally invited and she hoped she hadn't "overstepped the mark" but she thought they would like to come (?!) I have said she really needs to check with the organisers first. I hope crisis averted!!

OP posts: